BTW, I love writing sex-headcanons for my cis straight ships and even like, love talking about what they do, how they do it, what kinks and all this. I just don’t like playing it out. But I happily write anything leading up to sex and even more the after situations.
EDIT
I added “cis” because I mainly find myself struggling with like, the cis straight smut settings because it’s too close to my own sexuality and I feel most comfortable when it’s full on fictive? If that makes sense. And I am a straight cis girl with a demisexual sexlife, so I honestly feel most comfortable with d*ck against d*ck smut :´) It’s the most fictional for me
Warnings; depression, strong language, use of alcohol, and maybe drugs.
- Pairing: mxm | best friends, bandmates, Taehyung x Jimin.
- Genre: angsty, depression
- Rating: 18+
Description: Jimin and Taehyung are childhood best friends who got to achieve dreams together and debut in a group called BTS. the group got popular and it ended up effecting their health, the only choice they had left was to disband or to keep going until their knees gave up from underneath them. Taehyung and Jimin always promised to stick together no matter what happens. But the disband took a big toll on Taehyung, becoming depressed and pushing everyone away. one day, suddenly disappearing from Jimin’s life without a trait.
In the year 2017, the K-pop group BTS became the sudden talk of everyone.
The popularity was raising. the fanbase was growing. from the beginning of their debut in 2013, they achieved many goals, but not like 2017. they were just finishing up the WINGS TOUR as they got the news they have been invited to the billboard music awards and that only caused their fame to skyrocket. the achievements kept coming.
"K-Pop Superstars BTS Will Attend 2017 Billboard Music Awards /.../ BTS was able to overtake pop superstars like JB and SG and capture the Top Social Artist award.."
"BTS make K-pop history by being the first Korean act to break into the top 10 of the Billboard 200, spurring fans on to get it higher."
"BTS confirmed their AMA’s performance, their first American award show performance /.../ BTS performed DNA at the AMAs, their first American award show debut! "
"BTS appear on ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live!’ Whilst the group was in LA they hosted a mini-concert for the fans and performances from that show were later aired. BTS also surprised their fans and their mums. "
"BTS appear on ‘The Late Late Show’ hosted by James Corden. They perform DNA live and play one of James’ games ‘Flinch’ "
"BTS got to No. 10 of the Billboard Year-End Artist of the Year chart"
The numbers kept skyrocketing as the numbers of the fanbase growing and records kept breaking, going to country to country, city to city, award show to award show, trophy after trophy, they kept growing, growing, growing…
But nobody seemed to wonder how the boys were doing, everyone was too focused on all the achievements to stop and think if the boys were okay, nobody did wonder how all of this sudden fame is making these boys feel. Nobody stopped and thought about their health, they only kept trying and trying to get them to break more records, to get them on award shows, wanting them to release more songs, constantly asking a member to drop a mixtape, not stopping to realize that their health has been affected, how tired, how stressed they were.
And it all started like this... at the start of 2018
—
Jimin was laying on the couch, playing on his Nintendo switch when he heard his phone next to him go off, he ignored it and continued playing until his bandmate Taehyung came into the room "get ready, Hyung needs us at the office" he demanded, letting his Daegu accent slip out. Jimin farrows his eyebrows as he picks up the phone and unlocks the screen, his thumb pressing down as he reads the messages in the group chat
Just another group meeting on the upcoming album, Jimin thought as he scurried to his bedroom and began to get ready. He grabs a coat and heads down to Taehyung’s room as he fixes his hair, he stands at the doorframe as he fixes the last bit of his hair “ready?” the young one asks with a smile, Taehyung grabs a mask and makes his way to the door “let’s go Jiminie” his famous box smile appears as he makes his way out with Jimin following behind. They get outside as they notice a van, one of their managers was already waiting for them. They hop in quickly trying to avoid the cold weather.
After 20 minutes, they arrive at the studio building and rush inside, not wanting to upset Namjoon for being late. They were greeted by Seokjin and Jungkook who were going the same way, heading upstairs to the office. “Does anybody know why Hyung wants us in the office?” the maknae asks, Jimin shrugs “probably just another meeting about the upcoming album.” Seokjin shakes his head with a sigh, knowing the truth “that’s not it.” they make their way upstairs, heading down the hallway “what is it then?” Tae asks softly “you’ll know when we get to the office,” Taehyung, Jungkook and Jimin worriedly look at each other in silence as they continued walking. They make it the end of the hallway where the main office was located on the left. All three of the boys walk inside to see their managers alongside the members too, “come in, sit” Bang Sihyuk said with a small smile. The boys take their seats, Jimin turns to Yoongi who looked tired, he couldn’t see his eyes but he noticed his nose was red, Jimin whispers “whats going on?” the elder takes a deep breath “just stay quiet and listen” he spoke in his Daegu dialect, Jimin got even more worriedly. Knowing his Hyung didn’t let his satoori accent unless he was upset, scared, crying or flustered. Jimin stared at him for a moment before Namjoon started speaking, grabbing his full attention.
