#my clearing

[aprilfoolfrog]

My Clearing #16

Today in my clearing,

I sit in the center.

Legs crossed in the grass-

warm breeze on my neck.

The air brings a thickness;

temperature uncontrolled.

I pull at the grass next to me

in an attempt to keep my hands busy.

I want to flick my lighter

and smell that intoxicating scent

but it's good that I don't.

While giving my lungs a break

is a fantastic motive,

they are also here.

I try to make it a habit

not to smoke in front of them.

The little one doesn't care,

as she's just happy to see me.

The older one asks me to share.

She gets frustrated when I say no.

She grew up too fast

and doesn't think it's a big deal

but it is.

Besides, she isn't supposed to start yet.

I don't like setting a bad example;

even if we are the same person.

The little one is jumping in the stream,

(she loves to play with water)

while the teenager talks to me about boys.

She tells me about her crush in English class

and I listen,

as if I don't know how it goes.

He has wheelies, a wallet chain

and hair that falls to his neck.

Her taste doesn't change.

The thought of that

brings a smile to my lips.

She asks me what I think of him.

I tell her:

Wheelies are fucking cool.

She beams at me and continues

to gush about him.

The little one squeals with delight

while she splashes in the water.

"hey guys!" She calls.

"the waters fine!"

Do you think she wants us to swim?

I ask the teenager with a laugh.

She shrugs and stays in her spot.

"come on!" The little one calls.

I stand up and hold my hand out

for the teenager.

Do you want to swim with me?

She ponders for a moment, deep in thought

before taking my hand

and standing up.

We walk to the stream

hand in hand

to go swim with the little one.

She laughs with delight

and splashes the teenager-

who dunks her in return.

They try to pull on my arms and legs

because I laughed at them.

Though I do not budge,

I am too big.

Written by AprilFool 🐸

4/13/2026

[aprilfoolfrog]

My Clearing #14

Today in my clearing,

I stand face to face

with the current version of my brother.

We stand under my favorite tree-

face to face six feet apart.

The air is cold;

skies are grey

and winds are strong.

I am secure in a deep violet turtle neck sweater.

We say nothing.

My mouth is dry.

My stomach is stone.

He smiles at me as he keeps my gaze.

My heart is pounding rapidly-

I can feel it in my ears.

He says something I don't hear.

I shake my head and turn away,

wishing to disappear.

This is supposed to be my safe space;

why was he here?

I blink and everything changes.

The wind has stopped.

We are sitting in the center of my clearing,

tucked in with the daisies.

We stay facing each other-

now we are sitting cross crossed

still six feet apart.

The smile remains on his face.

He puts his hands up,

palms facing me

as if to show innocence or surrender.

I don't change my stance;

needing to hold on to my tune.

I blink again

and he's no longer here.

He's now that little boy

I used to know.

His eyes were bright

and his smile toothless.

He looked to be about six years old.

I did smile at him this time.

This version is not the same.

He still looks at the world in wonder.

He still held an open mind.

We both stand up

and he rushes over-

throwing his arms around me.

I return his hug

and hold him tight.

"I love you." His tiny voice echos out.

My breath catches in my throat

as tears well up in my eyes.

"I love you too."

Written by AprilFool 🐸

2/22/2026

[aprilfoolfrog]

My Clearing #17

Today in my clearing,

I hold myself.

It is not the little one

nor the teenager

that seek my comfort.

She is twenty two at most

and doesn't know real from fake.

She had recently faced

the most traumatic thing

to have ever happened to her.

The fall killed her,

nearly took her out for good.

Though she is a fighter

with the unwillingness to give up.

We are stubborn as can be-

every version of us.

We always climb back out.

We always get back up.

We come back from our worst falls.

I hold her and I can feel it:

The pain in her head

as it bounced off the ground.

The ache in her back

as she hit every step

on the way down.

The worst part wasn't actually

the fatphobic paramedic, the head injury,

or how the hospital handled it.

It was the pool of laundry detergent

that her hand rested in.

