#mental things

[prettyindeath]

I am no longer becoming the person that I want to be. I am that person now. There are still things that I want to do, and I am the person who can do them.

[renee561]

The anxiety bubbles

until it's hard to breathe.

Its cause unknown,

it's there clawing it's way to the surface.

Sleep sounds appealing

I know there will be no true relief.

[alittleoptimistic]

*creating as much as possible before The Brain decides to take an extended walk in space again*

[moonbunnie7]

When u are home, have u ever felt like u had no idea what to do so u just sit there staring into space and doing nothing???? What should I do? What can I do? Should I go meet someone? What should I do??

[prettyindeath]

Let's talk aesthetic vs. lifestyle.

Full transparency: This in regards to this article about the puff dresses made by Selkie. Wherein, the author of the article discovers that while they find the dresses cute, in practice they aren't comfortable wearing one, and then proceeds to blame most of that on "the male gaze," rather than...ya know...the dress simply not being for them? (Seriously it goes off on a whole lot of misconceptions about Lolita fashion, hyper-feminism, and is very internalized misogynistic. 😬😬 But that's a whole other topic.)

In case you've never seen the Selkie dresses before:

Links to the first picture and the second picture via @Selkie's Instagram page. (Note: While not Black-owned, Selkie is woman-owned. I chose these specific examples of the dresses because I'm me.)

Gosh, where to start with this? I really want to express well that I've been thinking about this aesthetic vs. lifestyle comparison for a while (since that old story of the IG influencer with over a million followers who couldn't sell 20-something shirts during their brand's debut launch first hit my feed, and caused me to think more deeply on the shortcomings of aesthetics), and that I'm not bashing someone for not feeling comfortable in a style of dress that I like. This falls under autonomy to me; both in someone disliking something, and me being able to understand why they didn't like it. (Some of the non-patriarchy stuff they mentioned—like the length and sheerness of the dresses—I've had concerns about as well, and have found my own solutions for.)

Loving the aesthetic of something doesn't mean that you'd also enjoy adorning yourself in said aesthetic. I'm actually quite fond of some body modification looks, but I could never follow through on implanting horns into my head. ("It's cute/it looks good on them but it's not for me.") And that's okay! Not everything is meant for me— you— us!

And when we come across these things, I think it's perfectly reasonable to relegate it to something that we can admire in passing. Or fantasies we indulge in from time to time. Or even, just, never look to it again.

I very much related to the author's feelings of juxtaposition in seeing themselves in the dress, and seeing that in their surroundings. I can't tell y'all how many times I've looked at something and felt like it'd be too out-of-place for me to own; to wear on my body, to exist in my home, to go out into my neighborhood with. ("If I head to Manhattan, I could probably get away with it...")

But the main difference between myself and the author in this scenario is that when I look at the things I want, I want them to be part of the life I'm living now. With the body I have now, the home I have now, the neighborhood I'm living in now—unlike the author wanting the dress to whisk them away to an entirely other reality. I don't want to be a fairy in a garden in a Selkie dress, I want to feel extra cute while getting pastelitos from the lady down the block in a Selkie dress. Is it extra? Yes. Would I get weird looks for it? Absolutely. And that's what I'd sign up for by making that dress a part of my life. And I know this. I've made peace with this.

The fact of the matter is that going from liking something on a screen as an aesthetic and having it in reality as a part of your life is very much a "jump the shark" moment, and there will always be people who rev up that motorcycle and feel "wrong" for being on that bike, on that ramp, in that venue. And that's normal. (Not the darn patriarchy at work. 😭😭)

[prettyindeath]

Currently reading Helter Skelter by Okazaki Kyoko (on the Tachiyomi app):

And this page is weighing on me right now.

"Youth and beauty aren't synonymous. Youth is beautiful, but beauty isn't youth. Beauty is more all-encompassing."

Need I to go into ageism? How there are those in society who consider female humans in their "prime" when they're teenagers and in their early 20s? That once they're past 25—or, if they're lucky, hit 30—they've lost all their "value"? How many think that women aren't allowed to age, including some women themselves?

I've done a lot of work to get myself out of this mindset. Not that I ever co-signed it, but it did creep up on me every now and then; most prominently when I was 18 and then 21. As someone actively trying to live beautifully, I'm well aware of how self-destructive that mentality can be. How, if I don't keep myself in check, I'm going to lose my mind and fall into despair. How I could break. How much I absolutely don't want that. (Gosh, this manga has me in such a mood right now. Stories where the heroines risk it all in pursuit of their vanity are some of my faves. They're like fair warnings for how I should go about my life. Along with Helter Skelter, I also recommend the manhwa Eunsoo on Lezhin, about a ballerina trying to maintain people's perception of her as a "princess" after the death of her boyfriend, btw.)

Currently, that fear of me wasting away once I'm past my 30s is diminishing. But I don't know if that's permanent. I know that I can still be pretty when I'm in my 50s and 60s and beyond, but a part of me is sincerely hoping my baby face will help in making me look younger than those ages when I am them, to help with that. That I'll age gracefully, and even though I'll respond with "I'm [INSERT CURRENT AGE HERE]," if someone says "You don't look a day past [INSERT YOUNGER AGE HERE]" (or whatever variation this may come in), I still want to be told that.

And how problematic is that, really?

I know that I won't ever get plastic surgery or even Botox to get rid of wrinkles and sagging skin—but... Hm. Yeah. I'll drop this train of thought here.

"Youth and beauty aren't synonymous."

How easy that is to forget. Or to know! Because I totally didn't realize that until I read this page... Or, like, maybe I knew, but no one had ever spelled it out for me, so I never acknowledged it. I never faced it until now.

"...beauty is all-encompassing."

I kinda think that statement is very hopeful? But it's also terrifying. "You can be beautiful as anything," versus "You must be everything to be beautiful."

I dunno. I'm in a shmood. I feel a type of way. A little lighter?

Let me stop and finish reading this manga, I'm sooo curious.

[prettyindeath]

Genuinely proud of how far I’ve come when it comes to handling conflicts. Like yesterday, so much went wrong for me, and the whole time I made sure to keep a level head. Years ago, I would’ve broken down in tears and prolonged my misery throughout all of my work. But instead, I took breaks when I could, took my time, assured myself that taking my time and doing things in the best way I could then was better than rushing and getting stressed (even if my body was starting to tire out), and followed through on everything I needed to do without taking shortcuts. That way, when I was finally able to get in bed and rest, nothing about what I had left that I could’ve done that day was on my mind, and I actually woke up today well-rested. I can literally feel that I made the right decisions.

This week is looking to be a little more stressful than others, but at least I have peace of mind in knowing that I’ll definitely get through it all. “I’m sure that everything will be alright,” or whatever Sakura uses a mantra in Cardcaptor Sakura.