#chatlog fic

[eloarei]

All Night

Read here on AO3. words: 931 fandom: Boku no Hero Academia characters/ pairings: Izuku/All Might, Izuku/Bakugo, Class 1-A & Izuku (about half of 1-A is present) tags: chatlog, texting, dialogue-only, mild crack, teasing notes: I’ve never written a chatlog type fic before, but I woke up and suddenly it was there.  Izuku just wanted to talk about the homework. xXx Deku: Did either of you finish the homework we got from All Night? Deku: It was kind of hard. ~No Gravity~: Pfft Deku-kun, was that a Freudian slip? Deku: what? Deku: omg uraraka-san no IngeniumX: Uraraka-san, you know Freud's theories have been disproven, right? Deku: it was ust a typo

IngeniumX: Although that doesn't necessarily diminish the implication. ~No Gravity~: hee! Deku: it was Autocorrect! ~No Gravity~: aww it's okay Deku-kun ~No Gravity~: i mean it's All Right. for you to like All Might Deku: uraraka-san please xBakusatsujinx: hahaha IngeniumX: Midoriya-kun, Uraraka-san is just teasing you. Deku: what? why is Kacchan here? IngeniumX: But I'm positive your friends and classmates will be fully supportive of you if that is the case. ~No Gravity~: Oh I added him when I made the group. xBakusatsujinx: Ochaco you hit the nail on the head with this one. Nerd's been obsessed since forever. ~No Gravity~: awww Deku: Kacchan come on xBakusatsujinx: when we were kids sometimes he wanted us to play pretend ~No Gravity~: so cute Deku: omg Kacchan dont xBakusatsujinx: and I'd be All Might xBakusatsujinx: ... xBakusatsujinx: yknow actually i'll just let you imagine the rest ~No Gravity~: aww Densetsu Denki: hey don't leave us hanging _Earphone_Jakku_: You can't do that, Bakugo. Finish your story. Yaoyorozu Momo: The two of you must have gotten along better back then. Alien+Queen: you kissed, didn't you? =3 Deku: how many people did you add to this chat??! Rockman: did you play house and have a bunch of kids GrapesOfWrath: that is Disgusting! Ashido I can't believe you made me imagine that with my own brain ~No Gravity~: most of 1-A. ^^; Sorry! Froppy: Mineta-chan, quit it. _Earphone_Jakku_: /You're/ disgusting, Mineta. Deku: [this kills the man.png] xBakusatsujinx: he's definitely got a thing for All Might though ~No Gravity~: i'm sorry, Deku-kun! ^^; _Earphone_Jakku_: Yeah but who /doesn't/ though? Rockman: bakugo are you just trying to get us to stop thinking about you kissing midoriya? GrapesOfWrath: I DON'T ~No Gravity~: I never meant for this to turn into an... All Fight ~No Gravity~: XD; Yaoyorozu Momo: Nobody ask your opinion, Mineta. Alien+Queen: oh my gosh Ochaco yes GrapesOfWrath: JIRO SAID WHO DOESN'T HAVE A CRUSH ON ALL MIGHT AND I SAID I DONT Densetsu Denki: woah Jiro-chan do you have a crush on all might too? ~No Gravity~: hehe but its quite the All Sight, isn't it? Rockman: capslock abuse, ban him Alien+Queen: it's definitely an impressive chat log! Good thing we're All Tight, or this might turn into no bark and All Bite. =P _Earphone_Jakku_: I mean it's not like a crush really. It's just, he's the world's greatest hero. ~No Gravity~: Ashido, nice! _Earphone_Jakku_: It's not like it's weird if Midoriya does like him. Kinda makes sense. Alien+Queen: thanks! =D I love a good pun. Densetsu Denki: yeah I get that _Earphone_Jakku_: He's a celebrity. Deku: I just wanted to know if anyone finished the homework. T_T GrapesOfWrath: you guys are crazy! Why would anybody like all might? If he was a girl maybe. Froppy: Midoriya-chan's not dead after all. :] Densetsu Denki: you don't have to be shy about it, Midoriya. Alien+Queen: /I'd/ like All Might if he was a girl. wow can you imagine? Rockman: haha mineta but his tits are already bigger than most of the girls in class Densetsu Denki: it's okay if you like All Might, jiro said so. Rockman: maybe you need to change your priorities. GrapesOfWrath: man tits are not the same as girl tits! AT ALL. youre heathens! _Earphone_Jakku_: Yeah, sure. I'll back you up, Midoriya. ~No Gravity~: aww see deku-kun, people don't mind <3 Froppy: Midoriya-chan, I'm on your side. IngeniumX: You should all stop teasing Midoriya-kun. After all, you can't help how you feel sometimes. GrapesOfWrath: I'm leaving, you guys are gross. _Earphone_Jakku_: I'm not teasing. Yaoyorozu Momo: Yes, Iida-kun is right. Midoriya-kun, was there a particular part of the homework you had trouble with? I can PM you about it if you like. Rockman: I bet mineta's having a crisis, thinking about how big All Might's boobs are xBakusatsujinx: I can't believe you're all siding with the nerd. It's npt cute it's annoying. ~No Gravity~: lol yeah, pretty sure they're bigger than mine XD; Densetsu Denki: hey don;t be jealous just becayse Midoriya would rather kiss the hot teacher these days haha IngeniumX: Kaminari-kun, I'm not sure that's entirely appropriate to talk about. Alien+Queen: ooh boy that's an image! IngeniumX: Even if it is true. ~No Gravity~: oh my gosh XDXDXD; Froppy: wow Rockman: haha mineta would be puking right now _Earphone_Jakku_: Lol is it getting a little hot in here? Yaoyorozu Momo: Well. I have to go now. Good night! Deku: [this is fine.gif] ALL MIGHT: Shouldn't you all be heading to bed by now? Densetsu Denki: !! Alien+Queen: omg was he here the whole time?! Froppy: oops XD; Rockman: oh haha hey sensei _Earphone_Jakku_: uh yeah I've gotta go ALL MIGHT: Midoriya, if you need extra help with the homework, you can see me privately after class. ~No Gravity~: ʘ‿ʘ Froppy: wowow _Earphone_Jakku_: Holy shit I'm dying! Densetsu Denki: please don't let us all get detention Rockman: did he even read the rest of the convo? Did he read what he just wrote?? Alien+Queen: THIS IS THE WORST!!! <3 <3 Deku: Okay. Thanks. ^^; _Earphone_Jakku_: he's not even paying attention Alien+Queen: I CAN'T WITH THIS ALL MIGHT: (o^-')b Froppy: cute~ GrapesOfWrath: OH MY GOD I AM CALLING THE COPS ON EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!

