#multiask answer

[asexualadvice]

To that masturbating anon. That totally happened to me as well. I did it pretty regularly as well as a stress reliever and because it does feel nice. But after me realizing I might be ace, it became less of an occurrence and I'm sort of not in the mood for it these days. I wonder why though.

Hey!!!! I also lost interest in masturbation after coming out to myself so to speak, cool to hear that from someone else, too!

Thanks for sharing, both of you!

[asexualadvice]

i just wanted to add to the last ask you answered about the discrimination faced by ace folks: the person who asked that question DID NOT take into account that there is more to the world than White America, and in my part of the world, if I told my family that I did not want to have sex (and didn't want kids), for sure they'd think something was wrong with me, and I would face discrimination. I don't doubt I might even be kicked out and many of them would talk shit about me being "broken".

not a question, but a comment in regards to the whole hetro/ace "controversy". I am biromantic asexual and I am also really tired of people playing the oppression Olympics on here. It seems your romantic orientation has nothing to do with your sexual orientation until you're hetero-romantic in which case suddenly it does. suddenly they're not as ace as someone whose panromantic and ace, or aro-ace, which makes 0 sense to me. the asexual community is for ALL aces, not just the "most oppressed".

Thank you both for your thoughts!

[asexualadvice]

So I've been in a serious relationship for 4 years & before him, I had never kissed anybody. He's slept with other girls before and lately I've come to the conclusion that I believe I'm ace but how do I know if I'm basing it off of one person? I'm scared to leave the relationship but I'm also curious about what else is out there but I can't but thinking, how do I know what I want if I haven't seen what there is you know?

I don't know if I'm asexual or if I'm just no longer sexually attracted to my boyfriend that I've been dating for years. He's the only person I've ever had a relationship with

Not sure if these are the same person or not, they came in right after each other... (if so, yes, we did get your first message, but we cannot give you an answer within 1.5 hours). 

Anyway. Allosexual folks feel sexual attraction not just to partners, but also to strangers, to casual acquaintances, etc. If you aren’t feeling sexual attraction to anyone, including your partner, you probably are asexual. It’s not about having sex or dating them - for many people, sexual attraction is what drives them to have sex. It doesn’t magically show up when you’re in a relationship for most people. 

Acenon(s), you have seen other people, right? Like, you’ve interacted with a cashier at the grocery store? You’ve sat next to someone at an event? You’ve eaten in a busy restaurant? You’ve stood in line at the DMV? You’ve seen what there is out there. You don’t have to date someone to know if you’re into them. 

-Kiowa

[asexualadvice]

I tried to tell my mom I was heteromantic, and explain to her what it was, but she just kept saying things like 'it's just a phase,' 'you'll grow out of it,' and 'you'll change your mind one day.' I am positive I won't grow out of it, but I'm afraid to talk to her about it now. She always understood things when I tell her but she doesn't seem to get this. What do I do?

Hi… So recently I tried to tell my mom, who is usually very understanding, that I am heteromantic. When I did though, she said it was ‘just a phase’ and that I’d ‘understand when I’m older’ (I’m 15). It really hurt when she said that because I know it’s not just a phase I really wanted her support. I want her to understand, but I’m also sort of afraid to talk to her about it now. What do I do?

Hi there, I came out as asexual to my mother and sister a while ago. They were okay with it, but they didn’t really understand. They keep saying I “haven’t matured yet” and that I’m just “ashamed of feeling sexual attraction”. It’s really getting to me, and I’ve tried to explain it to them numerous times. What do I do?

I told my mom the other day that I don’t experience sexual attraction and that I’m ace, but she told me she was the same way until she was “more mature” and out of college. She told me that I wouldn’t stay this way and when I’m older I’ll definitely want sex, and I’ve tried explaining it to her but she doesn’t listen. She insists I’m too young to have this type of attraction (I’m 15). By what age should allosexuals experience sexual attraction? 

I feel like my friends think that my sexuality is a ‘phase’ and like asexuality doesn’t exist. They just kinda look at me funny if it comes up and they constantly ask the same questions. They’re good friends and I need their support. What can I do?

I tried coming out to my mom as asexual, and she basically was saying how she didn’t “feel that way” until she met my dad, and said how I shouldn’t feel anything like that, I’m fifteen. What ways can I get her to understand?

i cant even breathe right now. im 15 and just kind of came out to my twin sister and because i shut my feelings away like happiness or sadness due to a psychological trauma in my past, she claims that my “asexuality which is only a phase” is because of that. she asked her counselor and he laughed and confirmed her counselor. shes laughing at me, telling me im just mental ill. but i dont think so. am i wrong? could sexual attraction be something i shut away too? 

