#midnightfeelings

[badthoughts-and-evenworsewriting]

When our time zones differ and we miss our chance to talk by only five minutes, I hope you know I'll think about you for the remaining hours until we can try again.

[amor-de-umamenina]

Hoje eu vi ele.

A troca de olhares — rápida, mas tão intensa — rasgou meu peito em silêncio. Foi como se o tempo parasse por um segundo só nosso, embora o mundo ao redor continuasse girando alheio à dor que me consumia.

Meu coração, tolo e insistente, bateu mais forte… não de esperança, mas de saudade daquilo que nunca foi. Dói. Dói saber que nunca o terei. Que esse sentimento mora só em mim — um grito mudo que ecoa no vazio da impossibilidade.

Meu corpo, cúmplice do desejo, suplica por uma presença que não lhe pertence. E eu sigo aqui, entre o real e o sonho, amando em silêncio quem talvez nunca vai saber.

📎 Sunderhus Escriturias

[badthoughts-and-evenworsewriting]

I'm trapped within these four walls

Kept hidden inside them, knowing the view outside is much nicer

Knowing there's another part of the world where the sun shines a bit more brightly

Knowing I can never see that view or the waterfall that flows near it

These four walls keep me in

Even as I walk down down the sidewalk they entrap me

They remind me I cannot leave

I cannot sit by that waterfall next to my sun

These will be the four walls I see until my eyes close eternally

Bad grammar? Yeah. Bad writing? Also yeah. Feelings expressed? I think so.

[badthoughts-and-evenworsewriting]

Today you used a metaphor to describe us, the same metaphor I've been secretly using for a month. As I read your message, I cried a bit. I don't know if you read it somewhere, ripped it off of someone, or if you're referencing a poem I once showed you. Honestly, I don't care much as to where you got it from, I only care that you said it. Why? Because it means that you see us the same way I do. It made me think about how the universe messed up, putting us on opposite sides of this planet. Two minds and two hearts connected so deeply, yet forced to live separate lives.

Sometimes you just need to get something off your chest, but can't let anyone know.

[badthoughts-and-evenworsewriting]

Maybe I'm too hard to love

Maybe that's why people leave

They'd rather lose me than struggle to love me

Maybe I am a little too hard to love

Maybe the flaws outweigh the rest

That's why I'm left sitting here alone with myself

I think I am hard to love

I think that's the quality most people see

And I can't expect others to do what I haven't been able to yet

[badthoughts-and-evenworsewriting]

There's a certain type of relief after ending things with a friend who took more than they gave

[badthoughts-and-evenworsewriting]

The man who taught me I'm optional

The man who was supposed to be my example, my standard for the future

That man was the first to teach me I'm optional

He taught me not to expect too much from people

He taught me people can come and go as they please

He taught me love isn't unconditional and permanent

The man who was supposed to give me the world fragmented it for me

He left me picking up the pieces

He left me figuring out how to arrange them on my own

He left me feeling lost and confused

The first man who was supposed to be my safe space decided to take the space for himself

He chose to maintain his life away from mine

He chose to not call, text or show up

He chose to exit his role in a life he was responsible for creating

The first man to ever love me taught me that love isn't enough

He taught me I'm not worth staying for

He taught me you can love and leave

He taught me not even his daughter, his own flesh and blood, is a permanent installment in his life

The first man who held me close pushed me the furthest away

The first man to teach me I'm optional, my flesh, my blood, my father

[badthoughts-and-evenworsewriting]

I know I'll cry when I finally hear your voice

The sweet sound of my name on your tongue

The way your accent frames the words you speak

The carefully chosen words you say

The nicknames, once written, uttered into charged air

The way each sound will stick to my eidetic heart

I know as soon as you open your pretty mouth, fighting the tears will be a battle I'll happily lose

Same same, bad writing and confusing feelings tonight :)