[saltandlimes]

Take Away These Words

Kylux, 737 words, Teen

[Delete complete message file: YES/NO? Once deleted, this file will not be retrievable. This action is final]

FROM: HUX [Month 10, Day 21, 06:37] Ren, make sure you don’t forget to bow slightly when the Chancellor comes into the room. And to offer your cloak to the First Minister. It’s bad enough that they asked for you, but at least you could have the courtesy to not botch this up. The Bothans are rather prickly about matters of protocol, you know.

FROM: HUX [Month 10, Day 21, 08:29] Yes, I agree that I’m probably better suited to diplomatic missions than you are. But Snoke wants you to do this. I assume he wants to demonstrate the might of the Order, or something. In any case, it’s not up to us to decide who goes on these missions. We just have to follow the instructions he’s given us. In any case, if things go sideways, you’re the better person to deal with them.

FROM: HUX [Month 10, Day 21, 22:18] I know the Bothans may seem uninterested in the Order, but they did invite us there. Just try your best not to aggravate them and everything should go smoothly.

FROM: HUX [Month 10, Day 23, 04:14] Ren, please report in. I want status updates and an ETA on your arrival back on Finalizer.

FROM: HUX [Month 10, Day 25, 23:48] Don’t get yourself killed out there. I haven’t heard from you in days.

FROM: HUX [Month 10, Day 26, 03:54] You absolute idiot. I don’t care that you wrecked the speeders. I just wanted to hear back from you. The rest doesn’t matter, not now.

FROM: HUX [Month 10, Day 26, 03:57] No, of course I wasn’t concerned for you.

FROM: HUX [Month 1, Day 30, 09:32] Ren, I’ve heard that Roonadan has particularly good wine. I was wondering if you’d be willing to bring back a bottle. To share, I mean. To taste together. I think I’d like that, to taste wine on your lips.

