#millesrivera

[mssarahmillicent]

The Exposed Toxicity

It all started sweet and full of laughter, I thought ‘how lucky am I to meet someone in this unfair world and first and foremost gets the humor that I have?’. The bond that we had was not stressful and we had so many funny stories to share. It made me smile before thinking about the conversations that we told each other until we decided to sleep. After a month, it was more blissful when we decided to take it to another level. We became an item. We shared everything together, our ups and downs, our problems, our past and the challenges we went through until we met each other. The first month was easy since we didn’t fight a lot, only little fights from here and there.

On the second month, we were still in a “love bubble”. We started to talk about serious plans for the future, I thought and got nervous as it was way too early for that kind of thing. You wanted to come with me on my plans to go to another country, you were excited as I am because we already had a vision of what we will be doing in the long run. The third and final month, you started to get busy as the board exams were getting near. You were so nervous that you devoted your time for your review, we barely texted and I understood that. I started to get busy with school works as well so while you were doing your part I was doing mine. Towards the end of the month you took your board exams and you told me countless of times how nervous you were, I tried to calm you and told you the results will be positive and fine.

The outcome was what I predicted, you passed. You were finally an Engineer after eight years of work in school and I couldn’t help but also be happy that we were together when we saw it. We spend the whole afternoon together, we sang, ate and played with a lot of games. But apparently everything comes to an end because two days after we saw each other I found out you lied. You lied about everything. I knew before in my mind that there was something off but I didn’t let it run through as I thought our relationship was still new and we had a lot to know about each other. I couldn’t believe what I saw and the words I read, I thought to myself it was too good to be true. Shocked was an understatement of what I discovered about everything you kept from me. It was at the same time the answers I was looking for about what I observed in our relationship.

I couldn’t help but wonder was everything you showed me a lie? If so, why did you still continue it when you knew for a fact that you were hurting someone. Especially when she loved you and cared about your relationship dearly, it’s a constant question in my mind that has been running for days after the incident. Some parts of me wondered, did I deserved this kind of happening in my life? Why was he given to me anyway? I was livid when I found out about everything and now, days after the incident my mind was finally wrapping the whole situation in my feelings. 

How? 

How can someone do such a thing? 

I thought it was a great relationship but it was a hidden toxic relationship that I’m glad I got out of fast. It was somewhat a blessing in disguise, I figured everything on my own to see the reality and predicted the future outcome. Like what Angelina Jolie said “There’s so much to life than falling inlove.” and I believe her, I really do.

[mssarahmillicent]

Just Knowing It

For the past few days I’ve been thinking alot about the people who has come and go into my life ever since I started College, at first I thought I was a bit foolish that I believed they were my true and loyal friends. After analyzing some scenarios over and over again, I cannot help but feel pity for myself on how naive I was before and how I believed everyone surrounding me so easily. I remembered how I try to changed myself for the people around me just to fit in because some would say I’m ‘kilos mayaman’ and I have high standards for everything, they even go to the extent of smart shaming which in my personal view is low and slapping your own face that you’re pathetic.

I guess it was a trial and error thing until 2016. That year was the most exciting thing that has happened to me since I met alot of people with different personalities, I got to mingle with different groups. At first I was surprised that at some point we all got together in one room and have a great time.

Like all other great things in life finding your TRUE friends takes time and most especially creating a lot of mistakes until finding the right match. The most important thing that all of us should remember before finding your true purpose in life is know your value, when you know what you want and have the courage to seek it everything just flows. Friends, career and love.

[mssarahmillicent]

Breathe In, Breathe Out

This week was full of emotional stress that I never thought I could conquer. It was one of those times you will ask yourself when will you see the rainbow in this situation. It was gloomy with continuous heavy rain until you fell asleep and forget your problem for a second. Because the moment you wake up it will be right back where it was before.

Just when life was becoming normal and everything is running smoothly it will surprise you with another huge storm. It was a breaking point I never thought I would be put it in. I was physically fine but emotionally? It was beyond me. I just couldn’t handle the emotional load since I was praying every night that nothing happens.

August was a handful I must say and I’m hoping September will be less. I’m proud I got to over come the challenges I had last month, I wouldn’t say I did it alone. I’m hoping September will be less tearful than August since it was buttloads! For this month I want to just stay quiet, get everything done one step at a time and not cry myself at night to fall asleep. My emotional battery is low, I wanna rest. Just for a couple of weeks, I wanna say forever but come on I’m not a robot.

I just wanna breathe.

