#my mindreader

[leif-is-life]

Mentally I'm a mess now.

I keep thinking that I need to do something nice for him now to "make it right again/make up for it again". I try to come up with something he might like, but can't really.

At the same time I know this is dumb. I did nothing wrong, but I feel like it.

I felt bad, I was overthinking and panicking after sending it and while I waited for his reaction. And then I made a big deal out of it and was upset and kept him from sleep. Arg what a mess I made again.

He doesn't deserves this mess.

...

I know he said it was all ok.

I know he cares about me.

I know he loves me.

He knows and understands I struggle mentally and just overall. He stayed through all my sh1t.

...

Okay.

I don't need to make it up.

I don't need to feel guilty and sorry and be so sad.

It's just trauma. Or a messy mental state.

It'll be okay.

It is okay.

5 hours and you'll say good morning.

You have 5 hours to calm down and just be, to clear your mind and shake it off.

[leif-is-life]

Crying is often seen as bad or weak, but you car try to either romantasize it or maybe see it from a different perspective.

I am crying, cause I miss him. That could be seen as bad or sad, but if we think about it, I am crying, cause I love him so much and I feel so deeply for him, that I am crying. It shows how strong my love for him is and that is beautiful.

I love you, my Mindreader. And I really miss you.

[leif-is-life]

Maybe I'm feeling this now, cause I think I'm not enough, I'm not right, I'm not valid like this,...

Maybe I'm feeling this now, cause I tried to lie to everyone and myself. To hide parts of me.

Maybe I'm feeling like this now, cause I'm mourning and grieving. Grieving the old days, when I was unaware and naive. Young and more carefree. Or grieving who I could have been and could be now, would I have had the chance to be brave enough and they would have believed me.

But I know, even though that chance is barely there and it doesn't matters, cause that didn't happen, would it happeed, I would not be here like this now and it breaks my heart to imagine my life without him.

I miss you, my Mindreader.

I wish you could hold me now.

I miss you so much. My soul hurts.

[leif-is-life]

Hihihi 😈😇🤭

[leif-is-life]

He said to me...we make a deal. We both will make it to 30.

No idea why I'm thinking about this today and no idea why I'm disagreeing with him.

I think I'm just overwhelmed and sad today, that's all. I probably don't really mean it. Afterall I have hopes and dreams. My Mindreader.

I miss him. I yearn for him so much.

If he would help make it easier for me. Make a plan. I tried to bring the topic up a few times. It always ends there. Does he really wants to see me? Does he really wants me there with him?

I'm doing it all wrong. Today I should shut up. I already said to much and I will regret saying more.

[leif-is-life]

I'm so so happy right now. He makes me so happy. He is so sweet. I love this. I love him. I feel so good. 🥰🥰

[leif-is-life]

Goooooooooooooo....is he sweeeeeeeet.

*melts into a smiling puddle

[leif-is-life]

He's so sweet.

And he just pulled me out of my thoughts and my anger.