summary: over the years, everything you've owned has belonged to yoongi and everything yoongi's owned has belonged to you but when you break up, everything is your's and everything is his but none of it belongs to the two of you anymore and both of you can't stand it.
masterlist
-
“scarf,” you say as soon as yoongi appears at the door, you fail to hide your smile when he throws his head back in exasperation and throws the door open.
you push past him and enter his apartment which looked…exactly the same.
but then again, you did just break up some ten minutes ago so, of course, it would be the same.
you don’t know why you expected the universe to shift just because your heart was broken.
and as you throw back the cushions on his sofa, push the things on his coffee table, look under the sofa and table, and walk past him to check the coat rack and then the kitchen, you feel his piercing gaze following your every step.
you knew where it was.
it was in your bedroom.
or well, his bedroom now.
“can you hurry the fuck up?” he groans and in that second, you eye the black plastic cover filled with two or three soju bottles sitting on his kitchen counter.
you swallow and yell back, “can you just let me look for my scarf in peace?”
another groan.
a stomp on the floor.
“fuck, i’ll mail it to you,” yoongi makes his way into the kitchen with loud steps and you arch your eyebrow at him, then look towards the green bottles shining on his counter, he closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and spits out, “i was going to drink today before anything ever happened, don’t feel too special.”
“really?” you muse, clinking them against each other, and in the next second, yoongi’s hand is wrapped around your wrist and he’s pulling you, gently, towards the door.
“i’ll send it when i find it,” he murmurs as he pushes your coat, your car keys, and your phone into your hands, and you don’t say anything for a while.
you clutch your belongings and stand by the door until you notice how yoongi's eyes are bloodshot, their usual sharpness dulled by exhaustion. his shoulders rounded with an invisible weight, and you feel guilty for leaving.
“a-are you okay?” you ask, it feels stupid to ask because you know, you were the same as him.
he laughs bitterly and throws you a glare, you notice how his hands tremble beside his body, and you look away to save him and yourself from the pain of asking again.
“i just broke up with my girlfriend of three years, so yeah, i’m doing fantastic,” he breathes out, you wonder if it pains him like it’s paining you to hear his words, “now, can you leave?” yoongi gestures towards the door again.
you sigh, “wait a minute,” and enter your his home again.
“what now?” he throws his hands in the air and stomps after you.
he watches you grab the scarf from under his bed, he turns his eyes away when he sees your hands shaking while holding it, “did you know where it was?” yoongi breathes out, his face and voice in disbelief.
you don’t say anything again.
and when you leave, he pours himself glass over glass to forget the trembling of your jaw and how you paced around the apartment while knowing exactly where you kept the scarf.
he laughs again, the sound is strange, rough, and just wrong without your laugh chiming with him.
he pours himself a glass again.
-
it’s been a week.
“hi,” you say as yoongi walks into his house, he jumps a little, clutching his chest as his eyes widen to look for you.
you raise a hand to wiggle your fingers at him as a ‘hello, hi, ex-boyfriend, you’re back at your home and so am i!’ and yoongi blinks.
“what the fuck are you doing here?”
“oh, i was loo-“
“wait wait, how did you even get in?” yoongi frantically marched to his front door and twisted the knob to check for any damages and you roll your eyes.
“i found your key under the potted plant. speaking of which, do you want to get robbed or something, why would you even put it there?” you throw your hands in the air as you sip tea, grimacing as the strange, bitter taste of yoongi’s favorite green tea spreads in your mouth.
“first of all, stop drinking my tea, you don’t even like it” you put the cup down with a sheepish smile and fold your hands on the table.
“and second of all, i didn’t think i had to worry about any ex-girlfriends breaking in, my bad,” yoongi complains loudly and you press your palms to your ears, shaking your head, “i’m not even here to see you, i’m here for…well, i’m here for,” you struggle to finish the sentence.
and yoongi glares at you.
“what is it?” as he moves his head to pin his glare on you, his soft, freshly straightened hair moves with him.
“straightener!” you say loudly, clapping your hands, and yoongi’s eyebrows narrow again, “you’re going to get wrinkles, yoongi.” you point at his eyebrows but he doesn’t let up, you’re sure that his eyebrows furrowed deeper.
“okay! i’ll be on my way once i get that,” you wander off into his bedroom and yoongi throws his head back in exasperation.
your straightener is easy to find because well, it’s not yours, it’s his and it’s just sitting on his vanity but yoongi doesn’t bat an eye at that.
he only watches you move around his home with his arms crossed on his chest and an unreadable satisfaction on his face.
and when you leave, you can’t help but notice that for all his annoyance, he never tells you to not come back, and he never tells you to find everything you own and leave at once.
with that knowledge, you leave his home with the biggest grin on your face.
-
“you need to get out before my booty call gets here,” you happily eat your ice cream on the kitchen counter as yoongi walks into your home as if he owned it.
did you mention that he was the one to bring you ice cream?
your favorite too, one scoop of hazelnut and one scoop of brownie.
“ha ha, very funny, you should start thinking of a career in stand-up” he responds with a roll of his eyes and you giggle even more, sliding down to catch up with his pace around your home.
“what are you here for?”
“t-shirt, you know the one you stole,” yoongi shrugs and glares again, walking right into your room and you follow with hands closed behind your back, “which one?” you muse as you remember all the (10) t-shirts you’ve stolen from him.
he looks back as he nears the closet, eyes narrowing at you, “how many do you have?”
“how many can you remember that i have?”
yoongi groaned in sheer frustration and you crawled on your bed, watching him pick apart your closet, and glaring at you whenever he found one of his t-shirts in there.
for a moment, it was amusing.
it was the funniest thing to watch yoongi get annoyed, you always enjoyed it.
but in the next moment, when he was around his fifth t-shirt, you felt this ache slowly develop in your chest and spread across your throat and then your mouth, then it was everywhere.
it was this dull throbbing that you couldn’t shake and your eyes dropped to fiddle with your fingers instead of looking at him, collecting his belongings from your home.
because, just two weeks ago, it had been your t-shirts too, hadn’t they? and it wasn’t just your home then, it was yours and his, wasn’t it? sure, you had separate apartments but it never felt like that, it felt like you had two homes and both homes belonged to both of you.
and now, you only had one.
you had wrapped your arms around his back when he was in your room two weeks ago, he was here now but you couldn’t even touch a hair on his head without feeling like you’ve crossed a line.
your head was starting to collect the ache and make a home for it so you ask, “are you almost done?”
you didn’t mean to ask him that, you actually very, very badly wanted yoongi never to leave so you could believe again, ‘i have two homes, i have two toothbrushes, two mugs, two keys, two doors, and two of everything’ but yoongi pauses, he collects the t-shirts he found and nods, “yeah, i’m done.”
when he walks out of your room, the ache finally takes over your head and you follow him with dazed eyes and stumbling feet.
at the door, yoongi stops, he turns around with concern brimming in his eyes and that is enough for your hands to shake again, “you good?”
“i just broke up with my boyfriend of three years, so yeah, i’m doing fantastic,” you deepen your voice to mimic his and yoongi shakes his head with a small laugh, “you better be okay,” he says at the end, and his voice is so soft, it feels like cotton pressed into your cheeks.
and you nod because if yoongi says you have to be okay, you’ll find a way to be okay.
but when he leaves, you are back to having just one home, with one toothbrush in the bathroom, one mug in the kitchen, one set of keys in your purse, one door, and one of everything else.
and you’re sorry to yoongi.
because you don’t know if you can be okay.
-
a couple days passed again.
you had an angry yoongi pacing in front of you as you watched.
“you’re being ridiculous,” yoongi shoves a hand through his hair, glaring at you as you sit with arms across your chest and refusing to look at him.
“i’m not,” you huff out and he rolls his eyes.
he did that a lot.
he did that a lot with you.
“i didn’t steal your plushie, are you fucking kidding me?” yoongi whines and walks away into the kitchen to pour himself a drink.
you follow him and right at the doorway, you don’t enter, you just watch his even more sunken eyes and even more rounded shoulders with conflicted eyes.
a part of you wanted to hug him.
a part of you wouldn’t mind killing him.
a part of you wanted to kiss his shoulders to lift them.
a part of you wanted to leave a red mark on his face.
but all parts of you, you couldn’t trust or believe.
these past few days, you couldn’t trust or believe anything actually.
yoongi senses your eyes on him, he knows how you look at him and how you seem to show so much with just a gaze but he holds strong.
you were broken up.
you shouldn’t be here.
hell, he’s not sure if he should be here or not either.
but he betrays himself over and over again, he lets you into his house and you let him into yours, and he feels ridiculous every time he closes your door, he’s not sure what you feel when you close his.
“i threw it away,” he shrugs his shoulders, eye muscles tensing oddly, he’s not sure if you notice or not.
“what?” your whisper is so quiet, yoongi wouldn’t have known you were speaking if he didn’t see your lips moving.
“i threw it, okay? there was no use of it being around here anymore, so i fucking threw it away,” he didn’t mean for his voice to be loud, and he didn’t mean for his words to hurt but maybe he did, maybe he wanted to hurt you.
but he loves you?
but he’s also okay with hurting you.
to an extent.
yoongi had never understood why he couldn’t love properly, why his love for others and himself had to hold a touch of pain, a touch of misery, but it was always out of his control.
it had been different with you.
for a while, that is.
but he was back to his roots now, pain and misery and love and affection held his hands and danced around him.
and he had to dance with them too.
“i threw it,” he repeated, but your plushie was tucked into his pillows, into his sleep, and into his days and nights.
it was stained with salty tears now, it was stained with the ice cream he ate after he left your home, and he didn’t want you to see it.
for a moment, you both didn’t even twitch in the wrong direction, yoongi watched the dark liquid in his cup with growing intensity and you waited for him to tell you that your plushie was safe.
“fine,” you sniffled, grabbing your coat and stomping to the door and yoongi followed, he tried not to but his feet walked ahead of his mind.
at the door, you angrily shoved your feet into your sneakers and pushed your hair out of your face, as if to prove that you weren’t crying, that you weren’t affected and anyone else would believe you.
but yoongi knows you.
and he knows your red nose and cheeks can only mean one thing.
before you close his door, you say, “you’re a horrible person, yoongi.”
he thinks he knows what you feel when you close his door now.
hatred.
-
you swore to yourself that that would be the last time you turn up at his place, but you had genuinely forgotten something there and needed it this time, so you swallowed your pride and rang his doorbell.
you don’t greet him when he opens the door and yoongi feels like he could fall to his knees when you shove a bag with his favorite ice cream, matcha, and coffee (he’s a caffeine guy, he runs on it), into his hands and yoongi knows he’s forgiven.
“i forgot my trousers here,” you mumble afterward and head straight into his closet to dig through for the work trousers that you cannot live without.
yoongi doesn’t dare to utter a word, he looks through his closet beside you and apologizes when his skin touches yours in any little way.
you can’t believe there was a time when you would touch him as if his body was yours too and he would touch you the same. but his apologies just dug the truth deeper into your skin, which was that you didn’t belong to him, and he didn’t belong to you.
so, you nod, you bear your cheeks heating up and thighs going weak, and just look through his neatly organized piles of clothes too.
he used to organize your stuff too, he used to section them, fold them, and keep them neatly by his clothes.
that’s how you find your trousers, crisp folds, and fresh-smelling, right beside his work clothes.
and your heart squeezes as you pull it out.
the folds loosen, the trousers limp in your hands, and that small change in its structure, makes you think of yoongi and everything that fell apart with him.
when you leave that day, you pause at the door and whisper, “you’re not horrible, yoongi, but maybe i am, maybe i ruined everything, but please don’t hate me.”
before he can catch you and wipe your tears and tell you that you were right last time, he was the horrible one, he was the one who texted late, who came home late, who missed birthdays, but you were already running away and he was left with a lit cigarette burning his throat.
-
“i swear, it was here,” yoongi shifts the things around your closet, head buried deep in shelves and racks of clothes and shoes, you stand at the doorway with your arms crossed against your chest, trying not to roll your eyes.
“and you have a million other headphones, so i don’t understand why you would need to find this one,” you step into the room and lazily move things around to try and find it too, yoongi scoffs from a few feet away, “it was special to me,” he says and turns his back to you again.
“why?”
“my grandfather gave it to me,” yoongi huffs, and his hands stay busy.
but.
“your grandfather died when you were five,” there was no way his grandpa gave it to him and you know you’ve caught him.
he could’ve at least tried harder with his lies.
it was strange, seeing him here, standing in your bedroom, surrounded by things that no longer belonged to both of you.
you don’t think you’ll ever get over that feeling of loss.
the moisturizer you would’ve shared with him.
the cheap wig that he would wear to make you laugh.
the razor that you would hide to annoy him.
they only belonged to you now.
though you don’t bring up his grandfather to drive him away, you only say it because it was hard for you to understand why he was here, looking for headphones that he could buy tens of pairs of.
he pauses, you wait for him to say something else, or lie about a friend who didn’t exist who gave it to him, lie about his dad giving it to him.
but yoongi doesn’t say anything.
he keeps looking.
you refused to keep anything that touched you in the last three years.
well, except for some things.
“yoongi,” you call out, pointing towards the unopened box in your closet and he turns his head that way, quickly walking over to it and flipping it upside down.
the photo album that carried your first anniversary.
the promise ring that he gave you on your second anniversary.
the matching couple t-shirt which he cringed at but wore whenever he could.
the.
the.
the.
so many the’s and so many first’s and second’s of things that you kept, though ‘kept’ was the wrong word, you treasured these things, you loved them.
and all of them fell on the floor with noise that shook your ears and chest, not because of the volume but because it was like you were pouring your heart in front of him.
but you loved them in the past, you liked to think that you did and you were in the present now, watching yoongi eye the things you gathered without his knowledge.
and all of it was only yours now.
“when did you keep this here?” he asks, and you immediately know he’s asking about the simple diamond ring that everyone thought was your engagement ring.
but it was just a promise ring.
and you removed it when, “that day you didn’t come for my birthday,” you mumbled, picking up the things and putting them back where they belonged.
buried inside a box.
shoved into a closet.
but before, you pull out his headphones from the box and hang it over your head for him to take.
when he takes it, his fingers touch the smallest part of your palm and your eyes gather tears as if rivers were breaking a dam in them.
yoongi stands without saying a word for a long time but then he walks to the door, “you’re not going to close your door?”
you’re not coming to see me off?
you get up unwillingly and walk to the door without sneaking another glance at him and drop the ring into his palm, “bye, yoongi.”
his hands tighten around the band of platinum.
both of you look at the dangly, worn-out wires of his headphones that hang from his other hand.
you had given them to him for your first anniversary.
not his dead grandpa or dad or friend.
it was you.
and both of you refused to acknowledge that fact.
and when yoongi finally leaves, he leaves behind a space in the air that waits for him to come back and take his place again, in your life, in your home, in your space.
but he doesn’t turn back.
and you close the door, letting the space remain.
-
a few days went by again.
neither of you showed up at each other’s doors anymore.
neither of you had anything left to collect.
neither of you had anything that belonged to the other.
and it was strange, the quiet, the loneliness that crept on your back and it always hit at the most unexpected of times.
when you poured your cereal in the morning, you realized you were holding the box that you had bought while grocery shopping with yoongi, it was your favorite time of the month, the one time you could really feel that he was your person.
but the box was empty by the end of your breakfast and you kept it back in the cabinet.
when you arranged your clothes, you saw your messy folding and fell back on the pile of clothes that still needed folding.
how yoongi did this every day, you had no clue.
but as you lay in pieces of cotton, linens, satins, sequins, and many more materials that hugged and pinched you, you couldn’t help but think that surely, yoongi wouldn’t leave you like this, there has to be something of his that you still own.
there has to be something.
so, you got up and with renewed desperate energy, you started searching.
you pulled upon every desk, every closet door, every nook and cranny, you searched with shaking hands and watery eyes.
“there has to be something, there has to be,” you whispered to yourself, your voice choking as things fall over from the tall walls, they fall on your feet, and your toes, and a sharp pain hits you every single time, but you push through.
because.
there has to be something.
you can’t end it like this.
you and yoongi cannot end like this.
anyone else can.
but not you, not him and you.
and the closets you look through stay ajar, the desks you’ve emptied stay tipped over, and everything you own is on the floor.
but there is none of yoongi in any of it.
so, you sink.
you sink to your knees, sobbing and flipping over items as you reach them.
because goddamit, there has to be something.
when the bell first rings, you don’t register it, you are way too intent on the clutter in front of you.
but then it rings.
and rings.
and rings, again and again.
relentless.
and you push yourself up, hoping it’s no one you know because you don’t think you can explain the tears on your face.
but when you open the door, your mouth goes dry and you know you don’t have to explain anything.
because across from you, is a red-eyed yoongi and he’s carrying a box.
“can i come in?” is all he asks, his voice barely a whisper and you’re already opening the door and pulling him in.
but once he’s in your home, in your space again, the familiar soft and sharp scent of him, the sight of him, it was too much. you couldn’t breathe. your eyes never leave him, every breath he took, every shift of his fingers, every fall of his chest, all of it was dancing in your eyes and for the love of god, you couldn’t look away.
he sets the box down and stands there with his hands opening and closing around nothing, and you want to grab them, you want to spread them across your cheeks and feel his warmth, which was sometimes cold too but you didn’t mind, you never minded with yoongi.
but instead, you curl your hands behind your back and stop yourself because it still wasn’t right.
“i don’t have anything of yours,” you start, voice already breaking, “anymore,” you finish with hands tightening so hard around each other that you could feel the bruises blooming on their surface.
“i know,” he takes a sharp inhale of breath and looks away from you and you want to beg him to look at you.
for a second, it’s just you reliving every second you weren’t with him and it’s him looking at your apartment that was void of anything personal, anything that called it a home.
“i want all of it back,” he sniffs, looking at you finally, you want to take it back, you aren’t sure how you survived three years of his eyes only on you and you squeeze your door handle, “all of what?” you whisper, and he sniffs again, “your stuff, all of it, your stupid scarf, your straightener, everything, i want all of it back, in my place, in our place, where it belongs.” he says it so quietly, so earnestly and each word has you pulling your skin tighter.
“your plushie is in this, i never threw it away but i’m taking it back, my t-shirts and headphones are in this, i’m leaving them here,” he bends over the box and starts picking things apart, and each thing he pulls out, fills you with relief.
but.
“but that isn’t right, yoongi,” you try to defend, “we aren’t together anymore,” you hate the words as they surface out of you and yoongi shakes his head.
“but is this right?” he lifts his hands from the box, his jaw trembling again and you instinctively smooth your hand over it and yoongi pushes his face into your hands.
“is it right, both of us miserable?” he whispers and the world bottoms out from underneath you, suddenly gravity is nothing and you’re both floating towards each other.
“but i hurt you,” you grip his headphones and this time, his tears fall the same as yours do, “i hurt you too.” he places a hand on your knees and that cold warmth, that bare touch leaves you open.
“but i’m done, i don’t want to hurt you anymore,” yoongi begs, he shakes his head as he says it as if he can’t believe there was a time that he had hurt you but you’re the same, you can’t believe that you hurt him once.
“before you came here, i was looking for something, anything that was yours so i could come back,” you sniffed loudly, your voice falling and lifting and yoongi listens with eyes that have always looked at you, “but i didn’t find anything, yoongi and it killed me.” your voice fully gives up as you bury your face into your hands and immediately, you feel his arms pulling you into his chest and his hands running down your hair.
“you don’t have to do that anymore, i’m back see,” he tips your face towards him and his smile is so soft, so real that it makes you smile too, “i’m not going anywhere.” he assures you with a kiss on the top of your head and your watery eyes dry out.
“me too, i don’t want this anymore, i want us, i want two of everything, i want you and i want everything,” you utter back to him, the weight of the words floating between you too.
“and you have it, you have everything again, the ring is in there too but that is for whenever you’re ready.” he kisses you again and you snuggle into his embrace, feeling like you’ve lost centuries of holding him, the thought of the ring swells your chest into a balloon that could snap, “that will take time, but thank you,” you whisper, kissing where his shoulders met his neck.
“like i said, whenever you’re ready but it will always belong to you.” yoongi whispers back and you smile in pure delight, nodding along to his words.
“we were stupid for thinking that we could stay apart,” you laugh hesitantly into his chest, the idea of the two of you trying to be separate was ridiculous to you and yoongi laughs with you, which makes you melt into his body, because it was ridiculous, you were two parts of a whole, two houses in a home, two mugs in a kitchen, two keys in your purse, two toothbrushes in one bathroom and two of everything else that you could think of.
and that was how it should’ve been, that was how it was always meant to be.
somewhere in the night, yoongi crawls up your sheets and your plushie is between the two of you and you make fun of him for acting as if he threw it away, he rolls his eyes and shushes you with a kiss.
“by the way, that straightener is yours, not mine,” you whisper and he is aghast, “i fucking knew it,” he yells and sits up, and immediately starts to complain “you know how stupid i’ve been looking with hair that looks just like holly’s!”
and you remind him, playfully this time, that what was yours was his, and what was his was yours and he falls on the bed, grumbling under his breath and complaining until the sun comes up.
and it feels right, everything that belonged to you and him back in their place, back in their homes and yoongi, back in your life, your home, and your space.
summary: every year on your birthday, you throw a big party and every year on your birthday, you wait for taehyung to show up and every year on your birthday, taehyung shows up, only to disappear after. but he always comes back, he always comes back.
note: this story doesn't have much dialogue, it's very much focused on the internal thoughts of the main character, it's quite focused on the feelings and not the plot. nevertheless, i hope you guys enjoy as always and that you feel something when you read this <3
masterlist
-
there are very few people who actually change your life, and when they do grace your life, they tilt your world on in their direction, and you can't think of anything else but to follow them, you can't ever avoid the inevitability of someone becoming a part of your life.
you knew from the moment your teacher introduced your best friend on her first day in school, that she was going to be important.
you knew from the moment your first ever date said that he didn't like to give or receive flowers, that you were going to get hurt.
you knew from the moment you met taehyung, that he was going to change your life.
but when exactly would that happen?
you were yet to find out.
that's why you're sitting here, chewing on your freshly done nails, in a dress that made breathing difficult, with glitter trailing your arms and legs and a blingy crown sitting on your head, waiting for his message to come through.
"you know, he's not the only one coming," your best friend, lisa, snickered, a balloon in her hand, and you threw your head back, "is it bad that i only care about him coming?"
lisa wondered for a moment, "a little bit, but crushes are unreasonable like that," she shrugs and starts walking away but you're already getting up to follow her.
"it's not a crush! i told you, i don't care about him that much," you huff, trying to smirk but lisa side-eyes you, "did you hear yourself say that you only care about him coming or did i imagine that bit?"
"i'm just...curious," you shrugged and she sighed, "whatever you say."
you didn't know how to explain to her, the itch, the longing, the excitement of just catching a glimpse of his hair, his face, his anything.
but you also wanted to tell her, he wasn't everything to you, not yet but right now, your world chose a new orbit to rotate on, and he was the orbit, you were the star.
you were still the star.
you were turning 21 today for god's sake.
-
within the next hour, your tiny apartment had people crawling on every corner, some were making out, some were drinking their asses off, some you actually liked, and some you knew nothing about.
there was no sign of your orbit, and you tried not to feel like you'd been plummeted into the dark of space.
"let's cut the cake!" lisa cheered, clapping loudly to get everyone's attention, and everyone erupted in cheers. at once, you were the shining star in this room, and everyone's eyes and hands pushed you towards your kitchen island.
you saw your cake.
a pink heart with two sparkling '2' and '1' candles on it.
and you tried to tell yourself that it didn't matter that taehyung wasn't here, you would drink enough to forget about him by tomorrow.
but you still looked, all the way from the entry to your apartment to the people who crowded in front of you.
nevertheless, you stepped forward to your cake and forced yourself to smile as big as you could because people still showed up to celebrate you.
so, you had to shine.
you had to be grateful.
you were grateful.
but their voices drowned in your ears, and their faces all blended together.
when the lights dim and everyone's not-so-melodious rendition of the 'happy birthday' song floats through the air, your face lights up with the candles, and you hear a new voice.
a new, clear voice that cuts through everyone else's, and that's when you know that he was here.
so, you look up and there he was, standing among the crowd but standing out as if everyone else didn't exist, a clarity in a haze, and he meets your eyes.
your orbit.
was here.
YOUR orbit.
was here.
you smile at his clapping and singing the song, and under his gaze, you feel your body fold, feel your knees weaken, and your heart thunder just a bit.
when you blow out the candles, you are acutely aware of his eyes on you, and you feel like jelly on legs.
but you blow the light out and look up as quickly as you can to see him, savor him.
in the darkness and chaos, he stands still and mouths to you 'happy birthday, sweets.'
your orbit.
was here at your 21st birthday party.
the party you threw for him.
and you shined the brightest when he smiled at you as everyone else's claps faded into white noise.
-
feeling taehyung's attention on you always left you feeling like a fresh wound opening in front of him, as if he could see through the layers under your skin and directly touch the tender parts of your soul if he wanted to.
but he always kept his hands to himself, even if you wanted them desperately on you, even if your tender parts ached and beat for him.
"quite a party you have here," he hums, and you're struggling to believe this is reality.
you are 21.
you are in a room full of people.
you are backed into a corner with taehyung leaning on the wall next to you.
you are with taehyung.
you don't know how it happened, how it started, if you stepped to him, if he stepped to you, if everyone else saw it too, if everyone else could see the galaxy growing between you two.
it always felt as if gravity pulled your bones and nerves towards him and it always felt right when you were perched next to him.
you wanted to scream, 'i did this for you!' but you smiled modestly instead, "you didn't see lisa's 21, it was way, way wilder than this," there were broken bones, and confetti was found in the corners of your house for weeks.
he laughs a little, eyes growing close and his laughter runs like a hot wire through your spine.
"i think even if i did, i would like this one better," taehyung raised his eyebrows at you and you couldn't help it, you asked even if you knew the answer, "why?"
"because here, you're the birthday girl and i get to see you in this crown," he laughs again, fingers poking at the bling sitting on top of your head, and your chest compresses when he runs his fingers on the edges of it.
the birthday girl part, you expected.
your crown, not so much.
and it suddenly felt more present on your head than it was before.
"i told lisa that it was a bit much," you self-conciously touched the tip of it and he frowned, "what? no, it looks...good on you."
but you could see he was biting back a few words.
"you can't be serious," you shake your head and taehyung smiles, "well, don't believe me, but don't take it off, it's very you."
and you don't know what takes over your brain.
you imagine his compliments in your ear as you wear a white dress and he wears a crisp maroon suit.
his whispers of 'the rest of my life, with you, in your heart and you in mine' as your veil dragged behind you.
you shake it off.
it was dangerous.
possibility.
potential.
you couldn't dwell in it but you couldn't ignore it.
so, you talked instead and he met you, word for word, expression to expression, face to face, and sometimes, body to body.
"i miss what dating used to be," he takes a swig out of his cup, and you lean in, a moth to his flame.
"what do you mean?"
"things used to mean something, you know? people used to want to know each other and fall in love at the same time. now, everyone wants a full report on the other person but refuse to fall in love," he sounded...frustrated and tired, and a part of you ached for him and yourself and your generation.
what did this mean for you?
was he just tired or tired and not open to anything at the moment?
why were you holding up the wall here if he didn't want anything?
but taehyung wasn't like that.
he couldn't be.
"that's true, it's like you can also love someone in the process of knowing them, instead of waiting for something to come up that ticks you off and leave them but you know, there is someone for everyone," you continue and he nods fiercely, eyes widening and body relaxing next to you.
and you relax too.
taehyung can see that you have something, he can see that he's yet to change your life, that he owed your instinct that satisfaction.
"people only love when its convenient for them now, when it's convenient for them to fall, be affectionate, caring, no one wants to show up when shit hits the roof, but you're right, there is someone for everyone, just can't be sure who is who anymore."
you wonder who burned him for him to speak with so much venom, and your heart that dropped and picked up during his whole speech dropped solidly to the ground.
you want to shake him and tell him, 'i'm not like that! i'll stand with you between the heavens and the earth, will you love me?'
because you're dramatic like that, a bit obsessed with bridgerton and the regality of love, and you think he might like that part of you.
you hope that he would like that part of you.
then, his phone buzzes. he excuses himself and turns away to talk, you wait impatiently for his eyes to look at you again, to have his full attention again.
but then he turns around with a small pout, and you try not to let your heart sink further.
"i just gotta go for a few minutes," and you're already nodding and smiling, but your heart's beating from 6 feet underground, and you're saying that it's okay, "but i'll be back! i promise, like 20 minutes and i'll be here again," he rushes to explain and you nod again, with even more understanding and enthusiasm.
because you're cool like that.
"that's totally fine, let me see you out" you walk with him till the door, watch him put his shoes on, try not to laugh as he slips a bit trying to put his shoes on, and laugh anyway when he narrows his eyes at you.
he laughs with you before his eyes completely soften.