“As we spoke about before, our health hasn’t been the best with everything that we are doing” he sighs as he rubs his forehead slowly “we are stressed, we are tired, our bodies are breaking on us, each one of us slowly.” he crosses his arms trying his best to stay strong as he looks at his members. The ones he calls family, home. “And today, Mr. Sihyuk, the other managers and I, decided to call you in and have a talk and make a decision on something” his voice breaks at the same word, he looks away and inhales sharply.
“Hyung, what’s going on?” Jungkook asks.
Hoseok speaks up, his voice raspy
“I think we hit our breaking point and its time” he sighs “for us to disband” Yoongi finishes his sentence.
Jungkook, Taehyung and Jimin look at namjoon with wide eyes
“We hit our breaking point as hoseok said. We are no longer the strong boys we used to be.”
Taehyung shakes his head “no..” he stutters out “we can’t do that, we cant!” he begins to cry “we are strong, we can get through this, Hyung!”
Namjoon looks at his feet “Taehyung” he sighs “the number of times you have collapsed during practice says otherwise” Taehyung tries to find something to back up his words “but that was practice, we make mistakes..” his voice was soft. Seokjin sighs “none of us are okay” he rubs his neck “I lost count of how many times Yoongi has had mental breakdowns, scared for his life when there is a crowd, hurt himself while dancing, he's burned out and not happy anymore. And Hoseok” he looks over at the other “he’s tired of putting on a smile in front of the cameras and the fans, he has lost his true form from hiding behind a mask named JHope” he looks at Jungkook “you constantly put us before yourself and you don’t help yourself until your knees have given out, Jungkook.” Hoseok sighs “the time Jimin collapsed after preforming with Taemin” Jimin looks down. Namjoon nods slowly “the list goes on and this is getting dangerous for the 7 of us, it wasn’t an easy decision for us to make.”
The room is silent, the only thing being heard was sniffles until Jimin spoke up
“We will still be together, right..? Like living together or just still keeping in contact and hanging out, right?”
Yoongi takes a breath of air
“We will go wherever life decides to take us, if we go down different paths, then we go down different paths.”
Taehyung shakes his head as he cries harder before he rushes out of the office, jimin sighs and rushes out to his best friend’s side..
January 14th, 2018
Hello, this is Bighit Entertainment.
After a lot of talk and a lot of struggling with making decisions, it is hard for us to announce this and to decide. As of January 12th, bts has decided to disband after 5 years of being together. The boys thought it was best for them to disband due to their mental state and health. The 7 members apologize for everything and would like to say thank you all for being by their side since 2013. As an agency, we don’t know what the boys will do in the upcoming future and what the future holds in general. It was a truly hard decision to make and we are heartbroken and sorry we had to make an announcement such as this.
Thank you
- BIGHIT ENTERTAINMENT
‘ This may be the end for us, but that doesn't mean it's the end for you. Always continue looking forward and make sure the past doesn't bother the future because the dawn before sunrise is darker than anything else, but the stars you want only appear in the dark. #SUGA ’
‘ you always remain the stars in the sky for us. I will never forget you and the memories we shared within five years. I'm sorry again we had to make this decision but remember we will always love you - Kim Namjoon ’
‘ Hoseok ah and I will always love each and every one of you. we are terribly sorry we had to make such a decision. but please don't be sad Seokjin is always here. ’
‘ Thank you for everything, you all will always remain in my heart and I will never forget you and our memories. I'm sorry to hurt all of you. I'm gonna miss this studio… ’
‘ I will always love you, army. Thank you for all the good fun memories ’
‘ I am so sorry for hurting you all.. I promised everyone that I wouldn't leave you and ended up breaking the promise. we didn't want to do this but I will never forget you. thank you for all the memories we got to share together. I love you #Jimin ’
chapter 1 : finished
AUTHOR’S NOTE: The feedback has been amazing by the few that actually find this story interesting. I’ve decided that every three chapters, I’ll have a preview for the next chapter. Just a little sneak peek to what happens next in the story. Here’s Part III where Big Grayson finally meets Little Grayson.