FROM: HUX [Month 2, Day 19, 23:24] Ren, this morning I realized our liaisons have become unprofessionally intimate. I believe we should break them off at the earliest convenience. Please delete all communications from me that are not of a professional nature, and I will do the same.

[One new message. View: YES/NO?]

FROM: HUX [Month 2, Day 19, 23:59] Ren, I’m

[One new message. View: YES/NO?]

FROM: HUX [Month 2, Day 20, 00:04] Don’t delete the messages. Do not take away these words, for then I will be left with the cold and the dark of deep space. I do not think, no, I could not bear that, Ren. To be left with nothing but a memory, and this huge thing between us, sitting so tight in my chest that sometimes I think I can’t breathe because of it. This isn’t easy for me, you know. But of course you do. You always know, and I’m not sure if that’s horrifying or comforting. I’m never sure about anything with you, Ren. That’s why I left, of course. It wasn’t… there wasn’t anything wrong with it. Waking up next to you was the rightest thing I’ve ever felt. And that’s why I left.

I’m not allowed to have things like that. Or at least, before you, I thought I wasn’t. Now I’m not so sure. But you can’t delete them. Please don’t. Don’t erase this, just because I was afraid. I’ve never asked anyone for something like this, but I’m asking now. Let me try again. Let me try harder. I have not failed at many things in my life, and I will not fail at this. I swear it to you, I will try, and try, and try until I succeed. Only give me the chance to do so.

Please do not let my fear take this away.

FROM: REN [Month 2, Day 20, 00:07] I didn’t delete them. None of them, Hux. We will keep trying, and trying, and we will make this work. We will try until you don’t run away in the morning. We will try until I am not afraid that you will leave.

[linddzz]

Signal Strength: Or, The Benefits of Elvish vs Dwarvish Phones

Rating: PG-13 Genre: Humor, Modern AU (modernized fantasy world) Pairings: Bilbo/Thorin. Mentions of Kili/Tauriel, Primula/Drogo Chapter: 1/? Summary: An AU where everything is the same, there are still elves, dwarves, hobbits, and a quest to reclaim a mountain from a dragon. But now there are also cell phones, computers, motorcycles, and discussions of species-based racism. It turns out not much changes. Here is an old tale retold through the text logs taken from the phone of a Mister Bilbo Baggins. Notes: This is such a silly dumb light thing that I had way too much fun with. Basic information is that this is still Middle Earth with all the fantasy elements of Middle Earth, but with modern technology added to it. Not gonna lie, half of this was just for the image of Thorin with his ponytail, leather jacket, and motorcycle, furiously texting on what is their equivalent of a nokia brick phone and using txtspeak because he still has the dumb numberpad. Hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing. 

Incoming Text: Unknown ‘is this the halfling’ Outgoing Text: Unknown ‘Yeah! Just want to say again that I’m really glad you guys still let me come on this. Thank you! :)’ Incoming Text: Thorin ‘dont text this number unless its an emergency’

Outgoing Text: Gandalf ‘You tricked me into joining a gang.’ Incoming Text: Gandalf ‘You’re being prejudiced. A group of fellows who share an interest in motorbikes does not make a gang.’ Outgoing Text: Gandalf ‘THE KNUCKLEDUSTERS SAY OTHERWISE.’ Outgoing Text: Gandalf ‘Three of them have matching leather jackets. What is “Sons of Durin” that is a gang name Gandalf this is a gang. This is a gang and I am going to either die or be arrested for gang related activity because THIS IS A GANG.’ Incoming Text: Gandalf ‘You’re being absurd Bilbo. “Sons of Durin” is a reference to their family history.” Outgoing Text: MEDDLING CODGER ‘Oh so it’s “all in the family” DO YOU HEAR WHAT YOU’RE SAYING GANDALF’ Incoming Text: MEDDLING CODGER ‘This isn’t a gang. Besides, you already signed the contract.’ Outgoing Text: MEDDLING CODGER ‘I’m taking a screenshot of this conversation, so if I die, they know it’s your fault so I won’t be remembered as being the hobbit that died in a dwarf biker gang.’

