Nov 17, 2017
An oddly satisfying number. Thank you to all for your support and love. I’ve been a bit busy with life and forever-ELP, but I’d like to take this time to issue a heart-felt ‘thank you’. Cheers!
seen from China
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seen from India
seen from United States
seen from Brazil
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seen from United States
seen from Canada
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from India
seen from Germany
seen from Australia
seen from United States
seen from China
seen from Indonesia
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Canada
An oddly satisfying number. Thank you to all for your support and love. I’ve been a bit busy with life and forever-ELP, but I’d like to take this time to issue a heart-felt ‘thank you’. Cheers!
Part of Friday’s haul. Record collection is now up to 48. Not pictured, Jeff Beck - Truth, and Phenomena’s first album. Tale of Beren and Luthien, and Letters from Father Christmas. And Mu enjoying Black Moon.
... another one of these...but, as I have said, all negativity will be behind a cut. As usual, as a general guideline...disregard.
So what is it this time? Same old, same old. I marvel at my friends’ ability to keep up with dealing with me for this many years, with the same damn thing every month. It’s gotten to that point where it literally is the same thing and I know all I could really do is wait for it to pass...and thus hard to make it through. tw: er, mental health things, suicide mention, um...alcohol? More or less It’s the desperation, the utter insanity of it, the horrid crushing pain that won’t go away - if it’s not the negative thoughts, it’s just a constant...pressure, void, eating up everything. I think I prefer the negative thoughts - at least those I can debate with, reason with. Depression hits me mostly physically, and the pain is awful, and almost nothing I do can make it stop, it taints things I love, drains the joy from them, and if it is powerful enough to lean on, there will come a day, sometimes days, sometimes months, when it will become too painful to think of, the feeling of depression thoroughly ingrained with it. I’ve ruined too many songs this way, and I shudder to think of it happening to my beloved ELP. It was so odd, though the side-effects were pretty bad at first, to actually be relieved of that pain. Anti-depressants. They work. Sort of. When I said every month, I meant ‘every month’ - PMS, horrid horrid depressive crash. Every single point where I’ve been suicidal enough to plan it, has been during one of those times. It just barges in, with the dreadful knowledge that it will be gone in a few days, but those few days are of constant terror and pain. Psychiatrist raised an eyebrow at that. I guess it’s not supposed to happen when I’m already on 200mg of sertraline. Where it used to be fairly to quite depressed, into downright suicidal, it is now more or less completely fine into sudden physically very depressed. I guess the contrast makes the latter worse to bear and the former more tiresome. (Does it feel better to write it out? I dunno, at least it’s keeping me busy...)
It is also dreadfully awful to know that there is one thing that helps, and that is alcohol - have a bit to dull the feeling, and sleep a few hours off these nightmarish days. I dare not, though it’s tempting. That voice...I don’t know what’s real or not...is it a growing addiction or just trying to take care of myself. Why do you insist on feeling awful, look you can hardly keep it together - soon people will notice, and there’d be awkward questions to which you have to force a smile. Just have a bit to drink, not much, just a mouthful, just to dull it to a more manageable level. I guess I’ll try to sleep without it.
Well, I made it through one more night. Today might be worse though...the void has frozen over, it’s cold, it radiates chill...I guess like I got skewered with Aeglos or something. It won’t stop...no matter how many blankets, no matter if I’m already sweating. This usually doesn’t last more than two days though. This is generally the low point and negativity stems from not wanting to trouble people with this, that it’s bad enough that I feel it...shouldn’t bring it to others. It gets too much sometimes, being told it does not exist, the ‘have you tried...?’, just so tired...rest, some rest, any rest...(death? that’s where it usually creeps in), then pretending absolutely nothing is the matter. Interactions are especially draining...this time especially. A few sentences exchanged can knock me out for the rest of the day (feels like being really sleep deprived...), and pushing on only results in a blinding headache that does not go away with painkillers.