"happy 21 sweets, you look beautiful and so does your crown," taehyung's finger brushes once again on the edge of your bling, a flash of amusement and endearment flashes in his eyes before he leaves with his head down.
you're left with red cheeks and a hand that unconsciously brushes the silly tiara on your head.
he doesn't come back.
lisa takes your hand and drags you out of the apartment after you wait for an hour on the sofa.
but your hand still reaches for your tiara throughout the night and you still want to tell taehyung that you might just be his someone.
-
21 faded like everything else.
it was filled with heartbreak, hope, but mostly, just heartbreak.
because taehyung never returned in your life fully.
he came and went.
a handsome smile during sunset on a hill.
across the hood of his car, where you lay, watching you and your body getting bathed in light that made you look like you came from above.
driving back to your house, where you lingered near the door until his car disappeared down the road.
zero messages or calls from him after.
and you were here, turning 22, and an invitation in the form of a casual text message that was unread by him. sat heavily on your phone.
as casual as the message was, so were your feelings.
they really were.
they had to be.
and this time, you were grown anyway, you weren't a princess with a tiara.
you were an angel with wings that could rival a victoria's secret model.
because you could be turning 50, but you would still pull up with the drama of a pageant queen, this was part of growing to you, getting to be everything your kid self would find super cool.
"hey, baby," a familiar strong aftershave scent engulfed you from behind and nuzzled its nose into your glitter-spilled neck.
yes, you had a boyfriend.
yes, it was terrible that you were waiting on someone else.
but no, you didn't love him.
you didn't hear wedding bells, nor could your eyes flash the tiniest bit of a veil and a suit when you were with your boyfriend.
somehow, that was all reserved for someone who couldn't even answer your text.
so, you nuzzled back, you cheered with your friends, and you thought, life has so much to see, life wasn't just taehyung.
and you partied.
hard.
for hours.
until your knees shook with every step you took, until your lips were swollen from the kisses your boyfriend stole, until you walked into the bathroom and smiled stupidly at your reflection.
22 fucking rocked.
but then, you got out of the bathroom, humming, a skip in your step, and your boyfriend had his tongue down someone else's throat, someone else's lip swollen as he swallowed them whole.
and you watched.
you waited for your world to crash and burn.
you waited for your stomach to drop.
you waited.
for something.
anything.
to know that he meant something to you.
but you couldn't even conjure up a single tear for him.
"baby?" his voice was as if in a tunnel, and it echoed all around you but didn't quite reach you.
"baby, it's not what you think, she's just an old friend," he was still talking, and somehow, lisa appeared in the fuzzy borders of your eyesight.
"i knew it! i fucking knew it, the second i saw you looking at her, i fucking knew it! how dare you? how could you, on her birthday? seriously, is thi-" and it was all too much.
lisa's voice.
his voice.
his whining.
your own breathing.
just too fucking much.
so, you walked away, lisa came behind you because she was good like that, because she was your friend, because you would follow her to everywhere too.
but you held a soft, shaking hand up, the alcohol suddenly feeling like it took your feet off the ground.
"i just need a minute alone. i'll be out, i'll be back, okay?" her eyes softened, but she didn't know.
she didn't know that you were still thinking of taehyung.
would he ever do something like this to you?
and with that thought, you stumbled out of the bar, loose-limbed and free from a ridiculous man that you would regret dating.
you had to thank the girl who kissed him; she took a load off your hands.
you sat on a ledge and rested your head on the wall. the vibrations from the music in the club bounced off your head, but you enjoyed it. you tapped your feet to the beat and let yourself just be.
then, you heard arguing.
shouting, actually.
and you peeked.
because who wouldn't?
but you regret it immediately.
on the sidewalk, just a couple of feet from you, was an angry taehyung and the girl with swollen lips.
yes, that girl with swollen lips.
and your taehyung.
fate was funny.
maybe cruel to taehyung right now.
but to you, it was hilarious.
you watched in mild amusement and not-so-mild jealousy as she tried to hold him, tried to console him, tried to kiss him (which had you curling your fist at nothing), and all the while, taehyung looked at the road behind her.
then, she yells at him.
"this is because you never stepped up! this is because of you, not me. i tried to be a good girlfriend, but you never even tried to be a good boyfriend," she wailed at him, eyes turning glassy and jaw quivering.
which was interesting, because ten minutes ago, she was kissing the lips you had kissed for four months.
you waited for taehyung to do something.
but he was a tree, unmoving, hands shoved deep in his pockets and that had your respect for him skyrocketing.
she was shaking her head at him, hailing a cab and soon, it was just taehyung on the street, bathed in moonlight and you didn't even try to look away.
heartbroken people shouldn't have looked as good as he did.
no one should look as good as him.
"sweets?" his voice sounded as his nickname for you.
sweet.
surprised.
warm.
and.
so fucking soft.
why did he call out to you like you were the only person his voice changed for?
"hi, taehyung," you swallowed, and everything you waited to feel, rained down on you like stars falling from the sky and hitting your head.
maybe your kid self wouldn't find the sick yearning in your throat, your chest, your stomach, knees, and ankles, super cool, but you agreed with your kid self on this.
this wasn't very cool.
it wasn't very cool to feel everything from one person calling out to you, nor was it cool to watch him with eyes that were practically dripping with love.
it was irrational.
stupid.
but taehyung comes to stand in front of you and offers a strained smile, and you don't want to be anywhere else in this world.
"nice wings," he muses, and you shrug, delighted that he noticed them, "it's a birthday thing."
a look of realization passes on his face.
he doesn't panic to explain that yeah, he forgot, but remembered that it was your birthday.
instead, he smiles, larger, brighter, and whispers, "happy 22, sweets."
"or should i just call you angel?" you scrunch your nose at him, pretending to be annoyed, but you really didn't like angel, you would only like 'sweets' from his mouth.
he laughs at you, and the sound always makes you feel so proud.
like hello world, look what i can do? i can make the man i love laugh, i can make him feel joy, i can light up his life, and even for just a second, i own you world.
"what did you do today?"
"broke up with my boyfriend," a spark of hope passes quickly in his eyes.
"same here."
"i saw."
"oh," taehyung looks away, scratching his neck, "i didn't mean to, i was just here," you explained, and he nodded, "yeah well, it happened."
"she was kissing my boyfriend, actually," you didn't need to tell him, but you wanted to.
"what a coincidence," no emotion played in his tone.
"you can beat him up if you'd like, he's inside," you point towards the club and taehyung laughs, but it was cold, detached, "my girlfriend, well ex now, kissed him back so i can't exactly blame him."
"that's right too," you shrug, leaning your head back on the wall and ignoring the stabbing need for more words to come out of your mouth.
you wanted to say so much more.
you wanted to ask if he remembered the hill, the car, the sunlight and mostly, you wanted to ask if he remembered you in all of it.
but you didn't.
because if he forgot, you wouldn't know how to live with that.
"i'm sorry about not calling you after that day."
that day.
that sacred day.
you actually expected him to act as if it never happened.
"which day?"
because you like to make him squirm sometimes, because you know that he knows that he's left you hanging not once, but twice.
taehyung laughs a little, shaking his head, "all the days, i should've always called you back, is it too late now?"
what a stupid question.
your life waited for taehyung, it was never too late for him.
your heart climbs up your throat, down your tongue, and hangs right at the edge, waiting for him to take it.
"no, not late and well, i'm here now, talk to me," you wish you could say that your desperation wasn't obvious, but when taehyung grins at you, you know he's caught it.
the soft center of your soul for him opens up again.
he holds his hand out, and your wings close around you in the wind of the night.
you don't think you could've done anything else in that moment except take his hand and walk away into the night.
-
"happy 23, sweets," taehyung's voice in your ear and his kiss on your temple, beat everything else in the world.
you were 23.
finally.
with taehyung by your side.
you weren't in a pageant-level outfit; you were in his t-shirt, his shorts, in his bed, with the clock blinking red with 12:04.
but you had your old tiara, a bright eye-hurting pink wig, a new furry sash, and a full face of your best makeup on.
because you still had to be dramatic, it wouldn't be your birthday without at least a little bit of flair.
and taehyung was here, arms wrapped from behind you, his scent, his softness, touching you everywhere your skin screamed to be touched, and you melted.
because this was what you waited for.
you were never wrong with your gut feeling.
you were never wrong about taehyung.
that night, when you walked away with his hand in yours, you didn't know where you would end up, but you always hoped it would be here, with wedding bells ringing in your ear every time he smiled.
"i was hoping to see you somewhere," taehyung had said, hands scratching the back of his neck with a sheepish smile, and you raised your eyebrows at him, "and ignoring my text would've helped you, how?"
and he had laughed, "i don't think you realize how scared i get."
it was a loaded answer, but with no real explanation.
"with what?"
"you."
"you're scared of me?"
"yeah."
"seriously?" you narrowed your eyes at him, and taehyung squeezed his eyes shut in delight.
"i love when you look at me like that," taehyung smirked after, and you almost stumbled onto the road.
"like what?"
"like you don't believe a word i say, like you can see right through me," he hums and you swallowed down the words, 'i do see you, i see you, i see through you, i see around you, all i want is for my eyes to have you in front of them.'
"that doesn't explain the scared part, taehyung." you said instead, casual, cool, unbothered, but your stomach furled and unfurled like a wild cat in heat.
"it's true!" he threw his hands up in the air, and you scoffed, "that's a lame excuse to not text me back, taehyung."
not so casual, not so cool, not so unbothered, but you couldn't keep it in you anymore.
and maybe he noticed the underlying exhaustion your tone held, the exhaustion of your hope slowly burning out over the year.
taehyung knew he had messed up, but he never could guess if you cared about him messing up or not.
so, he bit the bullet.
"you terrify me," and his words were softer, laced with the kind of vulnerability that was addictive, it was as if watching the flowers of his voice slowly bloom in front of you.
"how so?"
"because, every other person, i can fake something with, i can fake a smile, my feelings, and i'm okay with that. it doesn't make me sound like a good person, but it's easier to fake that stuff when you know the other person isn't in it for anything serious," maybe he noticed he was rambling, taehyung took a deep breath, let out a tired laugh, and smiled at you.
he poked at the frown forming between your eyebrows, and his touch bled into your skin, making it liquid, suddenly, your skin could be anything taehyung wanted it to be.
"my point is, when you look at me, i don't want to lie or fake anything, even if that's easier, i just want to be me, and i don't know, well, i don't know if you'll like that. i've always been okay with casual relationships, but if it's you," he looked up at you, you sucked in a shaky breath, the world suddenly spinning uncontrollably in front of you.
your wings fluttered around you again, the wind closing in on the two of you, and you waited with wide eyes and a tight throat for taehyung to finally tell you something real.
he was either going to break your heart or have it forever.
"if it's you, it can't be casual, i can't be casual, and that's," he looked at you again, as if he couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth, as if he's buried them so long ago that their coming out made no sense.
but there taehyung was, making your face warm and red.
"that's terrifying, y/n."
and knowing that you scared him, shook whatever foundation he was always comfortable with, had you gleaming with confidence.
"do you want to do it scared?"
his head snapped up at you, eyes zeroing on your face to search for any signs of teasing or joking.
"because i'm scared too, and whenever i see you, i feel like everyone else doesn't exist. i'm scared, but i'll do it, if you do it," there was no going back, there was no hiding behind your phone and texts and invitations.
there was only your torn apart body and your bleeding soul, that waited for him, that was always waiting for him.
he had stepped forward and kissed you then.
he had smiled and told you that he would do it.
the wedding bells rang then.
your gut screamed at you, 'i told you so!'
and taehyung did it.
he loved you while he was scared, not perfectly, but he did it.
but 23 was still 23.
and you were still people, imperfections and fights and all.
but right now, the birthday candle in front of you flickered and threw its light onto taehyung's face.
that night, he whispered to you, "do you remember you told me that there was someone for everyone? you were right, you are my someone, and i hope you're my someone in every life."
and the wedding bells kept ringing.
-
five years passed painfully, quickly.
but slowly enough for a ring to shimmer on your finger.
you and lisa had drifted apart.
you didn't remember the face of the man who cheated on you.
your pageant-level outfits were old news.
taehyung was old news.
at least, that's what you told yourself.
because a man was holding onto your waist with a tighter grip than you'd like, but you smiled and let it go.
taehyung had touched you gently, but he hadn't stayed.
your friend from school, edward, had stayed.
it helped that your families were the ones to bring you together.
"and there she was, just beautiful and i knew i had to make her mine," edward said proudly to a room full of people who swooned and clapped. he smiled down at you, but your stomach didn't jump, your skin didn't tingle, and your heart shriveled.
the wedding bells still didn't ring with edward, even if you were set to marry him in nine months.
but they would soon.
they had to.
he was the rest of your life.
"but you know, some taming was required," he whispered-announced, and you wanted the ground to swallow you up, but you laughed instead.
"either way, i'm glad she's mine, i love her and i can't wait to live the rest of my life with her." his eyes always glimmered, but it was never with love.
it left you feeling confused.
because they sparkled.
so, it had to be something good?
but lately, his eyes made you sick in the stomach.
"love you more," you kissed his cheek, and his fingers brushed the ring on your finger.
"why don't you take it off before dinner so that you don't lose it?"
it was always like this.
the sweetest words he ever told you, were loud enough for the rest of the world to hear, but the words only you could hear, were hardly ever sweet.
when he sees your face fall, his eyes shut exasperatedly, and he forces a smile, "i just don't want you to lose it."
"i only lost your sunglasses that one time, edward and i even paid you for it, so can you leave me and my ring alone?"
"it's my ring too," he argued, eyes narrowing but when someone claps him on the back, edward smiles like the world's shining on him and he's once again the charismatic and easygoing guy you first liked.
then, he walked away with that person.
and you finally breathed again.
he was going to leave you.
not now.
not anytime soon.
but when you're older, when you have more wrinkles, when you're not as glamorous anymore, he was going to find someone younger and leave you.
you maybe had 10 years for that to happen.
you sighed.
if it weren't for your family introducing him to you, you never would've met him, and you never would've been...whatever you were now.
you left the room too.
and the bathroom was somehow a worse place to be.
it was just you.
but it also wasn't you.
your hair lay neatly with curls at the end, not one strand was out of place.
your eyeliner was thin.
your blush was a light mauve.
your lipstick was an appropriate brown.
you were wearing a knee-length skirt and blouse, both in dull colors.
and it was your 28th birthday.
28 fucking sucked.
but no one in the other room cared about that, no one brought you a cake and a candle, no one cared that you were 28 today.
even you didn't.
today was your engagement announcement, not your engagement announcement and your birthday.
edward had said it would be special to celebrate, but he hadn't even bothered with acknowledging your birthday today.
you guess, this was just 28.
maybe 29 would be better.
or worse.
maybe you were wrong about taehyung then.
maybe you were wrong about everything, too.
but you would still grow a year older, and the world would still rotate.
several girls entered the bathroom with bright dresses, glitter all over their faces, dyed hair, and they all laughed amongst themselves.
you were seeing yourself, from a couple of years ago, in women you didn't even know, and a part of you ached for who you were.
you were your person, you had your likes and dislikes, you wore smoky eye makeup to class just because you could, and now you were here, bland and drowned out.
you stared at yourself with more pity than you'd like on any other day and pushed the door open again, plastering on a polite smile and forcing yourself to get through...the rest of your life.
you blend into the crowd seamlessly, having perfected this routine, this dance of polite but not boring, entertaining but not crass, beautiful but won't claim it out loud.
you were what he said you were, tamed.
and soon, everyone became another face in the crowd, another person to greet and another person to look good to, to not embarrass edward.
speaking of edward, you looked for him in the crowd, and when you found him, you wish you could say you were surprised.
he was whispering to a younger girl and laughing obnoxiously loudly at something his friends were saying.
at your engagement, he had the gall to kiss her cheek, too.
your eyes met with his.
he looked back at you with that glimmer that you now realize is pride.
pride at having succeeded in molding you into whatever he wanted.
he changed you, tamed you, and still didn't like you, still would choose someone else, but he only wouldn't because you were the easier choice, you were already molded to fit him.
you hated that shape of you now.
you couldn't remember anymore why you ever liked him.
years of him by your side, and one look from across the room had you realizing that yeah, you could smile, fake it, be with edward, have a fine family, be a hot divorcee, you could do it all.
but you don't want to.
you won't.
you walked over to him, and his hands immediately reached out to grab you.
you placed the ring in his open palm, "i guess this was always really yours, i can't do this, have a good life."
and you hear his angry shouting, but you don't care enough to turn back, you know that he wouldn't if he found someone else, hell, he wouldn't even chase you down the hall.
your stomach twisted with pride, embarrassment, fear, and grief.
you looked at the finger where the ring had been.
a deep, angry, and red imprint glared back at you.
you should've known it then, the smaller ring size, the engagement announcement on your birthday, the constant taunts telling you to tone down, calm down, be less of yourself.
but edward was also old news now.
and you had to start over, all over again.
at 28.
but then you pass one person by.
just one person.
who you would recognize even from outer space.
and you stop.
right in the middle of the room.
you stop.
and your shoulders fall.
the relief you felt coursed through you in waves.
the relief that came from knowing that you were never wrong about taehyung.
you could be wrong about everything else in the world, but never him.
he would always come back to you and you to him.
your organs all dropped, after being hung from strings for so long, everything in your body relaxed and fell back into their place.
maybe at 28, you won’t have to start all over again.
you knew that just a couple of steps away, he paused too.
and when you turn around to see him, there's no surprise at all, there's no stiffness, there's no small talk, there's nothing except sweet, sweet relief.
there is only silence with unsaid words echoing in it, there are only eyes that scan your every inch, there’s only longing and regret and mourning pumping through every cell in you.
'there you are.'
'where have you been?'
'why did you let me drift away for this long?'
but your eyes dropped, it was painful to see him, it was always at least a little painful to see taehyung because you couldn’t believe he existed, that he was real, that he was once yours…or still was.
"you came back to town?" is the only thing you can whisper.
he had left for a job.
there were many tears.
lots of arguments.
lots of screaming.
you had tried long-distance for a year or two, but that only made you hate each other. you had broken it off amicably; you were the one who called it, you wouldn't have even dreamt of that possibility before, that you would ever let him go.
but you did, and nothing dramatic happened, but soon, you were out of each other's lives.
but you two.
you never are out of each other's lives, are you?
at least, not for too long.
"just a couple days ago," he swallowed, and his voice dropped your shoulders further.
you felt sleepy.
dazed.
cradled.
just from being around him, you felt like more of yourself.
you felt 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, and every other age that you held him close to your heart, which was apparently also 28.
"for good or?" your guarded heart asked.
"for you, and for good, yeah," taehyung grinned, struggling to meet your eyes, and the hand with the ring imprint on it, flinched next to your body.
“you knew i’d be here?”
“lisa told me.”
she was invited; she was in a different city, but she was always invited.
you had to call her, kiss her, thank her, and tell her you missed her.
you had to call so many people.
“am i late again?” he stared at the imprint.
you wanted to say yes, that he was late, that because he left you, you had to suffer for this long, you had to fall in love with someone you didn’t even like, just to forget him.
but you also just wanted to be held again.
because you knew it wasn’t his fault or yours.
and your body was calling to him.
"not too late,” you said instead, hoping that he sweeps you off your feet, squeezes the life out of you, and fills your ear with sweet words that were only for you.
taehyung’s fingers twitch, and you watch as his face goes from resignation to his fate, to hope, soaring hope.
you watch each other with amused smiles.
look how terribly our lives are tangled, even when we walk from each other, look at how we find each other.
“what are you going to do about it, taehyung?” you ask, because you wanted to run away with him and never look back at anything.
“do you love him?” the question throws you off balance, but you have the answer.
"i did once, yeah but not for a while, not anymore," you whisper, rubbing the spot where your ring used to be, “it never felt like it was my ring.”
it also never felt like it was your life.
then, he touches you, not explosively like you wanted, but tenderly like you needed.
his fingers reach for the back of your hand achingly slowly, and they brush your skin once, twice, and he doesn’t grab, he holds.
“i came back for you, i had to leave but i always knew i would come back for you.”
“even if i was with someone else?”
“you and i both know, that we are written in the stars,” that one sentence put together everything your gut had been telling you for years, that this was it, he was it, “no one can stop us, not even us and if you let me, i would love to love you all over again.”
and the wedding bells rang.
but this time, it wasn’t just your wedding that you could imagine.
it was everything.
you imagined him twirling you on a hotel room floor on your wedding night.
you imagined looking up at him from under a veil and feeling like you did everything right in your life if you ended up next to him.
you imagined coming home to him after an exhausting day at work.
you imagined waving goodbye to your kids as they left for school.
you imagined tracing the wrinkles on his hands as his hair grew white.
you imagined kissing the top of his grave.
you imagined lying next to him, in this life, the afterlife, and every other life.
so, you do what you wanted.
you pull him forward and bury yourself into his body, molding your body to fit him, the shape you always liked.
and this time, you knew he wasn’t going anywhere.
how?
because your body just knew, your heart just knew, they had known since you were 20, and they still knew now.
and taehyung moves away only to plant the softest kiss on your temple.
summary: love is supposed to leave you breathless, desperate, so full of ache, that everything else fades, and love with yoongi left you with all that and the pain of having to pick it up and pretend you never fell in the first place.
note: hey everyone, this is the first part to our long and very confusing, heartbreaking and kick-feet-in-the-air story of yoongi and mc, there's minimal dialogue but i hope you feel frustrated and delighted with them, thank you for reading! <3
masterlist masterpost
-
you and yoongi were never actually part of each other's lives.
you had orbited around each other for years before you ever spoke a word to him and that was, "yeah," a mumble passing from your lips as you stepped aside to let him open your jammed luggage, he did something to it, it fell open, you tried to thank him but he was already walking away.
so, you shrugged and moved on.
but you would see him for the next ten days.
and not even in your wildest dreams, did you ever expect, you would end up on his shoulder by the end of it.
-
trips with family friends were always a bit awkward.
you know the parents, but not really.
you know the kids, but not really.
but your parents have a blast together so, the kids bear the consequence of that.
unfortunately for you, your dad just had to be yoongi's dad's closest friend, unfortunately, they just had to be practically work wives too and unfortunately, yoongi just had to be your high school ex's best friend.
and it was already the day of the trip.
the big trip.
everything in your family was going to change in a month, you were probably going to move away, your sister was going to get married, your parents were going to be empty nesters.
but worst of all, because of your dad's robust social life, you were here staring at yoongi, who just like you, looked like he wanted to be anywhere else.
"let's go!" his sister cheered, dancing to the gate, she grabbed your hand and pulled you along with her.
but even while talking to your sister, even with a bus full of people talking over each other, his voice reached you, his loud, excited, teasing voice that seemed to make everyone around him laugh.
seeing his face, talking to him, all of it was on the bottom of your to-do list.
but you were aware, that he was around, and that he knew of his friend's first love, that he was looking at her, and you knew that he knew things that not even your sister knew.
you just wished he would keep his mouth shut.
-
yoongi was a nobody, just another annoying presence that reminded you of your past, you were quick to dismiss him as such.
then, it rained.
then, you ended up in a market on the first day because everything else you had planned, had to be cancelled.
and then, you had yoongi, his eyes on your back as you walked through the market.
you pause at a store, eyes dazzled by the one silly thing you've always loved.
labubus, or their cousins, the baby series dolls.
and you pick it up, your hands running gently over the fur of it and asking how much it costs.
it was entirely too much.
but suddenly, yoongi was beside you, casually conversing with the seller and you're frowning at the exchange.
you hadn't noticed him walking up.
the seller doesn't budge and you shrug, "it's okay, i didn't need it that badly," you speak your first, full sentence to yoongi, already walking away, not waiting for him to join or leave.
but yoongi stays back, long after you're gone.
when you leave the market, he's standing there, your doll in hand, with a small smile, "i finally got her to bend, here you go," and shoves it into your hands.
"thank me later," yoongi smiles and this time, he's walking away and your eyes stay on his retreating figure.
"oh, he got it for you?" your mother picks the doll from your hands, and laughs at it, you had almost forgotten that she and everyone else was there too, and you hesitantly laugh with her, "yeah, he got it"
and the disbelief at his actions sits heavily in your mind, even if it was simple, even if it was almost nothing but to you, it meant more than you liked it to.
you expected him to ignore you as you planned to ignore him.
because he wasn't a friend, he wasn't a anything to you, he didn't have to do any of that but he did it so naturally, the buying, the handing over, the smiling, that you're left both wary and curious.
-
yoongi's dad was a stubborn man.
but he had a soft corner for you.
he shook his head repeatedly as yoongi begged him to eat something for dinner, something about his sugar levels, something about him not wanting to bother others because everyone already stopped for food earlier.
and you watched from the sidelines as he grew increasingly frustrated at his dad, who only didn't want to inconvenience others but wouldn't admit that either, he was just plainly arguing that he wasn't hungry.
"fuck!" yoongi exclaimed, stepping away from his dad and walking away from where he sat.
and you liked his dad, his dad was good to you, he took care of you, he sent your favorite sweets home when you came back from college, he regularly was there for your dad too.
which is why, you're stepping closer and taking a seat next to him, "i'm hungry, uncle," you pout lightly, as a kid would to their dad, and he chuckles, "really?"
you nod fiercely, "of course, we ate hours ago, and i want to eat there," you point to the restaurant yoongi was trying to push him to, "should we?"
you hold out your hand and whether he knew you heard everything, or you didn't, he gives you a side-glance before finally breaking into a smile and walking with you.
"rascal, come on," he calls out to yoongi on his way and you laugh with his dad as he confusedly tilts his head at you both.
after dinner, you're standing outside the restaurant, waiting for the bus back to your hotel and yoongi comes to stand beside you, hands shoved awkwardly into his pants, "thank you," he whispers, not even looking at you and walks away.
-
yoongi might've gotten you a doll but he was still your ex's friend and you didn't want anything to do with him, nor speak to him again.
but your sister becoming friends with him, posed a small problem to your resolution.
him entering your hotel room with soju and cigarettes, also posed a small problem.
but the bigger problem was him watching you through the thin glass separating the balcony he stood at and the room you stayed in, talking on the phone with your friend.
every other minute, you would look up to see if he was looking, and each time, he wouldn't look away, but you would. your sister was talking to him, he was nodding, he was talking but his eyes and body were all angled towards you.
"she told me you liked soju and that you don't smoke," yoongi informs you as he enters from the balcony, and you nod, "i do like soju, especially this one, and yes, i don't," you hold up the peach flavored bottle.
he brings forward his glass, "want to pour me some?" and you do so, wishing for your sister to enter soon because you felt it, your body relax as he continued to speak, a growing comfort in his voice as it danced in your air and you needed someone to break it.
before you knew it, you were one bottle down and a little too happy, a little too willing to hear his stories, a little too dizzy to question when you ended up next to him on the sofa.
"and i never got to tell him," you pouted, recounting the story of your first crush, and how he moved away, and how he was your prince in a school play and how you were oh, so smitten by his easy smile and kind eyes.
yoongi nodded with pursed lips, indulging you and pouring you another glass.
"i wish i could say my first crush story was so rosy," he laughs, and it sounds bitter, you tilt your head at him, "why, what happened?"
"some stories are just better untold, believe me, i don't want to ruin the mood now, you tell me, who else has dazzled you?"
"not your friend," you say out loud, maybe both meaning to and not meaning to, and you expect him to take offense, defend his honor, but he throws his head back and laughs until his eyes crinkle.
"you know, he still talks about you," yoongi tells, sipping on his drink after recovering and you gulp, "he's irrelevant to me," and he laughs again, "he should be, i mean what you guys had, was childish, you were kids, it wasn't anything serious and he's not as good as you."
you didn't know what to say to that.
it wasn't anything big, truly, whatever passed between you and his friend.
but he and you both knew it wasn't nothing either.
"he was still my first boyfriend," you shrugged, and yoongi grew quiet for a second, "you were his first love, you know that."
you had always felt guilty that your first boyfriend didn't mean as much to you, as you did to him.
"i do."
everything stills.
you grow mute.
he shifts uncomfortably.
the simple acknowledgment of what was already fact to you both, had you looking away from each other.
and you're not so happy or willing or dizzy anymore, you want to sleep and pretend yoongi wasn't sitting across to you minutes ago.
so, you do just that, you wait for your sister to come and then, you're getting up, running away.
"i'm gonna head to bed," you mumble, and he nods, "good night," and you struggle to not feel his gaze on you even if blankets hide you away.
-
"i think that boy likes you," your sister huffs out in a chuckle, eyes widened as she puts on mascara.
"what?" you pause from straightening your hair, turning to her too quickly, and she shrugs, as if she didn't just say something damning, "yesterday, i was talking to him but i might as well have talked to a wall, it was the body language, his entire body was turned towards you even if he was responding to me."
you hold back the shiver threatening to crawl on your skin.