Also I am so sorry this one took longer than the others did. It got longer than I intended. l
PART III: THE LITTLE GRAYSON MEET BIG GRAYSON
The week had gone by so quickly. You loved working with Lucius again and the kids absolutely loved school. The best thing about being in Gotham was that you had a ton of babysitters, so when Babs called you to have a girl’s day out with you and Bella, Damian jumped at the opportunity to watch John.
“You sure you can handle him, Damian?” you asked as you looked at the teen in front of you, “John can be a handful.”
“We’ll be fine, Y/N,” Damian tried to reassure you, “We’ll have to be at the manor though just in case the titans call me.”
“As long as someone is watching him, you’ll be fine.”
Damian nodded, “I assure you, he’ll be safe. Pennyworth will be there if anything goes wrong.”
John hugged your leg and you smiled at your boy. “I’ll be okay, mama. Uncle Dame is gonna be with me.”
“I’m sure Uncle Tim and Uncle Jay will be there at some point, John,” you laughed, “But you be sure to have fun with Uncle Dame okay?”
John nodded. You helped him into the car Damian had. You couldn’t believe this kid already had his license, but you weren’t surprised. The kid knew how to drive since he was 10 maybe even younger. Now he was 15 and driving himself to school and to any other place. You buckled John into the booster seat and closed the door.
“Drive safe, Damian. You have precious cargo.”
Damian nodded before reversing out of your driveway.
You watched the car disappeared towards the city. You weren’t worried about Damian with your son, you were just worried that Dick might see him.
“He’ll be fine,” Babs said behind you.
You nodded, “Steph and Cassie said they’ll meet us at the café. Bella, are you ready to go?”
You heard tiny footsteps coming behind Babs accompanied with giggles. “All set, mama!” your daughter said with her backpack.
The three of you got into the car and went off to have that needed day out.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
Damian parked in front of the door of the manor and got out of the car. John was rambling all the way to the manor and Damian knew he was gonna have a long day with his nephew.
“Oh wow! Is this papa’s house? It’s so big! Can I go inside? When we’re inside, can I eat candy?” John asked so many questions as Damian got him out of the car.
“Yes this is father’s house and yes you can go inside. And as for candy, we’re gonna eat food first before we eat candy,” Damian answered as the two walked up the stairs to the manor.
Just as they got to the top, the door opened and Alfred was there waiting for them.
“ALFRED!” John shouted as he darted and hugged the butler.
Alfred laughed, “Master John! My, you have gotten so big! Are you excited to play with your uncle?”
John nodded with a huge smile. “Uncle Dame promised me that I was gonna have fun. Is papa home?”
“I’m afraid Master Bruce isn’t home, but Master Time and Master Jason are.”
John jumped up and down. “Uncle Time and Uncle Jay! Yay!”
“And what of Grayson?” Damian asked.
Alfred looked at the young man, “Master Dick is downstairs. He isn’t aware you have a visitor.”
Damian nodded and took John’s hand. “Let’s go little bird, we have a lot of things to do.”
John waved at Alfred as he followed his uncle into the living room. His eyes lit up more when he saw what was in the living room.
“Whoa! It’s the Justice League!” John shouted running to the set of toys Alfred prepared.
John grabbed Superman and Batman and started making them fight. Damian sat down with him and smiled.
“Do you think Batman would beat Superman?” Damian asked.
“Yes!” John laughed, “Batman is smarter than Superman. He’ll beat him no matter what.”
“Even if Superman is really strong?”
“Batman is very strong too! Mama says that Superman can get injured by a green rock.”
Damian laughed, “Kryptonite, yes.”
“See! And Batman is smart enough to make a strong suit so he won’t get hurt.”
“Do my ears deceive me?” John heard a familiar voice, “Is that Johnny boy?” Jason asked coming around the corner.
“UNCLE JAY!” John dropped the toys and ran to Jason.
Jason laughed and picked the boy up and spun him around. “Hey slugger,” he smiled, “What are you doing here?”
“Mama and Bella had a girl’s day out with Aunt Babs and the girls, so Uncle Dame said he’ll watch me.”
“You sure you can handle watching a kid?” Jason looked at Damian.
“Tt,” Damian rolled his eyes, “I can handle watching John. I’ve done it before when I visited Star City while his mother was working.”
“Did I just hear John?” Tim came up to them.
“UNCLE TIM!” John moved out of Jason’s grasp and got down to go to Tim.
Tim laughed, “JOHNNY! Hey brother! Look at you! Where’s Bella Belle?”