Incoming Text: Gaffer G 'Mister Baggins, do you want me to paint over that weird scratch on your door? It'd be no trouble!' Incoming Text: Gaffer G 'Sorry, didn't know you were out for the day, hope I didn't disturb you!' Incoming Text: Gaffer G 'Mister Baggins im so sorry to interrupt again but i just heard a really worrying rumor sir! Are you alright?' Incoming Text: Gaffer G 'Mister Baggins?????' Incoming Text: Gaffer G 'Mister Baggins they're saying you were taken by a dwarf gang!? Is the scratch a gang sign?! It's not true is it?? Sir are you alright??' Incoming Text: Gaffer G 'Mister Baggins please text me back! I'm about to call the rangers!' Outgoing Text: Gaffer G 'Sorry! The signal out here is dreadful! I’m alright! :)' Incoming Text: Gaffer G 'Out where???' Outgoing Text: Gaffer G 'Oh uh' Outgoing Text: Gaffer G 'Camping' Outgoing Text: Gaffer G ''Im on a camping trip with uh....dwarves. For the foreseeable future. Could you watch Bag End while i'm gone? Ill set up the auto deposit to double your payment for the trouble! :)' Incoming Text: Gaffer G ''is this code??! Are they threatening you?! Were you actually taken by a gang?!' Outgoing Text: WorryWort G 'Its not a gang. I think. Gandalf says they’re not a gang' Outgoing Text: WorryWort G 'Its just a nice camping trip to uh, go get a dragon. Oh dear...' Incoming Text: Worrywort G 'Mister Baggins just say the word ''pipe" and ill call the rangers in a flash sir the dwarves won't suspect nothing' Outgoing Text: WorryWort G 'Goodness sake I wasn't kidnapped!' Outgoing Text: WorryWort G 'I’m capable of making my own bad decisions.' Outgoing Text: WorryWort G 'Gotta go, I'm getting shoved back into Dori's sidecar so I guess our stop is done. Thanks for watching things!' Incoming Text: WorryWort G 'Mister Baggins???'

Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘where r u’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘how difficult is it to give food to the boys’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘WHERE THE FUCK R THE BIKES’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘WHERE THE FUCK R U???’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘WHERE THE FUCK R KILI AND FILI???’ Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘WE MAY HAVE A SLIGHT EMERGENCY PLS BRING WEAPONS’

Incoming Text: Fili ‘BILBO!!!!’ Incoming Text: Kili ‘HEY BILBO!!’ Outgoing Text: Kili ‘You know that making it all capital letters doesn’t make it actually louder? Why are you both texting me at the same time? I don’t trust it.’ Incoming Text: Fili ‘That hurts man.’ Outgoing Text: Fili ‘I’d texted Kili that?? Are you two reading each other’s texts???’ Incoming Text: Kili ‘Yes.’ Outgoing Text: Thing2 ‘Of course you are.’ Incoming Text: Thing1 ‘Stop being a grump and come here!!!’ Outgoing Text: Thing1 ‘Why?’ Incoming Text: Thing2 ‘SELFIE WITH THE TROLL STATUES BILBRO! :D’ Outgoing Text: Thing2 ‘Don’t call me that. Why would I take selfies with the things that almost ripped my arms off?’ Incoming Text: Thing1 ‘Because they DIDN’T rip your arms off.’ Incoming Text: Thing1 ‘And now they’re rocks. hah!’

Outgoing Text: Thing1 ‘Yes and now your uncle is glaring at me even MORE than before.’ Incoming Text: Thing2 ‘nah that’s just his face.’

Outgoing Text: Thing2 ‘Why don’t you get him to take your picture?’ Incoming Text: Thing2 ‘bilbro. have u SEEN his phone????’ Incoming Text: Thing1 ‘It’s honestly older than we are’ Incoming Text: Thing1 ‘Besides, the trolls were totally OUR thing. We found them!’ Outgoing Text: Thing1 ‘I’m not sure what I think about nearly getting me eaten becoming ‘our thing.’ We have a thing?’ Incoming Text: Thing2 ‘BILBRO STOP BEING A GRUMP AND COME TAKE A SELFIE WITH US’

Outgoing Text: Prim -picture sent- Incoming Text: Prim ‘What kind of camping is THIS!?’ Incoming Text: Prim ‘Are those TROLLS??’ Incoming Text: Prim ‘And who are these dwarves? No one told me they were cute.’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘You’re engaged. To my cousin. I think as the family head I need to remind you of this.’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘And yes those were trolls. The important thing is they didn’t rip my arms off.’ Incoming Text: Prim ‘So it looks like the rumors that you went bonkers and ran off with dwarves are true then.’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘Hope this doesn’t ruin my label as the “Cool Future In-Law.”’