"that's impossible, you know about me and his friend," you awkwardly laugh and turn away from her, continuing to do your hair, "i do know that but i also know what i saw last night."
"whatever, it doesn't matter to me, he can like me if he wants but i will never put myself in that situation, too messy," you shudder as if it disgusts you and it does, but even saying it out loud, you can't believe yourself.
later, you see him at breakfast and you let yourself look, for just two seconds more than you usually would and decide that yes, he can like you but it would take a heck of a lot for you to like him back.
-
"why are you not taking any photos?" from the beginning of the trip, yoongi took pictures for others but stayed out of the frame otherwise and you didn't stop your curiosity this time.
you were on a gorgeous mountain and you had taken some five thousand pictures, you were yet to see him even take one.
he pauses, frowns at you, before letting out a chuckle, "i actually don't know."
"stand there, i'll take it," you lift your camera and guide him to where the view was prettiest, and you almost laugh at his stiff smile.
"yoongi, i'm not going to push you off, please smile," and his head dips, an embarrassed smile taking over his face, and you wait patiently for him to look up.
then, his mom walks by and he immediately pulls her close, finally smiling with his full teeth, gesturing for you to take the picture and behind the camera, your smile is just as big.
-
the cable car was big, very big but yoongi was beside you, his warmth suddenly something that you felt, and his face just a little too close.
but you stare at the pamphlet in your hand instead, absentmindedly flipping through it and pointing out the one ride you had seen everywhere on social media, "this looks fun," you mumble to no one in particular.
"what?" yoongi's voice is another murmur in the noise around you.
"this ride, i've seen it everywhere, apparently it's a must-experience kind of thing," you shrug, putting the pamphlet down and rejoining the conversation with everyone else.
your mom is raising her camera to take photos and videos of the view as parents do, and you're telling her to put it away for a second, chastising her and yoongi is laughing beside you.
"aunty, take one of us," he requests, announces, in front of everyone and her camera's on you both, yoongi shifts closer and smiles, you don't realize you did too until you see the picture later.
-
you turned a pink lucky cat figurine in your hand, admiring the light passing through its glass and knowing that your best friend back home would love it.
the seller watched you with hawk eyes, waiting for you to crack, only to walk up to you, and start showing you everything else she had, which overwhelmed you.
then, she starts saying, "your face," she draws a round in the air, "A+, your eyes too," she made a kiss with her fingers closed, "too pretty."
"she is, isn't she?" yoongi's voice both surprised you and didn't surprise you at all, and she's nodding, smiling with him and you're shrinking into the background, because he couldn't possibly have said what he did.
you swallowed everything that sentence made you feel.
"she must really want me to buy this," you laugh, brushing it off and yoongi plucks the figurine from your hand, "we'll take this."
she's more than happy to pack it up.
and you, well, you want to run away.
-
lunch was late.
you were tired and you kind of just wanted to leave everything, and go back to your hotel room.
as you poked around your food, yoongi took the seat in front of you, "guess what?" his eyebrows dance, his face barely holding back excitement and you feel your lips curving at the sight.
it was nice to see him excited.
it was nice to see him.
"what, yoongi?" you mused.
"i got the tickets," he flashed his phone to you, unsteadily showing you a chat and you realize it's between him and the tour guide.
"i asked him about the ride you wanted to go to, it's only ten minutes away from here, we can get there on time as soon as we finish lunch," he's rambling, taking back his phone and you're trying to hide the way your breath hitches.
even you hadn't bothered to check on where or what the ride was, after how exhausting the day has been and here he is, excited about something you mentioned in passing.
"we'll go?" you break out of the silent fight in your mind and see his expectant eyes, waiting for you.
no one's ever waited for you.
no one's ever cared about what you liked or what you wanted to do.
and even if you know it can't be the brightest decision you've made, you nod.
-
the ride was fun, yoongi got an extra photo of you on the ride and you refused to acknowledge that as something that happened.
but on the bus back to the hotel, the day hit like a train collision.
you curled up in your seat, hiding away your face, and slipped in and out of sleep.
then, you felt it.
cold air hitting your back.
the sound of a vietnamese fan flapping in the air.
in a otherwise, very stuffy, very warm bus.
and only one person on the bus had a handheld fan.
yoongi's mom.
"you're going to wake her up," you hear yoongi's mom chastising him but also sounding amused, you only hear his laugh back at her.
and you fell asleep without waiting for the rest of what would happened, but you continued to enjoy the cool air of his attention.
-
that night was interesting.
weird, even.
he didn't look around as he entered your hotel room anymore, just gladly made himself comfortable on the floor and kept an empty space next to him, which you didn't think twice before taking.
another friend joined.
she was sweet but irrelevant, you spent a good part of the trip beside her but ultimately found that she was too different to you.
she and yoongi, well, they hated each other from the moment they looked at each other.
every time she'd say something weird, your eyes would meet yoongi's and you would burst into laughter, and that happened often, her loud complaining got lost in the sound of your unexpected happiness.
each time you would catch a breath, you would look at him and your body would dissolve into amusement.
and you couldn't understand why you were so happy, just that you were, and seeing yoongi happy too, softened your resolution that much more.
yoongi wasn't a ex's friend anymore.
he was yoongi, now.
and that, as it turns out, posed a much bigger problem to you later.
-
"pick three for me," yoongi nods towards the lighters laid across the table and you hesitate, stepping back, "which type do you like?"
the market was so full that you still were much too close to his body, much too close to his face.
but truthfully, there was space, beside him and beside you, you two just didn't take it up, instead you stepped closer.
and when you look at him, his lips are curved into a smirk, his eyes scanning your face, "doesn't matter, pick the ones you like," and you're gulping.
"what if you don't like them?"
"i will, now stop thinking so much and pick them," he groans, teasing, exasperated and you're surrendering, hands in the air, you start looking for lighters that you think he might like.
"you know, your eyes are so loud," he speaks from behind you and your hands stutter on the cold metal.
"whatever you don't say, your eyes give them away," and then, he shrugs and starts looking at the lighters with you, "especially when you don't like something," yoongi nudges your shoulder and your eyes narrow into slits.
"oh come on, you don't hate me that much," he laughs, gathering the lighters you selected and buying them immediately.
"but you did at the start, didn't you?"
"yeah, i did."
you didn't need to say that that wasn't the case anymore.
but he hears it, sees it clearly in your eyes, that it wasn't the same now.
"good." he's smiling like he's won the world and you feel like yours has just slipped from under your feet.
-
watching someone with tender eyes was tough, you didn't know if he saw them as clearly as you felt them, even if he said he did, did he know that you'd never let your gaze soften for anyone?
but looking at the back of his head as he held onto the railing of the bus, you let them become cotton balls.
you stood behind, mere inches separated you and one jolt would have you on him.
which wouldn't have been the worst thing to happen.
then the jolt came.
and it wasn't you falling on him, it was him almost falling forward and your hands rushing to grip him but he steadied himself and your hands hovered.
maybe yoongi didn't see your cotton eyes, but he definitely saw the hands that almost touched him.
your hands rushed back to the side of your body, embarrassment coiling on your back and he smirked, enjoying your eyes darting away from him.
"what, you'll catch me?" you hated how amused his voice sounded, how sure, as if he could pick apart everything you were trying to hide.
you don't respond, just huff and roll your eyes.
then, the bus jolts again and your poor hands pick up again, the stupid instinct to hold him, save him, touch him, still powering through the embarrassment.
and he notices.
of course, he notices.
he only watches as your hands retreat again.
and you watch in real time as his own eyes soften.
you also only watch when his hands reach up, and your face falls, confused as where they could go because you were steady, you didn't need saving.
but then they almost reach for your hair and you hold your breath.
then his eyes harden, it happens so quickly, you almost don't notice until he's turning away and getting off the bus.
and you're left, hair untouched but entirely too bothered.
-
the cruise was supposed to be the highlight of the trip.
in five hours, you were supposed to see gorgeous lagoons, sail through them, enjoy the food and views.
but, you were late and the cruise had already set sail.
maybe your disappointment was too loud on your face because soon, yoongi made it his mission to get to the cruise.
everyone had silently accepted that there was going to be no cruise except yoongi, who was talking to every person he saw, trying to get you guys on the cruise.
and soon, he's on a boat that would take you to the cruise, extending his hand out to you, the sunlight shut his eyes in half, but his pride in accomplishing the thought-to-be impossible, shined brighter.
you tried not to grip his hand too tight, tried to not look at your joined hands for too long but that simple touch left you restless.
"you're going to smile now?" he whispers with a barely held back smile of his own, once your hand is in his, and the excuse to be this close in front of everyone is valid, and you try not to beam when you whisper back, "thank you."
-
you've dealt with your fair share of shitty men.
men who touched you without knowing you, asking you.
men who stood too close.
men who were worse from afar.
and even a million miles from home, right next to your family, one of them stared you down, while surrounded with his own family.
you glare back, standing your ground, and instead of getting uncomfortable and looking away, he makes an obscene air-kiss in your direction.
and you're usually so strong, so quick to fight, so quick to give back but you crumble instead.
you look away.
you swallow the growing pain in your throat.
you ignore the tightness of your chest.
you simply look everywhere but at him.
and you find yourself walking over to where yoongi is sitting.
you plop down, not looking at him, not saying anything but just trying to find some strength in his presence.
"you okay?" his voice comes as if through a tunnel.
you nod, without meeting his eyes.
you feel him stare at the side of your face for a few more minutes, before rejoining the loud and happy conversation around you.
and you grow angry, you grow sad, you grow furious but you also want to just drop, curl and cry your heart.
angry because you shouldn't be looking away, you should be fighting.
sad because you have to go through this even when you're with people you love, people who would protect you at the drop of a hat.
furious because this shouldn't happening to anyone at all.
the ship stutters to a halt at a view point, some caves and whatnot but you don't budge.
"hey, we're getting off here," your sister nudges you and something about her voice fills your eyes with tears.
you feel her hands soften on your shoulder, "look at me, what happened?"
and when you look up, you feel pathetic, you feel disgusted, you feel your stomach turn as you tell her in a whisper.
"don't tell mom and dad," you beg, and she purses her lips.
"not tell them what?" hearing yoongi's voice has you bracing yourself for more questions.
"what? hey, what's happening here?" he's stepping in front of your sister, eyebrows creasing and your jaw starts shaking, barely keeping it together, something about seeing him made you want to cry even more.
as your sister fills him in, you grow anxious because you don't need him to do anything for you, you don't need him to be a hero , you don't want to hate him if he does insist on being one.
you watch his face flash from confusion, to anger, to grim and then just, stoic.
he turns towards you, holding his hand out.
"come with me, we'll figure this out together later," and when you shake your head, he doesn't flinch, "do you need a minute here by yourself?" and the choice of it, which has usually never been given to you, fills you with relief.
"whatever you want, we'll do later, okay?" and you're nodding, he hesitates for a second before patting your head gently and walking off the ship.
-
by the time everyone gets back, you're done yelling at the guy in front of the entire ship, you're done telling him to have some shame, have some decorum, have some respect for his own family around him, to never mess with you or any woman again, because you will find him and rip his eyes out.
because you've never been one to sit back and take shit from people, especially not men.
when yoongi, and your sister, and everyone starts trickling back to the ship, you're done being sad.
yoongi's parents were the only ones to witness it, and they narrate it to the group as you sit, distracted and knees bouncing with residual anger.
"excuse me," you get up, needing to be alone, needing to let go of that anger, and you head straight to the flybridge.
you stare off into the slowly setting sun, urging your shoulders to relax, telling your body it's safe but it stays tight with tension.
"mind if i join?"
and you know who it is, because your body releases itself and softens at its edges, and because even when you're running away, yoongi finds you.
-
there's a few more stops and, everyone gets on and off the ship.
but on top of that ship, you and yoongi stay stagnant, in the oranges of the sun, in the disappearing blues of the sky and in this bubble that no one else could enter.
everything shifts and moves, but not his eyes on you, not your hands itching to touch him, not his patience as you vent out to him.
"it's just, i know i almost cried, but then-"
"why should you?"
"exactly! it's not my fault, why should i?"
"it is definitely not your fault and you know," and he's shifting closer, your breath is getting shorter, "it's rare, to stand up for yourself, i have a sister, i know how hard it is for her and any woman, to look someone in the eye and tell them how they've wronged you and you did exactly that, that's really something."
yoongi's words land in that one tender part of your heart that very few get close to.
"i can't stand being weak," you mutter, and he laughs, "of course, you don't but next time, you don't have to be strong all by yourself."
you nod, you wouldn't take anyone's help but yoongi's, maybe you would consider from now on.
"you know, i never thought we would ever be here," he gestures to the inches of space between you and your heart races with more hope than it should, "what do you mean?"
"i mean, when we first met at the airport, you greeted everyone, you looked them all in the eye and smiled at them, and just walked past me," you stifle a laugh at the disbelief in his voice.
"wow, okay, this is funny to you, i see," he sniffs dramatically but soon, joins in on your laughter.
"i didn't like you then," you admit, not wanting to say what you felt now.
"and now?" but of course, yoongi would ask you.
"and now," you muse, dragging your words and he mock glares at you, "you're not too bad," you shrug, finally admitting what he already knew and your muscles pull to smile at his dropped jaw.
"not too bad? after all we've been through, not too bad?" he's clutching his heart and you're giggling into your hands, yoongi is shaking his head but dropping his head in laughter.
"at least, you're smiling at me," he notes and you feel light, so light, so free, "i know, you should be grateful," you hum and he's shaking his head again, laughing.
till the ship reaches the dock, you're holding back smiles at each other, you're looking and looking away, you're speaking and listening, and by the time you get off, you know his dreams and he knows half your heart.
you don't remember when it became natural to sit across yoongi and tell him every thought running in your mind.
but you wanted him in it, you wanted him to know every crack and crevice that made you, you.
even if it felt wrong, even if you felt like running away, you dug your heels in, forced yourself to look him in the eye and you stayed.
because he wasn't looking anywhere else, and from now on, you knew you wouldn't either.
-
it was the last night of the trip.
and all the kids were planning to sneak out to somewhere.
"what are you wearing?" yoongi bursts into laughter the second you open the door and you stare in horror, "why are you...all dressed up?"
he was wearing a turtleneck, smart boots and he looked sharp, you noted with a gulp that he looked good.
and you, well, you were, "why are you wearing pajamas?" yoongi points at your beige loose pants, top and robe on top.
you look back to see your traitorous sister, who was wearing pajamas until ten minutes ago, changed into a cute outfit too.
clearly, you weren't given the memo.
but, "i don't have the energy to change, why are you both so ready?" you whined loudly, hating the idea of having to wear anything else and he's entering the room, ruffling your hair on his way in, and announces, "you look cute, don't worry."
and you glare at him.
"fine, you look like a little duck, which is still fine, don't change if you don't want to," he pulls you in with him by holding onto the end of your sleeve and you follow, mumbling complaints that he only laughs at.
you sit beside him and your sister as they look up places to go to.
"i think i have a fever," you announce and your sister rolls her eyes at you, "i already told you, that you don't."
"then, why do i feel like i do?" you point to your achy legs and arms, and yoongi is laughing at your misery.
your sister starts arguing with you, starts calling you dramatic and you're arguing back.
"wait, wait," yoongi puts his arms out between you both and then, you watch, dazed as the warmth of his palm presses onto your forehead.
then, his head drops dramatically, "i hate to break it to you cutie, but you don't have a fever."
then you're arguing with him.
ignoring the endearment in his voice.
and he's laughing at your scrunched up face and annoyed mumbling.
and if you didn't have a fever before, you could only think of one other thing to explain the warmth in your body.
-
turns out, everyone had actually planned to go to a club but all the clubs were closed, and everyone was frustrated, going round and round in the taxi that was sure to kick you out soon.
through the chaos, yoongi tries to communicate with the driver through translator apps, tries to calm everyone, tries to find places to go to and also figure out food for the parents.
and for the first time, throughout the trip, he loses it.
"if you know it so well, just do it yourself," he yells from the front seat to his sister in the middle seat and your eyebrows go up.
you had never heard him angry.
but you couldn't blame him, he was taking on everyone's load.
before you know it, yoongi and his sister are arguing, and everyone else is in their own kind of noise.
when they're done arguing, he's huffing and looking away from everyone, she's still yelling at him and you're afraid to call out to him, you don't know if you've earned grace from his anger because you were still barely anything to him.
"...yoongi?" you still brave it because really, what was the worst that could happen?
he would yell or snap at you too or maybe roll his eyes and not respond at a-
"yeah, tell me," he's turning in his seat to see you and his voice is...soft, removed from all irritation and you feel bashful with all his attention on you.
he was tired.
he needed a break from all this.
"let's go to our rooms, yeah? we can stop at some market to get snacks and drinks, and we can hang out in a room, let's not force the plan if it's not happening," you explain, looking around to see if everyone else in on board.
and then at yoongi, to see if he actually wanted the break or you were reading too much into him.
"god, yes, please let's do that," yoongi sighs out, already turning to the driver to request him to take you back to the hotel and everyone goes along with it.
as yoongi settles back into his seat, he looks at you one last time, eyes tender and rounded and you stay looking at the back of his head, trying not to remember how soft he sounded when he called out to you.
-
at the tiny convenience store beside your hotel, everyone splits into group to grab what they like, and you end up with yoongi.
you browse through the candies, drinks and chips, as he patiently follows you but he was quiet, his mood clearly still down from the failed outing and you're trying to search for anything that might lift his spirits.
"you like this?" you point to a strawberry drink and he shrugs, and you purse your lips, not knowing how to make him feel better, but also not wanting to push him too much.
"what about this?" you hold up a beer can, and he tilts his head, "don't you hate beer?"
and you're blinking, "yeah, how do you know that?"
"you made a face at it when i brought it the first day we hung out," he says it, and then walks ahead, as if it was so casual to remember one micro-expression from many days ago.
"but you like it." you yell after him, he shrugs but then he's calling out to you, ushering you over and you're walking towards his voice, "take whatever you like, i'll drink that."
"are you sure? i like my drinks very sweet," you hold up a finger as a warning and he's chuckling, shoulders rounding and wraps his hand around your finger, "i'm very sure, now take what you want and meet me at the register."
if yoongi saw short your breath went, he didn't comment on it, if he saw how you almost melted into the floor, he didn't say it out loud but watching his retreating figure, you knew this night was long from over.
-
in his sister's room, he lets his finger linger on yours for just a second longer as he distributes cards to everyone, he pours you your drink, and checks on you for refills, he passes you a plate of food, but he was quiet, still in a way you weren't used to.
you try to meet his eyes, but they're down, and he's sitting several feet away from you.
it leaves you feeling a bit bruised, a bit sensitive and irritated for being so in tune with his body.
by the time the night wraps up, it's only you, him and your sister heading down to the hotel's entrance for a smoke break.
you sit next to your sister on the bench, and distract yourself with your phone as they talk with each other.
"even she likes it," you hear your sister say, "what does she like?" yoongi asks, without skipping a beat and at your mention, you look up, and yoongi asks again, "what do you like?"
you don't know what it is about his voice.
or his fingers letting his cigarette hang weakly from their edges.
or his lips that wrapped around it and sucked a breath in.
or the faint traces of smoke crawling in front of his face.
or the red light from a nearby building falling just right on him, shadowing and angling his features to make every shift on his face, sharper and bolder.
or his eyebrows just slightly going up, as if challenging you to stop looking, to look anywhere else.
suddenly, every shadow on yoongi's face was haunting your every nerve and you're left speechless.
and too aware.
just too aware of the way he sits so relaxed, how his eyebrows stay up as he waits for you to answer, just too aware of how his sweater fits him, and too aware of how his eyes that were looking away before, were now burning holes into you.
you clear your throat, fighting the urge to ignore your sister and climb onto yoongi's lap and have your way with him, fighting the disgusting animal urge to kiss him till you were breathless and sure that he would be too.
you don't remember the last time a man left you this dry-mouthed, you don't remember the last time a man made you feel anything, because whatever you felt now, paled everything else.
yoongi had all your attention by sitting and smoking a cigarette, a habit you used to find disgusting but now, you could sit and watch him do it for hours.
now, you could just sit and watch him.
doing nothing.
doing anything.
existing.
breathing.
living.
as long as your eyes could see him, you wanted to keep him in them forever.
and that's how you know.
you know that there was no going back.
you were well and truly fucked.
so, you gulp and ask, "what was the question again?"
-
in the elevator back to your rooms, your sister hisses right as she steps off at your floor, "shit, yoongi has my charger, and my phone's dying."
you watch the elevator floor go up and up.
"i'll go." you say, without thinking.
"are you sure? i know you're tired too-"
"yeah, i'm sure, i'll go," you're already walking away from her and stepping into the elevator.
you push the button to his floor, hands calmly folded in front of your body, trying desperately to hide the million doubts running through your mind.
this wasn't like you.
this wasn't you.
you never tried to find excuses to spend just one more second with another person.
but here you were, in front of yoongi's door, hands hovering over the bell and anticipating the next two minutes you could have with him.
running away was safe.
running away meant you would never have to admit how you feel about yoongi.
but running away also meant that the time you wanted with him, would disappear into thin air.
you hear the buzz, you don't feel your fingers pressing the button, you hear his footsteps but you don't feel them under your feet, you hear and see everything but your body drifts in and out of itself.
"oh." but yoongi opens the door and every sense you tried to bury, explodes in your brain.
he was changed into a t-shirt and pajama pants, which hung loosely on his frame, and he tilted his head at you, waiting, just always waiting for you to break.
you clear your throat which felt drier than ever, and beg your eyes to not give away the actual reason you were here, "she left her charger here, she needed it for the night."
"of course," yoongi indulges you and leaves the door wide open as he goes inside, looking back only once to see if you were following and you do, you step in, you close the door and stay close to it.
"i would have come and given it to you guys if you left a message," yoongi says from the other side of the room and laughs when he sees how far away you stood, "i don't bite, you know, you can come in, it'll probably take me a minute to find it."
you walk cautiously into his space.
the half-opened suitcases.
the clothes folded away.
various trinkets and souvenirs scattered on the floor.
the charger right there, but his hands wandering far from it, still searching in a place where he knew it wouldn't be, just to allow you this minute.
the lighters you chose for him, tucked away in a neat corner of his bag.
he was always in your space but being in his, felt a bit more surreal, as if you were intruding on him.
"sorry, it's a bit messy, do you want coffee or tea?" he asks, finally walking over with the charger, and you shake your head, "it's two a.m, yoongi, no one drinks coffee or tea at this time."
yoongi laughs and looks at you expectantly, "but we could, you know?"
"another time." and he accepts it.
you were going to fry all your nerves if you stayed alone with him for one more second.
he folds the charger into your waiting hands, taking his time to bundle it up, letting his fingers trace your palms several times and finally, he lets go.
"thank you," you whisper, retreating out of the room and at the door, he leans on the frame, watching you go and you don't hear his door click shut until you're in the elevator.
-
the countdown had begun.
there was only seven hours left before you had to be at the airport and go back.
and normally, you would be thrilled, you loved home.
but instead, you hung behind your mother, who was excitedly buying souvenirs for everyone at home, and missed yoongi's presence.
he hadn't come out for the last-minute shopping and you simply could never say no to shopping.
but you missed him in every store, every comment he would pass as you walked by something, echoed louder in your mind, than your own sense and logic.
the shopping was a bust.
you didn't find anything and you were frustrated, a bit too tired after the very long trip and you're at the brink of tears as you follow your parents quietly, still allowing them to finish their shopping.
then, your dad's phone rings, "here, it's yoongi," he passes the phone to you and walks away, not knowing the lifeline he pressed into your hands.
"hello?" you hear your voice sound much brighter than you felt.
"oh, it's you," he muses, casual but he sounded pleased, and you turn away from your parents, a giddy smile taking over your face, "yeah, my dad's busy shopping," and he hums, "where are you guys? maybe i can join still," he sounds distracted, he yells out to someone in the background if they wanted to go too.
"don't come," you immediately say and there's a beat of silence, "do you not want me there-"
"no, no yoongi, gosh no, there's just nothing here, we're going to be heading back in a bit too," you rush to explain, you didn't want him to waste his time.
"are you sure?"
"positive, meet you at lunch?"
"of course, see you," you hear the smile in his voice before the call dies, and you're happily skipping to your parents, telling them to hurry up.
you only had seven hours.
you had to have yoongi for all of it.
-
by the time you get back to lunch, you're even more tired, the day was hot, there was a lot of walking and beyond all that, you didn't even get to shop as much as you wanted to.
so, you walk into the restaurant with your spirits and head down.
you greet everyone half-heartedly, you give yoongi a quick, tight smile and he's pulling out the chair next to him, patting it.
and you don't remember being sad or disappointed, you don't remember how exhausted you are.
next to him, you're a ray of sunshine and bubbles.
"yoongi, can we go see what's around here? after we eat?" you ask casually, pushing the food around your plate and he's nodding, "you didn't get to there?"
"there was nothing there," you whine, feeling the irritation coming back and he's laughing, you're relaxing, he taps the back of your hand just once, "we'll go, okay?"
you nod happily, swinging your legs under the table.
-
you didn't actually end up going, you were told that you simply didn't have the time and your mood died faster than a candle losing it's fire in the strongest of winds.
and yoongi sits across the bus from you, unsure of what to do to make you feel better and you're busy sulking.
but then, your sister, like an angel descending from the sky, drops a bag in your lap, "stop making that face," and your hands are digging into the bag.
and everything you wanted, fall into your hands.
"finally, you're happy?" yoongi's delighted voice comes and you're patting the seat next you to you this time, "come here, see."
you pull out the phone cases, the skincare, the little trinkets your sister got you, all while ignoring how your body suddenly grows much warmer with him next to you.
"wait, what's that?" he tilts his head at the body glitter stick in your hands, plucking it from you and analyzing it like it was the strangest thing he's ever seen.
you stifle a giggle, "that," you pluck it back from him, "is a glitter stick."
"like for arts and crafts?" his frown deepens and you're shaking your head, hand pressed to your forehead like 'what am i to do with you?'
"turn your hand over," you order and he's raising his eyebrows, "already demanding things from me?" your cheeks flush, you clear your throat, "just turn your hand, yoongi."
yoongi smirks but then turns his hand, bringing it to hover over your lap, you rub the stick on the back of his hand and massage it in with your fingers.
"see, it shines," you bring his hand closer to the sunlight for him to see the sparkles but when you look back, he's staring at you with an unreadable expression.
you feel it.
his hand almost tightening around yours.
but then.
"we've reached the airport!"
and you're jumping back from each other, your face turning towards the window and his hand going to rub the back of his neck.
-
you wished that the flight you were supposed to board in ten minutes, would get delayed, the same way your first ever flight of the trip did, you wished to the heavens and back, that this one would too.
back then, you hated the waiting, cursed everyone above and below for it.
but now, you needed the waiting.
if it meant having yoongi completely to yourself for even another second, you wouldn't mind if the rest of the world crumbled around you.
but it didn't get delayed, and yoongi was back in his element, carrying his parents' bags, making everyone around him laugh and you watched, with admiration and the kind of jealousy that didn't have any justification.
you were on a slippery slope, with no way out, so you held out your only defense, you knew his seat wasn't next to yours, you knew it was two rows away, so, you whispered to yourself, "if somehow, he ends up next to me, i have to accept that we are inevitable."
-
inevitable.
was.
scary.
his seat wasn't next to yours, it really wasn't.
but it took one creepy guy staring for too long and you biting back with, "is this your seat?" for the guy to start stammering and for yoongi to ask, loudly, in front of everyone, "i've been noticing him for a while, do you want to sit behind me?"
and you looked at the empty seat next to you, you looked at the empty seat behind him, and you said, loudly, in front of everyone, "why don't you come here? this is empty."
and you almost knocked yourself out just to not feel the hot embarrassment running down your spine when there was no response.
but his voice came, a bit shaky but yoongi pulled through like you knew he would, "you want me to come there?" he asked, as if he couldn't believe those words came from you, especially for a second time.
you wanted to melt with how bare his voice felt.
"yeah, come," you felt shy repeating it, felt shy reaffirming that yes, you wanted him in the seat next to you.
he didn't waste another second, he quickly got up, threw a glare to the creepy guy on his way to you and smiled when he reached you.
"hi," he mumbled, sitting down, but making sure not to touch you, even if you wanted his hands all over you.
"hi," you said back and both of you laughed when your eyes met.
"so, we have six hours," yoongi started, "yes, we do," you nodded, heart hammering, six hours never felt so short, "you're not sleeping," he instructs and you pull back, "no way, i'm definitely sleeping."
