I am with them - Lonely
Masterlist
Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 ~ Chapter 3 ~ Chapter 4 ~ Chapter 5 ~Chapter 6 ~ Chapter 7 ~ Chapter 8 ~ Chapter 9
Summary: A blank screen stared back, and you set it back down. Letting out a breath. Deciding that you’d start getting dinner going, even if it meant leftovers.
Relationships: Steve x reader (afab some backstory, limited description) -Steve x Bucky - Bucky x Reader ~ Stucky x reader
Word Count: 4.5k
Warnings: miscaragers, infertility, angst, miscommunications, comfort, fluff, adults talking, mentions of alcohol, cuddling, throuples, polyamoury,
Dividers@/cafekitsune
Author note: Some sensitive subjects and some agnst
Bucky doesn’t want the weekend to end. Even though Monday is tomorrow, he keeps hoping it will last just a little longer. Part of him fears that if Steve leaves, it will somehow go up in smoke. It’s illogical and ridiculous, but it still sits in the back of his mind. Doesn’t matter that Steve will be back home in a few weeks. Or that Bucky’s second shop is opening at the end of the week. His mind is just playing on the endless negative possibilities that could come out.
“Stop,” Steve leans his head against Bucky’s shoulder. His warmth melting into Bucky’s skin like a warm blanket. “I am leaving tomorrow, not forever.”
Bucky tries to let his shoulders relax. “Forgot how you could read my mind, Steve.”
“More like your face,” Steve pokes at him, before adding softly. “Talk to me, not allowed to shut me out.”
Adjusting Bucky pulls Steve closer, hoping that the contact will stop him from losing his nerve. “Do you think this is going to work? Like, once you come back home?”
Steve sits up, looking out at the backyard, Rex lying upside down in the sun patch. His hands rub along his shorts for a moment. The silence isn’t uncomfortable, just quiet, both trying to find words that don’t come easily for either of them.
“Do you want it to work?” The blonde finally asks. “I do, I want it to work. I know our girl does too. And yes, she’s ours.”
Bucky feels his cheeks flush at the words, ‘our girl', “Think it's more that we are hers. She’s glue holding us together.”
Steve smiles, “Yeah, she really does. Thought for sure she was going to lose her mind. Then she’s lying next to us like that’s where she always belonged.”
“Didn’t even bat an eye. Accepted both of us, and our history without hesitation.” Bucky lets his fingers tap along the table. “Now I am sitting here freaking out, because you’re leaving tomorrow.”
“Would it make you feel better, if I said I was worried too?” Steve asks, looking at Bucky. The two of them were watching the other for a moment. “It’s only a month, but it feels like a lifetime. Be almost fall by the time I am back. You’ll have your second shop running, she’ll have her book almost written. Hard to see myself just sliding back in here.”
“But you will,” You come out, wearing a loose, flowing dress, bring a pitcher of water for everyone, sitting down across from them. Rex sees you and comes running to bump his head against your palm. “We made it this far, and we can go as far as we want to go.” You coo over the dog for a moment. “You both forget we are building this on a friendship that’s almost as old as we are. It’s not like we are going to go put a sign outside stating what we are doing. It’s just us and this home.”
Bucky nods, and you get up, coming to sit in his lap, Steve grabbing your legs so they swing onto his. Your arm going over Bucky’s shoulders and settling in place.
“We really are lucky to have you,” Bucky whispers against your ear. “What we do to deserve you?”
“Mmm, probably when you kept stopping Steve from getting concussions. Cause Steve kept trying to defend my honour. Or when you came and dragged me out of the ditch during the snowstorm. Or maybe when you first met me and didn’t tease me like everyone else.” You rattle on, Steve rubbing up along your calf. “You two made me feel welcome, coming to a new school, in another city.”
“You didn’t treat us any differently either,” Steve replies, filling the silences slowly. “Didn’t care that we didn’t fit the mould, and you stuck by us despite all of that. Actually wanted to know our stories, know whowe were, and what we wanted to do.”
“Still do,” You reply, and it makes Bucky smile. You were always honest, even if it was sharp.
The three of you fall silent, nothing but the sound of Rex snores, passing cars, and the wind. It was peaceful and steady in a way that was hard to put into words.
“Is it okay if people find out?” Bucky asks, trying to let himself ask the hard questions. Having these conversations was going to be vital to make sure this worked.
