Sarah Millicent

I like being curious.

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I keep playing this for the entirety of last week

I don't know

It kinda stings

and a feeling of regret

LOTS OF THEM

Foolish heart indeed

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A Year Older

It was my birthday yesterday and I have mixed emotions about it. I feel like shit and dumbfounded since at my age I should accomplish the things I imagined when I was a kid and where the hell am I in reality? Not. Even. Close.

I know that everything takes time and I've always been a late bloomer ever since when I was a kid but then you see people around you being in the place you thought you would be in also and that creates pressure in your head and question everything along with the evaluation of what is happening around you. You suddenly feel shit and in your head 'What the hell have you accomplished?'

I sometimes blame society for putting pressure to a lot of people and then make irrational decisions because instead of taking the time to really think about it. When I started realizing that I told myself I will be one of those people that will be making a decision because it's my choice and not because I was pressured. That was the one thing I was sure of! That I will be making my own choices in life and I will have to learn how to say 'No' whenever I feel like it.

I think that's also the one advice I can give to my generation, don't be afraid to say 'No' if you are not up for it because the last time I heard everyone deserves to be happy and take the damn time to make a decision especially if it is your life and not someone else.

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Siargao island. A memorable trip I will cherish. i will definitely comeback to this peace of heaven soon.

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A video I quickly put together from our short vacation in Surigao Del Norte.

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Make it Out- Boundary Run

Comata Silva- Moophs Feat. Xela

Electric Feel- MGMT

Malibu Nights- LANY

Superlove- Whethan Feat. Oh Wonder

Where Were You In The Morning?- Shawn Mendes

Kamikaze- MØ

m’Lover- Kishi Bashi

8 Letters- Why Don’t We

Compromised- Tim Atlas

This year has been full of adventures and conquering fears mentally and physically. One more day and everything will be reset again, here’s the top 10 songs I’ve discovered throughout this year!

Hoping everyone will enjoy it as it is a mix of genre’s you could hopefully appreciate.

Happy Holidays!

Love,

The Curios One

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Nobody

Over the past week I was being a bitch to everyone and anyone surrounding me, I know to myself that I was beyond the line and not rational about it. I admit, I was a douchebag. I totally take the blame for everything because it was not an acceptable behaviour, thinking about it now and having to reflect these past few days was eye opening for me. Nobody deserved what I did and for that this post is for you, I will not be posting the names that I had an attitude with but I know to myself that what I did was wrong and complete stupidity.

Sometimes I think I don’t deserve anyone to be my friend or have anyone close to me, I mean let’s be honest I don’t know how to keep one so how the hell can I keep the others too? I’m not saying that I’m a bad person but knowing me I’m also not a good one which is why I think they should keep that distance, they deserve better.

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A Hard Fall

It’s been what — a month? It disappeared just like sand in my hands and went with the wind. I just couldn’t believe that we ended this way, whenever I look back the night I found out everything I still remember the feeling it felt. It wasn’t just a sting, it was like an arrow shot down the balloon that was taking me higher in the clouds and I fell back from where I was. You broke us. I had to realize the hard way how you lied about everything you said and done from the moment we met and what hurts the most is how you didn’t feel the same way about how I felt. Shit.

I know to myself that I took the time to love you and care for you because we were open to each other ever since we met but I was wrong. Very wrong.

At first I thought we could fix it and be back to normal stronger than we were before but then when I got deeper to analyse the situation that we were faced with I knew I had to let go. It wasn’t right anymore actually it wasn’t right from the beginning. I just didn’t knew it and I had to find out. Do you know how disappointed I was when I discovered your lies? A fool. I felt so stupid on how I believed everything about what you told me, I should’ve known but then how could I? I was in cloud nine that I couldn’t deny but eventually I came to my senses and used my head not just my heart.

So that how it felt like.

Being broken too much than before.

I thought I was strong because of the past failed guys before him but I stand corrected and dumbfounded.

I’m tired. I’m tired of staring a blank page waiting for me to write other stuffs other than you and just be me before we met. All I want to be honest right now is peace of mind and let everything go, it was fun and memorable while it lasted.

I’ll miss you, J.

But I know it’s not worth it anymore.

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Maybe it’s life saying I deserve it.