“Bella went with mama, so Uncle Dame is watching me.”
“Is he now? What are you guys doing?”
John pulled Tim into the living room and sat him down on the floor. “We were playing Justice League. Uncle Dame didn’t believe me that Batman can beat Superman.”
Tim laughed, “The Big Bat can definitely beat Superman.”
John nodded, “Batman is my favorite. I wanna meet him some day.”
Time looked up at the other two who were smiling at the boy. “I’m sure you’ll meet him one day, Johnny. You live in Gotham now.”
“Really?” John’s heterochromia eyes lit up, “Do you think I’ll meet everyone else? Like Robin and Red Robin?”
Jason laughed as he sat on the couch, “Don’t worry, bud, you’ll see them. You never know they might come around to make sure you, Bella, and mama are safe.”
John nodded before going back to playing with Tim who seemed just as entertained as the little one.
“Hey did you guys see my—oh I didn’t know we had a guest over,” Dick said as he walked into the living room.
It was a surprise to see his brothers all together without any fighting or arguing. But it was even more of a surprise when he saw a little boy on the floor with Tim.
Everyone looked up at Dick and the little boy’s two-colored eyes looked at him with curious eyes.
“Grayson, meet John. John, this is Grayson,” Damian introduced the little boy.
“I’m really called Dick,” Dick laughed as he walked up to the little boy, “Nice to meet you, John.”
John looked at Dick who knelt beside him and shook his hand that Dick put out. “Nice to meet you too. Are you Uncle Dame’s friend?”
Dick smiled, “I’m his brother actually,” Dick turned to his brother. “Whose kid is this? Did Bruce unexpectedly have another kid again?”
“Papa isn’t my dad!” John exclaimed.
Dick’s eyes widen when he heard the kid call Bruce, Papa.
“John is the son of a friend of ours. He just recently moved to Gotham with his mother and his twin sister, so he’s having fun with us while his mom and sister are having a girl’s day out,” Jason answered.
Damian’s phone rang and Damian turned to walk out of the living room to answer. Dick looked at his brother curiously before turning back to John.
“How old are you, bud?” Dick asked.
John put the Superman figure he was holding down to show his fingers. “Five. Me and Bell are the same age, but she’s older.”
“Really?”
John nodded, “Uh-huh.”
Damian hung up the phone before coming back to John. “John, your mama was checking to see if you were okay. Are you hungry?”
John smiled and got up to walk to Damian. He took Damian’s hand. “Let’s go see what Alfred made for me,” He said before pulling the older boy towards the kitchen.
“Whose kid is that?” Dick asked again still watching Damian and John until they disappeared towards the kitchen.
“We already told you, Dick,” Tim answered, “I’m going to check on those two.”
Dick turned to Jason who shrugged and got up to walk to the kitchen. He was confused why his brothers weren’t giving him a straight answer.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
It was a couple of hours before the ladies came to the manor. Damian was playing with John in the living room when they came.
“JOHN!” Bella’s voice echoed as she ran towards her brother. “Mama said we can sleepover here! At Papa’s big house!”
Steph nodded, “Bella convinced her, because they’re bored of their house already. Bruce thought it was a good idea. Me and Cass won’t be going on patrol, we’re on babysitting duty with Alfred.”
“Where’s Alfred?” Bella asked looking around.
“My my my,” Alfred laughed walking into the living room, “Miss Bella, you’ve grown just as much as Master John.”
“ALFRED!” Bella shouted with glee before bolting to the butler and hugging his legs. “Did you hear? Papa and Mama said we can sleepover tonight.”
“I did hear,” Alfred smiled as he knelt down next to the little girl, “I have you and your brother’s room ready for you when it’s time for bed. Miss Cassie and Miss Stephanie will be with you guys whenever I need to get things done. If you’re good enough, they might read you a bedtime story.”
“REALLY?!” John and Bella said in unison.
“We’ll tell you the best bedtime story ever!” Cass exclaimed.
The twins cheered and took hold of both Steph’s and Cass’ hands. They were led up the stairs to a room. The two gasped at the room in front of them.
The room was twice as big as their room at their house. Just like their little room, there was a side for John and a side for Bella.
“Do you like it?” Steph asked with a smile looking down at the twins.
“This is so cool!” John said as he ran into the room and towards his batmobile bed. “Look Bella! I’m Batman!” he said with a giggle.
Bella jumped excitedly where she stood before running to the small play castle. “Mama is going to be so happy that we have a room here!”
Steph and Cass smiled. The two were just about to call the kids back from their room to go down to eat when Steph’s phone rang.
