he hasn’t been able to breathe for three days. he is so heavy with the pending reality of a life without spencer, so crushed beneath the weight of all of the regrets, all of the things he didn’t do with him, didn’t say to him-- did say to him that he shouldn’t have. he can’t stop thinking about the days he would stay, and watch spencer wake up and smile at him, still sleepy. he can’t stop thinking of a life without that, where spencer never wakes up and jihoon can never sit and watch him breathe.
he can for now, though. stable, the doctors said, surgery finished, the faithful rise and fall of spencer’s chest even while he’s full of tubes. jihoon is painfully aware of the fact that this could change at any moment. the steady sound of ticking vitals could turn desperate, nurses could rush in and wheel him away the same way they wheeled him into the ambulance, whisked away, leaving jihoon behind in excruciating uncertainty. jihoon thought loving spencer was life or death before. strength and weakness, control and chaos, safety or danger, but this is a new tightrope jihoon, deep down, always knew they would walk, but was still never prepared for. even know, he can’t quite forgive himself for not being ready for the inevitable pending death of myeongcho to hurtle toward them at full speed.
he doesn’t think he’ll ever be ready for a life without spencer, and it’s a fact that terrifies him-- one he tried to guard himself against, yet he regrets that now. he regrets loving him enough to so desperately depend on his survival, yet regrets not loving him harder, wholeheartedly, from the very beginning.
he doesn’t remember the last time he properly slept, only remembers plowing on through life, working through preemptive grief and fear, filling in the gaps spencer left in the crow’s nest, at the hospital anytime he wasn’t, perfecting the art of sleeping in hospital room chairs and on waiting room sofas, always waiting, waiting for the news, wanting to be the first to know, because spencer’s life or death will be his responsibility. (because he loves him.)
stable. it’s all that really matters now, that comforting beep of his vital signs, and it’s what he focuses on to drive out the fear that they will be stuck like this forever: some kind of coma, jihoon by a hospital bed, jihoon sitting with spencer’s parents, never free of the guilt that he could not protect their son.
he scoots his chair across the floor, closer, and leans forward, gingerly resting his head on spencer, ear against his chest. his heartbeat is better. jihoon’s eyes flutter closed, and he listens to the way it still pounds, a reminder that spencer is still here-- still alive, still fighting, as he knows spencer will. like this, jihoon feels stable too.
it’s late. the restaurant is mostly quiet, just a few tables with a few guests still picking away at their plates. even most of the staff is gone by this time of night, just enough left to serve any last minute customers and clean up when closing officially rolls around. jaein’s only been here a handful of days, and while he’s experienced in waiting tables, the culture in this restaurant is like night and day compared to his former employer.
the group of men he just sat with menus dropped a gun on their table. a real gun, not one of those kids toys with the orange caps on them for safety. jaein is no expert, he’s never seen one unless it was on tv, but he’d take a safe bet to say it was loaded too.
“like.. that’s dangerous. and illegal, i think.” they certainly don’t look like military or police, that’s for certain. jaein whispers urgently to spencer, keeping his voice low to not offend anyone or be overheard. the other boy has been working here for much longer. this isn’t typical, is it? how do they handle this?
he can’t hide his apprehension. it’s not outright fear; no one’s made any threats or sudden movements, any indication that they might cause trouble for the staff or anyone else here. jaein has never been much of a liar. he was caught in every fib as a child until he just gave up entirely on trying to get away with anything, and his biggest fear now really comes down to worrying that they might sense his fright. he’s heard that men with guns like to feel big; what better way to do that than to intimidate someone small, an easy target like himself? not that jaein wants to quit or go home or anything, but he doesn’t know how to handle this.
“what’s our policy?” he sends a troubled glance over at the table in question, then back at spencer. this is one job that seems like it would be very bad to screw up.
✧ I CAN ONLY WONDER WHY I CAN’T SEE IN COLOR WITHOUT YOU ; ( spotify )( youtube )
MAYBE YOU COULD KISS ME, BUT YOU’LL KILL ME YOU LIGHT UP THE DARK IN ME
bury a friend - billie eilish
talk fast - 5 seconds of summer
death of me - pvris
kiss me kill me - la bouquet
sucker - gndr
criminal - grey
my strange addiction - billie eilish
fall - palisades
follow you - bring me the horizon
take - nekokat
fire alarm - castlecomer
bad romance - halestorm
teeth - 5 seconds of summer
savage - lights
trigger - major lazer
new rules - kream remix
i love you - billie eilish
morphine - lights
my my my! - troye sivan
collar full - panic! at the disco
paper rings - taylor swift
through glass - hands like houses
too good (acoustic) - breathe carolina
“what does this mean to you? what we’re doing?”
