#niatara

[shiresome]

No that sounds great yeah. Is it okay if I give the tortured souls a beach episode

[loveniatara]

[rhomellegacy]

Little zabrak and big ol' chiss Formal Wear Commission. Plowed through this in one sitting so now that it's done I'm noticing little anatomical errors that come from working square-by-square and not looking at it enough as a whole. Still, happy with how the tattoos and multicolor hairstyles turned out.

[spaceturra]

so, uh, i do commission work 20 bucks for that puppy

please help me be able to eat

[smuggle-this]

Spark of Dissent

HOLO 44.2.248://

TEXT READOUT

DISPLAY? Y/N

I'm getting real sick of the attitude of a lot of Jedi.  Just because me and mine aren't force sensitive doesn't mean we aren't worth a little bit of common decency.  We're more than just meat shields for their reindeer games, or targets to mind fuck when they get irritated.

And unfortunately, it's starting to feel like some of our allies in the Marran don't see it that way.  That just because we're not special snowflake force sensitive darlings, we don't deserve the basic respect that jedi practically demand just by their presence.

I'm getting really sick of people idly throwing around references to "mindkriffing" people like they're talking about picking up a cup of caf.  Getting really sick of patching up my boys in blue because they took a force blast to the chest and took to the air like a bird in an Alderaan spring, just to make some space for a jedi to run in and start swinging with their glowbat and get all the credit and glory.  

Sith bleed just as good from blaster fire as the next fucker, and I don't care how all powerful they are, one Sith can't deflect sustained fire from a dozen blasters at once.

And I know I ain't the only one who feels this way.

Bald nearly went to blows with Ihlrath on the Hyperion last night.  Because one of Ihlrath's people told Oz to go home... and Oz tried to walk out the airlock on their hangars.  Put that idea right in his head.  I might not like Oz - shit, that's the understatement of the year - but I've saved his ass enough to know how he bleeds. They tried to say it was "just a suggestion", but with everything Bald's going through, dealing with Red...

It was nasty.

And the thing is, I don't think any of the forcers get why he was so angry.  They don't - or refuse to - see the ramifications of being able to just look at someone and make them think "Oh, I should go" but not have any control over how they're going to do it.  To just idly affect someone's actions like that, to take away their control?  It makes them no better than Sith.  Absolutely no better than those fucks who screwed up Red's brain so badly.

And it didn't help that Bald and I were in a little tiff not thirty seconds before Oz came wandering by, brain all scrambled.  About Red.  Because I guess I don't know when to stop poking the bear when it comes to her.

And Nia's probably mad at me now, too.  I told her I was trying to track down where Dhen fucked off to when he transferred out.  I want to drag his ass back by that busted nose of his so Nia can properly kick it for treating her like shit.  For fucking off without even saying so much as goodbye.  I deserved a goodbye, and she deserved a whole lot more than a shitty letter.

Fuck, man.  Last night just sucked.

[baenling]

That awkward moment when listening to old RP playlist, remember character, remember ship

SUDDENLY ALL THE FUCKING FEELS

[smuggle-this]

Bottoming out.

HOLO 246.2.221://

Unlike the entries previous, chattered out in rapid-fire Basic with the occasional curse or exclamation in Huttese or Ul'Zabrak, this entry was recorded in a soft, lyrical tongue.  Any translator would recognize it immediately as Mirialan.

I can't do this any more.

I don't even know who I am any more.

I'm tired of keeping up the act.  I keep breaking, or almost breaking.  I miswired my own damn hyperdrive.  Something I could do drunk and half-asleep.  Hell, something I *have* done drunk and half-asleep.  Nearly ended up bantha burger on the side of some no-name moon behind some no-name planet on the outer edge of the outer rim.

Everything is just... wrong.  

Maybe it's time I took off the mask.  Find someone else to be.

Vyen'a doesn't fail.

I failed.  

The one thing I wanted - the only thing, the thing I didn't even know I really and truly wanted - I failed at.

Taking a break.  Yeah, right.

Everyone knows what that means.

I failed.

He came over the other night.  We spent some time at the cantina, and he came home with me.  And it was like it always should have been, and he was still there in the morning.

And then he had to go.  

And I know there's other girls who have their eyes on him.  The ones that are better for him.  Pretty little blonde humans.  Ones who will blend in when Corellia is rebuilt.  Ones who won't fall into bottles of whiskey.  Ones who can give him everything he ever wanted in a family.

That can give him a family.

I buried Anaria Rex when I ran from Mirial.  

Maybe it's time to bury Vyen'a, too.

I can reinvent myself again.  I can disappear into deep space again.  Sell everything that made me Vyen'a and buy a new name.  A new face.  A new identity.

A new life.

And hope that everyone just... forgets about me.  

