Do any of the NPD mods have advice on how to have better communication with someone who has this? No one's been formally diagnosed apart from me (PTSD and depression) in my family, mostly because my parents have a strong aversion to the idea of going to therapy, but they both display many traits of NPD. They're also very abusive- my mother, who I live with, prefers emotional attacks, but they can both be physically violent. Is there a way to help defuse the situation? I'm not sure what to do.
Sorry you’re going through that. I know first-hand how much that sucks; I was raised by two narcs myself. The thing is, I don’t know how old you are or your financial situation or anything, but what I can tell you is how myself and my (NT)brother handled it. (Situation defusal info is at the end.) 1. Establish a reliable form of communication to express yourself.People will tell you to write journals or record audio posts but that’s fucking ridiculous advise because no matter how well you hide it they can always find it. Don’t even attempt that, its ridiculous. My bro and I were lucky enough to be able to have established a (fairly reliable) method of communication to express frustration between ourselves. However, this only worked when they hadn’t been working to pit us against each other.
2. Understand that they aren’t going to change.It’s very common for people in this situation to believe very strongly that “you can fix them”. Sometimes they might show you what you believe in the moment to be their “true selves”: all the niceties and kindness you could ever want. Hell, sometimes you feel like a dickhead for ever even THINKING that they could be abusive! At this time, you might hear them say something like “See how easy life is when you’re not making us fight! :) “. This shit is rancid and it’s what is gonna get you to think that this is all your fault and that if you “could just be like you were all day today then they’ll never be mad again!”3. Stop seeing them as anything more than providersThis is going to be a hard one, but it’s a very important step in the process of escaping from the situation. You’re going to see through the farce that is the “maternal and paternal” figure and the associated respect that society assumes they automatically should receive. You’re going to realize that these are simply two fucked up humans that had a baby. You’re going to capitalize on their ingrained assumption that they must provide for you. You’re going to work hard to make it seem like you still give a shit, while completely removing yourself emotionally. Once they have become “providers” instead of “parents” your perspective on the situation will change. It will start to feel more like having a shitty job than a shitty life….and we all know how much easier it is to change jobs in comparison to pulling some freaky friday body switch shit.
4. If it starts to fall apart, count ur chips and fuck off outta townMy little bro couldn’t handle it anymore so he moved interstate at the beginning of the year. He’s never been happier and keeps his communication to a minimum. I’m still hanging in there despite the bullshit. I’ve found that there’s no foolproof way to sort out these situations but as I’ve gotten older I’ve taken to a more “manipulative” approach. It takes knowing them to understand how best to do it. Sometimes you’ve got to pit them against each other to get them to let it out, sometimes you can get them to unite on a bullshit cause, sometimes you’ve got to distract them by setting your bedroom on fire. Look all I can tell you is that it’s gonna take some practice to get here but when you do life is fucking (annoying) breeze.When I was younger, I spent a lot of time practicing ways to deal with it. I tried to combat being told “not to yell” by logically reasoning with a calm voice while they continue spitting with rage. The thing is, you’ve got to accept that if they’re being abusive it’s not gonna stop just because of how you’re dealing with it. The trick is to make dealing with it fun.
