Something intresting about being genderqueer/nonconforming in a very gendered culture (in my experience) is that you unlock so much more of your culture
Like I'll see a Russian clothing item/song/dance and think, it's too bad I can't do that/wear that becuase I'm not a 'boy' tm, and then I remember gender is made up and I can do whatever the hell I want forever
A comic with some information on Tourette Syndrom and my experiance with it! Thought I’d spread a little info since it’s been on my mind more than usual lately
My (probably too personal) discovery of Asexuality
Hum... I shared this with an Ace Blog... but then I thought about it and decided I'll just post it on my own blog... it's not like I shared it anonymously and... nothing said I couldn't post it on my blog... plus they might not post it anyway... (its a little edited from what I shared with them but essentially the same) and I guess I'm just stalling...
“Asexuality is a neglected side of sexuality that I wish I’d known about when I was much MUCH younger.“
Anyway I want to share my experience... if that's okay...
WARNING: Mentions of sex, light mentions of masturbation and molestation
I was 26 when I first heard the term Asexual. I wish I’d heard it sooner… When I did find it though it was such a relief. I wasn’t alone, and I wasn’t broken.
When I was growing up I loved the idea of falling in love. I saw the princes always was happiest after finding her prince. The happy always came at the end when everyone found their true love.
Not only that but there were messages everywhere about not wanting to die alone- about how pathetic one is if they can’t get a boyfriend/girlfriend. How incomplete life is without love.
I never thought about it too much beyond wanting to fall in love and wanting to have a family… I guess I should have known something was a little wired about me when my focus was on getting a good job so I could support "future family" and not on what kind of father would I want my kids to have…
I guess I figured I’d fall in love and that would sort itself out- because I figured the first part of finding love was falling. I didn’t know there was more to it than that… kids media gleefully skipped over any and all things regarding sexual attraction- and when I did watch more adult themed shows the concept flew over my head. It just looked like people found each other through some force of nature. That they kissed and they just new… (Might blame Back to the Future for that one…)
When I was in middle school I remember, while sitting in the library during lunch (as I spent most of my time during that period of my life) I was suddenly surrounded by a group of girls. “Who do you like?” One asked me. (She was a bully to me but contrarily often stood up for me when others would bully me… it was a strange thing) I blinked pulled from my book- I don’t remember which book- but I remember looking at the eager faces. Not really understanding why they were all there… now that I think about it I’m lucky they weren’t looking to pull one of the stunts of forced confessions or fake mutual attraction. My sister told me of how a group had told her that one of her crushes liked her and when she went to talk to him his response was not kind.
Whatever their intentions I answered honestly. “I don’t like anyone.”
“Lier.” Was my bully’s blunt response.
For some reason that really hurt. More than any of the teasing I got back then. It was the start of me questioning myself. Wondering what attraction meant… and why I wasn't… I ended up just naming someone random and they giggled and teased me before running off. I was flustered unsure of what had just happened.
Another incident I remember not too long after this was with my sister. She was super into The Backstreet Boys because her friends were into them… she had a huge poster and everything. One day she pulls down the poster and drags me over. “Who do you think is hotter?” She asks. I stared at the picture.
They were all guys and all dressed very similarly. By this time I’d ruminated on the incident in the library… because being an anxious child I worried about everything constantly. I had a good memory for conversations and events. I would run the days conversations over and over in my mind before I fell asleep agonizing over how embarrassing I was or how horrible I was.
So yes, I’d thought about that incident more than once. So as I looked over the poster I mentally told myself I just need to pick the guy I think is cutest. I got frustrated and my eyes fell on Nick. He was the only blond one. He stood out. I was about to point to him- because at this time I didn’t know any of their names- when my sister put her finger on him and said. “You can’t pick Nick though, I like him.”
I frowned. Well, that got rid of the easy choice. So I went with the guy with the gages in his ears because I thought they were cool looking. She told me his name was AJ. Honestly… I never could, no matter how many days I stared at that poster, I never could figure out who I thought was cuter.
I thought maybe there might be something wrong with me, but we had had those classes. The ones that talk about changes in your body and I’d remembered that in the video we’d watched that it said that as we grew older that our bodies would change and that our way’s of thinking of boys would change. “I’m just a late bloomer.” I thought. “I’ll like boys someday.”
