Confessions are open

A safe place for anyone under the Queer and/or LGBTQ+ umbrella to send in vents, rants, secrets, confessions, "am I the Asshole" polls, and etc. This is not an echo chamber 🌳

[queer-confessional]

Hello and welcome \⁠(⁠･⁠◡⁠･⁠)⁠/ Call me Tree (any languages are gucci)! We use pretty much any pronoun(s) except she/her and it/its, including ones for multiple persons. I'm just a country queer, trying to give our community a safe and open space to speak on things we usually keep inside our heads and hearts. This is our first time running our own blog, so please allow us some grace! I am dyslexic, so I will misspell words or phrase things oddly from time to time. We're usually very good about owning up to, and correcting our mess ups. But we are human, and we will biff it from time to time, just let me know! I do quite a bit of volunteer work, and work-work, so apologies if our responses are ever slow <3

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The schedule for answering asks is going to mirror my non-volunteer work schedule: Tuesdays, Thursdays, and occasionally Fridays. These will then be queued throughout the week.

Don't send anything in if you're uncomfortable with it being posted publicly! Please put content warnings at the top of your submissions (if you can, no pressure if not), and definitely indicate if you want an "Am I the Asshole?" poll

If you'd like to submit something with pictures, and you're uncomfortable having yourself attached to the post - send us a DM instead. I'd much rather take the hate for that any of y'all. Nothing scares me, I promise I am laughing at the losers who try to make their hangups everyone else's problem.

We all have messed up stuff rattling around in our heads, this is a safe place to express those thoughts and feelings. Within reason, of course, more details on that below.

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Things I will Not post:

• Genuine and/or detailed suicide notes. Talking on these feelings, however, is welcome. I'm a firm believer that we need a safe place to express this, without fear of being institutionalized, or held to what we were feeling in the moment! When the full intention is there, that's when I will draw the line.

• Hate speech and Bigotries - if it's small enough, or a genuine mistake/ignorance, you'll just get educated.

• Detailed talk about: Zoophilia, Pedophilia, Necrophilia, Incest, etc. Fret not folks with the Intrusive Thoughts Disorders and victims, you're allowed to talk about how your illnesses and experiences affect you - it's all about intention

• Fandom discourse, Roleplaying, or any debates/discourse/policing of how folks Self-Identify.

• trolls and/people attempting to start fights, or spread unnecessary call-outs

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I reserve the right to obscure/redact:

• Obviously identifying information, especially for minors

• Non-anon submissions (ex: personal names, where someone lives, etc)

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Feel free to have discussions and *productive* debates, but we're NOT gonna be overly rude or mean, or spread targeted hate here (we love the block button!!). I will not tolerate any dog piling, unnecessary call-outs, or anyone trying to "cancel" someone from their [non-bigoted, but it just gives you the Ick] submission(s).

Thought crimes are not real, and yes, you can be bigoted on accident.

We designed this blog to have a main focus on Queer and PoC communities. But, ALL: languages, levels of ability, personal labels, genders, body developments, ages, races, sexualities, etc are welcomed here! Trust in that we Will fight for you if anyone decides to start causing trouble.

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Hey all! I made this blog to give us a safe place to speak on our thoughts, feelings, secrets and etc. We were inspired by so many of the queer, poc, and/or BIpoc blogs on here: @this-is-ableism , @this-is-transandrophobia , @poc-transmasc-culture , @thisis-intersexism , @homoidiotic , @blackqueernotables , @this-is-anti-homeless,

@disabledunitypunk, @isuggestlandback , @velvetvexations , @isuggestforcemasc , @i-suggest-hope-and-kindness , @creatingblackcharacters, @this-is-anti-masculinity , @thisisracism , @this-is-transmisogyny , @makingqueerhistory, @this-is-lesbiphobia, @this-is-antitransfemininity, @this-is-saneism, @nonbinarymlm, @nonbinary-support, @theinternetarchive, @transgynephobia-is, @blackfilmmaker, @this-is-intermisogyny, @gloriousfatpoc @this-is-internoirism, @this-is-multiphobia, @fuckyeahasexual, @status-quo-hater, @this-is-exorsexism, the late AITA tumblr, and so so so many more that I didn't remember or couldn't name!!