“They’re fine, Y/N,” Steph said as she answered the phone.
“Thank goodness,” you laughed, “Please make sure that they brush their teeth before they go to bed. I’ve messaged Alfred a list of things the twins are allergic to before Damian came to pick John up today.”
“You’re such a mom,” Steph laughed.
“Of course, I am,” you smiled against the phone, “Thanks again for taking them. And tell Bruce I said thank you too okay?”
“Did you want to talk to them?”
“Yes please, I just want to tell them good night.”
“BELLA! JOHN! Your mama wants to say good night,” Steph called out to the twins.
John and Bella ran back towards Steph and took the phone. John was the first to talk. “Good night mama, we love you,” he said.
“I love you too, make sure to tell your sister to brush her teeth okay?”
“I will.”
Bella took the phone, “Mama, you should come to papa’s house sometimes, our room is so cool! I bet your room would be cool too.”
You laughed, “I’m sure it will too. Aunt Steph and Aunt Cassie are going to be watching you two, okay? So, if you have a bad dream or anything, just go to them.”
“Don’t worry mama, we won’t have bad dreams.”
“I love you, Bella Belle. You have fun at Papa’s and then tomorrow we’ll do something just the three of us like before.”
“Okay mama. I love you too! Bye!”
Bella gave the phone back to Steph who smiled. “They’ll be fine, Y/N.”
“I know they will. I wouldn’t have them slept there if I didn’t trust you guys with them,” you sighed even more, “Please just stay close to them okay? Bella has been having some bad dreams lately and I’m worried she might wonder the manor if she can’t find anyone.”
“Cass and I will be sleeping in their room just for extra caution. Have you asked her about it?”
“I have, but she’s reluctant to tell me. Just take care of my babies, okay?”
“We will. You go have some rest. I’m sure you need it.”
“Thanks Steph. I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”
“Night Y/N.”
“Good night,” you said and hung up the phone. You smiled as you walked into your office. You sat down in front of your computer and turned it on.
“Good evening Sparrow, it’s been awhile,” your computer welcomed you.
“Good evening Jupiter, connect me to Oracle please,” you said as you typed your password. You waited until there was a ding.
“It was only a matter of time before you came back,” Babs said with a smile, “What brought this on?”
You knew that you promised yourself to get away from the vigilante life, but you couldn’t help it. You were brought up into the vigilante life.
“The same reason why the Titans are here in Gotham,” you frowned as you opened the file that you’ve been investigating.
“The Hidden Creed.”
AUTHOR’S NOTE: And there’s chapter 3 for you. I hope you guys like it. It was a matter of time for Dick to meet the kids or John at least. If you have any questions about the story, just let me know and I’ll answer them as best I can.
PREVIEW OF CHAPTER 4
“Y/N,” he said in that soft voice that you fell in love with. He said your name so clearly even as the two of you were fighting to rescue the Titans.
“Not now, Nightwing,” you said as you charged into a group of thugs.
This life was yours and his. This life was what you two had in common.
This was the life that started it all.
TAGGING FOR FUTURE CHAPTERS: @personal-crazyfreckledginger @aeciru @amecchii @blackbatandredrobin @buzzinglee
A LETTER TO AMBROSIA’S MOTHER.
THAT SHE WILL NEVER READ.
inspired loosely.
By the time I was four I realized they handed her that same piece of paper every day. Sometimes they go through the task of laminating it, or color coding it in highlighters with tips that have been blended with other pens and for a moment it looks like the sky bleeds through the ink. But the paper is this: on a scale of one to ten, what is your level of pain? One is a smiling face. Ten is a crying cartoon. There isn’t any explanation, or a category of pain. If there are as many minds as there are heads, there must be as many pains as there are injuries, but I don’t question it. Natasha picks seven, always seven. She exists in a constant state of seven. I can almost answer for her. You look at me, push your red hair behind your ear, and nod. Mascara clings to your bottom lash-line, a residue lipstick to your upper-lip. All at once, I am convinced that I’m doing god’s work. When they hand me the paper, I push it away. None. Zero. I smile for good measure. I catch a glimpse of your nod out of the corner of my eye, and hum to myself. Your rumpled collar. Your knees propped against your chest, sandals hanging from your fingertips. There isn’t enough pain in this family for me to share in it.