You glance over at Steve, the two of you silently communicating. “If people find out, they find out.”
“Natasha will probably rattle it out of me.” Steve sighs dramatically, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“Didn’t you say she was a spy?” Bucky teases, “And Wanda a mind reader?”
“Past lives,” Steve points out. “I have no proof, but I won't put it past them.”
“Natasha is going to be worse than Sam.” You chuckle, already hearing the redhead's voice. Natasha had been a good friend with Steve since art school, and she was uncannily good at ferreting out info from Steve.
“Where should I sleep?” Bucky asks, hands running along your side. The thought of taking up space in your and Steve’s home made him uncertain, like he shouldn’t be allowed there.
You lean further against, humming happily. “Where you are comfortable. If you want to sleep in your room, sleep there, or you can sleep with me-us.”
“Even if you're gone, Steve?” Bucky feels like he is pushing, but remembers the first rule. Open communication.
Steve nods, a flicker of a smile crossing his face. “Long as you're both happy too.” His fingers are rubbing circles in your skin. “Can't say I won't be jealous of both of you while I am gone.”
You giggle, lean forward to kiss his cheek. “Soon you'll be home. Plenty to go around.”
Bucky is squeezing Steve’s fingers against his thigh. “Won’t tease you too much, Stevie.”
“Should probably talk about-” Steve pauses, his hand stilling against your skin. “Kids, the possibility of that.”
Bucky feels his face heating up. He hadn't thought about having kids, not in a long time. Had considered it an impossibility for him, even though he had always seen himself as a Dad. It was hard to think about that when you can’t let yourself love another person.
He knew that both of you wanted kids, and had been surprised when you both hadn’t had any after getting married. Having decided that it wasn’t his business, maybe you’d all decided to wait. Now he knew that wasn’t the case.
“You both had wanted kids, right?” He asks, watching your face cloud. How your body curled in on itself a little, like you were trying to become smaller.
You still, Steve, squeezing your arm, giving you comfort. “We do.” You shift a little, clearly uncomfortable.
“We can talk about another time.” Bucky offers quietly, not wanting to upset you.
“No, it's important. We tried several times.” You continue, voice small, almost silent. “I had four miscarriages before we stopped.”
Bucky freezes, his mind processing it all. He looks up at Steve, who's watching you with worry draped on his face. The thought of both of you losing four pregnancies ripped at him, and he hadn’t even known. You both just suffered in silence, while the world moved on.
“Decided to take a break. Doctors said we just had to keep trying. But I wanted to wait.” You whisper out the last bit. “That was three years ago.”
Bucky hugs you close to his chest, kissing the side of your face. “Fuck. I didn't know.”
“We didn't tell anyone,” Steve sniffs, rubbing his eyes. “But you should know. Not for lack of wanting them.”
Bucky squeezes Steve's hand again. “Don't have to worry about that right now. Can cross that bridge when we get there. If we ever get there. I am okay either way.”
You smile, resting your head against his chest. “You would both be good Dads.”
Steve stands at his table looking over the final set designs. Natasha comes in with a flurry and hands out scripts to everyone. Her face is a cloud of emotions, which was not good.
“Revisions?” Steve asks, flipping through them, already spotting changes.
“Yep, remember when they said we were clear to pull down the precinct?” Natasha asks, and a collective groan goes out. “And the Miller house?”
“These are completely new scenes for two dismantled sets,” Steve states, already going to his computer. “We can't just rebuild these.”
Natasha snorts, as Wanda huffs. “Oh, they know. Looking to expand the shooting schedule by two weeks.”
“Two weeks.” Steve scrubs at his face. “Okay, I'll call Henry and -” He looks at his contact list. “Is Noelle still here?”
“She was supposed to be leaving next Wednesday.” Natasha relays. “They are gonna be thrilled.”
“Yeah, as thrilled as I am,” Steve quips, rubbing at his face. Already knowing he is going to have to text you and cancel the phone call tonight. “Make sure Wanda knows too, I think she has those sets packed and stored.”
“Already on it, will get everyone in. Start getting budget breakdowns for everything. Find out what the DOP is looking to shoot.” Natasha rambles, Steve already reaching for his phone.
Initially, he goes to text you both separately, but decides to make a group chat. It would be easier that way, less chances of details getting missed.
You ❤️👑 & Bucky 🖤🛠
Steve: No group call. Is a group chat a good idea?
