𝙁𝙄𝙍𝙎𝙏-𝙏𝙄𝙈𝙀 𝙋𝘼𝙍𝙀𝙉𝙏𝙎 𝙋𝙍𝙊𝙈𝙋𝙏𝙎 (𝙋𝙏. 1)
as requested by a powerfully patient and endlessly lovely nonnie!! there will be more lists like this, because frankly, parenthood is a whole theme park of roller coasters with unique challenges and milestones in each of them! but these are for parents who have recently become parents to a newborn! i also have requests for prompts based on foster families and adopted children, but i'd like to do my own research before i dive too deeply into those, because obviously the rules vary from country to country, but i digress! i sincerely hope you all enjoy these! unclench your jaw, drink some water, roll back your shoulders! DO NOT ADD TO THIS LIST PLEASE!!
" if you waken that baby, so help me god, there won't be a corner of the universe that will protect you from my wrath. "
" do you wanna hold him/her/them? here, it's okay! just support the neck like... yeah, there you go! you got it! "
" no, no, it's okay, i'm not going anywhere. the baby spit up on everything i own except this sparkly little number, so i'm waiting for the washing cycle to end until i can change out of this! come on in. "
" i don't think i've had a full night's sleep since the baby came along. "
" i'm gonna train this kid, night and day, until they say my name before yours. that's my goal. my name is gonna be their first word. "
" i love my baby. more than i ever dreamed possible! but they've kept me awake since the second they were born! i seriously need a nap... could you keep an eye on them until i wake up? just twenty minutes, i promise you! "
" it kinda feels like every single person in the world suddenly has a PhD in parenting to make me feel incompetent with. "
" i think our sweet angel's gonna be a rock star with that set of lungs! "
" we need a new babysitter. preferably one who won't read rosemary's baby to our newborn. "
" god, they're so precious when they're asleep... can you believe we're that kid's parents?! "
" how can something so tiny go through a billion diapers every single day?! "
" they smiled at me today! actually smiled, i swear! that baby is a genius! and no, it wasn't trapped gas, before you say it. "
" that darling child ripped a fistful of my hair out today, so if you see a bald spot, now you know why it's there. "
" shh... shh, honey, it's okay. the baby woke up, but i'm handling it. you just go back to sleep now, okay? "
" i was thinking... if, for whatever reason, i'm not able to take care of the baby, i was wondering if you might be okay with being their legal guardian? "
" so pre-schools aren't only super competitive, they've also got some insanely high standards now, too! one of them won't even let me bring my car in unless it's completely emission-free! "
" the baby has a remarkably dark sense of humour. they only seem to laugh when i stub my damn toe on the crib at 4 in the morning. "
" we had a somewhat violent reaction at the diaper station this morning. so that meant i had to bathe and change the little cherub twice in ten minutes, and then go take another shower and find new clothes unscathed by infant vandals again. "
" he/she/they have your eyes. and your batshit insane sleep schedule. "
" you know what really pisses me off? when people act as though new parents have it easy. like a newborn is the easiest thing in the world to handle. i'd like to see them make coffee, change a diaper and fold a onesie one-handed! "
" isn't it so crazy that this tiny little human, who can't even hold their own head up yet, might be like, a president or something one day? "
" i'm really sorry, i know we had plans tonight, but i literally just got the baby to sleep and all i wanna do is lie down and eat the leftovers of a bag of potato chips until i fall asleep. i haven't showered all week, i can't remember the last time i wore clean clothes, and... it's just not gonna work out tonight. "
" i figured you wouldn't have much time to cook, what with the baby and all. so i decided i'd bring a lasagna and some groceries over to you, and i can keep an eye on the little one while you take a nice hot shower and eat your dinner in peace! "
" hey... relax. i promise you, the babysitter can handle it for a few hours! and if they need you, they've got your phone number, right? so just... take a night off. sit back. enjoy yourself. the baby is fine, i promise you! "
" you know, if you guys wanted a date night, i could mind the baby for you? "
" i swear, this baby is the freaking jackpot of excuses to not attend all those events! all the times i wanted to throw sharon's awful hummus at her face during those dinner parties, and now i don't even have to go anymore, all because of this beautiful, wonderful little baby! "
" i mean, sure, sometimes i'm crying 24/7 and i don't know what the hell i'm doing! but then i'll tickle the baby's little foot and they'll laugh for thirty minutes, and it just makes me so insanely, immeasurably happy! "
" what do you think? will we try for baby number two? make this little angel a big brother/sister/sibling? "
" i need a night out. please. i'm begging you. i cannot sing another single note of baby shark! please, even a trip to the grocery store would do! "
" god, couldn't you just sit and watch them sleep forever? "
" oh god, he/she/they're crying! the baby's crying! oh man, is that a hungry cry or a diaper cry?! talk to me, little baby! "
" i cannot believe we just paid four figures for a cradle when the baby won't even sleep unless they're in our arms... "
" you know, that little baby is so freaking lucky to have you as their mom/dad/parent. "
" a-actually, maybe you better keep holding them. i mean, what if i hurt them by accident? or what if i scare them? babies don't like me, they never have! "
" you know, i always thought newborn babies looked like potatoes. but this kid is pretty darn cute! "
" i believe congratulations are in order. where's the new addition? "
" i never realized how expensive diapers were until now... "
" mm... honey, the baby... the baby's crying. wake up, baby, go help the baby... "
" nice try, but i got the baby the last time. it's your turn now. probably a diaper change, too, by the sound of it. "
" how can someone so tiny drink so much freaking milk?! "
" i wish people would quit acting like parenting experts every single time they see me. believe it or not, i do know what i'm doing! "
" some stranger on the bus decided to let me know i was a terrible mother/father/parent for not choosing to raise the baby on a vegan diet. "
" did you think of any baby names yet? or is this sweet little angel still anonymous? "
" i'm thinking we should decorate the nursery while the baby's still napping. i got the paint in my car; what do you think? "
" this baby is officially more extroverted than me! every single person we met in the park, this socializing star was waving and smiling at them like crazy! "
" oh my god, remember that little blanket you gave us when the baby was born? yeah! they refuse to go to sleep without it now, it's the cutest thing ever! "
" oh, i took the most adorable photo of the baby yesterday while they were sleeping! wanna see? "
" i don't think you need to worry about your parenting skills. 'cause that little baby in there is the happiest, luckiest kid in the whole world just by having you in their life. they might not know it yet. but they are. "
" well, according to the principal at the last pre-school, we should have been booking placements before the baby was even conceived. "
" i wonder what kind of life this baby will grow up to live? "
" you're such a natural with the baby! he/she/they love you so much already; look how they're gazing up at you! "
" i'm so sorry, but we're gonna have to leave early; the bottle leaked all over my bag, and it's feeding time now, so it's either leave early or unleash a screaming infant on you! "
" would you mind holding the baby for a minute while i go grab my stuff? "
" don't judge, but we were out of clean onesies, so i dressed the baby in that huge old t-shirt you got at that concert five years ago. if i'm being honest, it suits them! "
" listen. i know i complain and i struggle. i honestly think my mistakes outnumber my triumphs, as far as parenting is concerned. but i have never loved anything nor anyone nearly as much as i love this baby. never. "
