Hi.
This is a huge overshare but I feel insane and nobody really gets it or else they're sick of me trying to talk about it(?) so I'm just gonna vent a little and maybe someone reads this or maybe they dont, but I feel like if I type this out, maybe it will help me be able to articulate it better if a time comes when I CAN actually speak to someone about this. (I've spoken to my psychologist about it but she just seemed to think it was a good thing?)
All of my sisters have really bad mental health and all but two(?) Are actively trying to fix that.
One who isn't, has a four-year-old daughter with pretty high needs autism, but undiagnosed, and they’re only just now seeming to not be so in denial about it, after another one of my sisters was recently diagnosed, causing her perception of autism to change (long story but my mum was responsible for our whole family's internalised ableism).
ANYWAY... this sister with the kid just recently got a puppy after their old one died a few months ago and they impulsively bought one two days after her and her wife initially began discussing the idea of getting a new dog.
They both work five days a week, and as mentioned have a pretty difficult child, who they are basically winging bringing up at this point because they won't look into autism, and how to raise a child who has obviously different needs?
They asked me to puppy sit the afternoon they bought said puppy, and the next WEEK I lived in their lounge room on a mattress, looking after an eight-week-old puppy, and witnessing their lack of spare time and effort to be able to take on this huge responsibility!
I obviously have become incredibly attached to the dog and it would even sleep on my neck at night during that first week and still does during its daytime naps.
It's been a month and I've puppysat at least once a week. In this time they haven't managed to stop the dog from biting (it's teething) and every time it barks or whines their daughter, distressed by the loud noise, screams and cries, then because of all of this, their daughter has also been hitting and kicking the puppy.
My sister keeps telling me that the dog is annoying and naughty, joking that I should take the dog, joking about wanting to use an air horn every time it nips, joking that she just wanted a lap dog and should have got an ai pet, even encouraging its bad behaviour like calling it "a trick" that it attacks their broom and locks its jaw so you can lift the broom and it "flies".
I am agoraphobic and have struggled to leave the house since 2020. I have no job, no friends, no relationships outside of my immediate family.
Yet have been leaving the house and travelling 1.5 hours each way via public transport to puppy sit. I'm obviously pretty mentally unwell and have been for a long time but NOW I FEEL insane. I have been crying pretty much every day.
I just want to kidnap her and give her love and all of this sucks but I know my only option is to somehow emotionally distance myself from her but it hurts me so so so unbelievably much that I cannot stop crying about it.
Because of all of this I have been looking into getting an assistance dog for psychosocial disability which is such a lengthy and honestly so convoluted and confusing process so far but I'm obviously pretty inspired by how completely insane/healed/worse/better this has made me, and how I have felt reciprocated unconditional love for the first time in perhaps my entire life from this poor little animal that relies so much on me to give it any glimmer of a good life BUT IT ISNT EVEN MY DOG! 🤢
I basically don't know what to do and need someone to just understand what I am feeling but it seems nobody I feel comfortable enough sharing this with within my family really understands. They just think I'm obsessed with this lil gal and that I gotta let go of what is out of my control and *be normal* but I have obviously never been normal in my entire life and I need some guidance on what that would even look like in this situation.
Thanks if you read this.
Tldr: look at the cute puppy.