“it’s, y’know…” he stalls briefly, deliberately, a light pause and a crooked smile and hands in jihoon’s shirt, casual, as if jihoon might finish the sentence for him. but he knows he won’t, and the pit widens beneath him and, still, he is blind, “i kinda love it.”
his grip on jihoon’s wrist loosens, smile returning, but this time with a light chuckle and a tinge of melancholy behind it, “we should’ve gone to disneyland.”
“i love it too,” he says, and it’s not just because he does. none of this is about truth. it’s about the pain. hurting him isn’t enough. he needs to twist the knife of it; he needs to gut him, and he digs the knife in, slow, straight through him as he breaks the silence. “but i don’t love you.”
“spencer,” he says, firm, forcing the fear out of his voice. “if you survive this, i’ll go anywhere you want with you.” he wants to go to disneyland. he wants to go there and every mundane place on the planet with him. he wants to follow spencer to the end of this earth, into every possible world, everywhere they do and don’t belong.
jihoon knows his feelings. unfortunately, he knows, no matter how easily he can choke them back, and how easily he can pretend otherwise. he doesn’t question how long they’ve been there-- only how to get rid of them, and how they can exist. he doesn’t have the heart for this; he never had much of one at all, string of relationships hand in hand with manipulation, looking into eyes full of tears remorselessly, ruthlessly. hearts meant nothing to him, theirs or his own, broken and repressed, all in the pursuit of fun and power. spencer brought him both. they were on track for the usual: jihoon’s self-indulgence, using him until he sucked him dry, casting aside when he grew bored or something better came along-- a constantly looming inevitability that jihoon regarded guiltlessly. he told spencer such. he got his warning.
jihoon knows his feelings, but he is an expert in pretending. maybe he can blame bomin in the end, for upending his world and tearing through all of jihoon’s pretense in his departure. he can blame that hole in his guarded and ignored heart, so supposedly immune to breakage, and the natural inclination to fill it. jihoon leaves nothing in his life empty, and in the end, it was just a different way to use spencer. cling to him, substitute him for bomin, mend anything missing. it meant nothing.
but spencer is all sunshine, that strange, fascinating combination of harmless and thrilling, and he never brought the boredom jihoon so anticipated. he brought adventure and a new kind of danger-- challenged jihoon’s control, but always bent, some unfathomable combination of unpredictable and safe all at once. they were like walking a tightrope, always toeing some line, spencer keeping him there in his unnatural, impervious realm of balance and brilliance. spencer is always there, lurking in jihoon’s thoughts, coloring his world of black and white in pastels slowly saturating. spencer is something so warm and loved, and jihoon feels it all in his chest.
he blamed bomin for the shedding of his shell-- all of his peeled back skin and exposed nerves, even his heart uncovered in all of his weakness, but he realized the real problem is spencer. spencer made him soft and weak and jihoon hated it, and he knows: he loves spencer, and he can’t stand it.
so he went to taehyung to forget-- a reliable formula. jihoon plus taehyung equals disaster-- strategized heartbreak, and that was exactly what jihoon was in the market for. yet even in that, he failed, so unlike himself, so sickeningly debilitated and...devoted, clarifying the depth of trouble jihoon was in, and he needed to bail himself out quickly. he needs to get out, because jihoon still can’t do love.
all along, he’s been fighting the war between protecting spencer and destroying him anyway, and now, the choice is so easy. in the end, maybe he’s still just giving into an old, unsatisfied desire.
when he steps into spencer’s apartment, it’s after a day of not seeing each other, work schedules intentionally not overlapping as much as they once did. he takes his shoes off at the door, just like he has countless times before, and he knows exactly what to do (but it aches. he feels it in his chest.)
spencer greets him at the door, and jihoon kisses him, so carelessly, so easily, a routine he must convince himself he tired of after six months. “hey, spencer,” he says when he pulls away, only to lean in to kiss him again, lightly, so different than the first time. after, he lets his eyes trail over his face-- familiar lips, the curve of his nose, the sharpness of his jaw, freckles speckling his cheeks. (how does he convince himself he could ever tire of that?)