I’m in second grade when when my teacher, Ms Brandon, reads me a book. Fannie in the Kitchen – I think it was – but I can’t remember and it haunts me. In the story, the main character is listless. Her hair is red like mine and she’s ambitious like me. And her mother is a great baker, who guides her through the kitchen like a dancer on wheels. I was struck by it. My mother never baked, never pried open the oven, never taught me that knives were dangerous and a flame can burn. I learn this on my own. You weren’t a mother who baked. I complain, of course, and I’m pulled by the collar into the kitchen – Natasha is watching television on full blast – and I’m reprimanded for being selfish. You know how hard I’ve been working. How busy I’ve been with Natasha. I’m busy! When I started to cry, a torrent of apologies surging through my tears, you wrap me up in your arms and kiss my head. Be a good girl. I know you are. And I am. I can’t do anything but appease you.
I suppose I am accustomed to being treated with kid gloves. Delicate hands, sallow hearts. The teachers at school know my sister is sick. They forgive my absences. They know that my father is busy. My fatigue is permissible. They know that my mother, whose English steadily improves over the years, doesn’t know any one of them by name but picks me up at the same time every afternoon, and writes me notes in my lunchbox that I tuck into my pocket. I’m treated like a doll by nurses and doctors – they know me to be charming, enthused, an eager pupil. I answer all their questions, I follow them as they present patients. I know Natasha’s medical history by heart. Eight year old presenting with Wilms’ and acute myeloid leukemia, undergoing blood transfusion – it takes me a while to pronounce everything right, and when I do I am rewarded with a room full of smiles. Except you. How could they smile at that? And then I present myself. Because I’m a patient, too, and I’m reminded day in and day out that I’m a blessing. Not one of those ‘accidental babies’ that are born by virtue of whiskey or a quick fuck (you tell me not to say this). Ambrosia Reynolds. Donor. Blood type AB. So when I come home and you are fuming, and you yell at me, and I’m in tears, and you promise me that it isn’t your fault and mommy is just stressed, I react. I don’t know what it is to be treated like something disposable. But you make sure I learn. In the next breath, you tell me I’m blessed. That I’m saving Natasha.
For a few years, you stop picking me up regularly. I count the minutes. Four-thirty. Four thirty-five. The principal asks me where you are. I don’t know. Dad sweeps into the guidance counselor’s office at half past seven. Natasha was sick and had to be taken to the hospital and for a brief, brief moment, you forgot you had to pick me up. But daddy is charming, and he promises it will never happen again. But it does. He shelters my hand in his and braces me to his chest. I am only happy to be found. And then my birthday comes round and we’re in the hospital. Easter follows. Christmas comes and goes. A new year is among us and we’re still in the hospital. Every holiday, the same story. Natasha is always sick. I study at home now. I’m not allowed to have sleepovers at the house, because what if Natasha gets sick? I’m not allowed to play soccer. I play chess and cards, because those won’t mess with the kidney that’s going to Nat when she feels better. But she never feels better.
We’re not allowed to lock doors. In every room there is a sanitation station. You quit your job and Natasha becomes a full time workload and the ladies in the grocery store and daddy’s business associates and their wives snub you. They laugh at your pronunciation, your quick wit but dull grasp of English. Your own mother tells you to give it a rest. Natasha’s vocal chords are laden with the blood she spews out, and she’s pale and deathly. And maybe if it weren’t for you she’d be gone–– we’re not allowed to say dead. But you’re doing it all alone. And I’m lonely, too. For years. My pain doesn’t manifest, so when I cry your palm hits my cheek. My skin is imprinted with your ring.
We have to be stronger than this, Ambrosia. We have to work twice as hard to get what they have.
Pain management is the first thing a patient is taught. When I cry, you close the door to my room, turn out the lights in the hallway knowing I’d be too afraid to walk out. I hate the dark. I am accustomed to light, static and white noise. I sit on the floor, my knees pulled up to my chest, and I learn to manage my pain. It works. I can never tell when you cry. Your nose is never red, your skin never blotchy. But sometimes you lock the door to your room, run a bath, and I can hear you heaving. And you walk out like nothing ever happened, grinning down at me and running your hands through my hair and God, I love you so, so much mommy. Please don’t ever go. And sometimes, just sometimes, when you let me slip between the sheets and cuddle up to you, you wake up in a cold sweat, gripping the rails of the bed like a gun. You never told me. You never told me what you had run from. Why you scream and lash out when I come behind you and hug you and yell boo! You wouldn’t tell me why I couldn’t play with GI-Jane. Why your voice sounds like a war-cry.
When you call me sweetheart and strap me in a car seat and tell me we’re going to get ice-cream I’m surprised. I am delighted that you love me. I am filled with an otherworldly joy. But when our destination is another operating table, I wonder if I’m only useful to you as a spare. I wonder how easy it is for you to trick me.