Bucky: I was just going to text you both, also going to be a late night
You: Group chat is good. Guess it’s just me Rex and some wine tonight.
Stevie: Probably going to be delayed by two weeks, have to rebuild sets.
You: Two weeks? That sucks. Make sure they are paying you for the extra.
Steve smiled at the message, you seemed to take it in stride. You always did, his biggest supporter, it twists at his stomach.
Bucky: It will be over before you know it. What is the delay?
Steve: Two sets that we tore down are being rebuilt
You: Of course, that should be fun.
Steve is dragged away back to the discussion; he is already going to have to go talk to the production manager. The studio where the sets had been built was already slated to have a different production come in. It didn’t cover the logistics of the build. Was it a full build, or did they just need an office or the kitchen? A full rebuild won’t take as long as the initial build, but it wasn’t something that could just magically appear. Though sometimes productions certainly thought they could.
Wanda was already pulling out her hair, sending her people to dig out full sets and rent things that had just been returned. The air was heavy with stress and frustration, and it made Steve buzz.
Was he absolutely exhausted and wanting to be home? Yes. But this was also why he loved the job. The last minute pivots, problem solving, making it work on the fly. It was thrilling, taxing, and exactly why he kept showing up every day. Even if he was certainly wondering how late he’d be staying in the office tonight.
You clicked your phone open, glancing at the time; it was past midnight now. Bucky and Steve had gone quiet, both deep in work, and you were here in bed with Rex and a glass of wine. Bucky had been told that the oil tank he’d installed was not valid anymore. Manufacturer defect, which meant that it needed to be removed and a new one replaced. The problem was that the manufacturer didn't want to refund Bucky; they just wanted to replace it. Which Bucky was of course not happy about, he wanted a new company and not to run into the same problem.
Just the thought made your head hurt. Bucky was consistently running into problems. More than you thought was possible, being a business owner was much harder than you ever had known. Bucky handled it all with ease, most of it anyway. It seemed like this was something he ran into often. It reminded you of Steve; both of them were problem solvers. If there was an issue, they were on top of it. Whatever it was, they’d figure it out.
The city stuff had mostly been handled; there were still a few hangups, but it seemed like it all would be fixable. Ms. Pots had already written up a contract for Bucky to start working on Stark's fleet once he opened the doors. That had also been delayed by a week.
You flicked your phone open, seeing no new messages again. A small pang pressed at your heart, making you feel the weight of the last several weeks. It hadn’t actually sunk in, not really. Your husband had a boyfriend, and you also had the same boyfriend?
The heat on your cheeks made you want to crawl under the sheets. The sheets that said boyfriend would be sleeping in. A place all three of you had shared a weekend together. A weekend that had gone by way too fast, it felt like a blur. It felt good, really good. The sex, the talking, the just being together. It had always been like that, the three of you moving as one.
A memory of kids making fun of Steve for being a third wheel makes you cringe. He’d been teased relentlessly, and you all had been. It hadn’t changed the dynamic; you always showed up for Bucky’s football games, Steve helped you study for calculus. The oddballs. The three misfits. Bucky could have easily just slipped in with jocks or another popular group. Instead, he still came and hung out in art class when he had a free block. Let Steve draw him, and you talk about medical anomalies that he didn’t understand.
Somehow, you had all made it through high school and then went on to do more. Even when Bucky had done internships, Steve in art school, you doing medical training. Then all living in that same shit little apartment. Now here you were, back to sharing a home, sharing a bed. It was different, but it was good.
You glance at the clock, after one am now, you have office hours tomorrow. Sleep was needed, but Bucky hadn’t come home yet. You grab your phone from the side table, sliding it open again, and decide to send Bucky a text that you will be heading to sleep.
“You want a full test panel done?” Doctor Jones asks you. His glasses perched on the end of your nose.
He was an older man whom you’d been going to for the last decade. The man knew your ups and downs, your married life, all of it. You did regular health screenings, blood work, pap smears, and anything else that was recommended.
“Yes, just regular STI testing. I usually get them yearly.” You reply, your nerves have gotten the best of you, making your hands tremble. It wasn’t like the doctor would be surprised by any of this; plenty of people had open marriages. Not that your relationship was that, but people were in throuples, you’d googled it.
The doctor put his glasses down and let out a breath. “Yes, you got one four months ago.”
