I have grown up to a family who picked sides.
At first we were together, then the divorce.
Mother was good, Father was bad.
Visits started things improved.
Father was good? Mother was good?
Things changed across years and with it so did that.
Sister moved out, it's all really blurry.
Mother was bad Father was good.
We tried to change custody, it went nowhere.
Father is good, Mother was. Bad?
Not sure. Sister cut mother off for a while, one brother moved in with father as he was able to unlike the remaining two.
Father was good.
Father was...Father...? Mother was good?
Sister let mother back in life. Sister works for mothers company now?
Mother is good Father is bad.
He chose his wife and her kids over us. He stopped visits. He lacked communication. With saving. Brothers moved out. One left mom, one left dad. They live together now
Sister has her kid, her husband, and works for mom.
Brothers live together, near father but they dont speak. Not together, not really. Father is absent to two of us. Sometimes he'll say hello to sister , rarely oldest brother.. Not his two youngests though.
But.
I feel thats all its been. Picking sides with my siblings when I know now.
Father is bad.
Mother is bad.
The sides change, and yet my sister still desperately wants the love of our father currently even if he's barely there. Just his wife who's.. Cruel.
The sides have always changed but we had to of known.
Neither was good.
Father abused us verbally. Mother neglected us heavily.
There was physical abuse. Not to a very big level but I know there was some. Even just a small thing was enough.
The divorce is blurry. My memory is blurry.
My life.
Is blurry.
So I picked sides with my siblings.
I loved mother when they did.
I loved father when they did.
And now what?
Mother supports and loves me while saying the most harmful things. While not as neglectful from before, she selectively forgot her harm. Her abandonment even in one single memory. She's better, but she's not good.
Father is gone. Theres no other way to say it; a happy birthday and not a this is why i stopped talking with my children is not him being there. For a while he was better. He didn't yell, he didn't have those awful cleaning standards. He was kind, caring, brought gifts and things and was amazing.. But he wasn't good then either.
I have done everything to pick a side with my siblings but I'm tired of pretending. I live alone with Mother, and have lost them all. There is sides to pick but I've made my mind up.
I cannot love either of them. I cannot see a family within my own parents.
I cannot see a loving mother, I cannot see a caring father.
I dont have to remember the trauma perfectly to know they hurt me. They hurt us.
I am the youngest, and I see my older siblings as my only real family. Not my fathers wife's kids. They did not go through our life. They are adults I have no care for.
What I care for is my siblings.
Yet I can admit we cant do sides anymore.
Craving affection and love of a parent that wont really come from ours.. I dont see it as worth it.
I'm tired. Tired of this.
It has been sides, and I'm tired of the sides.
Tired of the way we lied to ourselves.
I will not side with my father. Who brought our family in together as Mormons and into that unsafe place.
I will not side with my mother. Who makes me feel like shit. Who verbally and physically hurt me because the possibility of mental health felt fake to her at first.
I am done.
I am tired and I am done.
Neither is good. No amount of lying can change that.
