#mild misgendering

[softichill]

Person: Oh, what a cute dog! What's her name?

Me: His name is Wylie. He's a boy.

Person: She's so cute!

Me: ....I just said he was a boy.

Person: *to my dog* Oh, you're such a good girl! Well, bye!

[linddzz]

Signal Strength: Or, The Benefits of Elvish vs Dwarvish Phones

Rating: PG-13 Genre: Humor, Modern AU (modernized fantasy world) Pairings: Bilbo/Thorin. Mentions of Kili/Tauriel, Primula/Drogo Chapter: 1/? Summary: An AU where everything is the same, there are still elves, dwarves, hobbits, and a quest to reclaim a mountain from a dragon. But now there are also cell phones, computers, motorcycles, and discussions of species-based racism. It turns out not much changes. Here is an old tale retold through the text logs taken from the phone of a Mister Bilbo Baggins. Notes: This is such a silly dumb light thing that I had way too much fun with. Basic information is that this is still Middle Earth with all the fantasy elements of Middle Earth, but with modern technology added to it. Not gonna lie, half of this was just for the image of Thorin with his ponytail, leather jacket, and motorcycle, furiously texting on what is their equivalent of a nokia brick phone and using txtspeak because he still has the dumb numberpad. Hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing. 

Incoming Text: Unknown ‘is this the halfling’ Outgoing Text: Unknown ‘Yeah! Just want to say again that I’m really glad you guys still let me come on this. Thank you! :)’ Incoming Text: Thorin ‘dont text this number unless its an emergency’

Outgoing Text: Gandalf ‘You tricked me into joining a gang.’ Incoming Text: Gandalf ‘You’re being prejudiced. A group of fellows who share an interest in motorbikes does not make a gang.’ Outgoing Text: Gandalf ‘THE KNUCKLEDUSTERS SAY OTHERWISE.’ Outgoing Text: Gandalf ‘Three of them have matching leather jackets. What is “Sons of Durin” that is a gang name Gandalf this is a gang. This is a gang and I am going to either die or be arrested for gang related activity because THIS IS A GANG.’ Incoming Text: Gandalf ‘You’re being absurd Bilbo. “Sons of Durin” is a reference to their family history.” Outgoing Text: MEDDLING CODGER ‘Oh so it’s “all in the family” DO YOU HEAR WHAT YOU’RE SAYING GANDALF’ Incoming Text: MEDDLING CODGER ‘This isn’t a gang. Besides, you already signed the contract.’ Outgoing Text: MEDDLING CODGER ‘I’m taking a screenshot of this conversation, so if I die, they know it’s your fault so I won’t be remembered as being the hobbit that died in a dwarf biker gang.’

Incoming Text: Gaffer G 'Mister Baggins, do you want me to paint over that weird scratch on your door? It'd be no trouble!' Incoming Text: Gaffer G 'Sorry, didn't know you were out for the day, hope I didn't disturb you!' Incoming Text: Gaffer G 'Mister Baggins im so sorry to interrupt again but i just heard a really worrying rumor sir! Are you alright?' Incoming Text: Gaffer G 'Mister Baggins?????' Incoming Text: Gaffer G 'Mister Baggins they're saying you were taken by a dwarf gang!? Is the scratch a gang sign?! It's not true is it?? Sir are you alright??' Incoming Text: Gaffer G 'Mister Baggins please text me back! I'm about to call the rangers!' Outgoing Text: Gaffer G 'Sorry! The signal out here is dreadful! I’m alright! :)' Incoming Text: Gaffer G 'Out where???' Outgoing Text: Gaffer G 'Oh uh' Outgoing Text: Gaffer G 'Camping' Outgoing Text: Gaffer G ''Im on a camping trip with uh....dwarves. For the foreseeable future. Could you watch Bag End while i'm gone? Ill set up the auto deposit to double your payment for the trouble! :)' Incoming Text: Gaffer G ''is this code??! Are they threatening you?! Were you actually taken by a gang?!' Outgoing Text: WorryWort G 'Its not a gang. I think. Gandalf says they’re not a gang' Outgoing Text: WorryWort G 'Its just a nice camping trip to uh, go get a dragon. Oh dear...' Incoming Text: Worrywort G 'Mister Baggins just say the word ''pipe" and ill call the rangers in a flash sir the dwarves won't suspect nothing' Outgoing Text: WorryWort G 'Goodness sake I wasn't kidnapped!' Outgoing Text: WorryWort G 'I’m capable of making my own bad decisions.' Outgoing Text: WorryWort G 'Gotta go, I'm getting shoved back into Dori's sidecar so I guess our stop is done. Thanks for watching things!' Incoming Text: WorryWort G 'Mister Baggins???'

Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘where r u’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘how difficult is it to give food to the boys’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘WHERE THE FUCK R THE BIKES’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘WHERE THE FUCK R U???’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘WHERE THE FUCK R KILI AND FILI???’ Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘WE MAY HAVE A SLIGHT EMERGENCY PLS BRING WEAPONS’

Incoming Text: Fili ‘BILBO!!!!’ Incoming Text: Kili ‘HEY BILBO!!’ Outgoing Text: Kili ‘You know that making it all capital letters doesn’t make it actually louder? Why are you both texting me at the same time? I don’t trust it.’ Incoming Text: Fili ‘That hurts man.’ Outgoing Text: Fili ‘I’d texted Kili that?? Are you two reading each other’s texts???’ Incoming Text: Kili ‘Yes.’ Outgoing Text: Thing2 ‘Of course you are.’ Incoming Text: Thing1 ‘Stop being a grump and come here!!!’ Outgoing Text: Thing1 ‘Why?’ Incoming Text: Thing2 ‘SELFIE WITH THE TROLL STATUES BILBRO! :D’ Outgoing Text: Thing2 ‘Don’t call me that. Why would I take selfies with the things that almost ripped my arms off?’ Incoming Text: Thing1 ‘Because they DIDN’T rip your arms off.’ Incoming Text: Thing1 ‘And now they’re rocks. hah!’

Outgoing Text: Thing1 ‘Yes and now your uncle is glaring at me even MORE than before.’ Incoming Text: Thing2 ‘nah that’s just his face.’

Outgoing Text: Thing2 ‘Why don’t you get him to take your picture?’ Incoming Text: Thing2 ‘bilbro. have u SEEN his phone????’ Incoming Text: Thing1 ‘It’s honestly older than we are’ Incoming Text: Thing1 ‘Besides, the trolls were totally OUR thing. We found them!’ Outgoing Text: Thing1 ‘I’m not sure what I think about nearly getting me eaten becoming ‘our thing.’ We have a thing?’ Incoming Text: Thing2 ‘BILBRO STOP BEING A GRUMP AND COME TAKE A SELFIE WITH US’

Outgoing Text: Prim -picture sent- Incoming Text: Prim ‘What kind of camping is THIS!?’ Incoming Text: Prim ‘Are those TROLLS??’ Incoming Text: Prim ‘And who are these dwarves? No one told me they were cute.’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘You’re engaged. To my cousin. I think as the family head I need to remind you of this.’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘And yes those were trolls. The important thing is they didn’t rip my arms off.’ Incoming Text: Prim ‘So it looks like the rumors that you went bonkers and ran off with dwarves are true then.’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘Hope this doesn’t ruin my label as the “Cool Future In-Law.”’

Incoming Text: Prim ‘You kidding??? This makes you the only cool Baggins there is!’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘What about Drogo? The Baggins you’re engaged to?’ Incoming Text: Prim ‘He’s ok.’ Incoming Text: Prim ‘I told him I’m just marrying him so that I can be semi-adopted by you.’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘I shouldn’t be anyone’s role model Prim. Don’t run off with dwarves.’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘Fili and Kili say hi.’

