one of the hardest people to forgive is ourselves especially when we knew that the things we did (or didn't do) will make us regret later
months before my father died, i was thinking of wanting to have a better relationship with him. We aren't close. We barely talk. I feel uncomfortable around him and my anxiety is always trigger with him around or even just by the sound of his voice. I love him though. More than any man i could love.
He's sick, i knew it. Having a dialysis means just extending his life. I want to spend more time with him, talk more to him or even just have a selfie. We don't have a picture together (just the 2 of us). The last decent photo we have is maybe when I was in elementary? I can't even remember.
Months before he died, I was thinking how I'll regret everything if I didn't make a move.
I keep thinking, next time. I'll do it next time. I just needed more time.
but life doesn't work that way.
Did I regret it? Fckng yes.
There was never a day that I can't think what if I do something? What if i said these and that? What if I told him I love him?
My father died in my arms. In his last breathe, I am holding him and I didn't even told him how grateful I am for him and how much I love him
I just keep on telling him to fight (selfish as it may sound) because I am the one who's not ready. I am the one who can't let go.
He close his eyes. I kinda knew it, but there's this small hope for me still; that he'll wake up when we reached the hospital and that he'll be better and things that made me want to brush of the idea that it would be the last time I can see that face again, but no.
Life happens. The certainty of life, death.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to burst out everything. I can literally feel my chest aching. I wanted to shout. I wanted to stop everything. I wanted the world to know how much I am hurting.
Another 'life doesn't work that way sweetie'
I composed myself, for my mother who's crying real hard. She just lost the love of her life.
For my siblings, who needs an older sister to rely on
For my older brother, who's going to celebrate his birthday while doing things to arrange my father's funeral
The world doesn't stop just because you're hurting
You need to get up and face that reality even if you're breaking inside, even if you can't even see the reason to go on.
Regrets? There was never a day that I will never think about it.
but you shouldn't get stuck.
You can never moved on if you will keep on putting yourself in the what if.
You can never moved on if you keep on putting yourself in the moment that happened already.
Forgive yourself. For the things you didn't do.
Harder than it may seem. I know.
but it's the only way to move forward
Take the lesson and learn from it so you can never make the same mistakes again.
Sometimes it's better to think that you really need to make some mistakes so you can be wiser
I may be writing something that'll make you think it was not that easy.
I am writing this not because I moved on after a week because I forgive myself, I am writing this years after those sleepless nights. I am writing this after so many days that I asked myself 'what if'. I am writing this after so many days that I am stuck on that moment wishing I did something. After so many days of hurting and not wishing to wake up.
I am writing this as someone who didn't think it was possible, but eventually made it