[queer-confessional]

I know y'all didn't want a whole lot of updates about why we're missing for lengths of time.

However. I'm semi-homeless right now, in a rather bad health situation, with mental health declining along with the physical. We apologize for not being as available as we originally had intended ༼⁠ ⁠ಥ⁠ _ ಥ⁠ ⁠༽

we'll end up being more available after 1-2 weeks post-op!

[queer-confessional]

i'm trying my best to juggle honors classes, twelve hours of robotics meetings a week, mental health shit and being closeted and making sure i stay that way for safety reasons and doing things that i actually want to do and i'm still falling behind. i'm exhausted and don't even care about school anymore. even just. sitting on my bed drawing and listening to music takes it out of me. my robotics team is going to be competing next weekend at our state tournament and there's a lot of pressure to do well because i'm the captain and driver coach of the team and half the team is graduating next year.

my parents don't really know that i'm not handling it all because i tell them that i am. the last time i admitted to struggling with my mental health and workload, they put text monitoring on my devices so now anytime the program flags something, they get alerts and then act all concerned and say "i don't want to have to send you to therapy" like please. send me to therapy. (and not one of your christian conservative therapist friends)

how do i make myself get things done? taking a break doesnt feel like an option because i'll fall behind and get even more burnt out trying to catch up.

You aren't going to like this answer - the only truly helpful things for you would be: rest², therapy¹, [depending on several factors] medication⁴, and a change in your environment³.

1) Is there a staff member at school, or an adult family friend, that can help you look up local, affordable, and non-denominational options for therapists? You could even go to your local library - librarians are very good at helping find information and resources. This is not me saying to lie to, or hide important things from your parents. Taking a minute to prepare information for a talk on a serious subject is a little bit different. Just make sure to talk about it with them as soon as you can, info in tow.

2) Your schedule sounds like a lot, how many hours of personal time and sleep do you get a day? It might be worthwhile to take a step back from one extracurricular, or honor's class, in order to preserve your mental health. Self care isn't always simple and easy - sometimes it's difficult, but they're both important.

3) This one is...difficult, to understate it. It doesn't sound like your parents give your boundaries much respect, and, of the few ways to remedy this, not living with them is frequently the most well-rounded option. Talking it over with them is still a good idea! Are you closeted because it's dangerous where you live, or because you aren't ready yet? If it's due to the danger, try your best to make queer friends, to read about us, and keep the hope in you alive. If it's because you aren't ready yet, try your best to make queer friends, to read about us, and keep the hope in you alive.

4) Stress can take such a toll on our bodies, and it's awful to go through day after day. For some people, medicinal intervention, paired with therapy, can be incredibly helpful. What you're describing here would definitely be helped with therapy, and the clinic can decide after intake if medication would be right for you.

Wishing you the best of luck ♡

[queer-confessional]

gonna be honest i hate the term "egg". it straight up tells me what i should identify as, when im the one who gets to decide what i am

like no idiot im not a fucking "egg" just because im a guy who likes yuri. im not trans. im unlabeled since labels trigger my ocd and ill never use one for myself. get the fuck outta here

Absolutely. There's nothing wrong with enjoying yuri, no matter what your combination of presentation, body type, and gender are! It's not okay for anyone to tell other people what their gender is. Even if - and that's a capital IF - someone genuinely *is* an egg, it goes against the Egg Theory they're quoting, to crack someone's shell. Each journey is different, with the consistent factor being that we all have to come to that realization ourselves, and decide to pursue it of our own free will.

[medicalmechanicas]

Trans resources

Just wanted to share some of the trans healthcare resources I've accumulated considering the state of things The Gender Dysphoria Bible - defines and describes a lot of the ways dysphoria manifests, available in several languages

Am I trans?