Incoming Text: Prim ‘You kidding??? This makes you the only cool Baggins there is!’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘What about Drogo? The Baggins you’re engaged to?’ Incoming Text: Prim ‘He’s ok.’ Incoming Text: Prim ‘I told him I’m just marrying him so that I can be semi-adopted by you.’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘I shouldn’t be anyone’s role model Prim. Don’t run off with dwarves.’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘Fili and Kili say hi.’

Incoming Text: Prim ‘Heeeyyyyyyyy ;) omy do they come as a set together???’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘Stop that. Brandybucks I swear. You all are shameless.’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘Besides they’re nothing compared to their uncle. Who hates me.’ Incoming Text: Prim ‘PICS’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘No, he’s an asshole. A good looking asshole, but still an asshole. Now behave, we’re getting back on the road after not getting eaten by trolls. Tell Drogo I said hello and that I’m sorry for the crap he’s probably getting from the rest of the family.’ Incoming Text: Prim ‘Speaking of that, Lobelia keeps bitching about how the only thing they talk about at brunch is you ruining the family. So you may hear from her.’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘Wonderful.’

Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘Are we lost?’

Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘no’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘we r working on where to go from here’ Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘My phone has GPS’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘what’ Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘It’s this amazing thing newer phones have that tells you where you are. Like maps but better.’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘i know what gps is’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘is it on’ Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘Yes?’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘this whole time’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘uv had ur gps on’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘on ur ELF MADE PHONE’ Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘.....Yes?’ Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘Did I miss something?’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘TURN IT OFF’ Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘What!?’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘THIS WHOLE TIME UV HAD THAT ON’

Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘THEY COULD HAVE BEEN TRACKING US’ Outgoing Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE ‘Are you serious!?’ Incoming Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE ‘elves use gps to track the stupid phones they make’ Incoming Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE ‘and since u happen to carry an elf phone they could know where we r’ Incoming Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE ‘so turn off ur fucking gps’ Outgoing Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE ‘Wow you are serious.’ Incoming Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE ‘TURN. IT.OFF.’ Outgoing Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE ‘OK! It’s off!! There we go!!’ Outgoing Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE ‘Why the hell would elves care where we are??’ Outgoing Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE ‘I’m pretty sure they have better things to do than track us.’ Outgoing Text: PARANOID ASSHOLE ‘Oh you’re ignoring me again nevermind.’

Incoming Text: Drogo ‘Cousin, why is my fiance asking about visiting the dwarves in Bree?’ Incoming Text: Drogo ‘I feel like this is your fault.’ Outgoing Text: Drogo ‘You know as well as I do that I have no control over that girl.’ Incoming Text: Drogo ‘True. Speaking of harpies, Lobelia is asking if you’re dead yet. You dead?’ Outgoing Text: Drogo ‘Not yet. She can get her mitts off my house.’ Incoming Text: Drogo ‘Prim wants to know where the other hot dwarves are. Bilbo. Why?’ Outgoing Text: Drogo ‘I took them all.’ Incoming Text: Drogo ‘Good. I can’t be having my wife bringing home dwarves. We don’t have the responsibility for a pet like that.’ Outgoing Text: Drogo ‘The shedding alone is terrible, you have no idea.’

Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘y do u have a sword’ Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘Gandalf gave it to me. Why do any of us have swords? What century is this?’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘do u even know how 2 use a sword’ Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘Do you even know how to use punctuation?’ Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘I am so sorry, that was rude.’ Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘No I have no idea how to use a sword why would I know how to use a sword?? Who knows how to use a sword!?’

Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘Bloody hell you probably know how to use a sword.’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘Yes.’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘I also know how to use punctuation.’ Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE 'I really am sorry about that...' Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘dont stab urself with that thing’

Outgoing Text: Prim ‘SO FUN FACT OF TODAY’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘HIGH SPEED CHASES? NOT THAT FUN WHEN YOU’RE STUCK IN THE SIDE CAR.’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘ALSO THERE ARE ORCS. WE ARE OFFICIALLY HUNTED BY ORCS.’ Incoming Text: Prim ‘Holy shit are you ok???’ Incoming Text: Prim ‘Your life is amazing btw but holy shit don’t die.’

Incoming Text: Prim ‘Drogo says we need you at the wedding so he doesn’t kill Lobelia! Don’t die!’

