Turning page.
Not gonna lie I don’t write much on her unless it’s about my relationship. Although that is still a work in progress we are both always learning and I don’t think i’m going to bring that to my page anymore. That’s one of my turning pages. I made another one a couple of months ago saying goodbye to my best friend, and i’m making the last one right now.
In term of my relationship there will never be a turning page, and i’m going to try my very best from now on to make sure we are only opening new chapter and not closing any.
So my last turning page is this. A friendship. See, everyone around me is telling me to take more time to think about it or if i’m really sure in my decision, but i’m not. I know this is going to hurt, I know I don’t want to end this friendship, but i’m tired of giving someone my everything when they don’t care to receive it. It’s always me that’s left with all of this sadness and emptiness, the other person always has an infinite amount of friends that can easily replace me, but I never do. And that is what keeps me hanging on. Eventually I do get over it, but god it takes everything out of me.
During my time i’ve lost about 5 major close friends that have never looked back or doubted their decision about losing me. I can remember and collectively tell you how each and every one of them went down. Sometimes they still replay in my head, and sometimes I think “what if’. But I can’t keeping thinking “what if” because these are all possibilities that I made up. I keep forgetting that they are different than me and they don’t think, or feel, or empathize they way I do. My “what ifs” will never be theirs.
What I do remember is, after friendships are lost I eventually found someone else to replace them. But, they were never enough for me. Everyday I yearn for a life-long friendship with someone, someone who knows me fully for my whole life, and most importantly will never leave me.
I put too much faith and expectations on people that when they start drawing outside the lines it’s like talking to a new person. I never expect it. But you never really know someone anyways and even if you think you do, chances are you’re wrong and they WILL surprise you.
This is my surprise, this is my turning page.
I might need more time to think about my decision but respect, and most importantly trust is everything to me. Once mine is broken.. Chances are you’re never fully getting it back. And to be honest, 1 and a half years later, and she still has not fully gained it back. That’s how important it is to me.
Some people are just not meant for you, some people just don’t care but that’s not your fault and it’s not mine either. You can tell yourself that you don’t care and you’re used to it by now, but truthfully, you’re never really used to ending a friendship. You just get better at recovering from them.
I’m going to take this time and recover. I don’t need closure, and I don’t need another phone call arguing about the situation. Those will only slow me down and make me start over. I need peace. I need to not worry about where some people stand. I just need to worry about where I stand and what I want to do.
If they care they will always come back.
Best,
Ro.