Masculinizing HRT 101

Feminizing HRT 101

Transfeminine Science - compilation of clinical studies and research focused on feminizing HRT

Hudson's FTM Resource Guide - the OG transmasc resource, last updated in 2017 ;-;

A Beginner's Guide to Microdosing Testosterone During Your Transition - personal essay and primer on low dose testosterone from a nonbinary perspective

(US) Map of HRT informed consent providers

(US) Name and gender marker change guide by state

DIY HRT resources, be safe out there y'all

HRT Homebrew - A structured DIY MtF hormone guide - goes over making a variety of feminizing HRT with many different route options

HRT Cafe - transfem focused resource listing online pharmacies shipping worldwide, some of the linked pharmacies also offer testosterone!

The Transgender Herb Garden: An MtF guide to disconnecting one's self from big pharma - zine of one woman's experience growing herbs as her sole form of HRT

(US, most states) Own Your Labs Blood Testing Services - A la carte labwork to check your levels

[queer-confessional]

Would y'all want an explanation for each time I end up not posting according to the stated schedule?

Yes

Indifferent

No

Voting ended onMar 25

Can't promise in depth details - Internet privacy is a very important thing to practice, especially now - but I'll let y'all know the short version of what was preventing me from answering <3

[queer-confessional]

Group consensus is to have little to no ao3-style life updates!

[queer-confessional]

(Sorry if I've sent this before and just forgot, I've drafted it a few times)

I'm allo, and I recently started dating my best friend, who is aroace. I guess we're kind of a QPR? We talk about raising kids and living together, we've gone on dates and we talk a lot, but technically not much has changed since we've started dating. We're still best friends, it's just that now he calls me his boyfriend. I'm scared though that I'm forcing romance onto him. Like, he'll do something sweet for me, and I'll say "aww how romantic, thank you!" And he says he doesn't really mean for it to be specifically romantic, but he's happy I'm happy. And I worry that I'm diminishing our friendship by feeling how I feel. He's never gonna feel romantic attraction the same way I do, and I understand that. That's okay by me. I'm just scared that my feelings are pressing him to try to change himself. I don't know how to do this. I don't know what's just being myself and what's pushing boundaries. I'm really scared that I've made a mistake by starting a relationship with him. I'm scared I've been too greedy and ruined an amazing friendship.

(It's okay, we forget stuff I say all the time)

When we hear, "I didn't intend it [to be romantic], but I'm glad you're happy!", it says to me that this person is taking delight in accidentally sparking your joy. Talking about living together, raising children - that's long-term commitment kind of talk.

As an anxious person, it can be overwhelming to be direct, to ask for what we need, and to see through the fog. It really sounds like you'd benefit from asking what your QPP thinks about these doubts you're having. Because this is serious, and you both deserve to be on the same page about the relationship. If verbalizing these thoughts is too difficult, try writing them out. Having a script to look at when your mind goes blank is always a plus. Something I've seen help many people, is to have the other person turn their back to you, or y'all go back to back to talk.

Since y'all're both new to these types of relationships, I would recommend for y'all to do some reading on QPRs. See how a myriad of others have molded their relationship(s). It always helps to hear the stories of, and learn from those before you. Representation truly is a powerful thing.

Wishing you all the love and courage - you can do this!

[queer-confessional]

Geniunly asking : but how do you hold on on time like these ? How do you cope with the political climate and the state of the world ?

I'm 2006 and I hrew up with the idea the planet was diying and that my generation had to "fix" the world. Then I was thought about immigrations and WWII, again with the idea that I should je in the right side of history, that the awfull situation of immigrants was my burden to fix... That it would be my job too to make sure nazism and fascisme never come back.

And now I'm an adult and I don't know what to do. I feel so guilty and scared to see my peers get their right taken one by one and I know my turn is coming Quick. I'm terrified to see what is happening in USA with ICE and what happen in Congo currently (my parents come from Congo, they're the first génération immigrants and I have familly there, so it's my first source of worry) and everywhere else and in Europe too, were I love

Like this is scary. This is scary to be queer and a person of color and questionning my gender and be assigned and percieved as a woman and chronically ill but also having hyperandrogenism. And it hurt to know I can't fix every issue singlehandedly.