Jer'ax will find someone new; someone better for him.  Jerhal and Ty'nea will get married and have lots of babies and be happy.  Ihlrath will... go on being Ihlrath.  With the Marran and his Sith.  Niatara will be fine; Ansten will fall in line if he takes her on that date.

I can just be a little happy greenie memory for everyone who knows me.  Knew me.

I can disappear into the galaxy.

And...

*She chokes a tiny sob*

And just hope everyone forgets about me.

Whoever they think I am.

They only knew a lie.

[smuggle-this]

Tangled

HOLO 23.1.136://

I gotta stop avoidin' recording these things when I'm stressed.

It's been a long fuckin' week.  What once seemed like smooth sailing is now nothin' but choppy waters.  And it's my fault.  It's all my fault.

I got real lucky I didn't split my hand worse than I did when I hit the mirror.  Took myself to a med droid after it happened; the droid said it's lucky I didn't sever every last tendon across the back of my knuckles.  I took care of it myself the whole week.  No outside help.  Couldn't bring myself to call Dhen.  Even if I did, I know he fuckin' thinks nothing of me now.  Less than nothing.  Shit, I saw him at the cantina with Niatara the other day.  Wouldn't even look at me.  Tried to fuckin' hide to avoid me seeing him.  So fuck him.  I get it.

The night after I split my hand, I self-medicated with whiskey and passed out face down on my bed.  Had the weirdest dream about Ihlrath, of all people.  He helped me out a bit, though.  Then it turned out it wasn't a dream.  He came and visited me through the force, somehow.  He'd been taken prisoner; caught by Imps and damn near handed over to some sort of... creature.  Master Nyomi called it the Nemesis, and they make the Imperial presence on Corellia look like a clear spring day on Alderaan in comparison, apparently.

They got Ihlrath back.  I took him to Tython for a debriefing with the council and he filled me in on as much as he could remember - which wasn't much.  He did, however, remember our conversation in the dream.  The next day, when he was back from Tython and the council's yammerings, we met up for drinks and talking.  Somehow we can have conversation through our heads, now.  Not sure how.  And...

Maker have mercy.   He's...  I still ain't a hundred percent sure if he's the romantic sort or just wants to have a good time naked or somewhere in between, but he cares for me in ways that's more than just Jedi-friendly.  First, I didn't even know that was possible or allowed or whatever.  And second... I don't even know.  He tells me this right after I get done unloading all these tears about Jerax and my confusion about what's going through my head - and other bits - when I'm around Tal and... fuck.

And Tal.  Fuck.  Yeah, that's a good way to put it.  That man is bad news, but he's also rapidly gettin' under my skin as someone who might actually give a shit even if he never sees me naked.  Er.  Again.  But him an' me, alone and in private... that ain't good.  There's too much tension there; it's practically palpable.  We were bein' good, even; gonna have drinks in public so we'd just be chill, and he ended up coming with me to take Ihlrath to Tython and on the way back I let him fly my ship and ended up kissing him again.  And I don't know what I even want there, other than to feel something, anything.  Anything other than the absolute utter confusion and heartache I have right now.

Because when I told Jerax what happened.  When I told him I fucked up, the day after I had that dream, the day after everything.  He just... took it.  He said he wasn't happy but wanted to work on things.  He didn't yell, or cry, or ask who it was... or have any reaction at all, really.  I was standing there bawling my eyes out I was so scared I'd lost him and all he did was hug me and put me to bed.  Said I looked exhausted.  And I was, but that wasn't the point.  And he left the next morning, early.  He took the time to come back for one night and I hit him with that.  And he didn't... he didn't even fucking blink, practically.  Do I really matter that little, that I'm not even worth a reaction?  I thought I was.  I thought he thought I was.  I don't think I was wrong.  

Was I?

He ain't answering his comm again.  I haven't talked to him in a week.  He's supposed to be back today; the seventh's got training exercises.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know if I should even show up.  

Maybe it'd just be easier if I disappeared into the fuckin' stars again.  Put Nea up in a hotel room on Carrick until Bald gets back so she can draw and still feel safe and then just fuck off.

And I don't even know if anyone'd notice, really.  Fuck it, who am I kiddin' with this anyone shit.  I ain't sure if Jerax'd notice.  And that's what hurts the most.  That I got so tangled up I'd do anything for a sign that I'm not sure will ever come, now.

I don't want to give up hope.  Not yet.  I just don't know how much longer I should hold onto someone who is actin' like he don't care, like I ain' worth the trouble to matter any more.

I'll comm Niatara.  Even with her whatever with Dhen.  She might have some advice; maker knows I fuckin' need it now.  And we've been meanin' to have drinks.

If nothin' else, she won't laugh if I start crying.