Hey friends,
I’m still here. It’s wild but NLA helped get me through 2020 - I kept thinking back to my time there and it made what I was going through in the present seem more bearable. I could wear whatever I wanted, I had paper towels, I had access to the Internet and the and music and movies, I could talk on the phone whenever, and I wasn’t being forced to do manual labor! I know I was very lucky, and my year could have been much much worse. I spent most of 2020 sleeping and dissociating, very helpful trauma survival skills!
It’s late at night and I can’t sleep, I was thinking of NLA and getting mad at my parents. I wish I could fully let it go, it’s gotten better over the years but once in a blue moon I’ll still think about how my folks let me down. It helps a little when I convince myself that even though they did hurt me, that wasn’t their intention; that they did the best they could with what they had to work with. I’m not sure that’s 100% true but it gives me some peace thinking it, and that’s more important to me.
I know that the grownups at NLA tricked them, that that’s what all programs like NLA do. But I still firmly believe that my behavior as a preteen was a reflection of how dysfunctional and unhealthy my home environment was. And instead of my parents taking responsibly and changing their behavior, I was put on medication and sent to NLA. This is where grown up me has to come in and remind myself that I’m just not sure my parents have the emotional ability to do what I wish they did instead, and being hung up on that is just going to make me feel icky. Like it makes sense for me to grieve and be upset, but after feeling my feels for 5 minutes, i need to thought challenge.
It gets easier, the more time comes between me and NLA. I do still feel some frustration and resentment about feeling like I’m not allowed to talk about NLA when memories come up, but it happens less and less.
NLA proved to me how resilient I am, and I’m grateful for that. Thinking about it makes any challenges I face as a grownup seem much smaller, which is helpful. I wouldn’t wish my experience there upon anyone though! Finding these silver linings make it less painful now as an adult.
Hang in there friends. I’m proud of you.