when jihoon’s eyes meet spencer’s, his gaze is probing. “what does this mean to you? what we’re doing?” he asked him once before, not long before the beginning of their freefall-- jihoon offering spencer that chance to pull the cord on his parachute. spencer refused, and he’ll suffer for it now.
it plays in the back of his head: if i was being selfish, i could do this forever. it turns out he’s still selfish; he just can’t do it at all.
saving jisu was ultimately easy. there were two options: he was already dead or jihoon was bringing him home alive. there was no jihoon finding him and being just barely too late-- no missing the shot, no real failure, or at least that’s what jihoon tells himself. that’s what jihoon told himself despite the exhaustion that overtook him as soon he stepped into spencer’s apartment again afterwards, eyes peeled in desperation to make sure his friend(?) was still here and didn’t go out looking for him. first, however, spencer’s cat met him at the door, some kind of accusation in her eyes, and jihoon managed a half-hearted but amused smile. “don’t tell him,” he whispered to her, and she meowed, clearly desperate to be fed. “not now! just. wait.” and he stepped further into the apartment.
there spencer was, still in bed, fast asleep, and jihoon could finally breathe, like the first real air in his lungs all morning, with no idea he was holding his breath prior. it was just as easy to slip back into bed with him and pretend nothing happened-- easier. when spencer stirred, jihoon paused, watching him, silently urging him not to wake up yet, because he didn’t want to talk about it yet. he didn’t, only snuggled up to him, and jihoon smiled, deep and wholehearted relief. uncharacteristically, he put his arm around him, reminding himself that this could’ve gone so differently. it could’ve been spencer he needed to save instead. like this, however, it was easy to let other worries and other people to protect drift away, too. those closest to him were safe, at least for now, so he fell asleep quickly, too.
waking up is harder. it’s with a jolt, like his previous relaxation was just a hoax, another of many facades, this time one jihoon even convinced himself of. he sits straight up, confused for a moment, thoughts muddled until reality settles back in, and he remembers everything. he looks at the clock first to gauge how many hours he’s slept, and ultimately decides he should’ve been more vigilant. it’s only then that he truly realizes the bed is empty, his tiny part of the universe severely lacking spencer, and his heart plummets.
spencer wouldn’t leave him, would he? not today. the crow’s nest is closed and it’s too dangerous outside; even a dumbass like him would know that. jihoon tries to rationalize, and yet that panic does not go away. he hears a voice in the distance and that eases some of his tension, because he recognizes it as spencer’s, even this far away. it still leaves him shaken and unsettled. waking up in spencer’s bed without him is an unfamiliar experience-- perhaps one he hasn’t experienced at all, and he doesn’t want to make this a habit.
he’s still tired-- not physically anymore, but a bones-deep tired, like all of his lack of sleep is catching up to him now even though it should be the other way around. emotional exhaustion, mental exhaustion, preemptive exhaustion over how hard the gangs will make him work to protect his own in the coming days or weeks or months, and the promise of a guard he can never let down like this again. it’s for this reason that he stays, sitting up, eyes dazed, staring forlornly down spencer’s hallway instead of getting up to find him himself.
who are your top three favorite people? top three least favorite people?
✧ ┊ honesty hour ┅┅┅┅ catching up on ancient memes ( mentioned: @miseoah @mixspencer @mibomin @babyxmi @mihyunjin )
jihoon isn’t really one to play favorites– at least this is what he claims. he’s supposed to be honest, so he knows it isn’t really true. he just knows so many people; sorting them is difficult, and yet names emerge anyway, but somehow, those are difficult to accept too. “do i have to rank them in order?” he asks. it would be an extra challenge, and jihoon never shies away from those. “i can do it in order.”
but can he? most of his top three is hard to admit– things he’d rather change his heart on or not talk about, lest of all honestly. the favorites will be much harder than the least, likely because some of his favorite people have so shaken him up lately– one in particular. one in particular would’ve previously earned the top place without contest, and he would’ve talked about him happily: bomin. now, however, bomin isn’t here; bomin is in hawaii, the place he ran away to, only telling jihoon in the day he was catching his plane. jihoon doesn’t know if he’ll ever come to terms with it, or ever be able to forgive him– both for leaving him after all the life they spent together, and for not thinking he deserved to know and prepare himself for the way his entire world would change.
he can’t say bomin is first anymore.