She felt it for weeks-

with skin already dry as can be;

they became red and flaky.

It fell when she did.

She threw it as she tumbled forward

but the bottle busted up when it

made contact with the cement flooring

and she swam in the blue liquid.

Recovery time was harder.

She couldn't lay flat on the bed.

Bruised ribs are worse

than a bruised ego.

She sat upon an electric recliner

and slowly laid back.

She felt heavy,

like an elephant sat on her chest.

She watched the fish swim in their tank-

they were her only comfort.

She had night terrors

and was angry.

Probably the angriest she ever had been.

Why did she have to face this trauma?

Why couldn't she stay dead?

Everything was bright and loud and hurt.

Oh, did it hurt.

So now I hold her while she sobs

and offer to help her shower.

I'll wash her hair and scrub her back

and she won't have to lift a single finger

or bend her poor bruised body for a thing.

She doesn't need to do this

all on her own.

She has support,

even if it is just me.

I know why she is here;

what lesson we're trying to teach.

(what compassion we are giving)

She struggled to heal and survive;

to carry a heavy body

on shaky feet.

She lost her home,

some belongings,

and was less responsible with money.

She was scared and didn't know what to do.

I am not repeating history,

though it sure does rhyme.

I am better with money management,

though never seem to have any of it.

(perhaps I'm lying to myself)

I no longer have a car,

which also means

I don't have stable income.

I can make money while I use Mom's car,

but I can't always use it.

She has a life and a job and-

I'm getting off track.

It's okay to ask for help.

Younger me tightens her grip around me,

giving me a squeeze.

I keep my arms light and limp,

not wanting to cause her pain.

We will be okay.

She knows what I'm going through;

I helped her, she'll help me too.

We don't ever have to face

these things alone.

Even if roofless, or carless,

within myself-

I will always have a home.

Written by AprilFool 🐸

4/28/2026

[aprilfoolfrog]

My Clearing #13

The sun is shining bright.

It feels warm on my flesh.

Today, we turned my clearing

into a beach.

It resembles the lake

I used to swim in as a kid,

with family.

The little one and the teenager

swim together while I lounge on the shore.

My hair is up and I am engrossed in a book.

I am able to tune them out,

until they start calling for me.

I let out a sigh and close the book.

It's sweet, but I want to read.

"Come swim!!" They call in unison.

I couldn't help but smile.

I set my book on the towel,

and took off my sunglasses.

I gently placed them on top of the book

before standing up and walking to the water.

They squealed and cheered

as I approached,

pumping their fists into the air.

I wasn't fully waist deep,

when the little one jumped

onto my back.

She squealed with laughter

as she wrapped her arms around me.

The teenager was genuinely smiling.

She splashed at us-

causing us to team up and chase her.

We ended the day by a large bonfire.

Roasting weenies and making s'mores.

The teenager and I share music,

while the little one rests on my lap.

I absentmindedly play with her hair.

We feel close.

Inseparable.

Written by AprilFool 🐸

2/15/2026

[aprilfoolfrog]

My Clearing #10

Today in my clearing,

I am just a girl.

I am ageless.

I am...just me.

I just am.

I feel one

with myself.

We are all here,

focused.

Taking the stillness

of the air and

breathing it into our lungs.

I feel one with the earth.

I focus on grounding

myself.

The world is heavy;

it is only the first week

of the new year.

Same old shit,

but escalating.

I come here to escape.

It helps me to

take a step back

from reality

and have a safe place.

Written by AprilFool 🐸

1/8/2026

[aprilfoolfrog]

My Clearing #6

Today in my clearing,

I am joined by two tiny people.

One of them is the little version of me.

This one is around ten years old.

Joining us-

is our brother.

This version of him is six.

His two front teeth are missing.

They stand side by side-

holding hands as little me drags him

along the stream to pick up cool rocks

and pick a bunch of daisies.

She wants us to make flower crowns later.

Which means I will be making them.

Kids, am I right?

I walk barefoot in the grass;

following behind them to carry the things

that they find.

They are giggling and getting along.

They are still innocent and young.