[mssarahmillicent]

Important Value

Patience is one the most important value that a person could ever have. But what happens when it gets tested a lot? I think there’s two choices you could have. First, you could still continue and add more patience. Give them sensible advice while they take one step a time.

And the second thing I thought of is to let go.

Free your hands from the situation and just walk away... Walk away like nothing happened and try not to look back. Also ask yourself.

‘Is this the final answer?’

[mssarahmillicent]

The Big Hit

Sometimes when I’m alone my mind is speaking louder, especially when analysing things around me and playing back some certain scenarios in my head. ‘Wish I could’ve said something’ was always the conclusion and that’s when things start to get messy and crazy emotional, I tend to be distant from the people around me and just fill my guts with anger and frustration. I always have to remind myself that it’s not reality and focus on the now, but of course you wouldn’t listen to your own mind and just let all the negativity in. Trying to pick a fight with the people around you and testing the patience they have and you don’t care how irrational you are for a moment, what a great scenario huh?

Everyone and anyone can be like that and honestly I don’t think anyone has crack the code yet in how to recover from that bullshit. It’s unfair yes, one minute you’re happy then next is when it all crash and explode in your face like a nuclear boom and you don’t know how to pick up the pieces since no one knows how. This is why a lot of people are afraid to be so damn happy because they don’t know when and how will they be in the bottom again and just feel like nothing. It will hit you once everything stabilises and you are content, that’s when it will strike.

Personally, I hate this kind of feeling. It messes everything up, it will haunt you for how many days sometimes weeks or months! I’m frustrated because I wanna know how some people knows how to deal with this, it’s very frustrating and uncomfortable. You just don’t have enough energy to be inspired and be happy, you’re like a robot that functions everyday. How, how do others deal with it?

[mssarahmillicent]

Each Coming Night- Iron & Wine Heal- Tom Odell Young- Vallis Alps Deep- Binocular Real Friends- Kanye West Everything I Can’t Have- Robin Thicke Octahate- Ryn Weaver Sospesa- Malika Ayane Feat. Pacifico Broken Arrow- Pixie Lott Tightrope- Janelle Monáe Feat. Big Boi

[mssarahmillicent]

Miracle

As one of the night owls and those who belong in the category of ‘night thinkers’ I can’t help but wonder will there be a miracle that will happen in my life? I can’t help but wonder those things in my head to this very moment. What kind of miracle? Even I don’t know but one things for sure that if it will happen to me, it will definitely be one of those days that I will truly remember and cherish until my last breathe in this life. I’m not hoping for those impossible miracle and shit but I’m hoping for those surprisingly, modern miracle kind of thing that we all could reach. I know my limit it’s just that there are times that sometimes I think of my dreams and vision and hoping that someday can they be true.

[mssarahmillicent]

Glimpse

Have you ever had a a dream that no matter what you do you can’t seem to forget it? It was as if the dream is so real and you wish it was real either. I have never really remembered all my dreams since I had that one and it was bizarre for me to remember almost half of that dream since our memory isn’t active when we dream. I will just put it here so whenever I forget it I posted here to share with you.

It was one sunny day and I remembered clearly that I was on the passenger seat of a four seater car when I looked into the driver’s seat there was a man. A man in a white shirt and denim pants, at first I was confused why I was with him alone in a car and looked at the road again and I saw a sign that we were going to Legazpi which I don’t know why. I looked at him and he was well built, his skin is moreno, from the looks of it he is definitely taller than me and he was holding my left hand while driving.

In my dream he talked but I don’t remember what he told me but I remembered he had an accent, so I’m guessing he is a half foreigner? As the dream went on I found out why we were going to Legazpi, we were going on a vacation with my Aunt and Uncle who was right in front of the car he was driving using there black car. I remembered He suddenly slowed down and then looked at me but for some reason his face is blurred and I couldn’t remember what he said to my left ear. So I just figured he was whispering sweet nothings still holding my left hand while driving slow on the way to Legazpi.

When I woke up from that dream, my heart was beating very fast like a humming bird heartbeat. I really felt that he loved me for who I am and I equally returned his love and affection as a person should do when they really care about someone. I felt like our relationship was not easy at first but in the end the two of us stayed together and having the time of our lives.

Sometimes I wonder, when will I meet him? I feel like I’m about to meet him but in the end it’s still not that time.  I feel like he’s out there and just meeting other girl and here I am meeting other guys. I guess it’s not our time yet to meet but whoever you are I just want to say ‘Hi!’