“seoah,” he says, and he grins, and this is sincere. she’s an easy choice– but is she an honest one? he thinks so. she’s close at the very least, so she’s the one he says. “seoah is like a good older sister. maybe other people may not think she’s good, because she’s not a conventional older sister, but i’m not a conventional guy,” he smiles again, teasingly this time. “she takes care of me in her own way– in a way that knows i don’t really need to be taken care of, but she just…offers support, always good conversation, and doesn’t treat me like a child like some of the staff that have watched me grow into my role do. she’s tough and she’s funny and she’s capable in everything she does,” his admiration and gratitude to her is clear, even when he doesn’t say it outright. “plus, she’s useful.” that medical background does always come in handy.
second is easy too, and easier to talk about than he wants him to be. jihoon stares off, thoughtful, lips quirking up in an involuntary smile. “spencer is second,” and he could probably be first, if he didn’t still want to take the easy way out– if he wanted to still deny his fondness for him, which he clearly still does. “spencer is– i don’t know,” he bursts out into a laugh. “he’s loud, and annoying, and playful and bold and funny, i guess, at all of the wrong times, intentionally. he really gets on my nerves but…” he trails off, suddenly troubled, but exaggeratedly so– a little staged. “i kind of like it,” and he grins.
“the way spencer cares about me is different. it might be different than the way anyone has ever cared about me. nobody has seen what he’s seen of me and been even more drawn to me. he’s fucked up,” another laugh, and he almost groans. “but i like that too. i like how he looks at me, and being his…gravitational pull.” he doesn’t know if it’s an appropriate analogy, but it’s what it feels like. he knows this isn’t about spencer anymore, but about jihoon, and what spencer gives him, but he also knows that’s why spencer is his second favorite person. he hums, trying to think of what else to say– where this favoritism stems from, but some things he just can’t explain. “he’s soft with me when i let him be, and affectionate too, and he’s so willing to just…do what i want, even if he pretends he’s not. he’s warm, and he has such an unarguably good heart, and it’s not that i’ve never had that, really, it’s just that i’ve never had that where i have spencer.” he might be able to keep talking about him, but he doesn’t want to. this is more than enough, and more than he thought he’d ever admit. “i…love all of that about him.”
that was unsettling enough; now he has to go onto the third favorite, which is the hardest choice, and the hardest admission. it’s the saddest too: this fall from grace, this hole in his heart. “third is bomin,” he says, and his hands ball up into fists. “he was…is…? was…my best friend. i was always afraid this would happen, but we always assured each other that it wouldn’t, and i still can’t really believe it did. i’m so mad at him.” he doesn’t know what to do without him. his vision starts to blur, and maybe it’s rage, or betrayal, or heartbreak, or all of it. “i’ll never forgive him,” it’s not fitting for a third favorite person, but maybe jihoon will never forgive him for how much he still cares about him, either. “i don’t know how he can still make it on this list,” and he rubs at his eyes. “but we’ve been through so much. i owe him so much. he knew me better than anyone, and supported me for so long, no matter what i did, even when i treated him like shit, and–” he chokes on his words and shakes his head. “i really miss him, but i hate that i do.”
he wishes he said his least favorite people first. he squeezes his eyes shut, trying to will away this emotion– these tears. he doesn’t know how to keep talking after this.
“my least favorite people,” he begins with a deep breath, reminding himself of the task at hand. “jisu is the worst,” and he’s the easy way out too. it’s easier to put him in first than think he might be any lower, but it is hard to think of anyone else to surpass him. “jisu ruined my life,” he says simply. it’s an exaggeration now, but his life is different. he’s had to make space, and make adjustments he never wanted to. “he changed it for the worse. everyone around me thinks he’s so cute, and are so glad he’s with us, blah blah blah, they love giving him attention and oh boy, does he love getting it.” they are brothers, after all. “jisu is a whiny ungrateful brat, and every time i look at him he’s crying or throwing a fit. my parents love him and are so happy he found us again but he’s weak and isn’t going to survive here.” he can’t think about jisu without thinking about execution day, and that gun held up to his head, and jihoon arriving just in time. he can’t help but think about jisu cowering, and how he comforted him, and as much as it supports his claim, it also invalidates everything he’s said, because he knows he would do the same again. he knows, that as much as he wishes jisu wasn’t in his life, he doesn’t ever want him to lose his.