Outgoing Text: Drogo -picture sent- Incoming Text: Drogo ‘IS THAT RIVENDELL?’ Incoming Text: Drogo ‘Last I heard you were being chased on the highway by orcs. How the hell did that end up with you in Rivendell???’ Outgoing Text: Drogo ‘To be honest I’m not really sure.’ Outgoing Text: Drogo ‘It has something to do with Gandalf’s weird hippy friend.’ Outgoing Text: Drogo ‘I want to live here forever though.’ Outgoing Text: Drogo ‘I have a sword now, by the way. Thought that’d be worth mentioning. It’s really lovely.’ Outgoing Text: Drogo -picture sent- Incoming Text: Drogo ‘What the hell is your life Bilbo?’ Incoming Text: Drogo ‘This is the most ridiculous midlife crisis I have ever seen.’ Outgoing Text: Drogo ‘Well I couldn’t do something boring like get a fancy car I guess.’

Incoming Text: Thing2 ‘heeyyy bilbro!’ Outgoing Text: Thing2 ‘Kili that wasn’t funny the first ten times.’ Incoming Text: Thing2 ‘sure sure so u know elvish right?’ Outgoing Text: Thing2 ‘Where is this going?’

Incoming Text: Thing2 ‘can u tell me how to flirt with the elf chicks?’ Outgoing Text: Thing2 ‘Wow.’ Incoming Text: Thing2 ‘DO NOT TELL UNCLE THORIN’ Outgoing Text: Thing2 ‘Oh goodness no.’ Incoming Text: Thing2 ‘and uv been getting on great with that elf uv been hanging out with!’ Outgoing Text: Thing2 ‘What are you talking about?’ Incoming Text: Thing2 ‘the elf leader or whatever. i think u could do better but hey’ Outgoing Text: Thing2 ‘ELROND. THAT IS ELROND.’ Incoming Text: Thing2 ‘she sounds lovely bilbro :)’ Outgoing Text: Thing2 ‘Elrond isn’t a “she” Kili. And we get along because we both like learning. Also he’s already been married.’ Incoming Text: Thing2 ‘oh no! im sorry, i keep messing that up! :( the elves get so weird about it if u mess it up and they all look the same!’ Incoming Text: Thing2 ‘is that racist?’ Outgoing Text: Thing2 ‘Not as racist as your uncle, but I wouldn’t go saying that to the elves.’

Outgoing Text: Prim ‘I think I just had a bonding moment with Thorin.’ Incoming Text: Prim ‘Is this the hot asshole?’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘Yes. And shut up. We had a talk about fireflies and his home growing up.’ Incoming Text: Prim “oooooOOOOOOooooo’

Outgoing Text: Prim ‘Don’t start.’ Outgoing Text: Prim ‘He seems a little more calm here when he’s not grumbling about the elves. Maybe he’s just an asshole when there’s a lot of life-or-death scenarios going on.’

Incoming Text: Thorin ‘stop fraternizing with the elves’

Outgoing Text: Thorin ‘Excuse me?!’ Incoming Text: Thorin ‘u talk to them 2 much. ur on dwarf business’ Outgoing Text: ASSHOLE ‘Elrond helped us with that map! And I talk to who I want!’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘elronds not as bad as the others’ Incoming Text: ASSHOLE ‘probably bc he’s only half elf’ Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘we’re still not here to make friends’ Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘esp not with elves’ Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘ur not telling the others what we’re doing r u?’

Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘this quest is dwarf business’ Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘even though ur here’ Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘i wont have u babbling what we’re doing and jeopardizing this quest’ Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘just bc u want to trade song lyrics with the pointy ears’ Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘i know u have pointy ears but u know what i meant’ Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘the elves arent friends’ Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘r u getting my texts?’ Outgoing Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘Oh yeah I make sure every elf I run into gets a complete backstory about our quest, who you are, who your parents are, every place I lived, and pictures of us so they can identify us later.’ Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘WHAT’ Outgoing Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘I’m being sarcastic bloody hell. The only thing I’ve been talking about the elves with is songs and poetry. And they’re all very friendly!’ Incoming Text: RACIST ASSHOLE ‘if u like them so much u should just stay here’

Outgoing Text: Prim ‘Nevermind he’s still an asshole.’

PART 2 Or check out the Signal Strength tag for more texts/headcanons/asks!