About as easy as it is for me to love you.
I do everything I can to please you. I paste my own certificates to the fridge, askew and ripped up at the edge where the heat of my own fingers tore at them. I ask daddy to hang up my medals and awards in my bedroom but all you do is purse your lips and nod, arms crossed over your chest. I can see your ribs through your camisole as you take in breath. You tell me to keep going, not to get lazy just because I’ve won. This is the soundest piece of advice you’ve ever given to me. And I carry it with me forever.
I’m a little bit older, stand a little bit firmer, and the trees are shedding and the wind is cold again when I wonder if I love you. I do. I need you. I don’t think I could survive without you. But when I wake up from anesthesia, you’re always at Natasha’s bedside. Daddy sits next to me. He’s on the phone. I turn, groan, and place a hand over the incision site. Five-thirty. Six-thirty. You breeze into my room, lock yourself in the bathroom, turn on the water and I can hear you heave. Did I do something wrong?
I imagine your youth – lately and intermittently. I like to kid myself and think you were happier then, that your emotions were never void, that you did not lock me out when you cried. You had not buried your first born in the cold September earth, you had not lost your husband and daughter in one fell-swoop.Armies had not bordered your town. Serbian infantry had not wrecked bombs on parishes and schoolyards and your father has not left your mother to do the same in Herzegovina. I imagine you sitting on the top of a hill. The swells of Marjan swallow you whole and the clouds tug at your red hair flowing like charred debris. You are unscathed, and you look up, and the sky is painted in your eyes as your mother cries out your name; Lucija, Lucija, in a language you know well. You can no longer fathom agony, and your thoughts float in clean, cool air. Your arms, which are steeped in lavender fabric, are, after so many conflagrations, fireproof.
Jimin sighs in frustration and worrisome as he grabs his coat, a hat, and a mask before heading down the hall, he softly knocks and waits until he gets permission to come in, he runs his fingers through his hair "can I borrow your car" he softly asks, the other raises an eyebrow but searches for the keys and throws them to Jimin "where are you going this late, Hyung? the younger one asks, Jimin shakes his head "to pick up taehyung, he's at a bar" the other ticks his head "a bar?" he hums "he doesn't drink." jimin nods as he rubs his face "the disbandment is taking a toll on him, ggukie." he begins to close the door "ill be back soon, ill call if need anything." Jungkook turns back to playing overwatch "please be careful, Hyung"
Jimin puts on his shoes and heads out, he shivers from the coldness as he rushes to the car and gets in quickly, he turns on the ignition and rushes off to the city of Seoul.
It was quiet, a silent night as everyone was asleep in their beds at home, the blinking red and green lights shining off the ground as Jimin speeds to bring home his best friend. A little drive and he makes it there, he parks in front and hurries out as he puts on his mask and hat, hearing the music becoming louder and louder as he gets inside, he looks around and sighs when he sees no sign of taehyung. he grabs his phone from his back pocket.
Jimin grunts in annoyance as he shoves his phone into his back pocket and heads to the stairs quickly. he speeds up the stairs and takes a breath of air once he reaches the top, he enters the second-floor area as he scans the room filled with people, his eyes stop at the figure sitting at the bar and make his way through the loud music and drunken people.
"Kkot-bukkumi"
He shouts the nickname he always called Taehyung since young children, knowing they were public and still considered bts, he must keep low and not draw attention...
"kkot-bukkumi!" he gets closer as Taehyung looks behind him, his infamous box smile appears as he sees the other "heyyy!" he hugs Jimin "are you coming to drink with me?" he slurs out his words, Jimin sighs "no, let's go" he yells over the music "you're drunk, you need to come home" he softly grabs Taehyung's hand but the other pushes his hand away "no, I'm not going anywhere" Jimin groans and grabs taehyung "let's go, I'm not saying again," this time Taehyung pushes Jimin, causing him to stumble backward. grabbing attention and heads begin to turn. Jimin sighs and whispers "we can't make a scene here," his voice cracks "we are still considered bts and we can't be seen like this. please just come home" Taehyung laughs, in a mocking tone "we? bts? there is no such thing" he shouts, its the final straw for Jimin when he finally gives up, he looks at the bartender "how much is the tab?" he asks nicely, the bartender smiles "248,359 won" Jimin nods as he searches for his wallet and grabs some cash as he places it on the bar "keep the change, sorry for the disturbance" he says right before picking up Taehyung and throwing him over his shoulder and hurries downstairs and out of the bar, not caring to listen to whatever nonsense is pouring out of his best friends drunken mouth, he gets out the bar and heads over to his car, he opens the door and leans down to put taehyung in the passenger as he accidentally bumps his head on the way in "ow!" Taehyung whines "sorry," Jimin says before shutting the door and rushes to the driver side, he starts up the car and makes a u-turn in the middle of the street as he begins to head home "hey, when did you get a car?" taehyung chuckles "its Jungkook's." taehyung gasps "woow, the kid drives?" Jimin stays silent as drives home, too annoyed and upset to answer his best friend.