"we'll see about that," he smirked and you felt as above the clouds as you literally were.
it didn't feel real.
his touch.
his presence.
you felt as if you were watching it unfold from out of your body.
yoongi's knees brushing against yours' and both of you leaning forward until your heads touched, until you felt his hair on yours, just to let out a laugh, just to speak one word, and pretending all of this was casual, all of this was friendly, it was scary.
he scrolled through his camera roll, showed videos of his sister's wedding, showed videos of him dancing and warned you not to laugh, only to laugh with you when you finally broke.
he showed to you his world, through a screen and you watched, possessed and captured, you watched until your eyes only replayed him, his face, his people, his world, his care and just him.
even as he whispered jokes to you and you laughed, your knees shook, your hands barely stayed still, your head swam in a mess of emotions that were cloaked by how dark the cabin was.
but one light switching on would let everyone know.
you were falling in love and you were grappling at straws to prevent it from happening.
and right before the lights went on, yoongi whispered, "i've never had this kind of a person," and his eyes shined as he looked at you, as if he was proud to have found you.
and it felt so good to be wanted by someone like yoongi.
"what kind of person?" you hated how breathy you sounded.
"the kind of person i can say everything to, like i can talk about my work and you'll listen, i can talk about my family and you'll listen and i want to listen to everything that you want to say too," he said like it was no big deal, like it didn't just knock the wind out of you.
"i'll always listen, yoongi."
but you never could tell him everything because everything would ruin you.
-
the first flight was bumpy, you almost cried at the landing, your stomach twisted and turned, your mind flashed with images of the plane crashing and through it all, yoongi's soft voice told you stories that were supposed to distract you.
they didn't.
but you still wanted to hear more.
you had one more flight.
and the longest layover.
and yoongi.
who had rejoined his family.
you watched the back of his head disappear into the crowd and sighed as if you lost your love in a war.
"can you both please shut up the next flight?" your sister groaned from beside you.
"what do you mean?"
"your giggling, him talking, like i'm sorry but you aren't the only two people on the plane, some of us like to sleep," she rolled her eyes and walked ahead, you caught up quickly.
"was it that obvious?"
"i was sitting on the other side of the plane to you, what do you think? fucking annoying," she continued complaining but you were already on cloud nine.
it wasn't just you.
it wasn't just in your head.
someone heard it.
someone else witnessed it.
it actually happened.
somehow, that was a bigger revelation than you'd expected.
-
in the lounge, with your father refusing to talk to you after a fight, with every little thing annoying you, with even breathing feeling like a lot, you watched your phone and waited.
one message.
and you would run away.
but not from him, no, this time, it would be to him.
and yoongi never disappointed, his message came, another drop in the growing ocean of what you felt for him.
within the next five minutes, you were walking out of the lounge and finally maybe, to where you belonged.
it was so jarring, to feel the weight of the world fall away from your shoulders just because your eyes caught a glimpse of him.
you were yet to hear a word from him.
you were yet to receive any comfort.
but just him walking towards you, made you want to slide your feet and fall into his arms, and let him make you forget about every little thing that ran your blood hot.
"hey," his voice came soft, came low, came in a way that you knew it was only supposed to reach your ears, "are you good?" came immediately after, concern creasing his forehead.
"i fought with my dad," you wouldn't admit this to anyone else but you know he will handle it gently, even if you might know about 99% of who he was, you knew he would handle you gently.
he stays silent, he had his fair share of fights with his dad, right in front of you too, and then, as time moved slow and fast, extends his hand out to you.
you wish you waited a second before you took it but you don't, and when he smiles at your hand in his, that second too felt like too long.
-
in the airport, your hearts are another two ghosts wandering about, bleeding out and you're trying to plug it all up, to not let the stain show, to not let the world know, that you longer belong to it, but only to yoongi.
he guides you to sit down and his hands don't jerk away from yours, they slide away, as if trying to leave their traces on your skin.
"the trip was good," yoongi starts awkwardly and your eyebrows go up in amusement, in his attempt to diffuse the smoke between you, but you play along, "yeah, it was pretty good."
"will you disappear after this?" he laughs, hands folding in his lap and your smile fades, "would you like that?"
yoongi sits back, and you wait with bated breath.
the smoke rises again, the invisible kind that made you question everything you know about him.
"do you want me to think of you as his ex only?" he asks instead of answering you.
"no, don't."
"then, don't."
"i won't."
the smoke clears.
-
something happening once was coincidence.
something happening twice was inevitable.
and everything with yoongi, seemed to be inevitable.
sand slipping from your hands.
sun breaking through clouds.
water surely reaching the shore.
inevitable.
yoongi.
inevitable.
and you swim in that thought as yoongi's dad gets up from beside you, "i want to go bother your dad," he cheerfully tells you, clearing his seat and you think, it can't be yoongi again, the world wouldn't give you that time again, it has to be his sister, it has to be anyone but him.
but.
but.
god, the world must really be feeling generous or just more dangerous.
yoongi takes the seat beside you with a sheepish smile, you hold your breath, feeling his gaze on the side of your head but no longer knowing what to do with it.
because this was it.
the last two hours you would be this close to him.
and you didn't want to walk away from this, all scarred and beaten up, you wanted some relief from the ache of knowing that once you got off this plane, every glance you give him would have to be measured, contained.
but then, yoongi's leaning on the food tray, stretching his body and softly groaning into his folded arms, and you wanted to caress his hair, you want to get all the pillows in the world to put under his head.
his sister's saying, "no mom, we have to go back to our home, our gardener misses us," she laughs, sharing a smile with her husband who's beaming at her.
and you realize.
that's what you want.
a place of your own.
with people that miss you when you're gone.
and someone to share all that with.
you look at yoongi's head and he's peeking at you from a gap near his arms, it's no longer a surprise to you, his gaze and his attention, in fact it would've surprised you more if it wasn't on you.
you lean down on the tray too, trying to find a comfortable position and you slowly slip into a half-asleep state.
in the middle, you feel him adjusting your tray to extend more, you feel him pushing his hoodie in the middle of your arms, you feel his hands almost brush your hair back, you feel everything but stay asleep.
halfway through, you feel brave.
you had hands.
you could touch him.
it was bright sunlight.
everyone would see.
but you had hands.
and yoongi would probably never be next to you again.
so, you suck in a deep breath and lean back, only to tilt and let your head hit his shoulder.
you feel it again.
the shudder passing through his body.
his hands tightening around the arm rests.
his head as it lightly leans back on you.
and it's everything you want.
in a second, you had the world in your hands.
for a second, you let yourself feel everything you wanted to.
affection.
gratefulness.
tenderness.
ache.
longing.
love.
because in some minutes, it would all go away.
you squeezed your eyes to hold back tears and lean away from yoongi, to sit up and you hate how soft he sounds when he says, "you can sleep, it's okay."
you turn and sleep on your sister's arm instead.
you hate that he keeps looking at you even after your eyes close.
you hate that his voice is still light when he talks to others.
you hate that his laugh rings in the air as your heart squeezes dry in your chest.
-
when you land in your hometown, you feel changed.
just viscerally changed, in a way that it would take time for both your mind and heart to catch up.
and you avoid yoongi's gaze.
suddenly, every word, every touch, every glance, seems as if it's been magnified under a microscope and everyone could now see, that you were in love and you couldn't control it.
you wordlessly nod your goodbyes to everyone.
you hold yoongi's eyes for longer than you needed to.
and when you get in your car, you see him standing in the sideview mirror, you see him watching you go until the world swallows his figure up.
summary: jungkook was your first love but first loves were supposed to end, they were supposed to be a fond memory to look back on but your first love never leaves your life, nor does he stay in it.
note: this is inspired from my first love <3
masterpost
even if years, ages, and places separate you, maybe you’ll love jungkook all over again every time.
you had met him in school, in college, on a different continent but he never stayed in your life for too long, and you hadn’t stayed in his either.
but now that you believe you wouldn’t see him again, only because you were standing next to your soon-to-be-husband, you believe your never-pausing story needed to be told.
and oh, would you look at that? it seems like jungkook has entered the venue to hear it too.
-
it was the 9th grade when you first met him.
it was simple and so innocent.
you had your new school bag resting behind you, and your shoulders kept knocking against your sisters as the bus drove on the road and abruptly stopped at a place that it never did before; down the lane from your home.
you curiously looked out and heard your bus manager faintly mumbling something about a new student joining the bus.
and there he was, a head full of bouncy hair and a smile that wasn’t exactly present. even as he walked the length of the bus with his head down, he didn’t give off insecurity, it was more like he avoided looking at most people.
he sat down, right behind you, his legs stretching could be seen under your seat and you didn’t look back just yet. you had no idea why.
your sister, sunny, turned around, hand clasping the seat, and eagerly asked, “you’re in B section, aren’t you?” your ears perked up at that, and you subtly leaned in to listen to him.
why you had been curious at all about someone whose face you hadn’t seen, is something that was beyond you but you were consumed inside out with curiosity from the beginning.
he nods at your sister and doesn’t offer another word but when you tilt your head to look back, you see him looking right at you.
that’s when it all began, there were no words at all, just a boy who hadn’t looked at anyone but looked at you as if he could draw you the very next second.
-
your sister, ever the extrovert, talked to jungkook every day, they laughed and made fun of each other, you smiled at their conversations but never contributed yourself. you listened though, and you listened well.
by week two, you knew how he sounded when he was bored.
you knew how his voice hitched when he was excited.
you knew how his voice would get low whenever he pulled a sarcastic joke on your sister.
jungkook’s eyes would dance to the back of your head, wrapped neatly in a ponytail every single morning, to see if you would turn back, to see if he could catch a glance of those small smiles you let out sometimes but most days, he would just talk loud enough for you to hear about him.
he never understood why he had wanted you to listen, but he couldn’t tell you anything directly, and he wanted to look cool, sound cool, make jokes in a cool way, in a way that would make you laugh and once he got home, he always felt ridiculous for feeling that way.
and then, as if a miracle, your sister didn’t come to school one morning, jungkook could see you alone, ponytail brushed back as always, school bag resting on your thighs, and felt a stabbing need to hear your voice, talking to him.
he settled behind you, legs stretching again and his fingers danced on his thighs as he thought of a way to talk to you, just then your head tilted slightly, as if you were trying to catch a look at him and jungkook felt his smile burn into his skin.
“why did sunny not come today?” you jumped as he fully leaned on the back of your seat, your eyes drifted to his face, “she’s not well.”
those were the first words you had ever spoken to him.
“why is she not well?” was not his best, but he needed to keep it going.
sunny was on her period.
“stomach ache,” you murmured, ignoring how his eyes twinkled with each word that escaped out of you. you hadn’t believed that eyes could twinkle up until that day, but then again you think you’ve never seen jungkook’s eyes twinkle with anyone else.
“she must’ve eaten something bad, didn’t she? she seems the type to be careless like that,” jungkook snickered and your face grew red hot, “what she eats or doesn’t eat, isn’t any of your business.”
your tone, your eyes narrowing sharply to glare at him, was a sight jungkook would get used to later, but for now, he didn’t know how to react.
he was taken aback that you had gotten so serious over a simple joke, then it clicked to jungkook that you were one of those oddly protective people. nothing else could explain your red cheeks and furrowed eyebrows.
and he grew giddy.
you were oddly protective.
a new thing he got to learn about you because he had conjured up the courage to start a conversation.
“my bad,” he shrugs into his seat, and his nonchalant response makes you feel guilty, so you sigh and turn back fully to face him.
that was the first time you saw him straight on, with no sideway glances, no peripheral view of him, just his face and nothing else.
“you have adam sir for physics too, right?”
it was something you picked up from the multiple conversations you overheard.
“um yeah?” he wasn’t sure where you were going with this, “does he come into your class with chalk on suspicious places too?”
you were talking about your dear adam sir who constantly came to class with chalk all over the front and back of his pants crotch area, everyone but adam sir himself knew about his crotch chalk.
and jungkook laughs out loud, “oh my god, yes, i don’t know whether to be horrified or mildly impressed with his lack of self-awareness,” and you laughed too.
when you stopped and looked at him once more, he was already looking at you and the smile on your face didn’t break until you reached home.
-
it was normal now, you and sunny would turn around, talk to jungkook until you reached school, and then wait for the evening, when you could talk to him until you reached home.
you were quick to anger, he noticed.
you often fought with guys in your grade with a rage that both scared and fascinated jungkook.
you were calm with people you liked, you were fun with people you liked, you were passionate about things you believed in.
you always were a bit frustrated with him, but you still laughed at his jokes.
he was sarcastic, you noticed.
he had no interest in most things.
he didn’t like drama but always knew everything about everyone.
he always looked at you after he made a joke, as if to check if you thought it was funny, if you thought he was funny.
and you would always laugh, he would always feel a seed of pride in him whenever you turned away, hiding your laughing face in your palms.
you knew he liked you; you weren’t oblivious or stupid.
you’re not sure who he told or how it even came out, but suddenly, everyone around you knew about it.
the rumors started a month after you talked to him, you had known him for six weeks which felt like six years, but you didn’t like him back.
he knew that you didn’t like him back.
but that didn’t stop him from trying to look cool to you.
something his friends never let him succeed at.
on children’s day, you were allowed to wear anything besides your uniform, and that was a very exciting thing then, you always wore your best outfits because your mom believed in looking good and feeling good.
you were standing in the middle of the ground, waiting for your friends to come back from getting food when someone tapped swiftly on your shoulder, it was one of jungkook’s friends, smiling at you as if he knew you. you didn’t know the guy; you only knew he was jungkook’s friend.
“hey, could you take a photo for us?” he mused, you almost said no, but then you peeked around him, to see jungkook with his very huge group of friends, he wasn’t looking at you, he was looking at everything but you.
it confused you.
his friend’s smile got wider when he noticed you staring at jungkook, you ignored him and took the phone dangling from his hands, you watched as they all got closer and started smiling.
jungkook’s smile was so small, so invisible, so you yelled, “smile everyone!” and you tried not to smile too when his smile took over his entire face until you couldn’t see anything else.
“thanks,” his friend came and took his phone, jungkook left, eyes glancing over his shoulder where you stood, an unavoidable warmth spread through your fingers.
but you didn’t like him.
not the way he liked you.
right?
-
“he likes you, he told his friends and well, they told my friends, who told me,” sunny rambled beside you, shifting through her closet and you didn’t know what to say, “do you like him?” she turned around to you, eyebrows raised as if she judged you a little if you did, and you shrugged.
“no, how can anyone like him?”
-
you had people who admired you, liked you even, but very few were honest or brave about it.
so, when the sister of a guy who you thought was only your friend, knocked on the window of your seat, you were confused. she smiled, “this is for you,” she pushed a letter, bracelet, and chocolate into your hands once you opened it, running away before you could ask anything.
you saw your friend peeking from the corner of a bus, watching your reaction to his confession, you looked away and shoved the letter and bracelet into the front pocket of your bag.
jungkook watched the whole exchange silently, a strange jealousy settled in his stomach as he looked out the window to glare at your friend, who sadly only had his eyes on you. then, he watched you and tried to understand what you felt from the back.
it wasn’t easy.
his friend gasped and howled next to him, “she got a letter, bro” he teased jungkook loud enough for you to hear, jungkook waited for you to turn around and tell his friend to shut up and mind his own business.
but you didn’t, you didn’t get angry like you usually did.
you were hyper-focused on the bracelet resting in your bag, and jungkook scoffed at it, he could do better, he won’t, but he could.
“she got a letter and you’re still just sitting here,” his friend tutted at him and jungkook shrugged his friend’s arm around his shoulder, scowling at him.
you rested your head on your window and closed your eyes, letting the warmth of the sun penetrate you.
when it was just the two of you on the bus, he leaned forward, “he wrote you a letter?”
“yeah, he did.” it was embarrassing to tell jungkook for some reason, it felt like cheating, receiving a letter from someone else when he was right behind you, though none of those feelings held any validity.
“he gave you a bracelet and chocolate? that’s just childish,” he snickered and expected you to laugh with him but you didn’t, “we’re still kids,” you mumbled instead, and jungkook straightened.
“do you like him?”
“no.”
“do you like anyone?”
“no.”
“why?” he stood with his bag in his hands, the bus waiting for him to get down and you didn’t notice his nervous stammer then, you were too confused by the bracelet and chocolate in your bag.
“i just don’t.” he nodded and left.
you kept the letter and bracelet in your school memories box.
-
somewhere jungkook knew that you knew, but he was always grateful that you acted like you didn’t know.
but it was unbearable for him.
seeing your swaying ponytail every morning, hearing your laughter ring in his ears at times when you weren’t even around him, driving by your house a few fifty times a day to see if you were talking in the balcony sometimes because you did that sometimes, sometimes it felt to jungkook that you did it for him.
sometimes you did it for him, for him to see you.
why?
no one knows.
you and jungkook were friends, only friends.
you and him were friends, but you never talked when others besides sunny were around, your conversations were yours and his, and no one else’s.
you weren’t sure that was how friendships worked, but you thought maybe friendship with jungkook worked this way.
he had your number but he never called, you had his number but you never called.
but one day, right before your final exams started, your phone rang and your heart stopped when you saw his name flash on your screen, you stared at the screen until your phone stopped ringing and didn’t touch your phone until it was night.
you opened it to several messages from jungkook and none of them were about school or the annoying kids on the bus or his annoying friends or your annoying friends.
jungkook: i like you.
jungkook: i think you know that. but i wanted to tell you.
jungkook: i know that you don’t like me, but i like you and i’ve tried to avoid it, but i see you every day, and i can’t avoid you, i can’t avoid how i feel.
jungkook: if you somehow like me, reply to this, if you don’t, don’t. just act as if nothing happened when we see each other tomorrow.
you couldn’t study anymore that night.
the next day, you turned back with sunny and talked to him as if nothing happened, you complained about your syllabus, he laughed that he didn’t even open his books, and sunny bragged that she finished everything and helped him with some important topics.
you ignored the pull in your heart at how openly his affection showed in his eyes now when he looked at you, his sentiment was simple, he had said his bit, and he had nothing to hide anymore but you grew heavy on that seat in front of him, you had everything to hide.
sunny squeezed your hand as you looked out the window.
she knew what happened.
your eyes filled with affection too, gave it away.
-
why did you never tell jungkook that maybe, just maybe, just a small part of you, a part of you that you wanted to destroy, liked him too?
you never understood why your sentiment cowered under layers whereas his laid naked in the world.
and middle school for you, high school for him, came close to ending by the time you ever confronted your feelings.
it was the last day for middle schoolers, you had a whole event thing in the school and dressed up accordingly, you had gone to school with your dad.
but once the day ended, you got onto the bus with a shirt full of your classmates' signatures and notes, you were a little late and flushed from the sun, you plopped down on your seat and fanned yourself.
sunny pulled the scribbled shirt from your hands, “god, you really filled it up,” you pointed to each signature and note, explaining who it was from, and when a huge note from some guy in the class who liked you came, sunny teased you and jungkook glared at the back of her head.
but a knot of sadness formed in his throat, he wouldn’t see you every day after this, he wouldn’t see you sleep on the bus, he wouldn’t hear the r-rated jokes that you whispered to sunny, thinking that no one could hear, he wouldn’t hear you silently cry after a bad day.
to jungkook, today felt like the end of a lifetime.
then you turned around, with tired eyes and a shy but carefree smile, you extended the shirt to him and said, “write something good, jungkook.” he felt as if he was going to fall off his seat.
his name in your voice was something he would remember for years to come.
he asked for a pen because of course, jungkook didn’t carry a pen in his bag that had one notebook, you scoffed and gave him one and he thought for very long.
i love you, felt wrong to write on a shirt that was littered with other people’s love for you.
and as he read each note, jungkook suddenly felt small, so many people loved you, much better people than him, he couldn’t even write anything as a goodbye to you whereas others wrote whole paragraphs.
he wrote something quickly, under your watchful and expectant gaze, and handed the shirt back with a weak smile.
‘be happy, always. jk’ looked back at you and you couldn’t help but laugh at his small handwriting next to everyone else’s. you didn’t notice his dejected posture, nor his distracted gaze out the window.
“really? that’s all?” you said with a teasing smile, extremely amused by his words and he shrugged at you, playing with his hands.
but he felt it when your smile dimmed and you turned around with a silent huff, he felt even smaller as he got down from the bus, craning his neck to see you and your yellow dress, for the last time in the bus that held all his adolescent love.
you didn’t look back at him.
-
your exams ended, you joined high school in a different part of the city, jungkook joined college in a different part but his home remained down the lane from yours.
you didn’t see him as much anymore, you only saw his car drive by through your window, but he did message you whenever he could, even if you didn’t see each other, you knew every person he knew, he knew every overbearing teacher you hated, you knew every class he skipped and that he started smoking, and he still knew just how to make you laugh to make you forget about the pressures of high school.
and calling him a friend, in the midst of all that, felt wrong, it felt so wrong, you were so alone in your high school, and he was the only tie to your familiar and comfortable past, so you confessed.
it wasn’t anything grand, you knew he liked you back, and you weren’t worried about getting rejected, but still, you held your breath as you typed a message to him.
you: i like you too.
you: it took me too long, didn’t it?
his reply was instantaneous.
jungkook: what.
then, your phone rang loudly, it almost fell from your hands and your mom eyed you suspiciously, you called out a friend's name to appease her and ran off to your room, shutting the door behind you and lifting the call with shaky hands.
“you’re not joking with me, are you?”
“no.”
“so, you like me?” you heard the smile in his voice and let your head fall against the door in a blissed-out sigh.
“i do.”
“really?”
you laughed, “really.”
“really, really?” you couldn’t stop giggling at the barely contained excitement and doubt in his voice, “really, really, jungkook.”
“fuck.” you faintly heard his laugh of disbelief on the other line and stopped yourself from sinking to the floor and talking to him for hours.
“text me, my mom’s awake still,” you mumbled, and he sighed but it was happy, it was out of relief, “yes, ma’am.”
jungkook ended the call with the biggest smile on his face, his back resting on his car, slid down as he tried not to squeal and jump in the air and his friends raised their eyebrows at him.
“what happened to you?”
“she told me she likes me,” he mumbled, the words feeling so much like a lie on his tongue but it was true, it was finally true, and even if he didn’t say the name, his friends knew exactly who it was, “holy shit, really?” they crowded around him and started demanding for details but he brushed them all off.
“i have to go, i have to text her, i can’t do that when i drive, you guys will get back by yourself right?” he didn’t wait for their reply as he got into his car and started the engine, all he heard before pulling away was, “that lucky bastard.”
and he was, he was the luckiest man in the world.
-
turns out, jungkook was the luckiest man in the world for a few moments only. you were so sweet sometimes that he wanted to wax poetry about you, but he had expected that after your confession, you could date, he could call you his girlfriend, and you would go out to the movies, he would feed you popcorn and your head would rest on his shoulders.
but.
“i just think labels aren’t necessary,” he tried not to frown too deeply as your voice swam into his ears, “what do you mean?” he sat up on his bed, phone clutched tightly in his hands.
“isn’t it enough that we like each other? why do we have to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend?”
“but why shouldn’t we?”
“jungkook, i don’t know how i feel about making it so…permanent,” on the other end of his phone, your eyes gathered tears because you didn’t know why you were saying the words you were, but the idea of dating seemed so immature to you, too troublesome and dramatic, you just wanted to like him and have him like you.
“are we not permanent?” he was only so young and so innocent; the words left him with a delicate veil of terror.
why weren’t you thinking of forever? you were his forever, was he not yours?
“how could we be permanent? we’re kids,” your nervous laughter twisted his guts but he didn’t say a word, “do you not think of a future with me?” jungkook felt pathetic asking the questions he did.
“it’s not like that jungkook, i like you, of course, i do but shouldn’t we worry about us here in the present than somewhere in the future?”
it made sense to you because you were already apart, he was in college, you were in high school, he smoked now, you hated that, you grew more cynical, he hated that and later, you would only be further apart, who was to say you would stand the test of time?
but i love you, hung on his lips.
he just mumbled, “okay.” he never was okay with it and his disappointment couldn’t have been louder.
“jungkook, i still like you-“ your mom called out to you and your panic rose to your throat, “my mom’s calling, i’ll text you, okay?” and the line went dead.
jungkook fell back on his bed, his head was now heavy with you, he couldn’t help but notice that you kept saying that you liked him.
you never said that you loved him.
-
you: our school function is on the 26th, this is our chance.
jungkook: are you telling me i finally get to meet my girlfriend?
you: haha not your girlfriend but yes, you finally get to meet the girl of your dreams.
jungkook: emma stone is coming?
you: very funny jungkook, i’ll block you.
jungkook: now don’t go and do that, what will you wear?
you: you will see that day, what will you wear?
jungkook: you will see that day :D
you: so annoying.
jungkook: only to you :]
you: i’m excited to see you.
jungkook: you have no idea how long i’ve been waiting to see you.
-
at the school, your palms grew clammy as you walked around with your friends, and your dress flowed with you as you walked but you didn’t feel pretty that day. like every other teenager, you had a huge breakout of acne just the night before and you had cried, you didn’t want jungkook to see you like this.
you were sure that he had higher expectations for the girl he liked and while you usually didn’t care about others’ expectations of you, you cared about his.
you knew he was already in the school but you weren’t actively looking for him, you wanted to delay meeting him as much as you could, you didn’t want him to see your face and you didn’t look at your phone.
you let yourself be completely occupied with your friends even if you see him walk by a couple of times from the corner of your eyes. jungkook, on the other hand, just didn’t know how to approach you, he didn’t know if he’d be disturbing your time with your friends or if he’d annoy you by acting too clingy, so he stayed away as well.
sunny observed the whole exchange in bits and pieces and couldn’t believe how ridiculous you two were being. as his friend and your sister, she decided to take things into her own hands.
so, as you laughed and talked to your circle of friends, she pulled on your arm, took you aside, and whispered, “dude, why aren’t you talking to him? he’s been waiting for you.”
“i thought he was with his friends,” you lied, and she sighed, “he hasn’t hung out with them, to make sure he had time with you and i don’t know what is going on with you, but your boyfriend is waiting for you and you need to go.”
“not my boyfriend,” you mumbled as she dragged you around to where he was sitting.
until you saw him, very well-dressed, with shiny shoes, a crisp shirt, and a lopsided grin, none of what you had with him felt real.
but seeing him made it real, it made your love for him take a physical form, you weren’t sure you could handle that sense of reality just yet.
romance, love, affection, all of it was easy through a screen but seeing his finger ridges in real life and wanting to hold them, was hard.
“hey,” he mused, patting the spot next to him and you didn’t sit, you hid your face behind your hair and muttered a greeting, and sunny gagged next to you, “can you please not do this lovey-dovey shit in front of me?”
jungkook was enjoying it though, his girl, not his girlfriend apparently but still his girl, was too shy to see him.
the ever-fierce, angry, witty, and smart girl disappeared and in front of him, was just a girl in love. and even if you never said it, he felt it in the moment.
“okay, i’ll go now,” sunny said, but you grabbed her arm, “stay,” you whispered to her and she geared up to start cursing at you only for jungkook to say, “stay, it’s fine.”
he realized that if sunny was around, you would at least say a few things, because right now, he couldn’t see anything but your hair.
so, sunny stayed.
and they talked, you chimed in, it felt like the first day of talking to him on the bus. jungkook observed that you were a bit more grown up now, a bit taller, only a bit though and a bit softer than when you were in school, and just like he loved the loud, rude, and angry girl, he loved the soft, shy, still angry girl, that he was looking at.
you thought he was looking at you because you looked different, uglier, and that he was contemplating just letting you go.
but that night, when you returned home and texted him, you felt like the prettiest girl in the world.
you: so emma stone didn’t come, how do you feel?
jungkook: heartbroken but another girl made it up to me.
you: oh yeah, how was that?
jungkook: it was like i was seeing her for the first time again.
you: and?
jungkook: she’s more beautiful than i remember her being.
you: jungkook, i had pimples all over, you don’t have to lie to me.
jungkook: you don’t know yourself at all if you think some pimples take away from how beautiful you are.
you: you think so?
jungkook: i spent an hour looking at you, walking here and there in the school, so i’m confident about it.
you: i felt ugly today.
jungkook: that happens sometimes.
you: i don’t feel it anymore.
jungkook: you never should.
-
it was five days after the function, on new years, january 1st, that you two broke up.
things had been going so well but suddenly, they weren’t.
after the magical night at your school, he hung out with his friends a lot, and he started drinking, you were still too young for all that, and you were dying in your high school with never-ending exams and classes. both of you had forgotten about each other while also thinking of each other every second you could.
you were supposed to meet him on january 1st, in a café that he was raving about called the terrace, you had planned a whole thing so your parents wouldn’t get suspicious, you would go with your sisters to the café and come back with them, but spend all the time there with him.
it wasn’t easy to go behind your parents' back, it always felt like you were betraying them whenever you talked to jungkook but you were also in love, and your parents took a back seat for you on that day.
you waited in the café, and your sisters constantly asked where he was and when he was coming, you told them he would come in a minute or two, which stretched on for hours and the night ended with your sisters giving you pitiful gazes and long, silent hugs.
you came back home with an anger so familiar, so out of your control that you couldn’t see or say anything else.
“where were you?”
