my breakdown of the uswnt players
ashlyn harris: big gay, “most beautiful brick wall we’ve ever seen” -kyle krieger, underrated goalkeeper, bitch™, 1/2 of “pookie”, 1/2 of krashlyn, loves babies and would be the best mom
ali krieger: kriegs, kriegy, kriegyboo, best right back in the world? yes. tough as nails and had the final touches on the ball during the world cup after not being called up for 2 years, won’t ever be seen without her mascara, softie, 1/2 of krashlyn, apparently can play forward as of the uswnt vs ireland victory tour game??? okay
mallory pugh: baby, made uswnt debut at 17, mini trackstar, i can definitely see her as a future alex morgan in terms of goals, dork, somehow managed to be on the national team and be in college at the same time
tobin heath: the coolest cat there ever was, will break your ankles and steal your soul, nutmeg queen ™, looks like she will kill you but is actually a cinnamon roll, surfer dude, dresses like a frat guy, 1/2 of harry, 1/2 of preath, came out of the womb in her tar heels jersey, loves jordan (basketball), and remember kids— you can’t copy cool.
christen press: peace? she is peace, yoga god, can run 32mph and will make you look like an idiot trying to catch her, soft but isn’t afraid to steal your soul with a nutmeg, def watches marie kondo, 1/2 of preath, stanford—actually set their all time scoring record
alex morgan: janice, radiates big gay energy but is surprisingly straight, 100 goals and counting, every goal keepers worst nightmare, looks like she will kill you but is actually soft, a big dork, pink headband ™ , the most popular of the bunch and honestly, rightly so. this woman is a fricking superstar.
emily sonnett: sonny, son, dasani, self proclaimed sit down comedian, frat daddy jr, a walking meme, uswnt professional hype man, big dumbass but we love her, kelley is training her in defense, will score goals in the most random yet most crucial of times (see portland thorns fc playoffs)
kelley o’hara: frat daddy, KO, kevin, karen from legal, worms, scare queen, middle child “we need a bitch, get kelley” -jill ellis, a medical miracle— somehow survived a concussion during the world cup final and then proceeded to drink for the next 7 days to celebrate, will never have to pay for beer ever again, chaotic, mother of her adopted crackheads (sonnett & rose), iconically kissed her girlfriend after the world cup win, stanford, great long balls for assists, has played every position except goalkeeper, brick wall
lindsey horan: THE GREAT HORAN, linessi (for her love of messi), sneaky, best midfielder in my opinion, killer foot, player with the second most number of fouls in the nwsl but also one of the most fouled, amazing assists and headers, went pro straight out of high school bc she’s just great like that, won the ball in duels 116 more times than anyone else in the league (nwsl)
tierna davidson: little t, t, baby gay™, pulls her injured girlfriend around in a wagon, stanford, calm, def a book nerd, probably the most normal out of the bunch, baby becky, under the radar but i can see her becoming big in the future—becky is training her, owns a kelley o’hara stanford jersey and loves it maybe more than anything
allie long: wine mom, 1/2 of harry, 1/2 of pookie, not much to say about her tbh, great passes, loves scaring people, hangs with kelley and alex a lot, content provider, doesn’t get a whole lot of minutes anymore but when she does get them, she doesn’t often disappoint, solid defense most of the time
sam mewis: tower of power, panic petunia, tallest women’s soccer player in history, pale besties with rose, great midfielder, will take the ball from you mid-game if you’re just standing there and not doing anything with it (see wwc final), scored in the top 1% of an IQ test the uswnt and usmnt held, loves reading and harry potter, chaotic when with rose & sonnett
rose lavelle: sweet baby rose, def the next generation of greatness, pale af and she knows it, dork, loves her dog, wilma, more than anything in the world, killer left foot, loves twitter, she’s from ohio and proud of it (i’m biased lol)
crystal dunn: dunny, constantly dancing, has played every position besides goalkeeper—sometimes multiple in one game, worked her ass off to make the 2019 world cup roster after being cut in 2015, bitch is drowning in awards (like seriously, this girl is amazing), underrated friendship with tobin
becky sauerbrunn: broon, usually rolls her sleeves, fishtail braid that she’s not afraid to whip in your face, the united states secretary of defense, loves cats and science fiction, nobody makes her bleed her own blood, got cut in the world cup final and still played the rest of the game despite needing 6 stitches, sophisticated, legally not allowed to leave us until she gets a goal
alyssa naeher: uncle, loves her crosswords, underrated, underestimated, under appreciated, saved our asses in the world cup game against england, quiet but soft
julie ertz: JJ, invented marriage, tough as nails, blue headband ™, will slide tackle anyone who enters her field of vision, she is usually bleeding by the end of a game, uses her body as a weapon, killer headers when she gets the chance, occasionally dresses like a frat guy
abby dahlkemper: bellpepper, this girl beat a sepsis infection and the chance of losing her leg. if that doesn’t say bad ass, idk what will. flies under the radar most of the time but plays some great long balls, especially for alex
carli lloyd: carlos, carla, oldest player on the team and she’s still got it, probably will retire soon :( , loves ice baths, queen of new jersey, beast from the east, can score from midfield and has, truly just legendary and did so much for women’s soccer
morgan brian: moe, bean, second most normal of the bunch, don’t really get to see her play much but when she does, she’s tricky, loves pick up soccer, even though she’s young, she’s a ‘15er, one of four to ever win the MAC hermann trophy two years in a row, kinda died (metaphorically) for a bit and everyone sorta forgot about her after the 2015 world cup but we still love her!
megan rapinoe: pinoe, sorta controversial, love her or hate her, she gets the job done, outspoken, NOT going to the white house, so proud of her younger teammates, big goals, big moments, leaves an impression, occasionally referred to as president pinoe, dating sue bird of the wmba
adrianna franch: AD, one of our goalkeepers, doesn’t get a lot of minutes but that doesn’t mean she’s not good— if you want to see her in action, watch a portland thorns fc game!! chill, funny, engaged to her gorgeous girlfriend
jessica macdonald: jmac, the only mom on the team, doesn’t play often so there’s not much to say about her but she does really well on her club team (north carolina courage), chill
let me know if i forgot anything!!
