summary ➢ you try to bare the thought the that jaehyun’s terminal illness was going to take him from you soon
pain was no stranger to you. from a young age, you became accustomed to the aching feeling in your heart and constant wear and tear of your soul. but watching the love of your life wither away like a rose out of water for too long was far beyond any other pain you had ever experienced.
how did it come to this? how did your perfectly healthy boyfriend, living his best life and fulfilling his dreams, come to be so helpless? you couldn’t comprehend it nor would you ever. there were too many questions and not enough answers.
“baby,” jaehyun croaked from his spot on the bed.
over the last month, he had found it difficult to speak, causing him to resort to hand gestures in order to communicate most of the time.
“baby,” he called again and you turned away from the window, looking across the room at his shrunken figure. he had lost nearly twenty pounds since being diagnosed with lou gehrig’s disease at the age of twenty-two. you could hardly recognize him anymore. “what’s wrong?”
you shook your head, “nothing.”
though his facial expressions were limited, he still managed to give a look that told you he didn’t believe a word. he turned his palm up towards the ceiling as a signal for you to hold his hand. hesitantly, you obliged and sat on the bed next to him with a sigh.
you didn’t want to talk about it. the situation ran through your mind constantly, wearing you down more and more everyday, but you had to stay strong for him. jaehyun didn’t get a choice on how his life would turn out. there’s no one to blame yet you found yourself putting it all on you.
“it’s nothing, jaehyun!” your voice raised louder than you expected and you felt his hand twitch.
letting go, you stood up to leave the room before you let your emotions get the best of you. jaehyun stopped you as your hand touched the doorknob.
his voice was hoarse and you knew it caused him pain to talk, “why don’t you tell me how you’re feeling instead of holding it in?”
as much as you didn’t want to upset him nor yourself, but he was right. you couldn’t hold it in any longer.
“you wanna know how i’m feeling?” you turned abruptly. “alright.. i’m angry. i’m angry!”
jaehyun watched frozen as you yelled, tears already brimming the waterline of your eyes, “i’m angry that you’re dying and there is nothing i can do about it!”
death was a sensitive topic between the two of you; though mostly you. at first, jaehyun was terrified of dying, breaking down as the thought came to mind. but as he began to lose every ability he needed in life, death was no longer something he feared and that broke you. the second he became comfortable with leaving was the second you would lose everything.
“is that what you wanted to hear?” you threw your hands up in defeat.
jaehyun struggled to try and move his body over so you could lay down with him. you knew his time was coming soon. sooner than you hoped. yet you laid with him as the moon cascaded over the tall buildings and the stars twinkled just as they did in those nursery rhymes you were told as kids.
just as you were falling asleep, jaehyun traced the words ‘i love you’ along your hip. when you woke up in the morning your world came crashing down. no amount of preparation could be enough to watch your soulmate be carried out of your bedroom.
with your heart torn in two and body aching, you felt a sense of comfort knowing jaehyun was finally at peace.