A little drive and they arrive home, Jimin parks the car, getting out and heading to the passenger side, he opens the door and helps Tae out and gets them inside, he takes them to his bed and lays the other down on the bed "you're sleeping here tonight" he sighs. taehyung chuckles "I always loved sleeping in your bed!" Jimin nods as he rubs his face "we will talk in the morning, Taehyung, go to sleep." he sits on the edge of the bed, face in the palm of his hands. he hates this, everything. the disbandment, his career, his dream, coming to an end. and now his best friend is losing control and drinking, he hates it, all of this. when did things become hard? when did things become stressful and dangerous? maybe it always has been, they were strong and ended up hitting the breakpoint, it was time... Jimin takes a deep breath as he wipes away the tears from his cheeks, throwing his phone and car keys on the nightstand as he slips into bed next to his sleeping best friend.
———
The next morning, Jimin was woken when he felt Taehyung jump over him, rushing to the bathroom. he rubs his eyes sighing as he hears the other begin to get sick to his stomach, he tiredly gets up and heads to the kitchen, getting a glass of water and some pills. he hurries back to his best friend "here, take these and drink some water" he softly says before he grabs a wet cloth and wipes the others face, Taehyung breathes heavily as he swallows the pills and takes a sip of water "thanks" he sits against the wall quietly. Jimin sits against the sink with his arms crossed "what has gotten into you, Taehyung" the male asks curiously Taehyung shakes his head before taking a sip of his water "I'm fine" he lies "you don't drink, this isn't you." Jimin adds, Taehyung scuffs "sometimes you need a drink every now and then" Jimin rolls his eyes "please stop lying to me" taehyung groans as he gets off the floor "it doesn't matter Jimin, just let it go." he makes his way passed the other and out into the room, "it does to matter, Kim Taehyung" his Busan dialect slipping. he grabs taehyung by the wrist, stopping the other from leaving. he snatches away from Jimin before he swings at his best friend, Jimin dodges "nothing matters anymore, Park Jimin." he tries to hold back his tears "I lost my dreams as a singer, Jimin" he swings at Jimin again, this time not missing, the other stays quiet as he lets taehyung go "we promised" he hits him again "we always said we would forever seven" he throws anther punch, he watches Jimin wipe the blood from his mouth "we promised we do this for years, what happened?" he takes the final punch before Jimin grabs him and pulls him into a hug, he tries and struggles to get free "hey, Taehyung stop!" he shouts "just take a breath and stop, Taehyung please!" Taehyung stops struggling as he begins to cry into his best friends shoulder, Jimin pats his head, whispering calming words. "wha-what happened to us, Jimin?" he hiccups "where did we go wrong?" Jimin sniffles as he holds onto his best friend "we got older, Taehyung" he inhales "we were exhausted, you know you were hurting." taehyung stays quiet for another moment. "you still got me, KKot-bukkumi" taehyung smiles when he hears his nickname "I'm hurting too, Taehyung. we all are" Jimin wipes his cheeks "Taehyung, do you remember the promise we made when we were five years old?" Taehyung hums "I promise I would never leave you, no matter how tough it gets. we have been through hell together, we have been through so much together, we got to achieve our dreams and became worldwide singers," Jimin sniffles then chuckles "but at what cost? our health was on the line, we weren't okay anymore." Taehyung squeezes his eyes shut, trying to stop himself from crying anymore "bangtan was my home, you know?" he says softly, Jimin nods "I know, KKot-bukkumi" he sighs "but unfortunately things don't last forever." taehyung hiccups "but we promised.." Jimin sniffles "our bodies were breaking" he smiles a little as he gets an idea "how about we go back to Busan and see our family, hm? get away from everything, how does that sound?" Taehyung sighs, finally pulling away from his best friend "I'm not sure" he wipes his tears as he grabs a washcloth "lets first clean up your face, it's ugly" Jimin chuckles, causing the other to smile "well you decided to hit me"
Taehyung hums "you could have blocked, but you didn't"