I kept thinking this… and then I focused on school. “I’ll worry about boys when I graduate. I won't have time to think about boys when I need to study. I’ll have time after school.” I thought this as I started college. Telling myself I was being responsible. Telling myself that it was reasonable. My aunt bought me a box of condoms saying I'd need them in college and I ended up giving them to my younger brother…
In actuality, these thoughts of I’ll deal with boys after school was just me dodging the growing panic of “I’m older- my teen years are coming to an end and I’m still not finding anyone hot.”
I liked a few people aesthetically- but I always was attracted to the hairstyle or the clothes… I knew that I wasn’t attracted to the person… no matter how much I tried to force it.
I was able to play this “I’m being responsible card” for a while… but as I got deeper and deeper into my twenties I started to freak out more. I still wouldn’t admit to myself that I was freaking out… but I was. Women, even late bloomer’s, development, as far as I knew, stopped at pretty much age 22(and I was pushing that mark to the oldest I could rationalize even if I refused to do the research to verify it). I was not finding any boys attractive.
I hadn’t known about gay attraction until high school. My sister had some gay friends… I’d learned that one of my cousins identified as a lesbian… but my family overall was not very kind to the idea.
Now my mom was fine with it… I’ve never heard her say anything negative about such relationships. Helk, even my stepdad was awkwardly accepting of my sister's friends. My cousin's aunts and uncles on the other hand… not so much. That cousin I mentioned- other than having other struggles was often ridiculed for her love interest. (She was my favorite cousin growing up- and learning that about her did not change my opinion on that- even if I didn’t really know a lot about what it meant. Love was love.)
So I decided if guys don’t catch my interest… maybe girls might? I’ve never really looked. Much shyer on that side of things… and much more hesitantly I started to question whether or not I may be lesbian… I also just wondered if I just needed to experience sex first. This was what people my age did.
The only problem… I wasn’t really interested in doing it with anyone. Hell, I even started to wonder if maybe it wasn’t that I didn’t find anyone attractive but that maybe I just found everyone attractive. (Trust me… I probably would have had a much harder time focusing if this were the case) I felt like I needed to know someone if I wanted to try sex though.
Income the ex-boyfriend from High school. Now our story is crazy so I won't get into it… but I love him even now… I’m just very bad at showing it and I’m pretty sure he probably thinks I’m crazy now…
Why?
Well, he knew I was shy. He knew I was a bit adverse to sex… and he knew a few other things about me… that I may or may not touch on later. See… this was like our third or fourth time dating… I get a little confused with how to count the high school shenanigans… but I decided this time I was going to do my best to be a good girlfriend. I had developed an emotional attachment to him. It was the closest to an attraction I'd ever gotten.
So I did what I thought I was supposed to do. “We’re adults.” I thought, and I’d come to learn that marriage was just paper and stupidity so I wasn’t hung up on that like I was when I was a teen… so I thought "I need to have sex with him."
I forced myself. I probably gave him blue balls more than once… I was awful. I tried so hard, but I just could never actually get that far… The further we went the more I just closed off.
I was so upset- and I was also divided between him and school… and I think I was confusing him… So he broke up with me… and I just accepted it… I didn’t fight it… which I’ve played the scene over and over and I just wonder if I’d fought it… would he have… stayed with me?
I think he’s happy now with the girl he’s with now… though I haven’t really talked to him in years… and I haven’t even checked their social media…
I ruined one of my best friendships and the closest thing I’d ever had to a real relationship… because I was trying to fix myself…
I know now that I was just hurting myself. A relationship is about more than sex… I hear it’s got a lot to do with communication… I haven’t really had a relationship sense though so what do I know.
After we broke up I was in denial on a lot of fronts after that. In denial about how much it hurt that we didn’t work out. In denial about how I felt about all of it. Still trying to figure out what was wrong with me… until one day months later I found a post on Tumbler talking about Asexuality.
I immediately had a feeling of… whoa… this is me. I quickly started digging and learning everything I could about it. At the time there was a lot of hate going around on Tumblr about Asexuality not being apart of the LBGTQ community… about them not being oppressed. I didn’t know anything about any of it… so I had no say.
You’d think finding the community would have made me better… would have left me feeling like “Yes, I’ve found my people and I’ve learned to accept who I am now.”
No.
Yes, I felt this feeling of acceptance in me and this realization that maybe there wasn’t anything wrong with me… but then… I began to wonder if I really knew…
It was just a continuation of the same self-doubt and uncertainty I had from before. If only I actually had succeeded in sex maybe I’d actually know…
I read a lot learning about all sorts of sexuality's not just asexuality- that made me feel more confident about being asexual though. Even the fact that you don’t have to have sex to know… and freshly new to the title and still wanting a second opinion I turned to my dad. Because he knows a lot and I see him as fairly knowledgeable.