I'm afraid I might be unauthorized to take part in sport competition because of more normalised it became to mesure woman's horomonal level, even tho my anemia and suuvial thought are getting better and that I eel like I could go back to martial art soon, and I'm even more afraid for trans folk or more vosibly intersex folk more affected by those initiative.

Chat how do I cope with that ?

This is terrifying! We understand this in a very personal way, anon ( ⁠˘⁠_⁠˘⁠) And what I'm hearing from you, is that you're very overwhelmed by the State Of The World, to the point of panic attacks and extreme guilt. Which, sadly, is not uncommon. It also doesn't help anyone, especially yourself, to fall into these spirals - we have to be able to take care of ourselves before we can meaningfully help others, love. And we know that that's hard to do, and a hard truth to look at! But that's also the beauty of it. No one person can truly enact substantial change, not even the people who believe that we should die because of who we are/what we look like!!

Let's focus on what you can reasonably do, okay? First, when you notice you're beginning to go down these anxiety spirals, take a break to do some slow breathing. Do your best to ground yourself. There's also a long list of 'calm down' and/or 'safe' activities (can elaborate) to give more structure to our 'simmer down' time. Now that we're not feeling panicky, it'll be easier to narrow our focus on what *can* be done.

I semi-recently read a piece (do not recall the source) regarding not losing ourselves, or our sanity, during times like these. It quoted previous civil rights leaders' bodies of work. We aren't going to give the full version, so here's it simplified into some main goals, ideals, and actions (with a sprinkle of 3 grandma's worth of advise), in no particular order:

• Create a community for one's self! This can be friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, fellow church goers, etc., who at least know who you are. This bit is more important than most folks realize. It's a 'people help people, who help people, who help more people' kind of thing. For example: my relationship with a cashier at my local grocery store is mostly just saying, "hey, how you doin' bud?" and, "have a good day/night, see ya next time!". We don't talk much, but he always helps me when I have too many groceries to carry comfortably, and I make sure he has "red cards" -- a business card with one's rights stated, in case of immigration -- and water at work. It's not much, but he's still my community.

• Look into local and community resources - either to use, volunteer at, or donate to. While helping you access some great aid and education, it can also be beneficial towards building community. We've found that mutual aid helps quiet down those spirals of, "I have to do it all! I have to be on the *right side* of history and sacrifice myself to help everyone!". Doing what I can for the local unhoused folks, feels better, and goes farther, than solely donating x amount of money to a charity online. John, who lives at the local bus station, cries each time we speak, and I treat him like an actual human being. Each time I bring him clothes, or home cooked food, or cash for beer and cannabis, he hugs me like I'm the only person in the world to him.

• Reading (or watching) about the histories of prominent leaders of change worldwide, can really help one's mindset. Learning about the struggles these people faced, and how they overcame (or didn't) said struggles, can help us give structure to ideas on how to conduct ourselves. On how to better aid the people we reasonably can, and how to keep ourself from falling to despair.

• Lastly. Remind yourself that you are one, single person. You are not meant to hold the world on your back, love. You might be strong, but you *do not have to do these things alone*, please know that. There are so many people who love you, who would help you reach your goals, you just have to find all of them. There are things you can do to help that don't require such deep sacrifices - we started this blog, as part of one of the realistic ways we felt we could best help our community. And I'm so honored to hear how much we've helped ya'll.

We're so sorry that you feel so trapped. I want so badly to promise you that it won't be like this forever, that we'll all get to live freely and be accepted and celebrated for who we are as people. But I will not lie to you. This fight is hard, it is often thankless and painful...however, I will stop fighting this fight when I'm cold and dead, and I am here to hold your hand when it becomes too much. I love you, please take care of yourself <3

[queer-confessional]

We have located the source referenced in my reply o7 link is below

https://www.threads.com/@stephanielaflora/post/DTgAZQwETgZ

https://scriptbreakers.substack.com/p/the-psychological-impact-of-authoritarianism

Truly hope that this info helps everyone that needs it.

