#bah! post

[march-for-no-reason]

Waiting for a long post to upload, unsure if it will crash at the last possible moment after you’ve been waiting for 10 minutes. 

[march-for-no-reason]

DID YOU KNOW: you are the one and only don airey popular blog. there was none before. he proud of you

Yeah, this. There is something wrong with this picture. And I am not talking about the Greg Lake that snuck his way in. One of the biggest names in the industry, and....(no, hand, stop, don’t rant). UNACCEPTABLE. I feel the need to compensate for the lack of representation here. Gah. 

[march-for-no-reason]

@walkingthestrangeside you're the last to see this. The present monsters are getting out of hand...I think I startled Jacob. Contains: Yessongs, Deep Purple - In Rock, a couple of select pokemon cards. For someone who is a Queen fanatic and listens to everything between 50s music, Funk, Disco, 80s pop, Floyd (but not early), Supertramp, and a few odd prog stuff here and there (Jethro Tull comes to mind). Any recs for gateway prog? I am dragging him into the prog sinkhole of no return :D

[march-for-no-reason]

Well I'd like to make a proper review, but my laptop is suffering from a case of the Sibling strain of Tea-damage-itis.

Till I get a replacement and therefore able to transfer out everything I didn't backup I won't chance it fully dying on me. In the mean time, well, my thumbs are sore from the frantic crocheting - finished just as Deep Purple started their set. Combined with mobile access only, activity will be very limited...

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I hate waiting rooms... 4th damn one today, and it's only 10am. Wheee...I'm gonna die! The previous ones wound me up too much. Already hard to breath. The tremors are already here. Fuck.

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.

No, you are not being difficult...but your mind is. [yes you totally are] The plus side, it’s helping, for now. It’s reached that point again where therapist and I clash, and they cannot give me a sufficient reason to concede anything further.  They always say that I’m overthinking, using too much jargon...Why is it so structured? Why big words? Could you simplify it? Yes. Okay.  Okay, it’s clear but...can you just state it as is, how you feel, and not...so technical.  Er. No. That’s as much as I can boil down. I don’t know what you want, this is how I’ve always been. Is it that odd to have structured thought if you want it to come out of your mouth? It’s either non-communicable abstract half-thoughts, or translated into coherent sentences. There is no in-between. Is it such a crime to be actually...think in an orderly fashion?  It’s difficult, (yeah I know) and she concedes that this has helped me so much over the years, but ‘could you say what you think, without the rationalization’. Um. No.  She pressed me, it came out, even more ‘technical’ as she claimed. Tried to stop me part way because I was thinking it too much again, allegedly. I interrupted and just talked. I asked her what part is unclear, if she had clarification questions. No, I was quite thorough and clear, concise this time. The unspoken part lingers heavily - that’s not how ‘normal’ people speak. She keeps trying to tell me to not worry about being ‘normal’, but keeps telling me to speak in a ‘normal’ fashion. Squeezing those half-thoughts into words. That was painful. Shaking, crying, and difficult to breath. She tells me to make eye contact. I can’t, I know I’ll break down if I do, it was already a chore to control it. I can do it sometimes, far more difficult under stress, why is this such a...mandatory part of communication. I’m not mumbling, I’m not incoherent. Just overwhelmed. Your method of thinking is distressing you, look, you, it hinders communication, you can’t breath....Yeah, I don’t think it’s the thought process. But it could be?  ... I’m not anti-recovery, I hate the stress and distress it brings me. It’s the frustration of being quite clear - yeah, over-explaining some times, but still not understood. What more do you want from me? Clarifications? Questions? Nope, I understand but I don’t comprehend. SO WHY IS IT SO WRONG WHEN I DO IT? I’m not comparing myself to some standard of normal, I’m not looking at other people and feeling inadequate compared to them, the background processes are tiring. That’s it. I can’t just shut them off.  Have you tried to? (Yes.) Try interacting without all that, it would be so much easier. (Duh.)  Yeah, I can’t function. I become mute, I get rooted to the spot, I short circuit. Try to...not?  Please elaborate. Grounding, mindfulness?  Yeah. No. That doesn’t help with the urgency of the task at hand, nor does it resolve the issue. I’m just stuck. Syntax error. BSOD. More information required. Nothing much, just, clear, literal instructions.  I had to write out an entire page deciphering ‘You didn’t try [hard enough] to help [at doing task] [well], in a way that my sister understands. The youngest was upset, screaming at her. Amy was in the middle of helping, and then went to pick up the phone, dealt with it quickly, and came back, by then I stepped in and finished the task. She got hung up on the ‘try’ and ‘hard enough’ because she did, and it’s not as if the phone call was expected nor should be just ignored. I had to explain, after much thought myself, that our sister was just upset at the gross wad of shower drain hair, that she was left alone with it for less than a minute. People regularly flip between saying what they mean and saying, but meaning the opposite or something completely different from what they say, and they think we’re weird for not being mind-readers.   Bonus: You keep telling me how uncomfortable you are at (x,y,z), and how they affect you after, and how upset you can be...but you’re still doing it. YES. I’VE BEEN SAYING THIS FROM THE START - I can if push comes to shove, it’s really unpleasant, I can hide it really well, which is mistaken for ‘improvement’, and keep it up, I just crash... But you are doing okay. Yeah, not really... You look to be doing better. ‘Appears to be...yeah’ It’s like making someone with a physical disability perform a strenuous task. Can they do it? Perhaps, but it can be painful, taxing and cause pain for days or weeks after the task. Except I should - simultaneously not brush it under the carpet, be okay with expressing it, but don’t . you are trying to get better, you work towards not being like this, being this way is not normal. You set boundaries through trial and error? You don’t want to push yourself to the point of a meltdown? It’s hindering your communication!  I’m trying to work out a safe way of gaining some ways of appearing to function normal. I’m being told - don’t need to try to appear normal, but oh btw, all those things, yeah, don’t do them. Do make eye contact, do not make distressed noises, do not shake... Things too much, you need to set boundaries. Oh, you say this is too far into your discomfort zone? You’re closing yourself off. I got told that ‘High-functioning’ is a mild form of autism the other day, by someone from the mental health vocational services. The unspoken ‘you can appear to function, therefore you don’t actually have a threshold and can just choose to...function. What do you mean you can’t keep it up? You’re doing fine (no, I’m not, but give me space, happy things, music, don’t push me, and I might be).  Enough of that. 

[march-for-no-reason]

So I knew I had very obsessive phases on a) Megadeth, b)Iron Maiden c)Gary Moore(...ugh, has it really been almost a decade since the start of it...O_o), during which I saved tons and tons of photos. I thought about digging them up to post a couple...well, I couldn’t find them. Then I remembered. Oh. Why did I think that was a good idea...(to hide them on the computer that had been the family computer).  I have nearly 10gigs of photos tucked away into Word documents of hundreds of pages. -_-  Yeah. Copy/pasted and saved into a Word document. But hey, some are definitely rarer finds these days! 

[march-for-no-reason]

A whole day of hunting and all I have to show is a bunch of unrelated stuff. Then I saw that Deep Purple is out touring...and they are coming to Toronto...and there may be a chance of it being the last tour...and....GAH. Then I remembered King Crimson is playing at Massey Hall as well. Crud. Tickets are cheaper too.  But I’m seeing Iron Maiden in July.  (DAE vanish for days and days just submerged in *interest* and literally forget everything else in life? including food...including sleep. Should feel bad but too giddy to care.)