Incoming Text: Prim ‘Heeeyyyyyyyy ;) omy do they come as a set together???’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘Stop that. Brandybucks I swear. You all are shameless.’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘Besides they’re nothing compared to their uncle. Who hates me.’ Incoming Text: Prim ‘PICS’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘No, he’s an asshole. A good looking asshole, but still an asshole. Now behave, we’re getting back on the road after not getting eaten by trolls. Tell Drogo I said hello and that I’m sorry for the crap he’s probably getting from the rest of the family.’ Incoming Text: Prim ‘Speaking of that, Lobelia keeps bitching about how the only thing they talk about at brunch is you ruining the family. So you may hear from her.’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘Wonderful.’

Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘Are we lost?’

Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘no’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘we r working on where to go from here’ Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘My phone has GPS’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘what’ Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘It’s this amazing thing newer phones have that tells you where you are. Like maps but better.’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘i know what gps is’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘is it on’ Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘Yes?’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘this whole time’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘uv had ur gps on’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘on ur ELF MADE PHONE’ Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘.....Yes?’ Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘Did I miss something?’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘TURN IT OFF’ Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘What!?’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘THIS WHOLE TIME UV HAD THAT ON’

Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘THEY COULD HAVE BEEN TRACKING US’ Outgoing Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE ‘Are you serious!?’ Incoming Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE ‘elves use gps to track the stupid phones they make’ Incoming Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE ‘and since u happen to carry an elf phone they could know where we r’ Incoming Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE ‘so turn off ur fucking gps’ Outgoing Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE ‘Wow you are serious.’ Incoming Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE ‘TURN. IT.OFF.’ Outgoing Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE ‘OK! It’s off!! There we go!!’ Outgoing Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE ‘Why the hell would elves care where we are??’ Outgoing Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE ‘I’m pretty sure they have better things to do than track us.’ Outgoing Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE ‘Oh you’re ignoring me again nevermind.’

Incoming Text: Drogo ‘Cousin, why is my fiance asking about visiting the dwarves in Bree?’ Incoming Text: Drogo ‘I feel like this is your fault.’ Outgoing Text: Drogo ‘You know as well as I do that I have no control over that girl.’ Incoming Text: Drogo ‘True. Speaking of harpies, Lobelia is asking if you’re dead yet. You dead?’ Outgoing Text: Drogo ‘Not yet. She can get her mitts off my house.’ Incoming Text: Drogo ‘Prim wants to know where the other hot dwarves are. Bilbo. Why?’ Outgoing Text: Drogo ‘I took them all.’ Incoming Text: Drogo ‘Good. I can’t be having my wife bringing home dwarves. We don’t have the responsibility for a pet like that.’ Outgoing Text: Drogo ‘The shedding alone is terrible, you have no idea.’

Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘y do u have a sword’ Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘Gandalf gave it to me. Why do any of us have swords? What century is this?’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘do u even know how 2 use a sword’ Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘Do you even know how to use punctuation?’ Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘I am so sorry, that was rude.’ Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘No I have no idea how to use a sword why would I know how to use a sword?? Who knows how to use a sword!?’

Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘Bloody hell you probably know how to use a sword.’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘Yes.’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘I also know how to use punctuation.’ Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE 'I really am sorry about that...' Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘dont stab urself with that thing’

Outgoing Text: Prim ‘SO FUN FACT OF TODAY’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘HIGH SPEED CHASES? NOT THAT FUN WHEN YOU’RE STUCK IN THE SIDE CAR.’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘ALSO THERE ARE ORCS. WE ARE OFFICIALLY HUNTED BY ORCS.’ Incoming Text: Prim ‘Holy shit are you ok???’ Incoming Text: Prim ‘Your life is amazing btw but holy shit don’t die.’

Incoming Text: Prim ‘Drogo says we need you at the wedding so he doesn’t kill Lobelia! Don’t die!’