“i got drinks with my friends, i was going to leave i promise-“ and you cut the call, you watched your phone ring again and again until it went dead silent.
jungkook: please talk to me.
you: you know how difficult it is for me to come out with my parents watching my every move, you know how much i planned for this night and i did it because you kept blaming me for never going on dates.
jungkook: typing….
you: and when i do plan for a date, you end up going somewhere else?
jungkook: you think i don’t have a life of my own?
you blinked back tears that your anger let escape from your eyes, that was the first time you felt your chest physically hurt.
you: i never said that, jungkook.
jungkook: you know it’s funny because if you weren’t such a coward, maybe i wouldn’t have to beg you to meet me, maybe we would’ve already gone on dates, and today, i could enjoy with my friends the way i want to. you don’t even let me call you, my girlfriend.
you: don’t you dare call me a coward, my parents aren’t easy to deal with.
jungkook: saying that just makes you sound like even more of a coward.
you: if i’m such a coward, maybe you shouldn’t be with me anymore.
jungkook: maybe i shouldn’t, yeah.
you threw your phone aside, you wanted him to say i’m sorry, i fucked up, let me plan the next one, but instead, he was indifferent, as if nothing mattered to him anymore, as if you didn’t matter to him anymore.
you couldn’t picture this man as the same man who looked at you with stars in his eyes and a scary thought passed through your mind, he was madly in love with you only five days ago, and now, he wasn’t.
people could change, and then hurt you, so you vowed to yourself that you wouldn’t let anyone have the power to hurt you anymore.
you: so, we’re done?
jungkook: yeah.
you: please don’t smoke anymore.
jungkook: what i do is none of your business anymore.
-
and that was that.
you blocked him everywhere and he wallowed in his self-pity for days, you didn’t know how he was, which new people he met, if he smoked two or three cigarettes in a day anymore and he didn’t know about anything going on in your class, or about the new biology subject they introduced or about your friend's antics.
it was like he was never there in your life in the first place.
right after the breakup, you didn’t cry, you didn’t feel anything, you went to high school normally the next day and smiled while telling your friends, “i’m finally single!”
they looked concerned, then they laughed at your indifference to the breakup but your best friend leaned and asked, “are you okay?” and you nodded happily, “of course i am, he’s just a guy.”
but jungkook sadly wasn’t just a guy, he was your first love, your first ever brush with romance.
so, a month passed and you called your best friend.
sitting at the edge of your bed, you told her everything you knew about jungkook, you laughed at how stupid he could be sometimes, and you cursed him out for doing what he did but then, you started crying and you couldn’t stop crying, “i miss him, i miss my friend.”
she listened as you felt your heart finally tear apart inside you.
you knew you couldn’t trust anyone or love anyone again.
this time, it felt like a lifetime ended for you.
-
two years passed and you didn’t think of him anymore, you weren’t sure if he thought of you, you would only be reminded of his existence when exes and relationships came up in conversations with friends, those always ended with you bitterly cursing him.
you hated him.
the guy who showed you how love felt, was the guy you hated most now.
you moved cities, a better, bigger city and you tried to fall in love again, you did try.
you went on dates with your newly found freedom, you tried to like them and their stories, but the only stories that held any value to you from your youth were with or about jungkook. because you felt every face of your youth, with him.
and you couldn’t possibly talk about your first love with guys whose faces bled into each other until they all became one, and jungkook remained another.
but still, you rarely thought of him.
you didn’t think of him when you went on your first date ever (technically, you never went on a date with jungkook), you didn’t think of him when you called that guy every single night and told him superficial things about you, you never told him things that mattered, you had your first kiss and ended your first ever situationship.
but you weren’t hurt at all. you never gave another person the power to hurt you because you felt it once, and you had no intention to feel it again.
and after months of living in another city, you went back home for a while and your best friend insisted on going to the same café where you were supposed to meet jungkook, on the day of your breakup. it wasn’t her fault that it was the only good café in your tiny city.
you went.
you talked and laughed with your friend.
your phone pinged.
jungkook: you’re at the terrace?
perhaps, you forgot to mention that you unblocked him a while ago, it wasn’t to talk to him of course, it was just to remove negativity from your life (you wanted to feel that young love again).
you: yeah.
jungkook: wait.
you turned to your best friend with wide eyes, telling her that there was a huge possibility that jungkook was coming and she grimaced, she never liked him.
then, he strolled in, hands in pockets, and gave you this smile that covered years of doubt, you always thought he would glare at you and hate you but he just walked in, waved at you, and sat down without saying another word.
seeing him this up close after years of watching him from the corner of your eyes and the tilt of your head, filled you with a breathless excitement because he didn’t change, he didn’t change at all.
“hello, it’s been long,” he greeted you, and then the both of you broke into giggles at his formal tone, “it has been long, yeah.” you replied with a nod, begging for your eyes to hide their reviving affection.
then, you talked.
you had years to catch up on so you told him everything, you told him about your college, your still-horrible teachers, your friends, the new places you’ve explored, and how different everything was in the city you studied.
he listened with a carefulness that you never thought he possessed.
a simple but reckless thought caught you by the throat as jungkook leaned forward and laughed at something you said.
is this how it feels to make someone laugh?
is this how a date with him then would’ve been?
did i just miss out on everything good in life?
then, he told you everything and you listened.
jungkook stuttered multiple times because he had truly forgotten how his body got when you were around, he was suddenly aware of his every nerve, and he was aware of his fingertips that were centimeters apart from you, he was aware of your legs that were right next to his under the table and he was aware of you refusing to look at anyone but him as he spoke.
not even once did either of you acknowledge january 1st from two years ago.
“it’s 6 right now,” your best friend reminded you and you gasped, “already? shit, we have to go,” jungkook’s disappointment fell like water over his head and flooded his shoulders.
“where do you have to go?” he asked, as casually as he could.
“we have to meet another friend, a little bit far from here, so we’ve got to get going,” you said, and jungkook nodded, his car keys twirled in his hands, “do you mind dropping us?”
he almost jumped out of his seat to say yes, but remembered himself and nodded once again, “not a problem at all.”
all three of you were silent as you walked to his car which turned out to be a jeep of sorts, no surprises there and your friend got in the back, you got in the front and buckled your seat belt, your chest compressed a bit more as you tried to wave all of this as something friends did.
you were friends with him, in some way.
he got in as well and you felt twitchy in your seat, your eyes took in the unfamiliar car and jungkook watched as you saw another new thing in his life with boundless curiosity.
“you vape now?” you saw the three vapes thrown in the middle of the seat and he shrugged, “sometimes, you wanna try?” you shook your head, both as a reply to him and to shake away the odd memory of january 1st, when you had begged him to stop smoking.
“do you still smoke?”
“yep.”
you didn’t say anything as your heart sank.
he handed you his phone, as if it wasn’t something that contained everyone’s deepest, darkest secrets, he told you his passcode and let you choose whatever song you liked.
and as you scrolled through his song library, you found many songs that you had recommended to him years ago, “you still listen to these?”
jungkook tensed up, clearing his throat, he answered, “sometimes.”
you didn’t probe any further.
you didn’t play the songs you recommended either, things were weird already.
on the way, jungkook talked to your friend and then you, you talked to him, played all the songs you liked and at every stop sign, you ignored jungkook looking at you with a smile and soft eyes, as you turned to talk to your friend.
when you got down, you had a brief, disgusting thought of asking him to drive you around and just staying in his car to find out everything you missed in two years.
but you didn’t, you got down, you thanked him, he tipped his invisible hat at you and smiled, and you looked away, waving at him.
“not a word from you,” you told your smirking friend as you walked away from his car.
the rest of the night, you dreamed as your friends talked and got loud, you sighed as if you had someone to miss, you checked your phone constantly for any messages from him and sighed again when you didn’t get any.
but at midnight, your phone pinged.
jungkook: never thought i’d see you in my car lol.
you: never thought i’d be in your car.
jungkook: well, i’m always there if you need me.
jungkook: for a ride, i mean.
you: i’m always there too.
you: to give you company in your big, lonely car, i mean.
jungkook: is that so?
you: yeah, good night jungkook.
jungkook: god, good night.
both of you fell asleep with hope brimming in your dreams that night.
-
so, it started again, you texted every day, you told him everything you did in a day and he did the same for you, he still had this incredible ability to make you laugh when you felt down and you still fascinated him to no bounds.
and days bled into each other, you returned to the city where you studied, feeling a bit more homesick than you had before.
you got to know that he had failed some subjects in class, “how many?” you whispered as if it was a secret that no one should know, you couldn’t imagine failing, and he laughed, “it’s only five, you don’t have to ask like that,” but five failed subjects would’ve given you a heart attack.
he got to know that you started research with your professor, “will i understand even if you tell me what it is?” and you laughed, “i don’t think so,” he would later console you when the professor steals your work, “he sounded like a dick anyway, you deserve a much better mentor,” he pursed his lips when he heard you sniff on the other end, “do you think so?” and he couldn’t believe how little faith you had in yourself, “of course, i do.”
you started talking at night too, and those conversations, well, you never thought you would think of them again because they were so raw and so true and they reminded you of things that you thought you had forgotten.
through a phone, you both laid your hearts bare.
“have you been with anyone after…” his voice was rougher than you remembered, as if age and life had worn it down but both of you were still so young.
you weren’t as young as you once were though.
“yeah, one guy. and you?” you twisted the necklace resting on your collarbones as you asked him slowly, you didn’t want to know but you also wanted to know.
“a couple of people, yeah.”
“oh.” your disappointment was only felt by the four walls holding you in your room.
“none of them worked out though…none of them felt real,” jungkook bounced the smiley face foam ball in his hand as he stared up at the wall.
you didn’t know if he said that to console you or if it was just how things went.
“why not?”
“well, it all got so physical, there was no love or affection, i mean i didn’t feel it at all,” and you sucked in a breath, trying not to let jealousy coat your tongue when you spoke, “physical, huh.”
“don’t say it like that,” he laughed, sitting up on his bed, “these days, that’s how it goes, it shouldn’t but yeah, i guess sex just takes a front seat in relationships now.”
you didn’t want to talk about sex with jungkook, you didn’t want to know who he did it with.
“maybe.” you answered dismissively and he laughed again, “ey why are you being so awkward about it? it’s a natural thing,” and you groaned in embarrassment, “can we change the subject?”
“of course,” you sighed out in relief, “tell me, have you done anything at all?” you wanted to hit him through the phone and you let him know that, “i’m going to hit you, i swear to god, jungkook.”
“you gotta catch a flight for that now, so” he whistled into the phone and you didn’t fight the smile growing on your face, there were no witnesses except the darkness in your room, you were free to do whatever.
“i’ve only had my first kiss,” and jungkook regretted asking the question.
he had always thought he would be your first kiss.
“oh yeah?” he asked, no longer interested in knowing but for you, because it was already out, you wanted to share more with him, as a friend, so you kept going, “yeah, it was in a car,” your first kiss wasn’t bad, honestly it was everything anyone would want in a first kiss.
after saying that, you realized how dirty kissing in a car sounded, so you gasped and corrected, “but it was just a kiss, nothing else happened.”
jungkook shook his head, smiling into his phone, you still sounded so young, so much like the girl he fell in love with, “you don’t have to explain anything to me or anyone, you know that right?”
“right.” you breathed out, scolding yourself for overreacting.
“but, you know,” he said, in a softer tone, as if his next words contained magic, “yeah?” you whispered, your fingers now clutching your locket with all your strength.
“i love what we had,” and your breath hitched, your eyes filled with tears, and your adolescence that loved him reared its head again, “our love was so pure.” he continued, sighing into the phone as he turned over in his bed.
he never loved anyone the way he loved you, he didn’t even know he was capable of so much love until he met you and jungkook gave up on feeling it all again.
he waited for your reply with bated breath, not knowing if he went too far.
“it was.”
he smiled again; his heart filled with something that he tried to push away.
“don’t you have class tomorrow?” he asked, glancing at the clock that shined bright with 3:34, and you yawned, “it’s fine, keep talking.”
jungkook bit his lip to stop himself from squealing in happiness, you wanted to stay awake just to talk to him, “still, we have tomorrow, we can talk later, you go and get some sleep.”
and there was silence for a few seconds before another yawn came from you, “you know what, you’re right but we’ll talk later,” you said, a bit dazed from how sleepy you were.
“i’m always right,” he snickered and you scoffed, “whatever, good night, jungkook.”
“good night.”
you couldn’t stop thinking of his voice saying that your love was pure even when you dozed off and he clutched his phone to his heart, he could only wait for tomorrow to come sooner.
-
it was nice, not knowing exactly what you guys were or acknowledging your past, it was nice to pretend that you had never hurt each other in the first place. and many days passed by with both of you together, but not together.
“what did you do today?” you hummed into the phone as you fell onto your bed, you heard shuffling on the other side, and then noises, “uh i’m out right now,” his voice came in gargled and broken.
“oh, okay.” somehow, even if you tried to not think of it, you thought of how he never showed up to what would have been your first-ever date because he was out.
“i’ll call you later, is that alright?” he sounded like he was screaming over the sound and you couldn’t help but feel dejected, even if you had no right to feel that way now, “yeah, sure. have fun, good night.” you tried your best to sound perky and the call ended.
what were you even doing?
how did you think that talking to your ex would go or end well?
and why were you even still talking to the guy who broke your trust in people?
you rolled around on your bed, not being able to fall asleep, and not wanting to stay awake either, eventually, you gave up and read a book until you dozed off.
when you woke up the next day, there were no texts or calls from jungkook the way he’d promised he would. you threw your phone aside and got ready for the day.
then you woke up the day after, still nothing from him. and the day after, the day after that, and many days which you spent frustrated and alone.
you should’ve known how it would end with him.
-
jungkook: hellooo (4:40 pm).
you: hey (8:30 pm).
jungkook: busy day? (9:00 pm)
you: pretty hectic, yeah. (10:30 pm)
jungkook: call? (11:04 pm)
you: i’m pretty tired, another day? (11:10 pm)
jungkook: tomorrow? (11:24 pm)
you: another day. (11:37 pm)
jungkook: okay, good night. (11:45 pm)
you: good night. (12: 20 am)
jungkook: typing…
jungkook: typing…
he threw his phone away.
-
you weren’t sure exactly how it happened but soon, there were no messages or calls from jungkook, you heard from sunny that he shifted from the home down your lane but you didn’t bother texting or calling him either, you held your head high during the day and missed his voice in the night.
after a couple of weeks of minimal communication, you returned home with a nervous smile on your face, you hoped no one in your house noticed how often you checked your phone or how you sometimes talked to yourself in the darkness of your room.
you went back to the same café, again it was no one’s fault that there wasn’t a better café in your city, you sat across your best friend, sipping on your hot chocolate and nodding to whatever she said, trying not to avert your gaze to your surroundings.
you’re sure you saw jungkook outside, but you’re not sure if he saw you and a nervous pit sat in your stomach at the thought of seeing him again.
why did meeting him feel like the first time every single time?
you shook your head, leaning in to hear your best friend until she got up to use the restroom, you leaned back on your chair and let out a sigh.
you couldn’t even enjoy some good brunch without thinking of his ridiculous face.
then, the door opens and you pay no mind to it, you scroll through your phone, liking and watching reels and then someone sits next to you, and your eyes immediately snap up to tell them to fuck off.
but then your eyes melt.
“hey,” jungkook smiles, one of his cheeks pressed against his fist that propped him up and you almost smile back, you almost forget everything again.
the calls he never made, the texts he never sent, how he acted suddenly too busy for you, the invisible rejection, you were ready to forget it all, but you couldn’t bring yourself to be okay with that.
“is it easy for you?” he sits up, his smile wavers a bit, “what do you mean?”
“is it easy for you to act like nothing happened? like we never fought and broke up?” you didn’t recognize your voice; it came out so stern but you felt so weak.
“but nothing happened, sure we broke up, but that’s a normal thing, everyone goes through breakups and ends up as friends.”
“are we friends?”
he does not answer, he looks away instead at the painting of a dog on the wall.
and your anger almost runs you over.
“jungkook, are we friends?”
“…yeah.” he hesitates, jungkook feels his heart in his throat as you stare at him with so much disappointment and so much hurt, he never knew that you cared about the breakup, he had always thought that you would’ve moved on very quickly but the tears flashing in your eyes proved him wrong.
he didn’t know what to do with the fact that you were hurt during the breakup, he only pitied himself and thought of himself but he never stopped to think that maybe you had enough love for him, to feel hurt too.
“as my friend, i need to tell you something then,” you gathered your courage, you were going back tomorrow so you wouldn’t have to deal with the reality of it.
“go on,” he bit his lips and tapped his fingers on the table, and your friend walked back in, she raised her eyebrows at his figure sitting next to you and then looked at you with both concern and a thousand questions.
you stared at her with pursed lips and she nodded, grabbing her earphones, putting them on, and sitting across from you, head and eyes turned away from your conversation.
“i think i started liking you again,” you still liked him, “somewhere in the middle, i got a bit confused and my feelings grew again.” you watched his reaction with careful eyes, he only looked back at you with blinking eyes.
“but i don’t like you,” came his reply, and you sucked in a breath, heartbreak fresh as ever settled in your chest.
then, why did you call me at night and tell me our love was pure?
“i know, that’s why i said it in the past tense, i don’t feel that way anymore,” but you did, you just couldn’t do anything about it anymore.
“well then, that’s good, right? we can go back to being normal.” he clapped his hands with a joyous smile that made you want to rip his head off, “no, i don’t think i can do this anymore.”
his hands fell and so did his smile, his ego returned and put a scowl on his face.
“can you make a decision here?” he thought back to all the times you corrected him when he called you his girlfriend and his annoyance grew above his head.
“i am making a decision here, don’t get snappy with me” you spat back at him, your mind flooded with every time he led you on and hurt you, “i can’t do this confusing shit with you anymore, i don’t think we can ever be friends and i don’t see a point in trying to force it.” you huffed out, falling back on your seat.
“so, we just never talk again?” he mumbled, you couldn’t read his face anymore.
“i guess so, yeah,” another lifetime of yours flashed before your eyes as he nodded, pushing the salt and pepper shakers on the table, and then he got up abruptly.
please don’t run, please make me stay this one time, you tried to beg without saying a single word.
“then, let’s do that,” jungkook nodded at you again, he nodded at your friend and left the chair as it was before he ever came.
once again, it felt like he never existed in your life before this.
“are you okay?” your best friend’s earphones were now neatly folded on the table, and you nodded furiously, “of course i am, he’s just a guy.”
-
years passed again.
he cleared his subjects from what you’ve heard, you were done with your degree, on time unlike him, from what he’s heard and jungkook was on another step of his life again.
he stared at the unfamiliar faces in his class with resignation and sighed to himself, jungkook kept lifting and dropping his phone at every notification and groaning every time he saw it was from his life insurance, his one message remained unread.
jungkook: i start my master's today. (5:00 am)
he stared at the message until his eyes grew blurry, it was noon now and you hadn't seen it, intentionally of course, and just when he put it down one more time, he heard a ping.
you: good luck. (11:45 am)
he stared at it until he grew annoyed and deleted the entire chat.
-
you were going to america to study, it had taken a lot out of you in preparation for it and after hugging your parents and family goodbye and crying for hours in the airport, you pulled out your phone and nervously hovered over his profile. you started typing with dried-up tear streaks on your face.
you: i’m going to america today.
jungkook: really?
jungkook felt uneasy about the sudden large distance between you two even if you hadn’t spoken in ages.
jungkook: all the best.
jungkook: be happy, always.
you bit your lip as you looked away with a quivering chin and tears lined your eyes again, you deleted the entire chat too.
-
a year into being on a new continent, you felt all kinds of homesickness and excitement for your new home still, you worked harder than you ever had. and as bad as it sounds, you had forgotten that you once knew a boy called jungkook or that you ever loved him with your entire being.
he had become a thing of the past, something you never talked about anymore even if your friends brought up exes and relationships, he became a ghost of sorts, and only you could see him now.
you didn’t know what he was up to, if he ever finished his masters or racked up backlogs there too and you didn’t bother yourself by thinking about it too much.
but when it came to jungkook, you didn’t have to think about him to come into your life, he just came and went whenever he wanted.
nothing else could explain why you would find him, of all people in the world, under the neon lights of a house party that you were at, on a different continent.
and you didn’t feel anything, not any residual love or even the desire to be near him, you just felt wary about seeing him again.
he also saw you and gave a nervous smile. you smiled back and disappeared into the balcony.
suddenly, your wariness grew into pain, and your pain grew into a longing that you shouldn’t feel anymore.
you slid down on the wall and brought your knees up to hug them as you laid your head on your thighs and breathed, just breathed.
the balcony door opened again.
you knew who it was. maybe you had hoped that this would happen too, but for now, you didn’t look at him.
you heard his groan as he sat down beside you, his hands and knees almost touching yours.
and that’s when you realize, in all the years you’ve known him, this was the closest he ever came to you.
was this why he had called your love pure then?
because you had never touched each other, but felt each other in every corner of your existence?
“what are you doing here?” you whispered into your legs but he still heard you, “vacation, didn’t think i’d see you here.”
“i didn’t think either.”
“kind of ridiculous, isn’t it?” he laughed with emotion you couldn’t decipher, his warmth bled into you as you leaned on him a bit.
you felt the shape of a cigarette box in his pockets but swallowed your hurt.
after years, maybe you just wanted to touch him and see what it’s like. and he didn’t question your knees knocking against his.
“that we keep running into each other? i’m starting to think you stalk me,” you teased, a small weight of your longing lifted off you.
“oh please, if anything, you are stalking me,” he teased right back, feeling himself ease into this situation with you, just like every other time.
but as nice as it was to be this comfortable, you were still so consumed with questions that haunted you. and there was no one else here, no best friends, no sisters, no parents to worry about, no one but you and him.
“why didn’t you admit that you liked me back then?” you lifted your head to stare at him, there was no malice in your question nor any accusation, just curiosity.
“so, you knew?” he cleared his throat with a sheepish smile on his face, jungkook’s eyes shined the same way they had when you were in that bus, all those years ago.
“you told me our love was pure at 3 am, it wasn’t too hard to understand,” you shrugged, as if saying it out loud didn’t take your entire heart out of your chest.
he shook his head while laughing softly, “always such a smartass,” and you smiled, “you’re just too dumb.”
that’s when he really laughed and the stars of the night came together to light his face up as he threw his head back, you stopped yourself from falling in love again.
“well,” he breathed out, jungkook’s face contorted to become more serious and you knew that whatever he said next took a lot for him too.
“you always felt too big for my love, as if i could give you everything and that still wouldn’t be enough.”
your eyes dropped at their corners.
“what?”
“i don’t know, you were always so passionate, so good to others, so fucking smart and you had your shit figured out, you always told me these things that sounded so magical but i never fully understood them. i knew i couldn’t ever match up to that, even if i loved you with all of me,” he whispered, he clenched his eyes shut to avoid looking at you as he spoke, “i knew that even if i loved you, i couldn’t love you the way someone else could, someone who could love and match up to you.”
“jungkook,” you whispered too but your voice broke, and your throat grew scratchy with emotion.
“i’m telling the truth by the way, when you said you were leaving for america, it took everything in me to not pack a bag and follow you,” then, he opened his eyes and looked at you, you felt like you were back in 9th grade, staring at him with a tilt of your head.
“why did you say you stopped liking me then?” he asked next and waited patiently for you to wipe the corners of your eyes.
“i was always afraid that somewhere i would disappoint you and the idea of our relationship. you liked me so much and i felt that i had to live up to what you liked, otherwise, you wouldn’t like me and i’d be alone again,” you whispered the last part slower than anything else, “that wasn’t your fault though, i guess i was just scared of not being who i thought we would be.”
you sniffed and stared at your feet that lined up with his.
he stayed silent beside you until your sniffs grew louder.
then, he pulled your head over his shoulder and let you cry until the sunrise came and took away everything that the night tried to protect.
you woke up in an empty bed the next morning and when you left, you saw jungkook sitting on the couch, long arms stretching over the back of it, you stopped for a second to see if he’d get up and wrap them around you, to acknowledge all the love he showed you last night, you waited for him to utter a word that would make you stay.
but he only blinks at you.
you run out the door, you don’t know if his voice calling to you was him, or a creation of your deepest, most shameful wishes.
-
several years passed once more.
you don’t know why you invited jungkook to your wedding, you didn’t know if he would even come, but seeing him enter through the same doors that your now-husband had, pierced you with something sharp. he came up the stage, his eyes never left your face, and stood next to you for a photograph.
you didn’t look to see if he smiled or not. his hands hovered over your waist and your breath got caught in your throat, jungkook handed your husband a bouquet with a polite smile, he looked older, and quieter but his eyes remained shiny as ever.
when he started to pull apart and leave, you grabbed his arm, “stay for dinner, okay?” and he nodded, giving you a playful salute and exiting the stage.
you smiled at your husband and continued to take photos.
at dinner, you and your husband sat next to him as polite hosts would and talked about superficial things; jobs, taxes, work-life balance, and life.
“i think i’ll leave now,” he got up from his seat and you got up too, “i’ll see him off and come back,” you squeezed your husband’s hands which jungkook looked away from.
outside, it was just the two of you again.
“do you love him?” you weren’t shocked at his question.
“i do.” you really do.
“but you never loved me, did you?” he laughed bitterly, but his face held years of hurt and you held back your tears.
“i did.” you really did.
jungkook had been waiting to hear those words for half of his life and now that he’s heard them, he thinks he can let you go now.
“it was not easy for me to invite you.” you admitted with a nervous laugh, your eyes darting down to the gravel road.
“it isn't easy for me to be here,” he loosened his tie around his neck and his voice now reminded you of how old your first love got and how far away you were from the bus where you fell in love.
“but god, after so long,” your voice held every bit of yearning and nostalgia you felt.
a montage of your very young, very long, and very stupid love played in your eyes and you blinked it away.
“it sucks that we didn't work out.” it didn’t just suck, if jungkook told you how he really felt about seeing you with your husband, you would slap him.
he could do better, he won’t but he could.
“maybe we were just supposed to love each other then, you know? maybe it wasn't supposed to grow at all,” you answered, even if you knew it wasn’t entirely the truth, your love growing was out of your control.
but maybe you two weren’t ever supposed to love each other so much, maybe you were supposed to love each other a little and then let it go but both of you had been stubborn, both of you clung onto the innocence of your love, something that you paid the price for, for years.
“i dont know about all that, i just know that our love was-“
“pure.” you told and jungkook smiled, shaking his head, “yes, pure.”
“i still don't know why i loved you so much,” jungkook wondered why it had started, the deep infatuation and affection he held for you, was unnatural.
“i don't either,” you never understood why your lives were entangled for so long.
“will i see you again?” there was no hope in his tone, only a simple question with a simple affection.
“no, i think this is a good ending point, don't you?”
“so i don't get to show off my wife like you showed off your husband?”
“well in that case, maybe we will.” though, you burned on the inside as you imagined another person standing next to him.
“right, maybe we will.”
a silent smile passed between you two and when jungkook left, he squeezed your hands, “thank you for letting me feel love so early in my life. i wish you and your husband well.”
“thank you for loving me so early in my life. i wish you and your future wife well.”
he walked away but he looked back.
please don’t stay with him for too long.
you gave a weak smile.
please don’t find someone else.
and then you separated, another lifetime ended but this time, for the both of you.
summary: love is supposed to leave you breathless, desperate, so full of ache, that everything else fades, and love with yoongi left you with all that and the pain of having to pick it up and pretend you never fell in the first place.
masterlist masterpost
-
because moving on is always so easy, isn't it?
what do you feel when you like someone?
tummy-hurting despair?
butterflies that flutter right in your ears?
warmth that still requires 100 coats?
but you didn't feel any of that with yooongi.
not at the start, not during knowing him, not much at end but somewhere in the moments you knew him, you knew you wanted his hands on you, you wanted his voice to clear the butterflies in your ears, you wanted him around you even if he was just existing, and you never knew if he felt the same, which is why,
you never moved on.
-
(snippet!)
you and yoongi were never actually part of each other's lives.
you had orbited around each other for years before you ever spoke a word to him and that was, "yeah," a mumble passing from your lips as you stepped aside to let him open your jammed luggage, he did something to it, it fell open, you tried to thank him but he was already walking away.
so, you shrugged and moved on.
but you would see him for the next ten days.
and not even in your wildest dreams, did you ever expect, you would end up on his shoulder by the end of it.
