The D Word...
So many times during our orientation and I would even say throughout this year, we were warned about taking care of our selves so that we do not fall into depression because a huge majority of medical students are depressed. Now I knew when we started this journey that it would be tough, and I would be lying if I said that there weren’t days where I felt lonely, unintelligent, incapable, weak, disillusioned, sad, frustrated or just plain unmotivated. This roller coaster I thought would be one of information, but I did not think it would be this emotional. The school work itself is a challenge, but what tends to be more of a challenge for me is balancing that school work with normal human issues. Family problems come up... elections happen... life happens. This school life balance is difficult but it is achievable. But for me, it seems as though whenever I am the cusp of balance, a curve ball is thrown at me.
This week (mind you it’s only Tuesday-well the wee hours of Wednesday morning) I have already had family drama that has spilled into my school life, social issues as I struggled with being left out of class get togethers, continue to go through other dilemmas with some of my best friends, and to put the cream cheese frosting on my reed velvet, I had academic issues because I failed a class (yes that does happen in medical school- no it’s not because I’m stupid, although that was definitely a thought that had crossed my mind multiple times as I struggled with pulmonary physiology and yes I am still going to be an awesome doctor because no one can truly know success without tasting the bitter flavor of failure). So my little imaginary box that I usually stick all my problems into to deal with later has literally overflown. So now I have to start dealing with these issues while still having crazy amounts of lectures and human issues like the dwindling supply of food in my refrigerator due to my lack of impetus to go to the grocery store, while still dealing with the biggest problem of them all- my family.
I am a private person, and as I mentioned before, my private family life is spilling into school- actually to be more accurate, the majority is going to spill tomorrow. I am a private person. I do not tell people my business, sorta. I say sorta because although I am private, I am also pretty open, which are contradictory statements but they make sense. I am open with things that I feel will not hurt me, or come back to haunt me, but I keep my intimate details on lock down. My relationship with my BF-perfect example. No one needs to know the details of our relationship and I don’t feel the need to post every moment we share together. So there are a few things in my life that I like to keep to myself. Well with regard to the one that is spilling tomorrow...My whole class including some administration and faculty are about to be invited to see a private portion of my life and although I hate it, I know it is for the best for my sanity, and quite frankly for my safety.
This problem is and has been an ongoing problem for over a decade now and I do not see it subsiding anytime soon. When I was younger it sent me into a therapist chair because I was depressed, having emotional breakdowns, lashing out, and I wasn’t sleeping. I battled the emotional issues and the depression consistently for years. I know what my signs are for when I may be falling into a depression which is why I am always looking out for them; I will stay in denial that I am handling everything when I’m not so those signs save me every time. Today was the first time in a long time that I caught at least 2 signs. And it scares the shit out of me.
I can’t afford to go into the big D... I can barely afford to fight it. I feel like I can’t even talk about it. I don’t want to scare anyone more than I probably already will be scaring them tomorrow. How do I deal with life and medicine? I’m beginning to realize that this balance isn’t just school- this is what life is like for Doctors. Your mother could have just lost her life but you have to go save someone else’s. You just had a miscarriage, but you have to deliver a baby.
I know what I need, but I don’t have the time for what I need while in school. How do I reconcile what I need for my mental health and what I need for my academic success... Can one take a hit and just wait until Spring Break where I can recoup? Do I deal with the Big D or do I go catch up on lectures... What do I even do for the Big D this time?
I have to continue to tell myself to just Keep Swimming...