[queer-confessional]

I’m a he/they

I was born a man but I don’t really consider myself fully that Idk it’s weird but I feel guilty like I’m just slapping a they onto my birth gender and I’m not actually non binary.

Been considering going full they/them but being called a be doesn’t really bother me too much and I don’t wanna cause friction with my family.

Idk I just feel like a poser

Imposter Syndrome can feel so all encompassing and heavy to carry, just know that actual posers aren't worried that they're being posers. The real posers are the ones who tell you you 'aren't allowed' to identify a certain way, that you 'need dysphoria' to be trans, but only you get to define who you are.

Gender is one of those things where it's never the same way twice, like how snowflakes and magma-based rocks form. There are as many different genders as there are people in this world - because no one has the exact same definition of their inner world, it's that much more unfortunate that we seem to have this inherent need to categorize ourselves and punish those that don't. I'm sorry that your family wouldn't react all that well to you coming out, that sucks in such a deep way.

You're allowed to use whatever words you want to define yourself, including not using any at all! There's not right way to be trans, love. And the only wrong way, is to tear or punch down on the community. Again, I cannot stress just how badly Imposter Syndrome can mess with your head.

[queer-confessional]

Tw for the f slur. Like a lot.

AITA for asking my friend to stop calling me a faggot even though she's trans and bisexual.

So my friend, lets call her Nancy, is a trans woman. She uses she/they pronouns. I've noticed her being a bit weird about gay people that are a bit more over the top, which hurts my feelings because I can be over the top. (I'm transmasc. He/they/it/star btw) She's always played into being respectful so that the bigots don't come after them more.

She's always been a bit of an ass. I've overlooked it because she's gotten me out of some binds in the past. Shes said I dress like a faggot, and when I talk about certain male characters she whispers "faggot" in like a crescendo so it gets louder as it goes. I sort of overlooked it, but she throws the F slur around a lot. (They're also a serial ragebaiter so I have a hard time telling when she's serious sometimes)

Anyways one night I checked the discord and they're bashing neopronouns. (Like as a group,but Nancy is saying most of it.) I use neos, but she doesn't know that. And I defended them as a concept. She called the concept of neopronouns "narcissistic", "stupid" among other things. She also said "at this point they're just nouns" which I don't actually mind because I thought it was funny but it should be mentioned.

Anyways, the next morning, after I slept on it, I told them that if they called me that again, I'd tell a teacher. She freaked out and asked me "why are you acting so gay about this" and I explained that I didn't like how she talks about other gay people who are slightly more weird than her, that they push down a lot of the GSA kids, that I am both a weird gay, and a GSA kid, and I wasn't super comfortable with it anymore. (I've also overheard them making fun of trans people who "don't make an effort" which I didn't bring up because technically I was eavesdropping. But I still wear makeup so I also fit that category)

She freaked out and sent it to the group. They were mostly on my side, (and I know shes a dick for that I just need to mention it to move on)

She acted like I was doing it because she "Wasn't gay enough" (and they still maintain this idek why) and conveniently left out the part where I said that it was because they've been a bit homophobic, for lack of a better term. She said something about me letting "Rick" call me that. (Rick is bisexual. He did not like getting dragged into this) The difference between Nancy and Rick is because Rick has only called me a faggot a few times. Like maybe 5 or 6 in the 1. 5 years I've been hanging out with him. He mostly just calls himself that. Or the group. As in "were all faggots".

Things got a bit out of hand. She came back into my DMS and said some things that kind of hurt my feelings. I said I didn't want to discuss it right now, which i admit was kind of a dick move, but this had been going for so long it was dark outside and I was exhausted. (We went from noon until like 3 in the afternoon, then I said I had to go to Walmart just to get a break, and then it picked back up at around 5) I can't argue for long it. Nancy can because they argue for fun. But I don't like to.

I told her she was being a bad friend. And they said that she didn't view me as a friend anyway.

It's been 3 weeks. She calls me kindling instead now which pisses me off even more for some reason.