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The Exposed Toxicity

It all started sweet and full of laughter, I thought ‘how lucky am I to meet someone in this unfair world and first and foremost gets the humor that I have?’. The bond that we had was not stressful and we had so many funny stories to share. It made me smile before thinking about the conversations that we told each other until we decided to sleep. After a month, it was more blissful when we decided to take it to another level. We became an item. We shared everything together, our ups and downs, our problems, our past and the challenges we went through until we met each other. The first month was easy since we didn’t fight a lot, only little fights from here and there.

On the second month, we were still in a “love bubble”. We started to talk about serious plans for the future, I thought and got nervous as it was way too early for that kind of thing. You wanted to come with me on my plans to go to another country, you were excited as I am because we already had a vision of what we will be doing in the long run. The third and final month, you started to get busy as the board exams were getting near. You were so nervous that you devoted your time for your review, we barely texted and I understood that. I started to get busy with school works as well so while you were doing your part I was doing mine. Towards the end of the month you took your board exams and you told me countless of times how nervous you were, I tried to calm you and told you the results will be positive and fine.

The outcome was what I predicted, you passed. You were finally an Engineer after eight years of work in school and I couldn’t help but also be happy that we were together when we saw it. We spend the whole afternoon together, we sang, ate and played with a lot of games. But apparently everything comes to an end because two days after we saw each other I found out you lied. You lied about everything. I knew before in my mind that there was something off but I didn’t let it run through as I thought our relationship was still new and we had a lot to know about each other. I couldn’t believe what I saw and the words I read, I thought to myself it was too good to be true. Shocked was an understatement of what I discovered about everything you kept from me. It was at the same time the answers I was looking for about what I observed in our relationship.

I couldn’t help but wonder was everything you showed me a lie? If so, why did you still continue it when you knew for a fact that you were hurting someone. Especially when she loved you and cared about your relationship dearly, it’s a constant question in my mind that has been running for days after the incident. Some parts of me wondered, did I deserved this kind of happening in my life? Why was he given to me anyway? I was livid when I found out about everything and now, days after the incident my mind was finally wrapping the whole situation in my feelings. 

How? 

How can someone do such a thing? 

I thought it was a great relationship but it was a hidden toxic relationship that I’m glad I got out of fast. It was somewhat a blessing in disguise, I figured everything on my own to see the reality and predicted the future outcome. Like what Angelina Jolie said “There’s so much to life than falling inlove.” and I believe her, I really do.

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Breathe In, Breathe Out

This week was full of emotional stress that I never thought I could conquer. It was one of those times you will ask yourself when will you see the rainbow in this situation. It was gloomy with continuous heavy rain until you fell asleep and forget your problem for a second. Because the moment you wake up it will be right back where it was before.

Just when life was becoming normal and everything is running smoothly it will surprise you with another huge storm. It was a breaking point I never thought I would be put it in. I was physically fine but emotionally? It was beyond me. I just couldn’t handle the emotional load since I was praying every night that nothing happens.

August was a handful I must say and I’m hoping September will be less. I’m proud I got to over come the challenges I had last month, I wouldn’t say I did it alone. I’m hoping September will be less tearful than August since it was buttloads! For this month I want to just stay quiet, get everything done one step at a time and not cry myself at night to fall asleep. My emotional battery is low, I wanna rest. Just for a couple of weeks, I wanna say forever but come on I’m not a robot.

I just wanna breathe.

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Important Value

Patience is one the most important value that a person could ever have. But what happens when it gets tested a lot? I think there’s two choices you could have. First, you could still continue and add more patience. Give them sensible advice while they take one step a time.

And the second thing I thought of is to let go.

Free your hands from the situation and just walk away... Walk away like nothing happened and try not to look back. Also ask yourself.

‘Is this the final answer?’

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The Big Hit

Sometimes when I’m alone my mind is speaking louder, especially when analysing things around me and playing back some certain scenarios in my head. ‘Wish I could’ve said something’ was always the conclusion and that’s when things start to get messy and crazy emotional, I tend to be distant from the people around me and just fill my guts with anger and frustration. I always have to remind myself that it’s not reality and focus on the now, but of course you wouldn’t listen to your own mind and just let all the negativity in. Trying to pick a fight with the people around you and testing the patience they have and you don’t care how irrational you are for a moment, what a great scenario huh?

Everyone and anyone can be like that and honestly I don’t think anyone has crack the code yet in how to recover from that bullshit. It’s unfair yes, one minute you’re happy then next is when it all crash and explode in your face like a nuclear boom and you don’t know how to pick up the pieces since no one knows how. This is why a lot of people are afraid to be so damn happy because they don’t know when and how will they be in the bottom again and just feel like nothing. It will hit you once everything stabilises and you are content, that’s when it will strike.