“second is…” surely there are more people he dislikes. he pretends to be friendly, but surely he isn’t on that good of terms with everyone, right? his primary annoyance comes to mind then, and his eyes light up in joy at discovering who earns this position. “hyunjin,” he says easily. “hyunjin has been a lifelong annoyance and i can’t get away from him because our families are friends, so that makes it even worse. he’s my worst enemy.” he’ll leave it at that because he doesn’t really have that much worse to say about him. hyunjin infuriates him, and sometimes he hates him, but ultimately, they’re…friends, and jihoon knows it in his heart, even if he’d never admit it.
third hurts again, but he knows this one is true. “third is bomin too.”
“do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?”
( & // he laughs, something akin to disbelief ) no. ( he’s said it before: he’s only ever gotten into relationships because he was bored ) nothing serious, anyway. i doubt i’ll ever be in a serious relationship. i’m pretty sure that’s impossible for me. ( it goes back to the lack of emotions again, and the fact that he doesn’t think he’s felt anything romantic in his entire life ) i don’t think i even have the time for a “just because i’m bored” relationship right now, and who knows how long it’ll be before i do. maybe i’ve outgrown that phase of my life by now, anyway. i can’t even imagine myself dating girls for fun anymore. ( girls have always been easier to mess with than boys for him, for some reason, and it’s not because he gets more attached to the boys. he doesn’t think he has the energy anymore– for the leading people on, for the dates, for the pretending. he wants the love, but he doesn’t want to give it )
“would you kiss the last person you kissed again?”
( & // a smile crosses his face immediately ) i would kiss anyone i’ve ever kissed again, just so we’re clear. unless it was a girl. ( he makes a face of disgust. despite his preferences, he has kissed a few girls, to ultimately decide he never wanted to again if he could help it. that went over well with his high school girlfriends, naturally, and was why eventually he stopped bothering with them ) i don’t actually know who the last person i kissed was. ( another smile, this time a little sly. it’s a toss up between spencer and bomin, because he’s kissed them both a total of quite a few times in the last month, and he doesn’t remember the timeline of it all ) but i’d kiss them both again. ( they’re so different, just like their kisses. with bomin, it’s always soft and brief– pecks, something relatively appropriate for friends. he’s his best friend– someone he really treasures, but wouldn’t really consider himself attracted to. sure, he’d kiss bomin more if he ever wanted to, but jihoon would kiss anyone. it’s not something he places a high value on. spencer is…different. with spencer it’s far from soft– rough around the edges, maybe a certain kind of hunger. the attraction is there, something magnetic, and jihoon doesn’t know how he feels about him, just knows he’s something like fascinated. there’s fondness there, too. maybe spencer is magical, and he likes it )
“if you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?”
there is no one i like-- not in the way you’re asking. ( & // of course it wouldn’t be platonic like. there’s no fun in that. he means what he says, but he knows there’s someone that comes close, maybe. jihoon doesn’t do crushes. he does attraction and fixation, even if he isn’t aware of it. anything he feels lacks the romance, and sees jealousy and possessiveness as its fuel. there are people he likes spending time with, sure, but in a platonic sense, and it’s hard for him to even want to date anyone, let alone actually be committed to them. he only ever dated for fun, anyway. who’s the closest thing, though? ) spencer? ( he asks, though he doesn’t need any approval or response. spencer. he’s something, alright, and the part of jihoon that wants to find out what is just as great as the part of him that doesn’t ) he’d probably take care of me. don’t know if he’d be any good at it, though. he’d probably be drunk too.
“describe your dream girl/guy?”
oh, i don’t know. ( & // he makes a big act of making it wistful, but he breaks out into a playful smile ) you think i’m the type to dream about a girl or a guy? if it was a dream it would be a guy; you should know that first. second, you should know i’m not the type. relationships have never been a priority for me and never will be. ( and he doesn’t mind. jihoon has never really wanted one, unless it’s to kill his boredo ) but i’ll humor you, i guess. ( and he sighs, and then thinks about it ) someone with a good sense of humor. someone hard-working, and...capable. not anyone weak-willed, or meek, or easily frightened. no one too emotional, but...warmer than i am. i would say someone that isn’t afraid of me, but i want them to be a little scared. ( and when he smiles, there’s a certain darkness to it, absent from most of his other smiles ) but someone that will stay, anyway. someone okay with every side of me. someone that will make me feel more...human? ( he doesn’t like the last part. it feels weak, even if it’s true, so he reels it back ) oh, they have to be attractive too, obviously, otherwise the deal is off.
“been arrested? for what?”
not yet. ( he grins deviously ) and i never will be! even if they detain me, i’ll talk my way out of it~ i have a lot of friends that would give me an alibi, too.