“Oh, well, can’t hurt to get another one.” You try to smile, despite your voice trembling a little.
“Are you concerned about Steve cheating on you? Or have you been seeing someone else?” The doctor presses, and your cheeks heat up. “I am not judging; infertility can cause strain on a marriage.”
You blink a few times, taking the words in. “It’s just a STI test, nothing serious.”
His lips go thin, and you can tell he wants to say more. You don’t want to say anything, yes, you could tell him, but things were still new. If the relationship continued, then you’d let them know.
“Alright, but if you need counselling, please just ask,” The doctor says, going back to typing on his keyboard.
You sat in your living room, laptop balanced on your knees, Rex at your feet, it was somewhere near four in the afternoon. Once again, you hadn’t heard from anyone. It had been two weeks since Steve had left, and things had been quiet. Bucky came home late and left early, Steve was buried in work and unattainable deadlines.
It struck you, and you felt lonely. Really lonely. This happened more often than you would like. It was always hard, and not being at the clinic pulled that further into the light. You really needed to make friends. How did one go about making friends? You rub your face, and click open your phone again. It was a miracle that the thing still worked with how often you opened it.
A blank screen stared back, and you set it back down. Letting out a breath. Deciding that you’d start getting dinner going, even if it meant leftovers.
Mind running, you fall into the pattern of making dinner, you think about all the times you’d driven Steve to the airport. Giving him hugs as he flew off to his next destination. Thought about all the times you’d gone to see Bucky and he couldn't look you in the eye. About rounds at the clinic, friends you had made there that didn’t reach out anymore. Family that was now nothing more than acquaintances.
Tears stung your eyes, and it had nothing to do with the onions. The world was so full and so empty at the same time. It made your heart hurt. Made your chest clench. You missed being held, being seen, having someone to talk about the stupid little things. Normally, that was Steve, or Bucky, or someone at work, but right now you felt like you had no one. Just a big empty house, and no one to fill it.
You go to the sink grabbing a fresh towel, soaking it with cold water and placing it on the back of your neck. A hiss escaped your teeth, but the anxiety spiral slows. Heart rate calms as you catch your breath.
Shaking your head, you mentally note to start getting out of the house more. Maybe start doing some of your writing at the library or coffee shop. Being home alone had been getting to you. You also needed to ask both of your lovely men to check in on you. Even if it was just a quick call, something. Should you have to remind them? Probably not, but you also couldn't expect them to read your mind.
Bucky was tired, covered in dust and grease, but it was done. The shop had gotten the stamp of approval; he should have been excited, ecstatic by the news. Yet, all he could think about was finally seeing you. Finally, sitting down and calling Steve. He'd missed you both so much; it had been a rough couple of weeks.
Opening the door, he is immediately hit with the warm smell of food. There is a show playing in the background, one of those love in seven days dramas he didn't really understand. You were by the stove stirring something that smelled like lemons and garlic.
“Hey,” He calls out, before taking off his shoes. It was a rule you’d always stuck by: no shoes in the house.
The patter of your feet has him looking up; your hair is up in a messy bun, your face lined with exhaustion. You look like you haven't slept in days. His stomach twists with worry as he places his shoes by the door and hurriedly takes off his jacket.
“I didn’t know you were coming home in time for dinner.” You reply, he watches as your shoulders sag a little. Red lining your eyes, you’d been crying too.
“Wanted to surprise you,” Bucky moves carefully. When was the last time the two of you had eaten dinner together? Reaching out to gently take your hand.
You give a weak smile and squeeze his fingers. “Nice to have you home. Food is almost ready. Greek.” Waving a hand. “Sort of Greek.”
He doesn’t let you move forward, instead gently pulling you to him. Tipping your face up to look at his, brows furrowing as his thumb rubs over your flushed cheeks. “What’s going on, sweetheart?”
Shaking your head, you lean away from him. “It’s nothing, just a long day.”
Not liking the answer, he pulls you against his chest and hugs you close. Your arms didn’t come up right away instead, your face pushed against his chest, then your arm went around his chest. A small whine leaves you as you cling to him.
“M’sorry,” He whispers into your hair, a small whimper leaving you. Bucky could feel you cry against his chest. It wasn’t loud or dramatic, just soft whimpers that cracked him open. “I am here, it’s okay.”