Personally, I hate this kind of feeling. It messes everything up, it will haunt you for how many days sometimes weeks or months! I’m frustrated because I wanna know how some people knows how to deal with this, it’s very frustrating and uncomfortable. You just don’t have enough energy to be inspired and be happy, you’re like a robot that functions everyday. How, how do others deal with it?

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Just Knowing It

For the past few days I’ve been thinking alot about the people who has come and go into my life ever since I started College, at first I thought I was a bit foolish that I believed they were my true and loyal friends. After analyzing some scenarios over and over again, I cannot help but feel pity for myself on how naive I was before and how I believed everyone surrounding me so easily. I remembered how I try to changed myself for the people around me just to fit in because some would say I’m ‘kilos mayaman’ and I have high standards for everything, they even go to the extent of smart shaming which in my personal view is low and slapping your own face that you’re pathetic.

I guess it was a trial and error thing until 2016. That year was the most exciting thing that has happened to me since I met alot of people with different personalities, I got to mingle with different groups. At first I was surprised that at some point we all got together in one room and have a great time.

Like all other great things in life finding your TRUE friends takes time and most especially creating a lot of mistakes until finding the right match. The most important thing that all of us should remember before finding your true purpose in life is know your value, when you know what you want and have the courage to seek it everything just flows. Friends, career and love.

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Dolce Far Niente

The title of this post has been in my mind ever since I watched Julia Roberts’ movie Eat Pray Love and if you haven’t watched it then you better. It’s about a woman who seeks her true calling after being in a nasty divorce and went on to discover things she never thought she could find in this fucked up world and finds friends and love along the way. When I watched the movie awhile back for the first time and encountered that phrase I googled it and found a few articles about it but all they say is how to do this and how to do that, So I decided to write about my own understanding of ‘Dolce Far Niente’.

In my understanding of it’s english translation which means ‘The Sweetness of Doing Nothing’ it’s finding your own little space and enjoy it while being alone. It’s what I imagined it the Italian mindfulness way but others may know this as procrastination and sees it as art. Others say that this kind of practice can guide you later on discovering your true purpose. Which I have done countless of times, it’s okay to do things on your own from time to time and discover things you didn’t knew about because sometimes it leads to somewhere else that you didn’t think was possible for you.

When you come to think of it being alone for just a few hours is frighting and you are aware of people staring at you. So the question is: How did I do it? How did I conquer my fear of being alone in a public place? The truth is when I went to someplace on my own, at first I didn’t stay long in a specific place because I was afraid of people staring and eventually I did that countless of times but then on one of the trips I wanted to eat something because I haven’t eaten all day so without thinking too much I just did it.

It’s kind of silly when you think of it that at first, what were you afraid of? That’s the question that came into my mind when I did it. In the end I laughed at it and just proud that I did it all in my own. Will Smith once said that fear is only in our mind but when you are there just enjoy the view, I have to say that the man is damn right.

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Drift

It’s hard being in a situation that people expects you to react like one of those cliché sappy romantic movies when they see you with someone they like for you. So what about my view? Don’t I get a say in it? I mean it’s my love life after all. I keep my mouth shut and don’t say a thing because you know what they say ‘be quiet when you don’t have anything good to say’ but I just can’t really keep it anymore that I need to release the feeling and believe me it’s not one of those good feeling of sort. It’s pissing me off to be honest, I don’t like people pushing me to those things that they like for me. It’s uncomfortable and annoying.

If I like someone and I mean the boyfriend kind of level that I see and so does the opposite sex you wouldn’t know about it in the first few months because I’m the type of person that keeps her shits lowkey. And not just lowkey like really deep in the ocean to the point it’s already in the dark and cold lowkey. I’m a very private person especially when I’m involved with someone, I don’t post things on social media like one of those couples or people who has someone in there life. It’s not my thing. Posting occasionally I’ll do that but not everyday since people on the internet doesn’t really care about my love life.

It’s a bit frustrating that for now I can’t really do anything about it but I’m finding ways to not let it happen in the future and eventually stating my message crystal clear that I don’t want it. Not now. Knowing that they are speaking about it in front of me and stating it in front of my face is a bit surprising that I tend to be caught off guard and react late. It’s pissing me off and it’s not funny anymore. I know I’ll be the douche (again) in this situation but I’d rather take that role any day than being a bitch who takes advantage of people to gain something. That’s not how I role in life so you better catch my drift.

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