-
note: hello everyone! i write to you, from a new country, after a very long time with an apology and a new series. things have been hectic but my love for writing and purging my emotions has stayed strong, i hope you enjoy this one.
summary: the last time you saw jimin, you were pathetically deep in a one-sided love while he wasn't even at the shallow edge, that was when you were on the stage, dancing and acting together for hundreds to see. now, you are grown, you like to think you're cool but when jimin comes back to your life, you are just as pathetically deep, once again, in a one-sided love.
masterlist masterpost
you were breathless when the lights cut out, the crowd immediately broke into loud applause and your teammates gathered around you to congratulate you but as good as all of it felt, your eyes searched for him, desperately, more desperately than you would ever admit to anyone else.
and when you finally caught him, he was leaving the stage, he didn’t turn back like you hoped he would, he didn’t congratulate you like you hoped he would and you swallowed your tears.
but it was okay.
it was going to be okay.
you would see him in class in a few days and everything would fall into place.
for now, you grab the friends around you and squeeze them, hoping everyone mistakes your tears for happy ones.
-
you like to think that you’re cool.
you didn’t cry when you broke up with your first boyfriend, you didn’t crawl back to him and never begged anyone for a second chance. you set a ten-minute timer to cry for your second boyfriend and when he called you right after breaking up with you to ask how you were feeling, you told him you were reading a book and cut the call.
so, yes, you are cool.
maybe a little too cool because now, you’ve been single for two years and your friends take more offense to that fact than you do.
“we are just worried babe, you don’t seem to like anyone,” mia whispered with her hands in her boyfriend’s hands, as if it was some big secret.
“you don’t have to be,” you gulp down your drink, ignoring all the looks your friends and their boyfriends give you.
they didn’t have to be, you were perfectly fine the way you were.
you were totally okay with sitting at the end of the table with an empty seat next to you, you were okay with listening to your friends be all romantic with their boyfriends, you were okay with everyone.
sure, sometimes you wish you had someone to call at night and talk nonsense with, and yes, it would be nice to have someone you can call yours and someone who would sit next to you as if any other place was unacceptable.
but those were all things you could adjust with, all things you have grown to get used to.
“but seriously, you don’t like a single person we set you up with, i know you have commitment issues but i don’t think you’re even trying,” megan, who you could always count on to give you a reality check, spoke up with you guessed it, her boyfriend’s arms around her.
next to her, faye pursed her lips and turned away from the conversation to say something to her boyfriend, you were at least grateful that she didn’t add to the advice.
“you were single till two months ago, don’t act like you’re some love guru,” you bite back and the whole table falls silent and you hate it.
you hate that you have to sit here and listen to them advising you as they’ve figured it all out.
you hate that you look bitter as fuck right now.
you hate that, just because you don’t have a partner, everyone thinks you’re miserable and lonely.
you hate that you probably are miserable and lonely.
“okay, let’s look at the menu, what does everyone want?” mia chimes in, the mom of the group, the problem fixer where glaringly you are the problem at this table, and everyone is gracious enough to follow suit, and check the menus.
except you.
“i think i’m going to leave actually, i feel pretty tired,” you pick up your bag and immediately everyone starts protesting, “you know i didn’t mean it in that way,” megan grabs your hand with softer eyes and you nod, “i didn’t either, i’ll meet you guys another time.”
and just like that, you’re not mad at her anymore.
“please stay, it’s been so long since we’ve met like this,” faye whispers next and you want to scream that it could’ve been just you and the girls, that you hated their boyfriends coming as extended versions of themselves but she did stay quiet, she didn’t encourage your friends shitting on you so you sit back down.
“sorry, i’m late,” your ears pick up on a new voice and you instinctively look up.
you almost kill yourself on the spot.
“hey guys, this is jimin, my friend, i hope it’s okay if he joins us,” noah, megan’s boyfriend gets up and hugs his friend who very gladly returns the hug and nods at everyone at the table as they introduce themselves.
but you already, unfortunately, know jimin.
just not from here, or from any recent period in your life but from a buried piece of school history.
and when he gets to you, you mumble your name and immediately look back at the menu.
what was he doing here?
did he recognize you?
you hope the fuck not because there wouldn’t be a bigger embarrassment than him remembering that he rejected you even before you could ever ask him out.
but when he sits next to you, you stiffen up, mutter out some dish’s name, and pretend to be very interested in the shape of your plate.
why did he smell so good?
“oh yeah, i think she went to the same school,” you hear faye’s voice and immediately, your hands clench on your lap.
“really?” and his voice isn’t familiar or unfamiliar, you know it’s been years, and voices, sounds, and faces change but jimin’s voice always had a certain warmth that no one else seemed to have.
and he still had it.
he carried that warmth everywhere.
especially in his eyes, which were looking right at you when you lifted your head up.
“i’m sorry?” you clear your throat and faye answers, “he’s from your school,” and you make a ‘is that so?’ face and quietly nod along.
“which year did you graduate in?” jimin speaks from your left, you swear he’s recognized you already when he leans into your figure, and god, if that didn’t make you want to shoot yourself.
“2015,” you say and then grab your wine glass, keeping it close to your mouth so that you don’t have to speak.
“oh same!”
you fucking know!
he is delighted of course and the smile on his face still makes your face red.
and that knowledge only twists your guts further.
“that’s great,” you dare to glance briefly to nod at him and then turn back to everyone else.
“okay.” he purses his lips and looks away.
fuck.
you were being rude.
it didn’t seem like anyone really minded cause they continued with their conversations but you and jimin were now deathly silent.
you had to fix this.
you can’t have him hate you in the present too.
“i know you,” is apparently the best you can do and you want to smack yourself when he raises his eyebrows at you because, from a supposed stranger, that was creepy and mildly horrifying to hear.
“oh?”
“yeah, you were in the cinderella play in school, the prince,” and it was out.
now you have to hold your breath and see if he laughs in your face.
“i was,” and then he cranes his neck to look at you.
really look at you.
you wait.
you know he’s going to hate you when he figures it out, you know that you’re going to kill yourself at this table.
but he keeps looking, eyebrows narrowing and dropping, eyes scanning your every feature, and you know he’s putting his earlier pieces together, that it’s finally clicking for him.
his smile disappears.
his eyes lose all warmth.
you can tell the second that it clicks for him.
“you were cinderella.”
you can’t hide, you can’t look away, you can’t run, all you can do is meet his cold and sharp gaze.
and nod.
he looks away, puts his head down, and lets out the heaviest sigh.
you try not to reach for the knife on the table.
-
the rest of the dinner was…awkward.
so painfully awkward.
once in a while, the conversation would turn to you both and you would force yourself to say a few words before going mute whereas jimin enjoyed the conversations only to fall mute whenever you spoke.
it was embarrassing, the hot kind of embarrassment that paralyzed your entire body, every movement you made felt unnatural and forced, every time your hand moved, jimin would jerk away and towards the end, you just folded your hands on your lap and refused to be mobile.
if anyone noticed anything, they didn’t say a word.
“we should still get a few more drinks,” megan insists outside the restaurant and you twist your entire face at her, “what?” she shrugs her shoulders and you look away, panic rising in your throat.
two hours beside jimin was torture enough.
any more and you would probably combust.
“actually, i agree,” jimin steps away from his conversation with noah and for a split second, you catch him looking at you but you turn away, though the split second still leaves your knees shaking.
“i would love to host you guys at my place if everyone is comfortable,” he offers graciously, a smile reaching his eyes, warmth so bright and inviting on his face but you know that the invitation didn’t extend to you.
and the same way you fell head over heels for him, you see everyone around you falling for him, their eyes soften, they all nod at him and start cheering at the long night ahead of them and you, well, you just want to go home, knock a few teeth out and escape from the country with a fake passport.
but everyone turns to you, your silence is a bit too loud in their chaos and you stammer as all of their faces pick up in anticipation.
“i’m gonna turn in for the night, you guys go ahead, have fun!” you raise your fists in cheer, cringe internally at yourself, swallow that shame, and start waving goodbye and turning around to leave.
and you were truly so close.
so, so close.
your cab was booked, the night was done and you exhaled in relief.
until you hear steps coming towards you, “come, it will be fun,” jimin’s voice was still new, a sound that almost knocked you over and you shifted on your feet, “you don’t want me there.”
“did i tell you that?”
“you don’t need to, jimin,” you hate how breathless you sound when you say his name.
jimin tilts his head at you, eyebrows furrowing again and you want to duck and crawl away from his sight, “i would lov-“
and your cab pulls up.
you clear your throat, “thanks for inviting me, but i have to go, goodnight,” and you step away towards your cab, not waiting for his response.
as your cab pulls away, you avert your eyes away from the pavement where he stands, eyebrows furrowed still, and eyes following the tires of the cab.
you take a deep breath in.
you would never see your first crush again.
and that was probably for the best.
-
sixth grade was life-changing for you.
it was the first time you realized you could feel so much for one person, even if you never intended it to happen that way.
you didn’t even know someone called jimin existed in school until he walked into your practice room, with a head full of thick, soft hair, with this smile that had you frowning, with this walk so confident which was uncommon in guys your age.
everyone was busy being cool, everyone was busy being something they were not but jimin was always just him.
when your drama teacher announced him as the prince in your drama, you nodded and looked away, passing him the script later and walking away.
liking jimin was never part of the plan, liking jimin wasn’t something you ever saw as a possibility, you always thought his personality was too much, too loud, and that he was a little too naïve and a little too bubbly.
but soon, he became your prince, as if every terrible cliché in the world had to come true, he became everything you would ever want in someone.
-
days passed, you watched the photos on your friend’s instagram from the night that you never ended up staying for, and you felt a jolt of joy every time jimin was in their pictures.
he still looked fucking gorgeous, he still smiled with his entire face, and he was still tall and moved with a confidence that guys, even at your age now, usually lacked.
it was a shame that he hated you.
you sighed, put your phone down, and waited for your nephew to burst out of his preschool class. as an aunt, you were constantly on babysitter duties, those duties included picking and dropping him places, taking him out to the park, attending parent-teacher meetings if your sister was too busy like she was today.
it was exhausting at times but your nephew was your baby too.
speaking of your baby, sunoo runs out the door full-speed, eyes darting everywhere before they land on you, you’ll always remember his smile as he heads straight towards you, your heart always picks up and immediately your arms are open to him.
“hey baby,” you mumble into his hair and he giggles, holding onto you tightly and you stand up, with him still koala wrapped around you.
when you look down again, a little girl is staring up at both of you with large eyes and you are immediately concerned.
where are her parents?
why is she alone?
“bubba, do you know your friend here?” you ask sunoo, who, to your relief, nods aggressively and signals to be put down.
and as soon as his feet are on the ground, he hands you his bag to hold her hand and your eyebrows jump up your forehead. sunoo was a very shy kid, he didn’t talk much to kids in the class, and his world was only your family.
so, when they both smile at each other with half their teeth still growing, your heart warms and you bend down to their height, “hello sunoo’s friend, can i know your name?” you hold out your hand and the girl shyly reaches out to take it, “arin,” she whispers before putting her hand back in sunoo’s and you giggle at the sight.
they were adorable.
“is it your first day here, arin?” you don’t remember seeing her and she nods, “this is my new school.”
“ah okay, sunoo, do you want to head inside for the meeting? arin can come in as well, yeah?” you look at them and hold out your hands to each of them which they happily take and you almost collapse when you turn around.
“you’ve got to be kidding me.”
jimin stood, a few feet away from you, with a pink backpack held loosely in his hands and your face immediately dropped.
this can’t be real.
this cannot be your tuesday morning.
this cannot be your life at all.
“what are you doing here?”
“what are you doing here?” you stare at him pointedly with your arms across your chest and he rolls his eyes, “that’s my niece next to you, she started here today,” and at that, you bend a little to see arin’s face and surely, the resemblance was there.
full cheeks.
and warm eyes.
god loved to punish you.
“oh.” and arin smiles at you, you smile back a little hesitantly and turn to see jimin who’s eyebrows have furrowed deeper than ever.
“yeah,” he looks exasperated at your presence and you try not to get hurt over it, “this is my nephew, by the way,” you point to sunoo, not knowing what else to do or say, and he waves at jimin with a toothy smile and like magic, jimin’s entire face melts into the most beautiful smile.
oh, fuck him.
he starts walking over and you clutch sunoo’s bag tightly, watching as his feet fall one after the other, watching as he completely avoids looking at you when he bends down to ruffle sunoo’s hair and press a kiss to arin’s head.
you hate when men are nice to kids, it makes it so much harder to despise them.
“oh, sunoo’s aunt! i didn’t know you came with your boyfriend,” you freeze at the sound of sunoo’s teacher coming from the hallway and jimin freezes too as she starts quickly walking over to you.
marjorie was an older woman who loved sunoo and you, she was the only teacher you trusted completely and she was also a bit chatty.
this was a live nightmare.
“he’s so handsome, good for you,” she slaps her hand on your arm while gushing at jimin and you, once again, wish to change your identity and immigrate to some unknown island.
“we’re not-“
“that’s not-“
and you both pause to glare at each other with pure venom in your eyes.
he may have been your first crush but he was insufferable and you didn’t need someone else to think that you were together with him and his horrid personality.
jimin probably thought you were enjoying this, people mistaking you to be a couple, just like in school, but he was so wrong, he wasn’t nearly as cute as he was in school.
marjorie clears her throat and stares at you with anticipation, you hate to break her bubble but, “i don’t know who he is marjorie, i think he’s related to your new student here,” you point to arin and she starts looking between the both of you in confusion and jimin extends his hand to her, “i’m arin’s uncle, i’m here for her parent-teacher meeting.”
she nods with a smile, taking his hand graciously, “oh that’s lovely, arin’s mom did say her uncle was coming today, come in, come in, you too, sunoo’s aunt,” and starts walking ahead of the both of you into the classrooms.
you and jimin follow her in, you watch as he takes in the school and the classrooms and smiles at the artwork made by the children all over the walls, you look away with an irritated scowl.
why did he pretend to be some children-loving, kind jesus when he was absolutely vile to you?
“by the way, you two look so good together, it’s a shame you’re not a couple,” marjorie smiles at the two of you and you both nod stiffly at her which seems to delight her as she walks into a room.
you and jimin glare at each other one last time before following her in.
-
sunoo is still holding arin’s hand as you and jimin awkwardly follow the two of them outside the school, the parent-teacher meeting was done, thankfully, only two other teachers assumed you were a couple but was that really a win?
“okay sunoo, why don’t you say bye to your friend and we can go home?” you step forward from the slow, uncomfortable pace set by you and jimin, sunoo pouts and tightens his hand around arin’s which makes you frown, and look at jimin who was also observing the scene in front of them.
“but arin,” he starts tearing up, his face scrunching up and your panic rises, “it’s okay baby, you’ll see her in class tomorrow and every day after,” you try to calm him down, “it’s saturday tomorrow,” he whimpers and you wince, “well, it’s only two days bub, i’m sure arin wants to go home too,” and arin starts pouting too, “no.”
wow, she looked even more like jimin when she pouted.
you look at jimin again helplessly and he also seems to be panicking, at least you weren’t alone.
“sunoo, arin,” he bent down, “you two are in the same class, you will see each other again soon, for now, everyone should go home after class,” jimin’s tone was strict but still soft enough not to trigger any tears but just when you think he’s a better guardian than you, arin huffs and throws her bag on the floor, “no!”
you almost join the bag to laugh on the floor at the shock in jimin’s face.
“she never does this,” jimin says with his mouth still wide open as he gets up and you raise your eyebrows, “i think she gets it from you, the drama of it all, it’s cute, don’t worry,” and he glares at you.
“kids, for today, we have to go home, another day, i’m sure we can do something,” you try to appease them and jimin scoffs next to you, making you narrow your eyes.
“wouldn’t you love that?” your mouth falls open as his eyes roll back in irritation.
the fucking gall this man has.
“shut the fu-“
your colorful words are interrupted by sunoo and arin, who are so in sync already, that they begin their sniffing and subsequent loud cries together.
you immediately shut up to meet jimin’s eyes in horror as both of you see the kids melt into a puddle of tears before you.
“okay, okay! what do you want?” jimin is the first to give in and you want to smack him on the head, you should never give in to kids, that was the rule, you should always wait for their meltdown to finish and then bribe them with something less than what they want.
“seriously?” you give him a dirty look.
“i hate to see her cry,” he whispers to you and if it were anyone else, you would gush, to be honest, you were gushing, but you were also hiding it really well.
“playdate!” it’s like they never cried at all, children were truly magical.
you stare at jimin, waiting for him to respond because if you guys agreed to the playdate, you were also agreeing to spend the next few hours together.
and you didn’t want to be the one to agree to that, it was bad enough that he thought you were getting a kick out of meeting him like this.
he finally lifts his head to look at you, you shrug at him with your heart beating thunderously against your chest, you almost place your hand on it to calm it down but it only gets louder when jimin smiles at you, “sure, that would be fun.”
-
“yay!” sunoo and arin burst into jimin’s house, throwing their shoes and bags at the doorstep to wander off into the house and you are left with jimin, who just like you, would rather be anywhere else.
“thanks for hosting, we’ll do it next time,” you mumble while shrugging your coat off and he smirks, “if you want to see me again, you can just say that.”
you throw your coat on his face and stomp into the house, letting go of any politeness or manners that you would usually have and his giggles float into the air around you, making you scowl.
if he wanted to behave like a pig, he would be treated like one.
“i meant it though, sunoo doesn’t talk to anyone so it was nice to see him bond with arin, but i won’t be the one hosting it, it would be my sister, so no one’s dying to see you, settle down,” you sit down on the sofa, keeping your back straight and legs neatly crossed over the other, and scanned the house that you’ve only seen on instagram till now.
it was a nice house, cosy and bright and definitely expensive.
“arin doesn’t usually talk to anyone either so works for both of us.”
“but what if i wanted to see you?” he joins you on the couch and you roll your eyes, “can you stop with that nonsense?”
“it’s not nonsense, just a question,” jimin shrugs, “tea or coffee?” and you’re appalled at his skills of diverting a conversation, “green tea, if you have it, thanks,” and he laughs, walking into the kitchen, “you know, you don’t have to be so formal with me, we know each other,” and you squirm in your seat.
“i know you’d prefer it if we didn’t,” and jimin pops his head out of the kitchen, “what makes you think that?”
“seriously?”
was he dumb or were you overthinking this?
you get up and walk over to the kitchen where jimin stands, in the simple t-shirt and jeans under his coat, and he looks unjustly attractive in that bland outfit.
“did you forget school or something?” you ask again and he shakes his head, handing you a mug of steaming green tea, “i haven’t forgotten anything, i’m very sharp in case you didn’t notice already,” and you have to let out a groan at his tone.
“i know you hate me, jimin, you don’t have to sugarcoat anything just because we’re older now,” you take a sip, appreciating the light sweetness in the green tea, “did you add honey?”
“nope, cinnamon and i don’t hate you, where the fuck did you get that?” he looks at you as if you’re insane, as if you’ve imagined the times he ignored you in school, as if you’ve imagined him smiling at everyone but you during drama practice, as if you’ve imagined him leaving the stage without even looking at you.
was this what people called ‘gaslighting’?
“um you were an asshole to me and an absolute angel to everyone else,” you try to sound cool and casual about the whole thing but you were dying a little inside about having to have this conversation.
“when?”
“always.”
“no, but when exactly?”
“are you really going to make me say it?” you raise your eyebrows at him, there was absolutely no way that he didn’t know that he was your first crush and that he hated being liked by you.
“i don’t know what you’re talking about.” and you force yourself to smile because if you didn’t, you might just throw the mug in your hands, onto his face.
“you look weird,” he frowns at you and you purse your lips, trying to keep your calm, “i really have no idea why you think i hate you, then or now.”
and you were done.
“during play practice! you smiled at everyone, talked to everyone, played along with everyone, talked to them even after the play finished but never to me! are you happy now that i’ve said it?” you push the mug away from you on the counter and fold your arms across your chest, looking away to some corner in the kitchen.
if there was a feeling more dreadful than shame, you were feeling it right now.
how embarrassing that you still remember every single detail about him, how your adolescent mind never really let him go, how your crush on him was so clear, so true that it never left you.
“y/n,” he calls out and your heart is in your throat.
his voice, even as a kid, was so soft, he always spoke so well, he always spoke as if the opposite person was the most interesting person in the world but somehow, that tone never came when he talked to you.
“can you look at me?”
“no.”
“no?” he laughs out, palms coming up to cover his smiling face and for a moment, you’re starstruck again, you can only stare at his smile that held the world’s love and warmth, from your periphery though.
“okay, don’t look at me but i never hated you-“ and just as you’re leaning into listen to jimin, loud stomps break the moment and you’re both turning to see who’s coming.
it’s sunoo.
and he’s crying.
“baby, what happened?” you get up from your seat to sit on your knees in front of sunoo, “home!” is all he says and you frown, “that’s no way to talk in a home that has invited us, sunoo,” you weren’t as strict as his mom but kids needed to be disciplined from time to time.
“it’s okay,” jimin sits beside you, “what happened, big guy?” he coos at sunoo who instantly falls into jimin’s arms and you’re left baffled, this wasn’t like sunoo at all, he never touched anyone until he liked them.
this was dangerous.
“arin’s not giving me her toys, i want to play too,” sunoo says between hiccups and whines and you straighten beside jimin, “those are arin’s toys sunoo, you should ask someone before you use their stuff, you know this,” and he falls silent.
“but arin should also share, right? she should know that too,” jimin rubs his palms on sunoo’s back who nods furiously, “i asked!”
“okay, let’s call arin and we can sort this out?” jimin suggests but sunoo shakes his head, “home,” he says again but with exhaustion instead of anger.
oh, the trials and tribulations of a 5-year-old.
and you know that once he’s tired, he won’t listen to a word, “i think we’ll head home, he’s tired so,” you scoop sunoo up in your arms and he immediately curls into your shoulder.
“i’m sorry,” jimin sighs and you let out a laugh, “they’re 5-year-olds’s jimin, it’s no one’s fault, and we’ll arrange something for them at mine or my sister’s, okay?” you don’t know why you’re trying to console him but it came automatically.
at the door, jimin casually wraps your coat around you, being careful to not disturb sunoo who was already dozing off, and you walk to your car with your hands and heart full.
“let’s talk sometime, yeah?” jimin says from next to you and you narrow your eyes, “why?”
“god,” he throws his head back with a delighted look on his face, “i just want to talk, jeez,” and you nod reluctantly.
“here,” he opens the door for you to put sunoo in carefully, you could’ve done it yourself but you didn’t mind the help.
“thanks…for today, it was nice of you,” you look at jimin and he nods with a teasing smile, “i can be very nice,” and you roll your eyes, closing the door and effectively creating a barrier between you two.
and you can finally breathe.
while you pull away, you feel your heart thud and thud and thud again.
seeing him with sunoo and spending so much time alone with him did a number on you, you’ll have to write down why you hate him to make sure that no lingering feelings surface but as you leave, he smiles at you through your side view mirror and you’re not sure you ever stood a chance.
-
it only took you a few seconds to understand what you felt, that it was against everything you had believed until then.
it was the first time you were so close to a guy, his hands were a little above your waist, your hands were on his shoulders, and his face was (so) close to yours.
you were practicing for the ballroom scene and when you looked at his eyelashes brushing against his cheeks, you felt your stomach drop with the realization that you liked him, this guy that seemed so ordinary some minutes ago, became something magical, something beyond you and your heart.
“come closer, you two,” your drama teacher shouted over the music and you mindlessly shuffled forward and jimin moved with you, hands tightening on you by instinct and your breath hitched.
you danced weakly, still reeling with the consciousness of liking him and he looked like he did any other day.
later that day, everyone left the practice room except you and jimin, you waited for him to look at you at least once, say anything, you would’ve hung onto any word but he scurried out of the room just as you opened your mouth to tell him what you felt.
“jimin, can we talk? i think i lik-” and he was out of the door.
as if he could sense what was coming next and wanted to avoid it.
and since then, you never brought back the courage to tell him anything.
you had to make peace with that, your buried feelings in your heart had to stay buried.
and you coped with that until the day of the actual play, until he looked like he wanted to say something too, right when the ballroom scene started.
but then, he didn’t turn back on the stage, and you were left warm from his touch, cold from his absence, hurt from his steps away from you, and hopeful from how he looked at you in the eye while you danced.
-
“are you sure that it’s the same guy?” your sister’s voice came from your phone’s speaker and you sighed, “unfortunately, yes, he is,” and she laughed an evil laugh that told you how much she loved this situation.
“this is golden, you used to be so obsessed with him,” she gasped, you were sure her mind was playing the whole reel of you gushing about jimin, “that was a long time ago, give it up.” you groaned and scrolled mindlessly through your instagram.
jimin had sent you a follow request after you left his house a couple of days ago, you almost fell from the bed when you saw it pop up on your screen but what was more embarrassing was the speed with which you accepted the request and sent one back.
“oh my god, i just remembered how you would go for that weekly school exercise thing just to see him! you used to bend forward, backward, to see him a few lines away, this is amazing, this is amazing!” she sang from your phone and you winced at that memory.
it was true, you only went to the weekly drill to see jimin, a quick glance of his face used to make you unexplainably happy.
but with your fingers scrolling through his posts now, you guessed that some things just don’t change.
jimin would probably be doing the same thing, no one sends an instagram request without the intent to stalk that person’s profile, right?
but maybe he has a life and you don’t.
sigh.
“can you send me a picture of what he looks like right now? also, what is sunoo doing?” she asks and you frown, “sunoo is sleeping and why do you need his picture?”
“i just want to see,” and she starts rambling about how she deserves it as your sister, you tune it out, getting up to answer the door when the bell rings.
“it’s just so crazy to me that he’s back in your life, like imagine meeting your first crush in your nephew’s school? i bet it’s only yo-“ but you’re not listening to her at all anymore because at the other side of the door, are jimin with arin, who have both now heard your embarrassing older sister.
“anyway, send me a picture after you’re finished stalki-“ and you cut the call.
“hello.” you clear your throat, and he waves his hand while arin beams at you.
“oh wait, please come in,” you open your door wider, watching with wide eyes as they both step in and take in your home, you are suddenly too conscious about your pajamas and hair.
you weren’t expecting visitors.
what is he even doing here?
just as you’re about to ask jimin, he turns to you with a guilty look which consists of sad, puppy eyes and a slight pout.
arin truly gets it from her uncle.
how is that look not turning you off?
you know for a fact that the same exact look on another man would have just pissed you off.
“sorry to come so suddenly, you mentioned where you lived in one of our messages and arin was killing me all morning about wanting to see sunoo, and i tried to calm her down, i really did but you know how it gets,” jimin rambles on and on, and you nod along, only half distracted by his long coat and ruffled hair.
he must have come in a rush too.
and yes, you were texting each other and no, it’s very casual and friendly talk only.
“i thought they were fighting?” you ask and signal jimin to follow you into the kitchen where you put on a pot of water to boil.
how did he look like he belonged in your space when he was in it for all of two minutes?
“i thought so too,” jimin laughs and you smile at the sound of his laughter, you loved it then, and you love it now, someone should shoot you to snap you out of whatever magic spell jimin has cast on you.
“arin baby, what do you like?” you turn to her and she shakes her head, “you’re not going to ask me?” jimin raises his arms up in question and you hum, “you take what i give you, park jimin,” and he’s laughing again.
wow, you must be some extraordinary comedian.
“sunoo is sleeping right now but i’m sure he would love to see you guys, i’ll just be right back with him,” you place a cup of green tea in front of jimin and start heading out of the room.
“honey?” you hear as you’re leaving, “nope, cinnamon,” you reply, ignoring the shiver up your spine from how he called out honey.
after a lot of struggle with sunoo’s blanket and begging him, he was finally out of the room and standing in front of arin with his arms crossed, you and jimin watched with interest as they stared at each other.
“what do you think they will do?”
“fight?” you offer and jimin rolls his eyes at you, “they’re kids,” and you shrug, “kids are very good at fighting.”
and your eyes snap back to them when arin hugs sunoo over his crossed arms, you and jimin look at each other with your hearts melting as sunoo tries to resist but soon, gives up and wraps his arms around her.
“they’re so cute,” he whispers, and you nod with your hand over your heart.
sunoo and arin then take off to the living room where his toys are laid out and they’re lost in their own world within the next five minutes.
you and jimin sit in the kitchen, sipping your tea and looking at each other, only to return to sipping your tea, words lost in your tongues and throats.
“was that your sister on the phone?” and you ignore it, staring at the cup of tea with much focus and interest, “hey, she was, wasn’t she?” his voice gets more teasing, more light, more carefree and you hate that it makes you smile, you hate that your cheeks still flush in his presence.
“i won’t tell anyone or will i?” he winks at you when you finally look up and you groan, slamming your face into the table and he giggles next to you, uncontrollably.
“i’m going to kill myself,” you mumble into the table and he brings his hand forward to push your face away from the table and…towards him, his face and you almost fall off a chair once again because of him.
“don’t worry, i stalked you too.”
-
it was scary, how quickly you could come to terms with the fact that you liked jimin again, how quickly your heart accepted him even if ages passed and even if you’ve both changed.
