Soulmate blog 18: I’m broken
Boy, I am glad you have not met me yet. I am such a wreck. There is a part of me that hopes you’d come into my life so you can piece me back together and I can find joy again. Just because I have this feeling and I see it in my dreams that you are going to be astonishingly strong. Much stronger than me and this will be one of my most favorite of your many extraordinary traits. Although I lost my job because apparently I wasn’t good enough, I really don’t care. I am finding means of making it by. Barely, but I am making it by. It’s crazy how focused I have been since I lost that job. I’ve gotten things done that I haven’t had the chance to do in almost 2 years. It was like a cancer and guess what!? I beat it. Finally I have been released from it’s hold. I do not have to work for someone who had no respect for me or my identity. Did I want to make a big deal and repeal it? No! Why? Because I would get that job back. The one in an office that I don’t want nor want to be working for a man that doesn’t respect me. PSHHHHT He said if I need a reference to keep in mind that I can ask him. Guess what, I have NO INTENTION of asking you for a recommendation. NOT NOW, NOT EVER! To be honest that job literally just wasted a whole year of my life. Thank you for the benefits and the stability, but I’d rather be penniless and happy.
Baby girl, I have been a mess. But this job that I am referencing to, I no longer am a part of and guess what. I am FREE. It’s quite invigorating and I love it. I am finding ways to make cash here and there. But honestly, I want to get away and deploy. I want to clear my mind and fix my finances. I believe this is leading me closer to you actually. Like as if I SERIOUSLY had to hit my worst this year before anything good comes of it. I have been praying a lot. I have been asking God for help. Praying for him to take people that don’t serve a purpose in my life, out. To place people that are good influences in it or create a stronger bond with them. I’m finding out more about myself. I am broken.
Wow, typing that alone was a lot. But I’ve realized I am a broken soul. I’m going to be the most honest with you now than I ever have. My mom, Laura J Ruffino, a single mother of two beautiful girls, died in 2007 at the age of 46 from complications during open heart surgery. I remember that day more then any day in my life. Good and bad memories play over and over that it has such detail it’s like a dream, I can feel it. I see her smile in my and my sisters faces. Frankly, it makes me upset and feel like I’m home. Like when I was a little girl and I asked about death and expressed to my mom that death scared me. She reassured me that if we were to be separated one day that a part of her spirit will always remain. That I will see it in myself. I will hear it in my voice and in my laugh. Just to let me know she is there always. Every time I see loss on tv or in a movie I automatically see those memories and feel not just pain throughout my body but tears uncontrollably rushing down my face. I need to let my mother’s soul go but remember her for her legacy and memories. The death of my mother was the biggest most LARGEST turning point in my life. Nothing has topped that loss. I am screwed up because I never had a basis for a complete home.
My dad was never a dad. I doubt he ever really wanted the responsibility of having children. He was more like a cool uncle that says perverted shit and gives you money. When he says I love you it makes you feel like having a clingy new girlfriend or boyfriend. You want to not just say it but mean it and you realize they are only saying it because they themselves want their love to be validated because they were once not loved to the full of their capacity. Who am I to deny them of that love? But on the other hand, who am I to lie and say it when I don’t entirely mean it myself?
I hoped when my mom passed that would allow a chance for a better father-daughter relationship. I opened myself to him, allowed myself to be vulnerable. What happened? He proved to me that he will always remain the same man, SURPRISE! He abandoned my sister and I. But he does this, over and over. He reminds us that he is not a good man nor a father. He has stolen from me before. Every time he asks for my social I go and put a notice on my credit. He is a rotten man and for many years I have been angry that God left me this worthless piece of shit. What scares me is reminding myself I am conceived from this idiot. That since I am made from him, deep down in the depths of my DNA are the possibilities and potential for me to be just like him, if I ever so choose to. But it’s a character thing. I will choose to be active in my children life just as I am in my sister’s. Just like he chose to miss my baseball games. Just like he chose to never show up for my drill team competitions or graduation, or Air Force graduations, or Reenlistment, or Promotions. I STOPPED INVITING HIM because it’s easier to not get my hopes up. I’ve been angry at God because he so quickly decided to take the ONE person that held every thing together for our little but fragile family.
When my mother died, a part of me went with her. A light inside me dimmed. I became more serious, focused, and cold. I’ve been searching for ways to come out of this but I feel like it will never stop being part of me. The term they like to use at the base is a “bitch”. I share little to no emotions with those around me. It’s actually better that way. This made it easy to transition into the military. The little everyone knows, the better I will be. People are going to talk about me behind my back all the time even if I never did anything to them. So, let it be about me being a “bitch” versus to them talking shit about one of the most prized possessions in my life, my mother. I’ll tell you I’d allow them calling me a bitch roll off my back a lot faster than if they called me an orphan or disrespected my mother. I’d sock a fucker in their face if they ever spoke negatively against my mother, me I could care less about. Honestly, they don’t change my life.
You see babe, back then my father abandoned my sister and I with no full knowledge that we would been ok. We were, for the most part. My sister and I had no stable place to call home. We lived at my aunt’s, in the same room as my cousin. 3 of us to a room. Many times I was late to school because we lived on the other side of town. It was rough on all of us but we made it work with what little we had. I was not allowed to mourn over my mother’s death because I had to care for my sister. Unfortunately this was my reality up until I left for the Air Force in the summer of 2009. Thing is, if I had to do it over again, I would do it the same way. Maybe just in Pennsylvania with my uncle instead. But I made that decision and I feel like it will be on my conscious until my dying day.
This is why my life is so fucked up. I am going through shit I should have experienced at young adulthood not as a quarter life crisis. Ask anyone that knew me before my mom passed. I was FULL of life. I was always the one to light up the room and make things fun. I can still be that now but after seeing the light of my life go out, I have decided to pay close attention to where I place my energy. I want to start sharing about my mother in means of social media such as this because I know there are many of us out there. Just as we were, young girls, sad and fragile. Just covered up by years of our bodies growing but our spirit remains in this timeless youth. Wondering when is it our turn for love and happiness? Or women on the search for love in places it isn’t yet or won’t be at all. It’s a sad situation and there is nothing anyone can do to fix it. You just have to learn to live with it. But not avoid it, but allow it to fully engulf you for little pieces at a time until you can withstand the pain longer than the pain hurts. I need to find more resources, more people, more creative and positive outlets. If not, the moment I find you my love, I won’t be ready. God knows I am not ready or worthy yet. That’s why we are not in each other’s lives yet. But soon, and some day my beautiful love. I will love you in ways you could never have thought possible. Until that day comes, I am just one day closer to you.