My friends whenever I say I’m asexual they always say “oh, I’ve never felt sexual attraction before, I must totally be asexual too” in a joking manor and we are only 14 and I just want them to accept my sexuality, but they are fine with gays and lesbians.

I told my mom that I was asexual but she doesn’t believe I will turn out too be asexual. I’m in my early teens, but I don’t have any sexual attractions to either gender. She INSISTS that I’m straight, but I’m pretty sure I will be asexual my whole life. I feel betrayed by her because she doesn’t believe me and I have insisted that I will be asexual. Any advice??

Part 1/3 I identify as biromantic sex-repulsed asexual and one of my two friends that’s in gym talks about sex a lot. We had had talks about pansexual and gay people etc. and so I figured they’d be fine with it. But when I told them Part 2/3 they just said “That song last” “You’ll grow out of it” and that kind of thing. I haven’t talked to them sense bc I know it’s not good for me to be around ppl like that, butPart 3/3 I’ve been struggling with a lot and I’m back to having one friend again. It’s just really hard. Any advice?  

I know this is a lot of asks to answer all at once, but I have a reason for doing it this way. All of these asks are slightly different variations of the same question. All of the aces are facing the same thing. You are not alone in your struggles. You are not alone in your feelings. And every single one of you is valid. 

So, to the answer... What all of these situations boil down to is this. You came out to someone who decided that:

they know your feelings and sexuality better than you

you are not allowed to identify yourself as anything but straight until you’ve tried being straight or passed some arbitrary age marker

all young people don’t feel sexual attraction but also should be feeling sexual attraction and experimenting

the feelings that you feel now don’t count because they might change

All of that is a load of hypocritical bullshit, right? I mean, seriously. It’s invalidation central up in here. But why? Why do people say that crap?

It’s because they’re afraid and don’t understand. 

Rather than saying “Hey, I don’t get that, can you teach me?” they go “I don’t get what you’re saying and it goes against what I’ve been told is the right way to be, therefore I should make you feel like shit until you conform.” That’s really crappy. 

Sometimes, the solution is education. Sometimes, the solution is to lay low until you’re in a safe position to be yourself. Sometimes, being unapologetically asexual will show them and they’ll come around. Sometimes, there isn’t a solution and people continue to be invalidating poopheads.

Aces are invalidated via the “it’s just a phase” and “you’re too young” and “you just need to try it” routes well into adulthood. And if we adult aces can know our sexuality and be asexual despite all that, so can you young aces. 

Your sexuality is valid, whether these people believe in it or not. You know yourself best.

-Kiowa

[asexualadvice]

My boyfriend doesn't understand the fact that I'm gray-asexual. That, or he doesn't care. Any advice?

My boyfriend invalidates me being gray-ace and says "You've never done it so you can't be sure" and he completely disregards it. He doesn't mean to. How can I help him see..?

Your boyfriends are showing a fundamental lack of respect for you as a human being. Not caring about or making any effort to understand what it means for you to be gray-asexual is their way of saying “I don’t care about your feelings.” My honest advice? Dump them. 

If you really want to try to get through to them, dig your heels in and call them out on that bullshit. Explain what gray-asexuality is, why it’s important to you, and why they need to understand it. If they still won’t, dump them. 

Second anon, bring up that you’ve never gone swimming with sharks but you know you don’t want to. You don’t have to try something to know you don’t want it, same as you don’t have to have already tried something to know if you did want it.

-Kiowa

[asexualadvice]

Could uou link info on the varying categories of Asexual? I feel I have an inclination towards one but again it is hard to find ample info on the subject. Help a person out!

is there a place with a list of all the aro/ace related orientations? even the v small/newer ones? sorry if this has already been asked i couldnt find a list  

Try our glossary and anagnori’s list of terms. 

-Kiowa

[asexualadvice]

People talking about the qu**r thing are not saying that no asexual ever can call themselves queer, but that only lgbp (or people who experience same gender attraction even if you dont id with any of those labels) or trans aces can, because of the historical and current use of qu**r as a slur. Which includes many aces, but asexuality is not the basis under the which they can themselves queer. Ik you dont agree but that is what is being said, not erasing that aces can have same gender attraction

And that attitude is exclusionary and extremely hurtful, in addition to being historically and currently crap. The whole point of that post examining history is that queer was levied against anyone who wasn’t following heteronormative expectations - so asexuals were indeed getting that. When you try to exclude heteroromantic aces because “they don’t face discrimination because they’re attracted to another gender,” you’re invariably leaving aromantic aces in the lurch as well. It’s all or nothing. Asexuals are queer, historically and presently. 