He’d never heard of Asexuality… so I tried to explain the little that I knew and he said. “Why don’t you just claim celibacy then?” I don’t know why but this statement really offended me…
“I just… It’s not about not having sex-“ I wasn’t able to explain anything… the conversation ended with me feeling frustrated and still uncertain…
I continued to read… I found some frustrating articles like one that did a study on rats saying that Asexuality was a sign of overpopulation… and basically saying its a sign of social sickness… This did not help me with how I still felt like I was broken... even if knowing I wasn’t alone was helping with that. Then there were common statements that sex will fix it. Continued arguments over whether or not Asexuals are oppressed. I don’t know if I’m qualified to say that it is or isn’t… but it sure is overlooked… which is a form of neglect.
If anything… From my experience, I think I can say without a doubt that sex has nothing to do with it at all. Even if I do reach a point where I am confirmable with sex it will never fix my attraction issue. I’m just not sexually attracted to others…
I liked to think if I found the right partner and sex was something they wanted that I would be able to provide it- even if I don’t personally enjoy it…(and yes I’ve tried masturbating- and even though it seems to release stress I’m not really a fan) Overall, I’ve come to the conclusion that I just might not like sex, and that’s okay.
Now… I came across a lot of “Who hurt you stories.” The counter-argument being no one had to hurt me to be this way… and honestly, that whole thing got to me too because… maybe it was because I was hurt…
When I was very young I was forcibly molested by a fellow student. I wondered a lot about whether this had anything to do with being asexual but the more I think about how I grew up and the lack of attraction and how hard I’ve tried to force it-- because that’s what’s expected of me-- because sex is supposed to be this great thing… the more I realize that it wouldn’t have mattered. With how much I wanted to run away and get married as a kid- with how many boys I kissed even after the whole ordeal with the jerk- I would have… if I could have…
I know I have a capacity to love. I love my family I love my friends… I am pretty sure I’m demiromantic and I’ve recently learned about cupioromantic and that might be a possibility as well… but it’s just… so disheartening to know that my childhood built up this dream that I just can’t follow… maybe… someday I’ll find someone who’s fine with just cuddling and maybe I’ll grow to be comfortable with being closer… but right now I just can’t help but wish I’d stumbled across Asexuality sooner. That I’d known it was a thing.
It’s such an invisible community… I was 26 before I found it… and I’m turning 29 this year, and I’m starting to accept it as apart of who I am. I’m still learning about what it means to be asexual, and how I mesh with others and what this means for dating…
So to sum up. Asexuality is a neglected side of sexuality that I wish I’d known about when I was much MUCH younger. Asexuality has nothing to do with sex itself. And I’m super glad that I’m not alone… I know this is kind of a blunt and very open story… but I felt like for this community… I haven’t seen anyone talk about the sex vs attraction in a way that clearly separated the two… and I thought… if I could share my experience… maybe… it might help another lost soul…
I think it’s time for me to share the wondrous experiences that occurred on July 18th, 2015. Okay so my friend and I went to see Hamilton on Broadway, and normally I’m not a huge fan of musicals...but this...this is different.
This show, without a doubt, was a masterpiece. Like I honestly have no words to accurately describe it’s amazingness. The wordplay, the flow of the movement and dance routine, the music, the acting, it was breathtaking. It made you laugh out loud, cry, and shiver all at the same time. It was the fastest 3 hours of my life.
Anyway, so that day Obama happened to come to that show as well. Seeing him in the flesh, like not on a screen, was amazing all by itself. And at the end of the show, I was able to speak to Lin, since he didn’t play Hamilton in this show. And OH MY GOD THAT MAN IS SO NICE.
PLEASE if you can go see it, do it. I SWEAR you will never regret it. It was truly a site to behold
I came to the Abraham Hicks material after years of reading non-fiction books trying to find ways to get the most out of life. The deeper I got the more it all started to say the same thing. Everything is energy. The external world is a reflection of what’s going on on the inside. And you have absolute power to create the life you want.
Abraham does the best job of summing it all up in the…
Well, me and a friend wanted to hear some stories from MCP and them at school and we went on YT and watched some and then we got onto BEN DROWNED and it was half way through the video, BEN's face was there and it suddenly just stopped and the thing went all staticy. It was our creepypasta experience which creeped the heck out of us since the other computers worked perfectly and the one we used just stopped. It was cool but weird