But the friendgroup is sort of treating it like we were both in the wrong so we should just go back to how things were. Idk looking back we could've both been in the wrong. I don't think I was perfect but I do think Nancy was pretty mean.

Is anon an asshole for calling out his trans & bisexual friend for refusing to stop calling them a faggot?

Yes, they're The Asshole

Nobody Sucks Here

No, star isn't The Asshole

Everybody Sucks Here

Voting ended onMar 20

As usual, please vote first before reading my opinion!

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Oh honey...she is no friend to you. Friends don't disregard the boundaries of, and consistently disrespect, their friends. Respectability politics will never help anyone, from *any* marginalized community. We don't need to censor and police who we are and how we express ourselves/our individuality, just so people who want us dead will *maybe, potentially* feel less disgusted being in the same room as us.

Nancy has a lot of learning and maturing to do if she's going to be any kind of positive contribution to...well, anyone. Especially and including themself!

If you like make-up, wear make-up! We've never understood the "wearing make-up is for Girls Only" thing - it's all just pressed pigments to do art with, same thing as tattoos, but significantly more temporary.

Being a bisexual trans femme does not, in any way, shape, or form, negate the harm she's doing not only to you, but to y'all's respective communities. Being Queer doesn't mean one is immediately immune from being a bigot, and or having harmful internalized prejudices that they often enact on others. Being made to wonder if your friend is being an asshole for asshole reasons, or if she's being an ass recreationally, is a very large red flag.

You're extra upset at being called 'kindling' vs. faggot, because it's exponentially as disrespectful to not only continue to call you the historical definition of faggot, but to also specifically call to mind horrific hate-crime-murders of our communities throughout the decades at the same time is...Well, let's just say that if Nancy won't respect you saying no, then I'd think very hard on if you truly want someone like this in your life.

Also, a classic move for assholes and bigots everywhere (conscious behavior or not), is to self-victimise once caught and called out for poor/harmful behaviors. In my decades, I've seen this proven over and over and over again. Pointing out a friend's internalized prejudices that are actively harmful [to you], should not result in an hours long tantrum. From context, it sounds like y'all're in middle or high school, so I will also say that these are the ages where us humans are extremely cringe, and tend to severely act out. *However*, you are under no obligations to keep them in your life if her behavior is harmful to you. Shunning her for your own peace, is not a bad thing. We have to take care of ourselves first, lovey, and not letting people walk over us is an incredibly important foundation for self-care.

[queer-confessional]

Would y'all want an explanation for each time I end up not posting according to the stated schedule?

Yes

Indifferent

No

Voting ended onMar 25

Can't promise in depth details - Internet privacy is a very important thing to practice, especially now - but I'll let y'all know the short version of what was preventing me from answering <3

[queer-confessional]

I'm nonbinary and not out to most of the people in my life. I thought I didn't mind feminine terms since I generally dont have much dysphoria, but lately I feel like there's been an increase in people calling me a woman and it's been making me surprisingly uncomfortable. I don't want to have to deal with all the drama and conversations that come from coming out, so I've decided it's fine, it's whatever, but... I'm not a woman. Call me a girl, she/her me, whatever, I don't care. But I'm NOT a woman. It implies a level of both femininity and sexuality that I'm very uncomfortable with. (I'm also aroace and sex-repulsed.)

Anyway. Yeah. I'm just kinda sick of it. At least most of my friends use neutral terms for me.

I'm so glad that you have people in your life supporting you through this transitional period. This stuff is hard, and awkward, and just generally a pain in the ass! Discovering, recognizing, protecting, and allowing your unadulterated self to grow and flourish - these are some of the most precious expressions of individuality we have.

It really sucks that you're going through this. No one deserves to be so invalidated and disrespected, to the out and proud, all the way to the not ready to come out yet. You deserve to find your way through this path without pain. Vent as much as you need to, we'll be here.

[queer-confessional]

Geniunly asking : but how do you hold on on time like these ? How do you cope with the political climate and the state of the world ?