(Misogyny anon) :/ that's definitely not what I'm saying. I just think that examining the causes of your own marginalization is important to understanding it and fighting it. Saying that acephobia against women is primarily affected by misogyny does not invalidate acephobia against men and it definitely does not invalidate acephobia as a whole. It actually validates it by pinpointing its cause. For example, lesbians and gay men are both affected by homophobia,

(Cont) but the effects of it manifest differently because gender influences it in different ways. Like lesbophobia is the combination of the intolerance for same-gender attraction and the misogyny towards women who are not attracted to men. Homophobia against men does not have that aspect. And it's not just that misogyny affects lesbophobia, it is the main component that fuels it. So it's really not enough to say "acephobia exists because society expects people to have (het) sex", because

(Cont) we need to analyze where that expectation comes from, and how it affects and differs for different demographics. And for women, a huge reason for that expectation is misogyny, and the expectations put on women through patriarchy.

Ahhh, gotcha! Thanks for the clarification. I was getting really tired and cranky, so I clearly did not quite follow you to that conclusion. Thanks for coming back.

hi. so i'm the anon who was following the "cishet ace" person and we were talking and i got a better view of her argument and honestly i'm not sure what to believe now. she separates the queer and lgbtqia communities, so she says asexuals aren't queer but are lgbtqia and the main reason she doesn't support asexuals using the word queer is the history of the word queer and that because queer targeted gay, lesbian, bi, and trans people and because ace people were never systematically (1/3)

 oppressed by the word queer strictly as asexuals we're i guess appropriating it by using it. i showed her some of the links you had about this stuff but she didn't think any were actual valid arguments for various reasons (like the spinsters post takes history out of context?) and some asexual with a degree in queer theory disproved some points so nothing really came of that. but the thing is i can see her point now, with the whole queer-slur history thing and i really don't (2/3)

know what i believe bc i guess it makes sense? she related it to the n word which i guess made it more concrete for me. so now idk what to do bc i get what she's saying but at the same time i think she's wrong but also right? (does that make sense?) i guess this is more of a vent than anything but do you have any advice for dealing with this or some resources i could check out on why we can use the word queer? also srry i know this is a tired topic but ur the only advice blog i really know (3/3)

I don’t really have the energy to invest in a huge exhaustive research campaign here. If the history thing doesn’t help, I don’t know what to tell you. In relation to the present, queer is being reclaimed to be used as a catchall, often in place of the acronyms. It’s being used for anything that isn’t cishet. It follows that queer applies to asexuals and aromantics, as we are not cishet. Also, since we’re taking the word back, don’t we get to say what it’s going to be used for, rather than letting the bigots who made it a slur define it?

-Kiowa

[asexualadvice]

The entire argument of that post you linked to was that ace people can reclaim queer bc they have been mistaken for being gay, I have never seen an example of ace people being targeted by "queer" for being ace in and of itself. You can't reclaim a slur for being mistaken for the intended target of a slur, only for being a part of the targeted group itself.

Did you... did you not read the post? Like, at all? Did you just skim it to be able to say this? 

The point of the post that was linked to (that wasn’t from this blog) is that terms like queer were used against anyone who wasn’t in heteronormative relationships and having heterosexual sex. As in, people who didn’t want to have any sex at all - you know asexuals - were also being called queer. 

Go read the post again, and if you still don’t get it, maybe we can talk about it. But seriously, I don’t know how to spell it out any more clearly. If the only thing you can take away from that incredible explanation of history is that modern audiences assumed that everyone who was called queer, “confirmed bachelor,” “spinster” or something of that ilk was actually gay, then you’ve only gotten about 1% of the point of that post. Modern interpretation of those terms does not make the people they were levied against less asexual. 

I mean in that link the only thing it discussed that really had purely to do with discrimination against ace people were the women it discussed, which really has more to do with how society treats women who make themselves sexually unavailable to men, which is mainly connected to misogyny

Not sure if this was part of the first message, but same topic...

Again. RE. READ. THE. POST. I’m not saying it has nothing to do with misogyny. I’m not saying that wasn’t a factor - but I am saying that queer was used against asexuals and yes, asexuals can reclaim it. 

I don't think you have to be able to reclaim the q slur to be a part of the MOGAI community. All ace and aro people are part of the MOGAI community, but whether all of them can reclaim the q slur seems to be iffy territory.

No exclusions. No identity policing. Period the end.

If you are not cishet, you can reclaim queer. Let me repeat that: If you are not cisgender, heterosexual, and heteroromantic - if you any one of those terms does not apply to you - you can reclaim queer as well as being part of the MOGAI community. 

It’s iffy territory because people identity police and, as evidenced above, ignore history. It’s only iffy if you’re more interested in policing people’s identities than in building a community to support and uplift people who are oppressed and marginalized. 

-Kiowa