“why do you even like him?” this was a question that your friends had asked you then, a question that your sister asked you then, and a question you often asked yourself.
it was simple to you.
jimin was different.
softer than other men but stronger too.
more delicate but also more protective.
he could make you blush and burst into laughter, in all of two seconds.
he was always like that, even when kids back then were trying to be cool and tough, jimin carried a bright, easy smile with care for the people around him. even if it didn’t always extend to you, it was still there.
but you think that might have changed.
“and you’re sure you are free to pick sunoo up?” your sister asks and you nod happily, “absolutely, don’t worry, i got him,” and she thanks you before cutting the call.
and now, you’re standing in front of his school in a better outfit than you normally would wear, you’re giddy with sweaty palms and flushed cheeks, but you don’t hate this.
“looks like someone’s all dressed up,” you don’t stop yourself from grinning at jimin’s voice from a few feet away.
fine, maybe you’ve been picking sunoo up a lot more these days but that’s just you being the best aunt in the world.
“unlike you, people like putting an effort into their outfits and personal style,” but you’re lying straight out of your teeth, jimin had a very good sense of style but he didn’t need to know that and besides, when he laughs and bumps your shoulder with his, your heart lights up.
so, this is what park jimin is to everyone else.
this is what everyone else felt when they were next to him.
how did all of them not fall in love with him?
you couldn’t have been the only one.
you don’t think you’ve ever felt this sure of something in your life.
you like chocolates, but not in milkshakes or when they are dark.
you like reading books, but sometimes you get into a slump.
you like romantic comedies, but sometimes, you find them cringeworthy and unrealistic.
you like jimin.
but….nothing, you just liked him.
“should we go get ice cream after this?” you turn to see him and he raises his eyebrows so, you quickly backtrack, “sunoo keeps asking for it and arin would like it too,” and he nods at it, you nod fiercely with him.
what your nephew wants, he gets, of course.
“i didn’t ask for ice cream,” is the first thing that flies out of sunoo’s mouth when you tell him about it, you are frozen with your knees bent as jimin stifles a burst of laughter behind his palms and you know if you turn around, you might as well bury yourself six feet under.
“sunoo,” you warn-whisper and he just tilts his head at you, you drop your head, there is no point in blaming your nephew for this, you’ve done this to yourself.
you grab sunoo’s hand and speed-walk to your car without looking back, with red cheeks and shaky palms.
the universe seems to be hell-bent on making sure that you embarrass yourself in front of park jimin for the rest of your life.
“hey hey, where are you going?” jimin pulls you back with his hand around your elbow and you purse your lips, “did you not hear my nephew out me?”
he throws his head back in laughter, “i did but don’t be silly, let’s go,” and you frown, “go where?”
“for ice cream,” and you’re lost again, he’s tutting at you, “if you want ice cream, we’re getting ice cream,” and looks down at you with a grin that has you holding your smile back, “okay.”
at the ice cream store, jimin hovers around you, asks you your favorites, asks you if you like desserts, asks if you like movies or tv shows, and you answer each question with increasing fondness towards him.
god, you must love attention.
“you were so intimidating in school,” and your jaw dropped, “no, i wasn’t! if anything, you were intimidating,” and jimin shook his head, “no way, how was i intimidating? i talked to everyone.”
you wipe ice cream from the corners of sunoo’s mouth as you speak, “that was intimidating to me because i didn’t talk to too many people,” and jimin nods, “and for me, you were intimidating, i could talk to literally anyone and everyone but you.”
“but why?”
“why?” he looks up in question and you pause for a second, not knowing if you should continue the sentence, “but why was i intimidating? why couldn’t you talk to me?”
because i would’ve given everything to talk to you, stays deep in your throat.
jimin sits back in his seat, pondering for a few seconds and you almost take it back, you almost tell him to forget it but then he opens his mouth, “you were intimidating because you were always good at what you did,” and your eyes widen by their own accord, you had never heard that from anyone except your drama teacher.
“i don’t know if you remember but i was so lost in the beginning, i didn’t know anything about acting but you set this example that i could follow and it was easier for me, you were constantly checking on me too,” he laughs amusedly, as if that time was playing behind his eyes and you crack a smile too, though your heart just got warmer and warmer until it felt like it was catching on fire.
“you were good at it too, jimin, especially the dance,” he was taken for his dance skills first and he was bloody good at it, “i know, i was amazing,” and you’re throwing a tissue paper at him.
“but i wanted to talk to you,” he nods as he speaks and you can’t help it, “because you knew that i liked you?”
he stops himself from grinning, “that was the biggest shock of my teenage life, y/n,” and you roll your eyes, “i know, it’s hard for me to believe too,” he groans and slides into his seat, making you giggle.
“did you…really like me?” his voice is soft, unguarded, and he throws one arm over his eyes, you notice his cheeks are red too and you shift in your seat, the mood was shifting, you didn’t want to giggle and deny it like you probably would have if he asked that even some ten seconds ago.
“i did,” and he removes his arm, and stares at you unsuredly, as if he doesn’t believe you and you clench your hands on your lap to hold back from saying anything else.
“home!” a chorus from the kids you’ve forgotten about brings you back to life, a life where it wasn’t just you and jimin in it.
jimin smiles, “how about a refill?” and as they cheer out loud, he looks at you, and you know that look.
he had something to say.
-
you both got scolded by your respective siblings for giving their kids extra ice creams but it also meant that the kids loved you more, you and jimin had giggled about it on text.
it was a win-win for you.
but what was even more of a win-win was that jimin purposefully got them extra ice cream to spend more time with you, you are about 90% sure that’s the reason.
you spent about half the day in that ice cream parlour, and jimin asked you questions that no one else ever has and you asked him all those things you never got to when you were in school.
it was terrifying, to talk to him like that, to give him parts of what made you, you, and it was especially terrifying when you gave all of it away so easily.
“so, you’re coming to pick him up, right? like this isn’t an extra task for you?” jimin’s voice through a phone was different, lower, more serious, you loved it.
“definitely, don’t even worry about it, i’ll pick her up and bring her over,” you didn’t know what it said that he trusted you with his niece but it had to be something good, it made you feel fantastic.
“thank you so much, seriously, i owe you one,” and you can sense the relief in his tone, “you do owe me one, yes,” he laughs at your tone, “you get here, i’ll make it up to you very well.”
on the whole way there, you are so giddy that you can’t stop smiling.
you never understood why people got so excited over phone calls but if it was up to you, you would’ve never even cut the call with jimin.
when you get to the school, sunoo and arin are holding each other’s hands and standing obediently next to margaret.
“hi kids, today auntie is going to take you both home, are we excited?” sunoo and arin raise their hands up in joy and you resist the urge to pick them both up and give them one nice hug.
“her uncle called and said you would be picking her up,” margaret smiles at you knowingly and you roll your eyes, “it’s nothing like that margaret, we’re good friends,” and she scoffs at you but it only makes you giddier.
it felt good that someone, besides you, liked the idea of you two together.
you: picked them up, on my way over!
jimin: thanks again, see you soon <3
you almost throw your phone out of the window in happiness but for the sake of the kids, for them to think you’re not some insane person, you just grin and put your phone aside.
“okay arin, let’s go to your uncle’s place,” after checking them, you fasten your seatbelt and they both cheer again.
oh, you love these kids.
as you pull away, they instantly start rambling about their day, which picture they were made to draw, which teacher annoyed them, which toy was stolen, which color pencil they lost and you nod intently, offering dramatic reactions wherever you could.
“and then mummy told me that i had to throw away some toys but can you talk to mummy? i like my toys,” sunoo whines to you and you sigh, “you got it buddy, i’ll deal with your mother.”
“so arin, what have you been upto? anything exciting?” and she lights up, “i drew a castle today, do you want to see?”
“of course baby, as soon as we’re home, i absolutely have to see it,” your agreement only makes her happier, “our new home is nice, i like it, mummy and daddy made my room pink, and i even have a close friend!”
“is that so? who’s this lucky person?”
“it’s miss ana, uncle jimi’s girlfriend! she’s always over at uncle’s home and she likes me, i like her too.” and she goes back to swinging her legs and poking at sunoo until he laughs.
in the front seat, you are frozen and confused.
“your uncle has a girlfriend?” you try to sound casual and you hate that you’re asking a kid about this but you couldn’t help it.
“yeah.” she shrugs and goes back to sunoo.
you felt your stomach turn.
of course, he has a girlfriend.
of course, you had read it all wrong.
of course, you are the idiot again.
you kept your eyes steady on the road as the feeling of nothingness settled into you.
you would get over this, you got over jimin once, you could do it again and next time, you wouldn’t make the stupid mistake of thinking that anyone could ever like you for anything more than what you present them. you’ve gotten over first boyfriends, situationships, and dates which felt like they would lead somewhere and you would get over this too.
it was weird that you could still feel the same embarrassment of liking jimin, the same pathetic feeling you get when you overestimate yourself and what people feel about you, rises and falls in your chest.
but it was okay.
you’ll get over this.
-
“oh jimin! jimin!” you turned your face away from classmates who yelled his name.
somehow, the cat was out of the bag and everyone knew about your crush on him, your bets were on one of your play’s cast members but you couldn’t point a finger at anyone. your school was small and boring enough for this kind of stuff to spread quickly.
it was true, you did like him, a lot but you never wanted anyone to know, you only wanted him to know.
you were hoping to catch him alone, tell him that you liked him, and accept whichever response he gave you, he didn’t have to like you back but now, he knew, you knew that he knew, it was just not in the way you ever wanted him to know.
and then one day it happened.
the quiet rejection.
the annoyance of being liked by someone you don’t like back.
“look, look! they’re together” you were in the hallway, talking to your friends and jimin was just a few feet away, your friends were subtly pushing you toward him while you pushed back and his friends were pushing him.
that itself was embarrassing enough.
then, your back hit his back and you froze, skin tingling already but he immediately pushed away, and you heard him yell at his friends.
“how many times have i told you guys not to bring her up? how many?” jimin was a gentle guy, that was the first time he had yelled at someone and it was because of you.
and since then, whenever you were in the same room, he would look away with an irritated sigh, he would leave the room or he would glare at his friends until they shut up.
you took it all in, you really did, you just reasoned to yourself that you too, would be very annoyed if your friends acted like that.
but one day, you were alone in your art classroom, arranging some portraits and he walked in, your eyes met his and you were both too aware of how empty your surroundings were, for the first time in a really long time.
he immediately stepped back, his footsteps landed heavily as he walked away.
no one was there.
no one to make fun of him, no one to see or hear.
but he still pretended that you didn’t exist.
your feelings were more tender then.
your heart was a bit too soft and you had taken that as his reply, his response, his rejection and you buried your crush.
your chest was tight the entire day, you couldn’t speak without choking up because as much as you accepted his rejection, it didn’t make it hurt any less.
he never uttered a word to you since then.
you vowed to yourself never to like anyone too much again.
-
“how was school, guys? i missed you,” jimin hugged arin and sunoo as soon as they entered his home and you stood near the door frame with your heart in your throat.
today wouldn’t have been so hard if you didn’t have to see him.
they leave his arms and run into the house, their bags and socks left behind and you quickly collect sunoo’s stuff to put them aside.
“hey,” he appears beside you and you nod, keeping your eyes away from his face.
“i missed you too,” and you wish that you didn’t give in to seeing his face because as soon as you turn to face him, you are in front of his warm eyes and smile, the ones you were so jealous others could see.
but whatever feeling tried to creep on you, you shoved it away.
you nod again, swallowing and the warm scene fades and it’s replaced with a stiff awkwardness that both of you feel in a flash.
you see it go away, the warmth, the smile, the eyes, all of it drops and you hate that you feel terrible even if you didn’t do anything.
“arin made a castle drawing, it’s in her bag,” you say and jimin frowns before shaking his head, “of course, i’ll see it later.”
and your head bobs once again, the only response you could produce at the moment and when jimin steps forward, you step back.
“hey, is everything okay?” he asks, fingers reaching to scratch the nape of his neck confusedly, “yeah, everything’s fine.”
this time, he’s the one nodding and pushing his hands into his pockets, “i’ll make you tea, come on,” you have no choice but to follow him in, though you stay at least five steps behind him.
any touch from him would break your resolve, you couldn’t afford that, not anymore.
“honey or cinnamon?”
“honey.”
“alright,” jimin frowns once again, turning away to boil some water.
and you sit there, wondering if this is all you could ever be with him, wondering if both of you were always destined to be close and far, you feel scalded by the fact that he had never mentioned a girlfriend, you hadn’t asked but he shouldn’t have been texting you the way he was.
“you know, i owe you one,” he turns with a mug of steaming green tea and you stiffen in your seat when he hands it to you with a small, unsure smile, “would you accept dinner as me making it up to you?”
twenty minutes ago, you would’ve jumped up, spilling hot tea everywhere, and closed around him, your arms and heart giving even more way for him, but that was twenty minutes ago, now your arms and heart were closing in on themselves.
him rejecting you in school, you could handle.
him hating your presence, you could handle.
but this, you could only handle for about five minutes before you crumbled.
you should’ve never let your young feelings grow and stay.
“don’t worry about it, you don’t have to do anything, it was just one pickup,” you shrug, playing with the handle of your mug and you see jimin visibly deflate.
“okay, i don’t know what’s going on, is everything okay? did i do something?” the pleading in his tone was there, the sincerity in his face was there but you couldn’t believe any of it.
“nothing happened, jimin, it’s just that you don’t have to make up for anything,” you couldn’t bring yourself to confront his betrayal, to ask him about his girlfriend, you know that any answer would just hurt you more.
“fine, i don’t want to make up for anything, i want to take you out on a date, a proper date without anyone else around, because,” and he pauses, you release the breath caught in your chest, grateful and disappointed that he didn’t finish his sentence.
“i don’t think that’s a good idea,” you give a weak smile, feeling your bones tighten in your body, you would snap like a bowstring if this continued.
jimin looks away, chest rising and falling slowly, he squeezes his eyes shut and you see his hands shake as he whispers, “why?”
“sunoo is sleep!” arin’s yell makes you get up immediately, the distraction was welcome and needed, “also, see this!” she shoves her drawing into your hands and you smile at the messy green castle.
“it’s beautiful, arin, just like you,” you tap her nose and she giggles, you are all too aware of jimin’s stare on your back so, you pat her head and rush to take sunoo out of her bed and into your arms.
you held your nephew tighter to you, his sleeping form was the only thing keeping you stable, you never realized before how much you needed him the way he needed you but today, you needed him most even if he was just sleeping in your arms.
you don’t say bye to jimin on your way out, you only hug arin, ask her to take care, and leave his home with your mind so heavy that you feel like you could tip and fall over.
but as you pull away, you catch jimin in your side mirrors, he stands as if he’s lost everything, you almost turn back, break down in his arms, and ask him why he was so cruel to you, but you drive away instead.
-
“and you’re sure that he won’t be there?” you ask megan for the third time over the phone and she sighs, “listen, it’s his friend, i can’t tell him not to invite his friend but i did tell him that something happened, the rest is truly up to him,” and you bite your lip in annoyance.
it’s been two weeks, you’ve successfully avoided jimin at sunoo’s school, you’ve ignored his calls and deleted his texts without reading them, and you were only one more week away from mentally cutting him off completely.
but again, the universe hated you and noah’s birthday came up right as you were starting to forget that a person named jimin existed.
“you’re right, i’m sorry for being difficult and i’ll be there, noah is sort of my friend too,” you give in, you couldn’t be a bitch to your friends just because you were going through something, and megan hums, “but just know that i won’t judge you at all for not showing up, it’s totally your call.”
you thank her and close your eyes as the call goes dead on the other end.
what a fucking mess.
-
“happy birthday to you!” you sing with everyone else as noah shyly stands in the center with the birthday candles lighting up his face.
it was nice to see your friends again, you melted into every hug they gave you as you walked into noah’s home, you almost teared up at how much you needed them, you were annoyed with all of them just weeks ago but now, you saw clearly that you needed people who cared about you in your life.
“how are you feeling now?” faye put her head on your shoulder as you sat on the couch and you hum, “i’ve been better babe but i’ll be fine soon, i promise,” you squeeze her hand and she purses her lips, “i don’t think he will come, you know, it’s already been a while since the party started, everyone will leave in an hour or so,” and you know that she’s trying to make you feel better.
“thank you for saying that but even if he does come, it’s okay, it’s not like i’ll see him after this,” you shrug and she nods unsurely, “but it’s also okay if you feel shitty that he’s here, you know? you don’t have to pretend that you’re fine with all of it, it’s not a great situation, he lied to you and you’re hurt, you’re allowed to be hurt.”
you blink back tears as you try to rush some air into your lungs that tighten with each word from her.
“i love you, faye.” you whisper, “i love you more,” she smiles and pats you on the back before getting up, “now i’m going to get us some drinks so you stay there in that emotional mood,” you laugh at her and shoo her away.
maybe you weren’t fine now, you won’t need to be for a while but you’ll be okay at some point.
you sigh, you don’t want to be here anymore and pretty much everyone’s given you the green light to leave, you can always have drinks with faye another time so, you get up, surer than ever that you don’t want to be okay anymore, you kiss your friend’s goodbye, you thank noah for inviting you and you step out to the cold night.
right near your car, just as you feel relieved and light, you hear it.
“y/n?” and then quick footsteps.
a presence behind you.
his voice in your ears and bones.
and you freeze.
you hold the key to your car and your legs feel so heavy, they might as well be dead, and you blink, you do nothing but blink until he’s in front of you.
you almost cry at the sight of his face.
“you’re leaving?” jimin huffs out, his breath leaving white clouds in the night and you just stare.
how could someone so beautiful lie to you?
you only come back to earth when you feel him scanning your face and body, as if he was re-remembering what you looked like, as if he was savoring you in front of him but you knew it was all deceitful.
and you lose it.
“don’t you feel ashamed?” you breathe out, feeling every nerve in you tighten impossibly, your body was once again a bowstring being pulled, in front of him.
tight and so breakable.
jimin’s entire face falls, “about what, y/n? why haven’t you been answering my texts and calls? why are you suddenly ignoring me? what is going on? i tried to come up with so many reasons but none of them made sense, i thought we were heading towards something good?” and his face looks so pained, so sad that you almost break.
almost.
“i should’ve never fucking liked you in school, i should’ve never given you that ego boost, i should’ve seen you for who you are,” you angrily spit out as you fumble with your keys and open your car.
without looking at him even once, you climb in, leaning back once you are in.
but immediately, as you begin to start the engine, another door opens and jimin is in your car.
jimin is in your car.
“what the fuck are you doing? get out!” you yell at him, and he shakes his head, “i’m not going anywhere until you explain to me what is going on.”
“i don’t have to explain shit to you, get out jimin, or i swear to god,” you huff out, feeling your hands shake from the rage you felt, he doesn’t move an inch, “or what?”
“seriously?”
“yeah, if i don’t get out, what will you do?”
“i’ll fucking crash this car.” you level your glare on him and he sits back, “do it.”
“what?”
“do it, crash it, i’ll pay for the repairs, but i’m not getting out until you tell me why you hate me right now.” the calmness he had at that moment, the level in his tone never wavering, pissed you off even more.
“fine, we can sit here all night,” you shrug, desperate to match his cool, you switch off the engine, “fine by me,” jimin shrugs back and you clench your teeth to not groan at him.
minutes pass, you tap your foot against the floor of the car, he looks out the window, and both of you sit stubbornly without making a move.
you should be furious.
you should be still trying to kick him out.
but you slowly start to deflate, your anger fades bit by bit as the feeling of missing him, liking him even now, begins blooming in you again.
“who is ana?” you whisper, not trying to hide how sad just mentioning her name made you.
whatever his answer was, you would move on.
you never liked him for him to like you back, not then and not now, but it felt good to believe that somewhere, he felt the same desperate, pathetic love that you did, that somewhere, he was different with you the way you were different with him, that he too lost his cool and common sense when it came to you.
“what?” he frowns and you sigh, “please don’t lie to me jimin, just tell me who she is and why you never told me that she was your girlfriend.” you choke back the sobs building in your throat, and jimin immediately leans towards you, “hey, hey, what girlfriend are you talking about? i don’t have a girlfriend.”
you laugh bitterly through your tears, “so, you’re calling your baby niece a liar?”
“arin? what did she say?” he continues to frown, seemingly growing more confused by every passing second, which only makes you more confused, “that ana is your girlfriend? she’s always at your place?”
“ana? oh!” and jimin throws his head back on the seat, eyes closing in what you thought was relief, “ana is her new babysitter, y/n,” you huff out in annoyance, “believe it or not jimin but i’m not as stupid as you think i am, how fucking convenient is it that a woman your niece calls your girlfriend, turns out to be her sitter.”
and he gapes at you before throwing his arms up, “i’m sorry that the truth is convenient and fits with the situation!” he yells back at you and you glare at him, “oh really? then why is she over when you’re there with arin already? why does arin think she’s your girlfriend? do you have an explanation for any of that?”
“i do, but only if you’re willing to at least hear me out,” and jimin is back to calm, back to zen, and you want to push him out of the car, “see, i know it sounds bad if she just mentioned the girlfriend part but i’ve told you, arin is shy, she never talks to anyone, she doesn’t like sitters, she takes a lot of time to get used to strangers so i’m a buffer until she gets used to ana so, that ana can just babysit her at my brother’s place instead of mine.”
you narrow your eyes at him as you process his words. unfortunately, it made a lot of sense, sunoo was the same, that is why you always babysat him.
“okay, then why call her your girlfriend?”
“because she thinks friends if they’re girls are girlfriends,” he sighs out and you purse your lips, that also made sense, especially with kids as young as sunoo and arin.
“i see.” you whisper back, not knowing how to feel about all this, it made sense, you should be over the moon, falling into his arms, telling him that you feel everything again, that you like him again but you freeze instead.
you were so ready to move on.
you were so ready to never see him again.
and you were so ready to never know his response, to never know what he felt.
but you are here, in front of him, as he waited for you to speak with anxious eyes and you only felt overwhelmed.
“okay.”
“okay?”
“thanks for explaining, if you get off, i will go now,” you keep your eyes on the road ahead of you, refusing to look at him even through your periphery.
“seriously? do you need time or is something else wrong?” you hear the pleading in his tone, the desperation, you wonder if you ever sounded like that to him.
“nothing’s wrong, i’m glad you explained, and now, i’d like to go home,” this always happened, whenever your emotions got too much, whenever it seemed like everything would fall on your head and crush you, you slipped into robot mode, where you refused to feel anything, where you refused to be human, where your feelings were nothing but dust in the air.
it’s how you never went back to a boyfriend, how you never begged anyone for anything and it kept you protected.
“why are you doing this?” but god, the crack in his voice might just break your resolve.
“doing what, jimin? i just want to go home,” you try to reason and he huffs in annoyance, “that’s not what this is, you aren’t even looking at me.”
and you pause.
take a deep breath.
look at him.
and the warmth you missed for all your teenage life, lights you up, beyond his frown, his gathering tears, his clear sadness, his warmth peeked through and stared straight at you.
you knew you had to go, leave before you couldn’t but where will you go?
how many times will you turn your back on yourself?
how many chances do you have left with jimin?
and will he ever take those chances the way you will?
“you’ll never like me, jimin,” you start, unwilling but forcing yourself to pull through, he opens his mouth to protest and you cut him off, “you’ll never like me as much as i like you.”
and his mouth falls shut.
“and i’ll always know that, i’ll always know that you like me less than i like you, that you hated me at a time when i would’ve done anything for you, and by some miracle, it’s changed now, you might like me but never as much as i like you, my past of loving you as a kid, will always haunt me, and your rejection then will always hurt me,” you have tears dripping down your chin by the time you’ve finished and you know it will only pain you more if you look at him so, you stare at your lap.
you wait for him to get off, to go away, to finally understand why you two would never work out.
“so, please let’s leave this be, i’ll continue to bring sunoo around for arin, we can be civil for them but whatever this is, i can’t do it, not with you,” you whisper, hoping that it was loud enough for him to hear but he stays eerily still, staring into nothing and you wonder if he didn’t hear you.
“jimin, can you-“
“what about me?”
“now you’re just being childish,” your anger rises again.
“no, i never got the chance to explain my side at all, what if i like you more? what if i liked you way before you did?” your heart stops in your throat at his words but you shake it off, “this isn’t a competition, jimin!”
“fine, then this should just be a casual question, when did you start liking me? in school, when did it start?”
“seriously? what are you trying to prove here?” you turn to fully face him with a scowl.
“just tell me.” he sits just as rigid, just as fed up, and it only irritates you even more but your face goes red nonetheless at the memory, “ball room scene, dance practice.”
“i liked you when you gave me the script,” and you want to look away, ignore all of what he says but you only lean in further and he leans in too as if letting you in on a secret that no one else knows, “i remember exactly how stomach-bottoming it felt, how scared i was because i thought you would never like me back.”
“really?” you’re leaning in even closer, so much more desperate to every other secret of his.
“really, and i’m not saying this because it’s a competition, i’m saying this because i couldn’t then, i didn’t have the courage, i liked you so much that the thought of you rejecting me, it would’ve killed me,” he laughs, both amused and horrified at the truth spilling out from his lips, but you see the fear too, the restrain in his breath, and it makes your own shoulders fall.
“then why did you act so annoyed whenever someone teased you?” you whisper again, embarrassed to ask the question because it made you feel like a kid again, the same kid who hid her feelings to make sure that he wasn’t inconvenienced by your heart.
he drops his head in quiet laughter, “imagine you like this person so much that your whole body fails you, and there’s some idiots making it even harder for me to look you in the eye,” he looks up at you as he says it and your spine weakens to fall on the seat behind you, every word of his puncturing itself into your heart.
jimin copied your movements and fell back too, sighing out, “i also knew how annoying it could be for you so i thought if i acted like that for a while, they would forget but fuck, they were persistent. honestly, i thought you would figure it out because of them.”
“figure out what?” you are breathless by the time the question escapes you.
“your crush was never one-sided, y/n, but mine was, at least for a little while.” you blush, not knowing what to do with your face anymore, you didn’t know if you were smiling or frozen or frowning but the numbness, the blind excitement left you gasping.
and jimin purses his lips, “i might’ve been this bright kid who talked to everyone then, but none of that helped me when it came to you, it was like every bit of confidence i had fell from me when i was around you and it was alarming, you know, it was so fucking scary to feel so different because of one person.”
and there it was.
the confirmation.
that he was different with you, that he too lost his head with you.
“what about later? when we met again?”
“oh that, i was trying to be cool, it didn’t work, right?” he winced and you couldn’t help the laugh bubbling out of you, “nope, not at all.” and jimin bangs his head against the headrest and you sit there, smiling.
it was strange, the elation and frustration you felt, it was strange to sit next to jimin and hear the words from him that you’ve waited for forever.
but you won’t hold that over him anymore and you were done burying your heart.
“i like you,” you say, twisting to face him and he smiles, not bothering to hide it, “a lot, jimin, i liked you then, i like you now, a lot and i’m scared.”
he leans forward to take one of your hands into his palms, you melt your fingers into his skin, and he speaks with a smile and with the world’s confidence and fear, “i like you, i’m sure that like is love too, it’s always been there and i’m scared too.”
“but i like you and i’ll continue to do that while i’m scared.” and any worry you had, flies out the window.
you feel brave.
you feel like you could fly and never see the ground again.
you stare at him for a minute or two, until his face is in your head like it’s your own face and you cross the barrier, in this case, the handbrake in your car to climb into his lap and you shiver when he buries his face into your neck.
you loved him when you didn’t know what it meant, and jimin loved you before he ever knew his heart could feel so much.
and that was enough for you to smile into his hair and wrap your arms tighter around his neck.
“i’ll do the same, jimin.”
-
jimin felt heavy with the love in his heart, with his arms on your waist, with his fingertips touching your skin, he felt overwhelmed, a bit crazy, and definitely scared out of his mind.
this was it.
the performance.
after today, you probably wouldn’t even look at him again, he’ll probably be just another guy who sees you walk down the hallway.
he knows when this funny feeling in his heart started, you had passed him the script and walked right past him to teach someone else how to do their scenes, and instantly he saw you, he saw nothing but you.
being the loser he was, he messed up any scene he could so that you could walk over, glare at him, and then, help him endlessly, help him until he was perfect (which he already was).
and he was alone in that pathetic-ness, alone in that feeling until one day, you looked at him as if he hung the stars in the sky and he didn’t know what to do with himself since that day.
but he had you in his arms, he had you in front of him, he had you in every moment of being on the stage and he knows he can’t just get off.
