#nementia

[perfectnothing]

wont u take me down to funky town

[weishenbwi]

Namjoon’s words on the postcard validates the way I wrote his character before weverse existed, when I was still new to BTS. (this fic is older than the date shown on ao3). 😔💜

Translation: [Namjoon] The happiest moments for me are not super grandiose moments but the moments when I open my eyes in the mornings, when I smell winter in the air, when I'm riding a bike and the breeze feels nice. ARMY, when are the times you feel you are happy in your everyday lives?

My fic (Nementia): The other day Joonie wrote: "My friend’s mom asks me what are my hobbies and I never know what to tell her. My hobbies are breathing, feeling the temporarily sustained life force go in and out, wondering in awe at this complex combination that is me. Staring at the sky, whistling, letting silence graze over me and through me; delighting my senses in this silence. Wondering what it would be like if I were ocean, a tree, the earth. This leading to thoughts of how the earth has caretakers and those who abuse her, leading to thoughts of relationships and why people allow the same, to valuing our bodies, minds, our souls; continuing in a march to wondering how to benefit my soul and that of others. Having a desire to make the world a better place, always, wanting to hold everyone and everything with a unified unspoken language of care and undying love. My hobbies are thinking, reading words for this process. Books, quotes, thoughts. Feeling the earth beneath my feet, the hot summer sizzle across my flesh, the wind of volcano breathe down my neck and into my pores. Wondering how I can feel it all and still sometimes feel nothing, emptiness, hollow; the entire spectrum of emotions lit across me in a brilliant array of colors. These are my hobbies. And yet when asked, I say “I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.” Because this isn’t something I share with everyone and not everyone would understand."

[weishenbwi]

It started age 3. I guess I was a happy child, not sure. Hard to think back and remember it all, the years that have passed until now. Maybe there were happy moments. I guess every child has at least some. Moments where the sun feels warmer, the sky brighter, bluer, soft like a dream. Momentary lapses in between bad dreams and nightmares. I guess I was a happy child in a bad dream.

Yoongi, Nementia AO3

[weishenbwi]

Have you ever noticed the night's glow is both too intense AND overcast when you're down? And it doesn't matter the cycle of the moon or how many stars are visible or the amount of light pollution. Like someone's directing your life and they have to make everything (colors, tones, ambiance, all of it) just right or you'll lose the feeling and be whole again? Sometimes I imagine a demi-god playing with my life and he thinks it's funny when I fall or when my bruises don't heal and it doesn't matter because I'm only human.

Yoongi, Nementia AO3

[weishenbwi]

i just read nementia blood letting (clicked the links you shared from the feedback ask) and read the comments... were you writing yoongi from his perspective or was this a journal entry? i noticed one of the comments said they felt for you and i didn't take that you were writing about yourself more so than writing something about yoongi. can you clarify for me please? btw its incredible and too felt so sad reading it. good job if that was ur intention!

The story is fiction from Yoongi’s pov and was only slightly borrowed from personal experience (more an amalgamation of stories I’ve heard). I had the idea to write it as a journal from therapy (which wasn’t like the one described, that’s fiction) and went with it. I was in a dark place when I wrote it but honestly, it was probably the pov that made someone want to hug me after reading it. 😅 Although apart from it being fiction, I did really need a hug then. 👀

The POV was chosen because it was part of a series that housed my first fic and I wasn’t sure how to write - so this came out. Yoongi was my bias then and I felt like I related to him in such a way that writing this fic from his perspective would cater to the realism that I was trying to portray. 

[n-ementia]

Eu queria não ter uma memória tão boa, queria não ser tão obsessiva. Queria esquecer as datas, queria esquecer as palavras, as situações e os lugares. Queria te arrancar da minha mente, cirurgicamente se fosse possível, queria esquecer cada palavra, cada troca de olhar, queria esquecer o toque, até o jeito que você respira. Mas eu me lembro de tudo, lembro-me da musica alta e dos gritos enquanto eu queria desligar tudo e só te beijar, lembro que minha mente se transformou em um caos depois disso, mas eu quis, era como se eu estivesse em um estado de hibernação por décadas e seu toque me trouxesse de volta à vida. E eu ainda estava dividida, entre a zona de conforto que era minha vida e o risco de tudo se desmoronar se eu me entregasse a ti. Eu fascinada com tudo isso, mergulhei de cabeça na segunda opção, foi o teu olhar, foi o teu sorriso, foi a tua risada, foi o jeitinho que você inclina a cabeça pro lado e sorri quando fala aquela palavrinha, foi a confiança que você me deu pra arriscar tudo. E eu me lembro de tudo. Guardo todos os momentos bons, mas o frio da desgraça agora é maior, a indiferença é maior... E isso dói, a dor está marcada em meu corpo, e é nítida quando me olho no espelho, quando as pessoas me olham. Tudo isso me faz querer voltar no tempo, nunca ter perdido aquele ônibus, nunca ter sido tão gentil, nunca ter amado mais. Como nada disso é possível, e eu só faço o que é humanamente possível, que é continuar te amando.