AITA for not wanting to give a friend my wedding dress for her wedding even though I’m a guy now?
I (29m) got married to my best friend and husband (25m) a little over a year ago. At the time I knew I was nonbinary and probably transmasc, but hadn’t really been ready to start transitioning. I promised my then-fiance that I wanted to transition after we got married so the last dress I ever wore would be my wedding gown and it would be special. We had planned on getting married this year but had to move it up because with the 2024 election we were a little nervous about if we’d still have the right to get married. We had a courthouse wedding in the fall, and I picked out a nice black gown with beaded and embroidery and a cool black lace veil to match the spooky vibes we were going for, and to reference my d&d character that I had been playing when I met him.
Here’s where the complicated situation comes in- one of my best friends is my brother’s girlfriend, who I will call K (23). She was our photographer, my bridesmaid, and has been a solid support for me, and we used to work together and have struggled with similar disability issues that we’re glad to have someone else to talk to about. She met me before I was out or actively transitioning, and she has been pretty supportive so this took me off guard. She’s a genuinely kind person, but sometimes she can be tactless and demanding and she goes on the defensive when criticized. She and my brother have started talking about getting engaged, and last week she came to me and asked if she could have my gown and veil for her wedding because she's goth/witchy and not a lot of places around here offer black gowns within a price range she's comfortable with.
I’d like to note that they’re not engaged yet, and my brother might be leaving town for a year for a work scholarship soon and as far as he’s indicated he has no plans to propose until he completes his scholarship, so if they are getting married it would be a couple years out. She said that since I’d transitioned to male, and the dress wasn’t something she thought I’d have a lot of attachment to, that it might be nice to pass it on to someone who could care for it and share that happy memory. I said if it were any other dress I would be happy to, but just because I’m not dressing feminine anymore doesn’t mean this gown means any less. She then brought up that the dress had only been 200 dollars, so it’s not too big of a loss and I could see if I could find the same dress and buy it again. At this point I got frustrated and said that I really didn’t want to argue but I was not giving her my wedding gown because I want to keep it, and if she is struggling to afford a wedding dress she needs to look to someone who’s willing to give it up, or thrift one.
Now she’s angry and upset because she thinks it doesn’t make sense to pay for a gown when ‘you have one you won’t even wear again’. I can’t blame her for thinking that since I transitioned I might not have such a sentimental attachment to a dress, but my WEDDING dress? I don’t want to be mad at her but she was so pushy about it, and it felt like she cared more about her own potential future wedding than what this means to me. It put my brother in a really uncomfortable position, because he clearly loves her a lot but I am honestly questioning if they've actually talked about getting married or if SHE was sharing her desire to get married. He feels like he's stuck having to pick a side between his step-sibling and his girlfriend and that's not a fun place to be for any of us.
Is anon an asshole for refusing to gift his wedding dress to a friend for her wedding, even though he's transitioned now?
Yes, he's The Asshole
Everybody Sucks Here
No, he's Not The Asshole
Nobody Sucks Here
As always, please read the submission and vote first before reading my opinion!
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I am holding your hand gently to say, that is not a real friend. A real friend wouldn't ask for you to give away such a precious sentimental item. It does not matter that you've transition and no longer wear dresses. What matters is how much that dress, that experience, those memories meant to you, and how disrespectful it was to demand you make that sacrifice. That bit about planning for the wedding dress to be the last dress you ever wore? Beautiful, sappy, and gay - poetic and so moving!
K is more than welcome to visit as many stores, in person or online, that she needs to find the right dress for her. But the one for her is not your dress. It doesn't matter if you're a guy now, asking someone for their wedding dress crosses so many lines, especially after the first "no". If she's a real friend, she'll understand you putting up that very reasonable boundary!
Definitely speak with your brother about this separately from her, ask him about your concerns of her pushing wishes and dreams of marriage on him. I would also talk to him man to man - it's not okay for her to be throwing a tantrum over you refusing to give her an incredibly sentimental item, and at having to spend time and money to find her own dress. I want you to think about any other boundary-crossing K has done in ya'll's relationship, because this is screaming transandrophobia. I also suggest asking about any boundary-crossing in your brother's relationship too...besides the bit about going around actively planning (and starting unnecessary fight over) their marriage, before even being engaged.
You were not wrong to say what you did to her. She is majorly overstepping. That was an incredibly reasonable thing to say, and even if you're tone was biting, that doesn't negate the fact that she is firmly in the wrong here. Evidenced more by the huge fit she's throwing over not getting your gown.
