The "I know a guy from online" almost sounds like something Hisana could do if she ever decided to try and leverage her relationships with all the various people she knows throughout the Soul Society.
Honestly tho, like...you’re not wrong. And it could be a really fun modern AU to consider:
Like you have Kaien as the badass spy dude who Hisana discovers bleeding out in the dumpster behind her apartment or something after getting his cover blown and narrowly escaping some Generic Bad Guys. And Hisana being Hisana is like, welp guess there’s nothing for me to do but take this super sketchy dude who I know absolutely nothing about home and patch him up (to be fair, she’s an elementary school nurse so she’s Seen Some Shit). And in the middle of patching him up, the Generic Bad Guys find them and the next thing Hisana knows, her apartment is on fire, they’re in a stolen car going 120 miles/hour, and the only thought she has going through her head is ‘god, I hope my renter’s insurance covers this.’
But then after Kaien gives his ‘your life is in danger so you’ll have to stay with me for the time being’ spiel, he gets a call from HQ telling him he’s needed in Chicago and he starts going like “okay, first of all we’ll need to get disguises and false identities so we can get through the airport undetected and-- wait, what are you doing?”
“You did say Chicago, right?” Hisana says, not looking up from her phone. “Alright, this girl I used to bartend with just texted that she’s sending her private jet to pick us up, should be here in about 30 min, give or take a few.”
“Your former coworker is willing to send you a private jet??”
“Well, we used to date too.”
Then later they’re in Singapore and Kaien is like “okay, I know a safe house 50 miles from here where we SHOULD be safe,” and Hisana is like “can’t we just stay at my boyfriend’s summer cabin, it’s like a 5 min drive away” and Kaien almost has an aneurysm when they pull up in front of a gated mansion with freaking armed guards. “How did Byakuya and I meet? Used to work at this coffee shop on campus and he would stop by from time to time,” she says as she rifles through her purse, as if dating one of the richest men in the world is no big deal. “Idiot used to make up the most ridiculous, insanely complicated orders as an excuse to talk to me, which is...both really sweet and really stupid. I came super close to strangling him more than a few times. Anyway, we’re trying the long-distance thing which has been hard but all relationships have their challenges, you know how it is--”
No. No, I really don’t, Kaien thinks to himself and resists the urge to pound his head on the dashboard.
Then later it’s like “wait, you need someone to translate this obscure ancient text written in Sumerian Cuneiform? No problem, used to TA for this professor back in college, awful fashion taste, he has this tacky pink kimono--” “And he can translate it?” “No, but the guy I set him up with can.”
And “okay, I know a guy who might be able to analyze this mysterious chemical” “Let me guess, you used to work in his lab?” “No, where’d you get that idea? We met through Words with Friends. Bit of a weird guy, definitely done some morally questionable shit in his life, but hell if he doesn’t have an impressive vocabulary.”
And just as Kaien thinks he’s finally managed to get used to her insanely well-connected network of friends, exes, past coworkers, teachers, etc., he comes to her and is like, “Alright, so we think we’ve finally managed to get a lead on who the leader of the organization is. We don’t know his name but we think he’s the boss of a company called Illusion Corporations--”
“Illusion Corps.?” Hisana asks, an odd look on her face.
“You’ve heard of them then? Yeah, I know they’re one of the most powerful weapons manufacturing companies out there so taking them down isn’t going to be easy. If you want to back out, I completely understand--”
“No, that’s not it. It’s just, I know the vice president there.” Before Kaien can stop her-- or really, do anything except wonder how this is his life-- she takes out her phone and scrolls through her contact list. Kaien just barely catches a glimpse of the words ‘Smiley Asshole’ before she brings the phone up to her ear.
“Hey, bastard? It’s me. So you know how you’re always complaining about how much you hate your boss?”