Today in my clearing,

my heart splits in two.

This version of me comes to the realization

that things will never be this way again.

They will live on in this clearing

and that has to be enough.

"Hey," I speak softly to him as

he hands me a rock.

"I love you."

He gives me a huge toothless grin

and throws his tiny arms around me.

I hold him tight;

I don't ever want to let go.

"I love you too."

I hold on to the sound of his tiny voice.

Here, I believe him.

Written by AprilFool 🐸

12/9/2025

[aprilfoolfrog]

My Clearing #5

Today in my clearing,

I lay in the soft scratchy grass.

My eyes are closed

and the sun feels warm on my skin.

I am wearing that white dress

that I am so fond of in my memories.

I wish I had it in real life;

one day.

I run my finger tips over the tattoo

on my upper left thigh-

just above my knee.

It displays a rotary phone

alongside lyrics from Billy Joel's Vienna.

It is my favorite tattoo so far.

It brings me as much comfort as the song does.

I soak up the sunlight like I am

one of the daisies I lie next to.

I too am still blooming.

I must be patient.

Written by AprilFool 🐸

12/8/2025

[aprilfoolfrog]

My Clearing #15

Today I am in the back yard

of my childhood home.

I am not with another version of me.

I am another version.

Nine years old.

Wild hair, a pure heart,

and a toothless grin.

Creative and imaginative;

just a few weeks shy

of ten years old.

I'm outside in the back yard.

The spring air is warm

with an offering of a cool breeze.

My mom made me wear a jacket.

My boots splash in the mud.

Most of the backyard

is a big empty space.

Square and grassy

with a large circle of wet dirt

in the center.

There's where our pool goes.

A blue blow up pool.

A big one.

We put it up every may.

At the very back of the yard,

is a short incline made of

dirt and rocks.

That served as the home

for various trees and swinging vines.

A plastic little tikes playhouse

hides in-between them.

It was a gift from a neighbor.

I wanted it back there-

in the woods.

That's what I called it.

My own personal forest.

A small crevice full of bugs

and leaves.

A vine swoops just a few inches

above the ground.

I jump up on it,

gripping the tree branch above me

with tiny hands.

I swing myself back and forth.

I could do that for hours.

I did do that for hours.

I'd play pretend.

I'm safe here.

Mom and dad leave me alone

for the most part.

I pick up the large,

heavy rocks and inspect

the underside.

I observe the worms.

I pick up a roly-poly

and delicately place it

in the palm of my hand.

I gently place him back

and jump down from the steep incline.

When my feet hit the ground-

I am nineteen.

The empty circle of mud

is replaced with a large grey pool.

Permanent.

The cool is covered poorly with a dark tarp.

I observe the dead leaves floating

on the surface.

I fish one out with bare hands.

The water is cold on my skin.

I hold the leaf between my index finger

and thumb.

I twirl it around

before throwing it into the wind.

I turn around to face the incline.

It is overgrown.

Hasn't been trimmed or maintained

in years.

The playhouse is old and filthy-

overrun by spiders and tree branches.

I attempt to walk back up the incline.

It is steep and difficult

with the overgrown brush.

I fight my way inside;

crouching and moving branches

to comfortably do so.

I reach my favorite tree,

the one with the hanging vine.

I take a seat on it-

placing a hand on each side

for support.

I close my eyes and let the breeze devour me.

When I open them,

I am twenty nine.

Just a few weeks shy

of my thirtieth birthday.

The yard is bare and open.

My woods are not overgrown,

they are hardly there.

The little tikes house is gone.

The pool remains,

now with a wooden deck surrounding it.

Part of the yard is closed off

so my brother's dog can't reach this part.

I run my hand over the tree next to me.

I focus on the feeling of the rough bark

on my soft skin.

Thank you. I whisper.

for being a part of my childhood.

A sigh escapes my lips

as I wipe a single tear off of my cheek.

"You'll never be ten again." My mom's voice rings.

I don't want to be. I want my trees.

Written by AprilFool 🐸

3/12/2026