Yes, I have brought these up with health professionals, no, they haven’t resolved it...(hmm....that’s unusual, never heard of it, is a common response), hopefully though. Yes, I had things checked, bloodworks, heart conditions...nothing, aside from being slightly anemic. I try to not give myself a hard time for barely being functional at this time...but, it’s hard, hard when there are expectations, duties, and mother’s scornful words at wanting to fall back into bed after, say, cooking breakfast for the house. Of course, mentioning that I am currently ick, yeah, it gets denied...with a more rigorous attempt at getting me up and about.
Why am I writing this? I dunno...it’s draining, so very draining...maybe it’d be enough for me to fall back asleep...yeah, sleep sounds good... - 8:09am
No more straying out of my anti-insomnia playlist....
Sleeping with earbuds in isn’t the most optimal, but at least I can sleep and it keeps nightmares/night time panic attacks low. After getting up early morning to feed Mu, tired, can’t sleep, weird mood...I foolishly put everything on shuffle. Weird dream, weird soundtrack okay, but I still managed, until weird dream sequence. So I ended up at an Iron Maiden concert, okay...they were playing something I didn’t recognize....sure? I latched on to the word edge and assumed Man on the Edge (even though it sounds nothing like it). So I checked, in-dream, what it was...dream told me it was a single, with Tarkus as a b-side, and added that during Bruce’s solo years, he and Adrian recorded it first, while dating the single to ‘84. I was confused awake. I want to hear Maiden cover Tarkus... :( The song? The Enchanted Tower - Blitzkrieg (It’s good - quite good) I am now in a major NWoBHM mood. and then Where are You Now came on and I'm sad and thinking of Gary...
Well I'd like to make a proper review, but my laptop is suffering from a case of the Sibling strain of Tea-damage-itis.
Till I get a replacement and therefore able to transfer out everything I didn't backup I won't chance it fully dying on me. In the mean time, well, my thumbs are sore from the frantic crocheting - finished just as Deep Purple started their set. Combined with mobile access only, activity will be very limited...
You are made of stardust and galaxies and I love you. Send this to 10 of your favorite people on this website 💖
This thing, I’ve gotten a couple now. I dunno the convention for replying these things, whether they should be more private or it’s okay to reply publicly... I’m a bit lost for words...a few months ago I could never imagine it possible, where the prospect of the tiniest online interaction, or phone call would send me into a full panic attack. It started out that way. Throw a post or something out, work up the courage to press post, and hide, trembling... But it had been okay, and I got a bit more curious...and slowly, it...has done wonders for my mental health. Hands down the greatest leap in confidence in the shortest amount of time. Of course, these things go up and down, but there’s been more neutral or up compared to before (not that it’s hard to do...), and also days where I’ve pushed too far and sleep at 7pm, or detach for a few days to recharge (and sorry for content which I keep putting off...). But I thank everyone, from the bottom of my heart. I um...can’t exactly express emotions, they kinda get stuck, and I’m not entirely sure what I feel, except EmotionThing . But I really do mean it, and ‘m sorry I lack any sort of way to eloquently phrase that.
To do List:
A bunch of things I’ve been meaning to write Read more of Bob Daisley’s book Convert to gif the shiny Gregs I’ve already clipped. Gif Cozy Powell’s Hammer, NaNaNa both versions - the colour and the black and white. Gif more Rainbow at Donington 81 Make more gifs of Asia Get around to queuing things and reblogging because I haven’t been on much *Serious* things in life BUT AHHHHH!!!!!! GOING THROUGH SOME OF THE BOOTS I FINISHED DOWNLOADING AND AHHHH!!!! GRAHAM BONNET JUST WENT AND RUFFLED DON’S HAIR! AHHHH!!!!! *MELT* (and the keyboard intro after.... x_x)
A whole day of hunting and all I have to show is a bunch of unrelated stuff. Then I saw that Deep Purple is out touring...and they are coming to Toronto...and there may be a chance of it being the last tour...and....GAH. Then I remembered King Crimson is playing at Massey Hall as well. Crud. Tickets are cheaper too. But I’m seeing Iron Maiden in July. (DAE vanish for days and days just submerged in *interest* and literally forget everything else in life? including food...including sleep. Should feel bad but too giddy to care.)