You sniff and pull away, wiping at your eyes and huffing. “It’s just silly. “ He kisses your forehead, letting you talk. “I just felt really lonely this week. Not going into work, being here alone, with everyone busy.” You rub at your face, “Just got to me. I should have phoned, just got lost in my head.”
Bucky pulls you back into a hug, kissing the top of your head. “It’s okay. I am sorry I haven’t been back much.”
“No, don’t be sorry. I’ve been shut down today, it’s not your fault.”
“Yeah, but I could have come back more. Actually texted you.”
Looking down at your shoes, you shrug, “It would be nice. Even just a check in a couple times a day.”
Bucky nods, “That’s more than fair, and phone too. I will always pick up.”
“Okay,” You whisper back, grabbing his hand and leading him into the kitchen.
You are curled up in bed, book in hand, flipping through the pages, drawing in one of Steve’s shirts. He hadn't slept here since Steve had left, instead crashing on his small apartment sofa for an hour here or there. That or just sleeping at the shop. Seeing you in bed right now made him regret that he could have been here; he should have been here. Not some midnight bandit that occasionally stole leftovers and small kisses.
“You just gonna stare, or you going to come to bed?” You ask, putting the book down on the side table and patting the duvet.
He smiles and takes off his shirt, dumping it into the basket before coming to crawl in beside you. “You can keep reading.” Bucky moves close to you, draping an arm over your stomach. “Think I am going to sleep for three days.”
You chuckle, hands already running into his hair, tracing down over his tattoos. “I am happy the shop has an official, official, opening date.”
Humming, he nuzzles against your collarbone, lips going up along your neck. “Very official, Sam went and got a banner made.”
“That was very kind of him.” You say, “Should get some balloons, make a whole spectacle.”
“Allison, has my socials covered. Have three different food trucks going to stop by. Right block party.” He mumbles, breathing in your scent, clean and citrusy.
Shifting your fingers, roaming across his shoulders, and down over the tattoos. He shivers against the feeling as you outline the various swirls and marks, reminding him he needs to go get more ink done.
“It’s nice to have you here,” You murmur, before flicking the lights off and snuggling even closer.
Bucky moves himself up so that he can bring you against his chest, pulling you on top of him easily. You hum happily, lifting your head onto one of your hands. The lights from outside are just enough for you to see his face. His fingers trace over your cheekbones, down along your jaw, then back up over your lips.
“Should’ve been here more.” He says, fingers brushing across your temples. “Not buried at work.”
You lean down and kiss him softly. “Stop.” You kiss him again, “You’re here now.”
“But I could have been here,” Bucky grumbles, letting his hands slide down along your back and under your shirt. “Could have been with you.”
“It’s going to happen.” You reply, and Bucky hates how easily you push your own needs aside.
“No more,” His fingers scratch gently against your skin. “Be here every night and weekends. Maybe we can go bug Steve before he comes back.”
You chuckle, wiggle your hips against him, “Will see. He’s been swamped, worked both weekends.”
Bucky’s hands go down to find your hips, feeling the soft cotton of your underwear. “Going to give him a talking too. Working too much, while his beautiful wife is curled up with his boyfriend.”
That gets a laugh out of you, making his heart swell. “He’d probably like that, you getting all bossy on him.”
“I am filing that away for later. Always the quiet ones,” He teases, squeezing your hip a little. “I did get my tests done.”
You lean up again, eyebrows raised. “I did too. Got the third degree from my Doctor.”
“Seriously? Mine didn’t even blink. What does that say about me?”
“That your doctor isn’t nosy. He thought I was stepping out on Steve, or Steve was to me.”
“Well, he’s half right.”
“I wasn’t going to tell him that. Not yet.”
“Not yet? Wait until we actually have a date?”
You snort and rest your head against his chest. “What dates you planning, Mr. Barnes?”
“Thinking this weekend. Go into Manhattan, go down to one of those fancy restaurants. Maybe buy you something nice to wear.” Bucky grins. The thought of taking you out makes his stomach clench.
“Gonna spoil me,” You chuckle, letting out a content sigh. “Don’t need to do all-”
He presses a finger against your lips, stopping you. “Not-uh, none of that. I know Steve would do the same. Let me spoil you, too.”
Ducking your head, you let out a small breath. "Okay, I can deal with that."
Chapter 9
Author note: I will keep diving into harder topics, mostly to do with day to day life things and how their relationship grows and changes