Outgoing Text: Drogo -picture sent- Incoming Text: Drogo ‘IS THAT RIVENDELL?’ Incoming Text: Drogo ‘Last I heard you were being chased on the highway by orcs. How the hell did that end up with you in Rivendell???’ Outgoing Text: Drogo ‘To be honest I’m not really sure.’ Outgoing Text: Drogo ‘It has something to do with Gandalf’s weird hippy friend.’ Outgoing Text: Drogo ‘I want to live here forever though.’ Outgoing Text: Drogo ‘I have a sword now, by the way. Thought that’d be worth mentioning. It’s really lovely.’ Outgoing Text: Drogo -picture sent- Incoming Text: Drogo ‘What the hell is your life Bilbo?’ Incoming Text: Drogo ‘This is the most ridiculous midlife crisis I have ever seen.’ Outgoing Text: Drogo ‘Well I couldn’t do something boring like get a fancy car I guess.’

Incoming Text: Thing2 ‘heeyyy bilbro!’ Outgoing Text: Thing2 ‘Kili that wasn’t funny the first ten times.’ Incoming Text: Thing2 ‘sure sure so u know elvish right?’ Outgoing Text: Thing2 ‘Where is this going?’

Incoming Text: Thing2 ‘can u tell me how to flirt with the elf chicks?’ Outgoing Text: Thing2 ‘Wow.’ Incoming Text: Thing2 ‘DO NOT TELL UNCLE THORIN’ Outgoing Text: Thing2 ‘Oh goodness no.’ Incoming Text: Thing2 ‘and uv been getting on great with that elf uv been hanging out with!’ Outgoing Text: Thing2 ‘What are you talking about?’ Incoming Text: Thing2 ‘the elf leader or whatever. i think u could do better but hey’ Outgoing Text: Thing2 ‘ELROND. THAT IS ELROND.’ Incoming Text: Thing2 ‘she sounds lovely bilbro :)’ Outgoing Text: Thing2 ‘Elrond isn’t a “she” Kili. And we get along because we both like learning. Also he’s already been married.’ Incoming Text: Thing2 ‘oh no! im sorry, i keep messing that up! :( the elves get so weird about it if u mess it up and they all look the same!’ Incoming Text: Thing2 ‘is that racist?’ Outgoing Text: Thing2 ‘Not as racist as your uncle, but I wouldn’t go saying that to the elves.’

Outgoing Text: Prim ‘I think I just had a bonding moment with Thorin.’ Incoming Text: Prim ‘Is this the hot asshole?’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘Yes. And shut up. We had a talk about fireflies and his home growing up.’ Incoming Text: Prim “oooooOOOOOOooooo’

Outgoing Text: Prim ‘Don’t start.’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘He seems a little more calm here when he’s not grumbling about the elves. Maybe he’s just an asshole when there’s a lot of life-or-death scenarios going on.’

Incoming Text: Thorin ‘stop fraternizing with the elves’

Outgoing Text: Thorin ‘Excuse me?!’ Incoming Text: Thorin ‘u talk to them 2 much. ur on dwarf business’ Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘Elrond helped us with that map! And I talk to who I want!’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘elronds not as bad as the others’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘probably bc he’s only half elf’ Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘we’re still not here to make friends’ Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘esp not with elves’ Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘ur not telling the others what we’re doing r u?’

Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘this quest is dwarf business’ Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘even though ur here’ Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘i wont have u babbling what we’re doing and jeopardizing this quest’ Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘just bc u want to trade song lyrics with the pointy ears’ Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘i know u have pointy ears but u know what i meant’ Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘the elves arent friends’ Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘r u getting my texts?’ Outgoing Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘Oh yeah I make sure every elf I run into gets a complete backstory about our quest, who you are, who your parents are, every place I lived, and pictures of us so they can identify us later.’ Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘WHAT’ Outgoing Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘I’m being sarcastic bloody hell. The only thing I’ve been talking about the elves with is songs and poetry. And they’re all very friendly!’ Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘if u like them so much u should just stay here’

Outgoing Text: Prim ‘Nevermind he’s still an asshole.’

PART 2 Or check out the Signal Strength tag for more texts/headcanons/asks!