6th April, 2023
Is being yourself as confusing to you, as it is to me?
I mean, how easy is it to tell a person that they can just "be themselves", at an interview?
Well, what if I don't know myself? What if said "myself" is someone who shouldn't even be an interviewee in the first place? What if said "myself" isn't real?
More often than not, I know and understand my reality; "I" being the key word. You don't. You don't know the clusterfuck that is, my mind. You don't know whether what I'm telling you is true or not. You don't understand the logic behind my answers. Nor do you understand the fiction it stemmed from. I could feed you anything, ANYTHING, and make it about me and you would have no clue. I know. I know because I do that more often than I'd like to admit.
Maybe, just maybe, the version of me that you know is what I aspire to be, what I wished I were or what I want you to THINK I am.
Or.
Maybe, just maybe, you do know me, fantasies and alter egos be damned. But maybe, you know a part of the real me and I made the rest up to keep things interesting.
Or.
Maybe, just maybe, I've lost track of my actual personality in all the aliases I've been busy creating.
That thought scares me. Who's to say that I actually I like chocolate and I was not just influenced by a version of me in a fancier, richer, happier verse that was but a figment of my imagination. One I chose to keep around.
The thought that I might not be able to distinguish my dreams from my reality is extremely frightening. But, the thought of those dreams coming true or hell, I don't know, never coming true at all (?), is scarier. I'm confused.