“and…cut!” jimin deflates, his arms that were so sure of holding you, weaken and fall from you.
then, the lights die and his confidence dies, and he feels ashamed of himself, so much so that he leaves the stage immediately.
he hears the cheers, the screams, the applause but none of that matters when the words he’s wanted to say die inside of him.
but he stops below the stage, looks up to see you hugging everyone on the stage, and hates himself a little but charges forward.
summary: when jungkook loves, he loves with no limit, with no holding back and when he leaves...he disappears, he's a ghost you knew a lifetime ago. seeing jungkook after he broke your heart shouldn't have made you so happy but every heartache, every tear, every claw at your chest, fades and disappears when he finds you in the corner of a party and whisks you away for another wild and free phase in your life. (inspired by the song 'drinks or coffee' on rosie).
note: the relationship is abrupt, with a lot of ups and downs which is how toxic relationships are, there may be love and a absence of everything else that matters (security, etc.), please know my characters are completely made up and have nothing to do with our real life jungkook. enjoy <3
masterlist masterpost
-
parties were boring.
a room full of people you don’t like, having to squeeze between them and their conversations, ignore the spilled drinks on the floor, and trying to keep a pleasant face through all of it, was the hardest thing you’ve had to do in a while.
if you weren’t obligated to be here, you wouldn’t be.
but it was starting to look like a good decision after all.
because there is jungkook in the other corner of the room and he’s smiling at you, you were probably smiling back but your heart squeezed in your chest at the sight of his full face, heading straight towards you.
you head towards him too.
it isn’t by conscious will, it isn’t by choice, but it is by instinct.
you see jungkook, you gravitate towards jungkook, you lean on jungkook, you like jungkook, but you never knew then and you don’t know now if he felt the same pull too.
you like to tell yourself that he does, he has to, and just as he comes to stand before you, he reaches into his pocket to pull out his phone, you frown when your phone rings in your pocket.
‘FRIEND…calling.’
…you used to be quite petty, you blushed at the name you gave him when things didn’t end so well for you two.
“i know it’s been long,” you suck in a breath, the freshness of his voice hitting you the same way it did when you first met him years ago, “but i’m happy that you’re here tonight,” he whispers into the phone and it reaches you, from both a few feet in front of you and in the form of his breathless voice into your ears.
the ridiculousness of the situation isn’t beyond you, he’s standing here, talking into his phone, you’re on the other end and also, just right next to him but jungkook was always this, just full of ways that unexpectedly made you happy.
you can’t help it, the laugh that tumbles out of your mouth, the warmth cupping your cheeks invisibly, the shudder climbing up your spine and you especially can’t help but feel proud at jungkook’s face smiling back at you.
the call ends, phones slide back into pockets and now, it’s just reality, now, it’s just jungkook’s eyes dancing on your face and his shoes touching your heels, and you wonder if he still remembers how he felt when he first met you, because you do, you still feel the same.
his rounded cheeks.
his dimple that was shy sometimes.
his lip piercing, which he swears makes him look sharper.
his eyes, a galaxy of stars that contradicted his hard-earned body.
you were gob-smacked then.
you are gob-smacked now.
nothing’s changed.
“i’m happy that you’re here too,” you are, you are so happy that you have to force your feet to stay on the ground and pride flashes on jungkook’s face, he nods, taking in the warm feeling that you felt just minutes ago.
his cheeks take on a light pink and his lip piercing can only help him so much; he starts to look like a glowing moon (with blushing cheeks!).
next thing you know, you’re sat next to him near the fireplace, no one seems to mind you both on the floor and you two couldn’t care less about the people around you.
“i opened a gym with one of my friends, it’s doing well, you should come by sometime,” he took a sip out of his cup, you didn’t know what it had, you didn’t ask, “and what, watch you work out?”
jungkook laughs, eyes cinching close and you feel that bubble of pride again, “sure, or you could just work out, like a normal person would,” he pressed his finger to your forehead, tipping you backward and you rolled your eyes, “where’s the fun in that?”
jungkook shook his head at you with his eyes still closed, and when he opened them, there was a dance of amusement, reviving affection and warmth clouding in his pupils and you sucked in a breath.
you stared at jungkook with your knees bent in front of you, hands folded on top of them and your face leaning as close as it could to him without actually touching him and he’s sat, one hand on the floor, one hand dangerously close to your ankles.
jungkook has always let you just stare at him, he allowed you minutes and hours of looking at him without asking questions, without finding it weird, without cringing or getting annoyed, he appreciated your focus on him and you took full advantage of that always.
the fire burned bright on one side of his face and the other side was completely swallowed by the darkness in the room and you wonder how you look to him, if the light played tricks on your face too, if you too looked half-beautiful and half of something he was yet to figure out.
“should we go somewhere?” you look around the party, you wouldn’t be missing much, you have shown yourself to the host, talked to a few people and there was nothing left to do so, you eye jungkook’s waiting hand knowing that once you take it, you would be repeating history.
you put your hand in his, maybe it would be different this time, maybe this time, he’ll fall in love too.
-
in the club, jungkook immediately challenged you to take several shots with him, and soon, it was a competition and neither of you was backing out, neither of you let your eyes stray away from the other and with each stare you caught from him, you earned a full head-to-toe scan that made your palms tingle.
just as your ninth shot burned down your throat, a familiar, too familiar beat floated in the air around you.
the way by kehlani and chance the rapper.
“jungkook, it’s our song!” you practically glowed from the recognition, only to hesitate at the ‘our’ part because it’s been a long time since you’ve shared anything with him and you wait for him to hesitate too, you wait for him to break the bubble you’re in but he screams with you, pulls you away from the crowd and helps you climb onto a table.
you immediately sway with the music, screaming the lyrics into the air and laughing at jungkook’s silly dance moves till your lungs burn, and with every flip of your hair, every move of your hips, and every animated expression on your face, jungkook stared, jungkook cheered and jungkook stayed.
you allowed him the staring too.
there was nothing better in the world than feeling his eyes on you, tracking your every move as if he could mimic them in his sleep, there was nothing better than knowing he would stay, at least for tonight.
as the song ended, jungkook let you drop into his arms where he spun you around and you curled around him, high-pitched laughter still ringing from your throat, his own head was thrown back in joy and he carried you bridal-style all the way back to your table, while whispering sweet nothings into your ear.
you’re sure your face is red, you’re sure your pulse is high, and you’re sure you haven’t stopped smiling since the second you saw jungkook.
this was how it was with jungkook, all joy, all wild, all free, and all love.
until it wasn’t.
…just kidding, you just had a bit too much to drink.
“i told you we shouldn’t have taken that last shot,” you groaned, head lulling on jungkook’s shoulder and his entire body shook under you, you smiled to yourself, feeling his happiness on you was always so strange, so precious.
“i did tell you to not take it but you went ahead with it anyway,” he tsked at you, holding you to the side of his body so you couldn’t fall and you whined in response, “you were winning, what was i supposed to do?”
“let me win?” jungkook tilted his head at you and you narrowed your eyes at him, “never.”
his phone rings and you know it’s not you, and you feel especially weird when he immediately cuts it, not even letting it ring for two seconds.
you raise your eyebrows at that but bite your tongue.
he notices.
“it’s nothing important,” he shrugs it off but his shoulders remain tense.
“i didn’t ask,” you say immediately, turning your body away but you feel bad when he sighs, he didn’t have to cut a call for you, you weren’t anything but a friend to him.
you expect him to say good night and leave, you expect him to say that he wasn’t so happy to see you tonight.
but jungkook’s full of surprises and just as you prepare to apologize for your reaction, his eyes brighten up at the sight of a toy claw machine, and you know what’s on his mind.
“you told me you have to go home, right?” he slowly slips his arms from around you to hold you by your hands instead and you don’t like where this is going, or this is exactly how you wanted tonight to be.
“jungkook, no,” he inches towards the machine with a pout on his face, “how about i win you, not one, not two but three plushies? then will you come to mine?”
“to do what?” you huff out though your cheeks reddened at his fingers caressing the side of your face, your skin sings where he touches and his whisper “to you know,” leaves you gasping, but he doesn’t know your struggle, he shrugs and moves away.
that gives you a second to breathe and you roll your eyes to mask your desperation, “i don’t know, jungkook.”
“to talk, silly! where did your dirty mind go?” jungkook gently flicks your temple and you bite back a smile, “so, we just talk?”
“of course, i’m a nice guy,” he says then turns to smirk at you, “you know that,” and your body rushes with a wave of everything that happened between you two.
he had meant it lightheartedly, but now, all you could think of was, no, he wasn’t very nice, he wasn’t very nice sometimes in the middle and was definitely not nice towards the end.
but you weren’t either.
“so, we have a deal?” jungkook reaches the machine and his face lights up with red, blue, and green, and he looks over at you, excitement practically bouncing off his body and everything shoves itself in again.
you nod.
he wins you a panda, a bunny, and a tiger.
he carries you all the way to his home.
and doesn’t look at his phone once throughout the night.
-
jungkook’s apartment was no longer tiny, jungkook wasn’t a tiny college student anymore, he was all big and buff with galaxy eyes, and his apartment was just like him, with sharp corners and soft lights.
you stared down at the ceiling fan that rotated over and over again, refusing to move an inch, refusing to acknowledge the light pouring in from the windows, refusing to believe that your night with jungkook was already over.
you didn’t want to get up and find the apartment empty.
you didn’t want to realize that you wasted your time again.
if you got up and ran, leaving everything behind, jungkook would be a ghost again, and after last night…you don’t think you have it in you to leave.
then, your phone rings, a loud disruption to your quiet, worrying thoughts and you grab it quickly.
‘FRIEND (?)…calling’.
apparently, you weren’t too drunk to change jungkook’s contact in the middle of the night.
“hello?” you whispered into the call and his small laugh burst in from the other side, “come out, sleepyhead, how much longer will you sleep?”
and you melt.
quite literally.
your entire body falls back on the bed with a sense of calm that can only come after a storm.
“you’re still here,” you mumble, more to yourself than to him and he hums, “well, it is my house so,” and your head falls to the side with a smile growing.
he was still here.
god, relief was so sweet.
you step out of his bedroom on your tiptoes, as if your noise would ruin this moment, and jungkook peeks from the corner, the phone still pressed to his ears, and grins, “you won’t believe this.”
“what?” you look around and he presses the phone closer, “the prettiest girl in the world just showed up inside my apartment.”
and you know if any other man said it, you would cut the call, gather your belongings, and block them as soon as you were out of their place.
but it’s jungkook.
everything is different with jungkook.
“oh, inside your apartment? sounds like you have a stalker,” you play along and he frowns playfully and nods, “i’m pretty sure i saw her near my gym,” and you burst out laughing.
“okay pretty, shut up and get here, i’m making you pancakes,” he presses a kiss into the phone and drops it only to pick you up in his arms and place you on the counter.
your heart was pounding in your ears as you took the scene in.
jungkook is in a tank top and apron, flipping pancakes, and the sunlight is falling just right on his tattoos. his face is relaxed, soft, and calm, it’s everything you want his face to be like when he’s with you.
you want to pull him in for five hundred kisses.
“taste this, ow,” he picks up a pancake, only to drop it and hiss and his phone decides to ring just as you start to get down, “stay there,” and you slide back on the counter.
you wait nervously as his mumbles carry to the kitchen but you can’t catch any words or hear anything specific. when he comes back, he apologizes, “just family,” with a kiss on your cheek and he continues picking up the hot pancakes, blowing on them, until he seems satisfied and steps forward.
you expect him to put them on a plate, you expect him to make himself pancakes and eat with you.
but jungkook’s always full of surprises.
you can’t think of anything else as you watch with amusement glazing your eyes and he tenderly feeds you the pancake, all while blowing on it and asking you if it is too hot, you shake your head at him, no, it wasn’t hot, it was just a bit hard for your heart to beat at a normal pace right now.
the early hours of the morning pass this way, with a few kisses here and there, with about five pancakes in your system, and smiles, so many smiles.
and as you leave, you can’t help but look back, “i loved this,” you mutter, words a bit shy and slow, and jungkook looks away.
you assume this is it.
you assume this is how it ends.
his phone didn’t ring again but you really didn’t want to know who was on the other side, whether it was family or not, whether it was someone else, you really tried hard to push it to the back of your head.
you were having a good time and that is all.
you walk out casually as if leaving didn’t put another weight on your shoulder, as if leaving didn’t scare you that this would be the last time you see him.
right outside of his door, your ringtone breaks your step.
NOT A FRIEND…calling.
you didn’t change that.
your heart pounds as you pick up, you don’t say a word as his breath fills the call.
“friday night, you’ll come back, right?”
it was two days from now.
“why?”
“cause’, i love spending time with you, and saying it to your face scares me,” he laughs nervously and you clutch your phone tighter.
“you don’t mean that,” your fear speaks and he sighs.
you place a foot forward again, ready to cut the call.
“you know me, you know that i mean it, right?”
you didn’t know him; you know that you can believe his words only for now.
nevertheless, you go back to his door, bang your fist on it, and wait, breathless, maybe a bit desperate too.
when he opens, his eyes are on the floor and your eyes are on him, your phones stay connected in your hands.
you pick up your phone, press it to your ear, “and i mean this, i loved this morning, i loved last night too.”
i loved you.
a lifetime ago, but you did.
and he smiles, presses his phone back to his ear, “i’ll see you friday.”
-
“and you’re sure they won’t mind me here?” you ask once again as jungkook leads you into a garden party, and he rolls his eyes at you, “they don’t and if you feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable, we will leave, how does that sound? just tug on my sleeve, and we’re out.”
you were glad the sun had set outside and he couldn’t see your face because you’re sure that your eyes were drowning in love.
who would’ve thought that he would be back in your life, seemingly in a more stable way than last time?
of course, you happily ignored that it’s only been two days since you’ve known the new jungkook.
everyone walked up to jungkook, smiling big and wide at him, hugging him, telling him how glad they were that he was here and you felt left out, even if his hand never left yours, even if he only wrapped one arm around anyone who came to him but you couldn’t shake it.
there was a point in your life when you knew everyone who knew jungkook, anyone who was his friend was your friend, you didn’t talk to any of those people now and all the new faces made your head spin.
how much time had passed?
why did it feel so long and short?
why did you feel both excited to uncover his life again and sad that there was such a big part of it that you had no clue about?
“she is my…” jungkook trailed off, awkwardly chuckling and rubbing the back of his neck and you’re brought back to the world where his friend stares at you with shifty eyes and a stiff smile.
“friend, good friend, my name’s y/n,” you leave his hand to shake his friend’s, hoping that it alleviates the tension but it seems to have the opposite effect.
his friend quickly introduced himself and coughed, made some excuse, and left.
and you stood there, hand hanging next to your body, so cold from the absence of jungkook’s hand.
“seriously, you couldn’t even say that we’re friends?” you looked up at him with poorly concealed hurt, “but,” jungkook starts but doesn’t finish, instead sighs at the floor and grabbing your hand again, leads you to the garden.
and the warmth of his hand isn’t enough for the ice gathering in your heart.
maybe tonight is it.
maybe tonight is the last time you see him.
“stay here, i’ll get us some hot chocolate,” he guided you to sit on one of the logs near the bonfire and you sat with pursed lips, you tried to look at his face but he refused to meet your eyes.
just as he’s walking away, you grab his hand, you have to fix this, you have to keep this going and he looks back at you with wide, curious eyes.
“i’m not mad at you, jungkook, so please let’s j-just be normal,” you swallow nervously after you say it, and leave his hand in the air.
you expect him to walk away, you expect him to ignore what you said.
but jungkook is always full of surprises.
he picks your hand back up, this time his sparkly eyes meet yours and he presses a simple kiss to your knuckles.
maybe tonight isn’t it.
maybe tonight isn’t the last time you see him.
the relief you feel is enough to slump your body on the log but it’s short-lived.
you ignore the distinct ring of jungkook’s phone as he walks away, you stare at the fire as if to dare it to burn you too, the anger you feel is both unnatural and too large for you.
“oh my,” you hear and your eyebrows knit together, it was a voice you hadn’t heard in a while.
“it’s so strange to see you here,” you hear his chuckle and feel his hug before you see his face and you melt and stiffen in his arms.
he lets you go in a second, he knows there are boundaries.
your ex was nothing if not courteous.
and jungkook would know that if he wasn’t just watching the exchange from a distance and only caught the hug.
“what are you doing here?” you gush at him and he shrugs, “forced myself to get out of my bed today, i was rotting,” he dramatizes at the rotting and you giggle, “please, i’ve been the same!” you agree with him.
you weren’t rotting in a bed.
you were rotting in a relationship that you know will never go forward or backward instead.
you shake the thought away; you don’t need that in your head right now.
you exchanged more small talk with him, laughed at his stories, and felt peace for a few minutes, you both ended on good terms and you still considered him your friend.
maybe you two would’ve worked out if jungkook wasn’t back in your life.
but it wasn’t long before he waved bye to you and disappeared into the crowd.
and jungkook comes back with two mugs in his hands.
you thank him quietly as you take one and sit back down, he calmly sits beside you, and you look everywhere but at him.
seeing your ex, especially when you ended on good terms, always left you uneasy and questioning everything you had in front of you.
“you’re not going to tell me who your friend is?”
there it was.
the jungkook you hated.
“he’s my ex and also yes, my friend, like you and me,” you replied, gripping the mug tighter, you hated that you even had to explain yourself to him but you knew you’d hit a nerve when his jaw clenched.
you can’t care less about that right now.
sometimes you wondered how you ever loved him.
you blew on your hot chocolate and looked straight ahead.
jungkook sighed, for the 100th time this night you feel and the sound was starting to annoy you.
“you know-“ and you’re interrupted.
jungkook grabs the side of your body and presses you close to him, drops a few marshmallows into your hot chocolate, and kisses the top of your head.
your anger dissipates.
your annoyance disappears as if it was never there.
sometimes you wonder how you ever loved him, other times you wonder how you ever stopped.
“i was just asking babe,” he mumbles into your hair and you don’t move a muscle, you stay uncomfortably wound up against him, “let’s enjoy this, yeah?” jungkook smiles, with his whole face and you can’t remember any point of the night that upset you.
for now, it’s just jungkook laughing at you as you sip on scalding hot chocolate and burn your tongue.
for now, it’s just jungkook kissing you and saying, ‘you should be all good now!’.
for now, it’s just you burying your face in his coat when he continues to pepper kisses on your face.
for now, it’s just jungkook and another night of loving him.
-
you clutched the bunny plushie in your hands as you watched jungkook get ready for bed, it was strange still, watching him in his home, moving around so casually around you.
he catches you staring, his shyness peaks through and a small smile builds on his face, you let your eyes fall shut when he leans forward to leave a pillow-soft kiss on your forehead.
“you want to eat something?” you shake your head, “we could get ice cream?” he offers again and you feel the heat in your cheeks, the affection in his voice hiding in the simplest questions was throwing you off.
“you know, i love this,” you’ve said this before, you know you have and jungkook’s face almost breaks because of his grin, “will you believe me if i say i love this more?”
“never.” and he chuckles, he steps forward in his t-shirt and pajama pants, the hottest he’s ever looked to you and you appreciate your view.
“but i love this more,” you think he’s challenging you, but he immediately follows with, “believe me?” and jungkook’s voice is so soft, his piercing blends into the moonlight, his eyes sparkle like never before, you have to hold yourself back from professing a lifetime of love.
“okay, i believe you,” and you close your eyes again when he kisses you, savouring the seconds, minutes, hours, or whatever else you have left with him.
you ignore his phone buzzing on the nightstand, you ignore his ignorance over the ringing, you swallow your panic when his arms wrap around as if they’re a part of your body.
you ignore his breathy whisper of, “i missed you,” and you ignore your own shaky voice when you whisper back, “i missed you like the earth misses the moon in the morning.”
for now, it was another night of loving jungkook.
-
the next morning, you wake up to murmurs from beside you, you barely open your eyes to see jungkook whispering into his phone and it’s not you on the other end, you pinch your eyes closed and turn away.
history.
it was back and you couldn’t stop it this time.
just like every other time.
when you first met jungkook, you were college students, both immature and more toxic than you would ever admit, you always woke up to empty beds after nights with him and he always found you on your boy best friend’s shoulder after a fight.
you would yell at each other; you would ask the other to adjust and understand but both of you refused to change anything about yourself to fit the other better. at the end of the day, he always ended up at your door and you always ended up at his.
you always crashed back into each other, a wave of kisses, love that came from almost losing each other, and also hatred, that you couldn’t go anywhere else.
the crash came more than five times during your college days and each time, you were bored of the cycle and so burdened with his love and yours, and the last time, you had blocked him and ignored his existence on any social media platform
you closed the door when you saw someone else in his apartment, he didn’t open his when he read your messages with your best friend.
that was then.
this was now.
in between, was a lot of growth and time.
you thought things had changed.
but you thought that every other time too, didn’t you?
“just speak normally, don’t mind me at all,” you mumble and as if a scratch in a record, everything buzzes around you for a minute, noisily, uncomfortably the voices in your head come back with a vengeance.
jungkook falls silent.
you bite your lip hard enough to feel the taste of metal spread on your tongue, as if a poison coming to kill you at this moment slowly but the poison was this room, the poison was these feelings you never let go of, and the poison was jungkook.
maybe no amount of time can fix you and him.
he always surprises you by leaving you, right when you’ve convinced yourself that he won't.
you only hear him say into the phone, “no, we can’t anymore,” and then only feel his hand on your shoulder.
but you’re already getting up, you’re putting your clothes on, you’re brushing your hair away from your face, and keeping your eyes on everything but him.
this was a dance you knew too well.
the dance of leaving and being left.
“wait, wait!” jungkook runs behind you, and you don’t pause a step, but eventually, he stands between you and the door.
“please, just let me explain,” he pleads, grabbing the sides of your arms, you feel like you’ve been burnt, you immediately shake them off and stand rod-straight.
“who was it?”
“right, i-“
“i don’t want any bullshit explanations or reasons, just tell me who is it.” you try to remain calm but your voice shakes with the rage you feel, and your eyes fill with tears with how intensely your anger ran through your nerves.
“please don’t cry, it really isn’t what you think,” he wipes the corner of your eyes but it only makes you angrier, he keeps saying everything but what you want to hear.
“shut the fuck up, jungkook! just tell me who is it? why do you keep taking the calls in secret? why do they call you so many times?” you prod your finger to his chest, you wanted every question to hit him like a bullet, the same way every ring of his phone left you bleeding.
“okay, okay, fine. she’s someone i was seeing-“
“was or still are?” you brace yourself, arms immediately crossing to hold your guard up.
“was,” he sighs and you feel like punching a wall, “why are you lying to me? if you aren’t seeing her anymore, why does she still call you?!” you yell, stomping into the apartment, wanting to break something, anything and he’s right behind you, hot on your heels.
“do you really want to talk about exes? do you?” he’s in your face, accusation and anger just as clearly written on his face as it was written on yours.
“yeah, i do, cause unlike you, i don’t hide my exes, i don’t answer their calls when i’m with you, i don’t entertain any communication unlike you,” you get all up in his face, fists clenching and unclenching beside your body and jungkook steps back with a mocking laugh resounding around you.
“oh really? you want to act like this now? you want to lie now, is that who you’ve become?”
“don’t be so fucking vague, jungkook, tell me in clear words, what the fuck is your problem?”
“you’ve been messaging him, i saw it on your screen so don’t even think of lying to me,” his chest rises and falls rapidly and you frown, “what messages?”
he knew your password, that wasn’t a big deal, you had told him that but what did he see that you didn’t?
“your ex, the one you were so starry-eyed for yesterday, left a very sweet message for you this morning, you would love it,” he laughs again, the sound still cut you harshly, you never missed the softness in his voice as much as you did right now.
you were offended, you were only ever starry-eyed for one person and he was standing in front of you.
you took your phone out, your fingers and hands shaking from both residual anger and fear of what you would see on your screen.
and surely, a text from your ex, who you thought had the decorum to leave you alone lingered in your inbox.
THE NICE ONE: you looked really pretty last night, made me think of our good times, give me a call, i’ll fix everything, i’ll make you happier than he does, that much i promise.
a pang of guilt hits you because you had also considered what could’ve been, didn’t you?
but you don’t even care about that right now, do you?
all that matters right now is to fight jungkook, fight until you finally win, fight until you walk away, and never look back.
“you got a sweet name for him too, congratulations to you two,” venom drips from his tone, his voice, his posture and you brace yourself again, you weren’t going to back down, not now.
“what the fuck am i supposed to do if he messages me?” you challenge and he throws his hands in the air, “block him! maybe don’t save him as ‘the nice one’, maybe never let him think that he still has a chance with you?”
“i talked to him the way i would talk to anyone i know, i didn’t let him think anything, i-i didn’t even see this until right now, what do you expect from me?”
“that’s what i am trying to say! what can i do if she keeps calling me?”
“block her! it was so easy for you to suggest it to me but you can’t do that yourself? so what, i’m the only one here still talking to someone else?”
“she’s been calling me but i never picked up, i promise, it was really my family that morning, i only picked it up this morning to tell her that she can’t call me anymore, you didn’t even let me explain,” he breaths out and though you know, that he’s honest, he’s sincere, you still want to fight.
“you’re serious?” you stepped forward again but your head was starting to feel light and loose, your body was too tense to relax anytime soon and you looked at jungkook.
maybe you never stopped wanting to fight him, maybe you never got over whatever you had, or maybe you still held everything against him.
“of course i am, i’m trying to work us out, i’m trying but why is it never enough?” his voice was no longer loud, no longer harsh, it was pleading, it was begging and your eyes tear up for a whole different reason. jungkook’s head dropped and so did the pace of your heartbeat.
this was the first time he acknowledged that there had been a time when you both had tried and failed, over and over again.
you’ve fought with jungkook, you’ve fought with jungkook a lot but not until this point, not until the both of you stood defeated and scared of what the other would say next.
not until you both were tired.
the fight simmers and boils down to nothing again.
“jungkook,” you break the silence and he stands still, his shoulders rise uncomfortably, his fingernails pinch the tender skin of his palm and that’s when you know, he’s scared and so are you.
“are we going to keep doing this until we can’t?” you shake your head as your tears gather again, you feel the devastation spread through your body, “are we going to keep hurting each other until then? i-is that fair?” your knees buckle and his fists clench, jungkook’s eyes squeeze shut and you see the tears leaking from the corners of his eyes.
you’ve never seen him like this.
you never want to see him like this.
your heart was growing a hole at the sight of jungkook so defeated in front of you and you had to look away.
“i don’t know what else to do, or how to make this better,” he sniffs and your shoulders drop down further. the feeling of failure dug itself deeper into your skin, and this time, you don’t think the wound will ever heal.
“i don’t either,” you whisper back and this time, he’s the one looking away from the sobs caught in your throat.
sometimes you wonder how you ever loved him, other times you wonder how you ever stopped but you never knew with jungkook, when you would feel something, what would you feel around him, it was always the most or the least but never what you could handle.
you didn’t see a future where you wouldn’t constantly overthink every call jungkook gets and he didn’t see a future where he wouldn’t constantly look over his shoulder for an ex or best friend of yours.
you’ve hurt each other before, intentionally or unintentionally and you know in your heart, that it will happen again.
it didn’t help that you two would never feel what you felt for each other, with someone else, it didn’t help that you loved each other more than you could handle, love couldn’t keep you together, it was too twisted, too cruel and someone had to get up and leave.
“jungkook.” his head snaps up and panic washes over his face but someone has to do this.
you’ll walk away.
this was it.
this was the last time you’d see him.
and it wasn’t for you, it was for him.
“i love you, i don’t think i’ll ever stop, but we both know how this will end,” he’s a lot closer now and his galaxy eyes are on your swollen eyes, on your shaking hands and he sighs, all his sharp edges erode and it hurts more than it ever has when he shakes his head as if he can’t believe it.
“i’m going to fix it, i promise, i will do anyt-“
“and we’ll break it again, you know this,” you say it as softly as you can, and the warmth returns but not for anything good, not for anything that will last, the warmth returns just enough for jungkook to graze the tips of your fingers with his hands and for the sunlight to shine on his red eyes.
“we will, yeah.” he agrees and your hands fall back into his, not to hold onto but to let go. your foreheads hold each other in place until you start to feel that you might never leave.
he lets you stare at him for several minutes, never once shying away from your gaze or questioning it, like he always has and you too let him take you in, for the last time this close.
“i love you too,” he says at the door and you suck in a breath, the wound stays fresh and bleeding but you have to go.
when you pull away, jungkook’s hand stays suspended in the air, waiting for you, even though it shouldn’t.
when you step out of his apartment, you wait for your phone to ring, even though you shouldn’t.
but his hands stay cold and your phone stays silent.
-
parties were boring.
a room full of people you don’t like, having to squeeze between them and their conversations, ignore the spilled drinks on the floor, and trying to keep a pleasant face through all of it, was still the hardest thing to do.
what was harder was seeing jungkook in the other corner of the room and him pretending that he never saw you.
but he still heads straight towards you.
you head towards him too.
but you don’t meet in the middle, you don’t stop for a chat and a smile, you don’t repeat history, you walk right past each other and never look back.
you see jungkook, you gravitate towards jungkook, you lean on jungkook, you like jungkook, and you leave jungkook.
he leaves you too.
-
taglist: @smoljimjim @lovingkoalaface @kookiescutie @reallygenerouskoala @krisdu83 (thank you so much for being excited for this, i hope you like it <3)