I'm 2006 and I hrew up with the idea the planet was diying and that my generation had to "fix" the world. Then I was thought about immigrations and WWII, again with the idea that I should je in the right side of history, that the awfull situation of immigrants was my burden to fix... That it would be my job too to make sure nazism and fascisme never come back.

And now I'm an adult and I don't know what to do. I feel so guilty and scared to see my peers get their right taken one by one and I know my turn is coming Quick. I'm terrified to see what is happening in USA with ICE and what happen in Congo currently (my parents come from Congo, they're the first génération immigrants and I have familly there, so it's my first source of worry) and everywhere else and in Europe too, were I love

Like this is scary. This is scary to be queer and a person of color and questionning my gender and be assigned and percieved as a woman and chronically ill but also having hyperandrogenism. And it hurt to know I can't fix every issue singlehandedly.

I'm afraid I might be unauthorized to take part in sport competition because of more normalised it became to mesure woman's horomonal level, even tho my anemia and suuvial thought are getting better and that I eel like I could go back to martial art soon, and I'm even more afraid for trans folk or more vosibly intersex folk more affected by those initiative.

Chat how do I cope with that ?

This is terrifying! We understand this in a very personal way, anon ( ⁠˘⁠_⁠˘⁠) And what I'm hearing from you, is that you're very overwhelmed by the State Of The World, to the point of panic attacks and extreme guilt. Which, sadly, is not uncommon. It also doesn't help anyone, especially yourself, to fall into these spirals - we have to be able to take care of ourselves before we can meaningfully help others, love. And we know that that's hard to do, and a hard truth to look at! But that's also the beauty of it. No one person can truly enact substantial change, not even the people who believe that we should die because of who we are/what we look like!!

Let's focus on what you can reasonably do, okay? First, when you notice you're beginning to go down these anxiety spirals, take a break to do some slow breathing. Do your best to ground yourself. There's also a long list of 'calm down' and/or 'safe' activities (can elaborate) to give more structure to our 'simmer down' time. Now that we're not feeling panicky, it'll be easier to narrow our focus on what *can* be done.

I semi-recently read a piece (do not recall the source) regarding not losing ourselves, or our sanity, during times like these. It quoted previous civil rights leaders' bodies of work. We aren't going to give the full version, so here's it simplified into some main goals, ideals, and actions (with a sprinkle of 3 grandma's worth of advise), in no particular order:

• Create a community for one's self! This can be friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, fellow church goers, etc., who at least know who you are. This bit is more important than most folks realize. It's a 'people help people, who help people, who help more people' kind of thing. For example: my relationship with a cashier at my local grocery store is mostly just saying, "hey, how you doin' bud?" and, "have a good day/night, see ya next time!". We don't talk much, but he always helps me when I have too many groceries to carry comfortably, and I make sure he has "red cards" -- a business card with one's rights stated, in case of immigration -- and water at work. It's not much, but he's still my community.

• Look into local and community resources - either to use, volunteer at, or donate to. While helping you access some great aid and education, it can also be beneficial towards building community. We've found that mutual aid helps quiet down those spirals of, "I have to do it all! I have to be on the *right side* of history and sacrifice myself to help everyone!". Doing what I can for the local unhoused folks, feels better, and goes farther, than solely donating x amount of money to a charity online. John, who lives at the local bus station, cries each time we speak, and I treat him like an actual human being. Each time I bring him clothes, or home cooked food, or cash for beer and cannabis, he hugs me like I'm the only person in the world to him.

• Reading (or watching) about the histories of prominent leaders of change worldwide, can really help one's mindset. Learning about the struggles these people faced, and how they overcame (or didn't) said struggles, can help us give structure to ideas on how to conduct ourselves. On how to better aid the people we reasonably can, and how to keep ourself from falling to despair.

• Lastly. Remind yourself that you are one, single person. You are not meant to hold the world on your back, love. You might be strong, but you *do not have to do these things alone*, please know that. There are so many people who love you, who would help you reach your goals, you just have to find all of them. There are things you can do to help that don't require such deep sacrifices - we started this blog, as part of one of the realistic ways we felt we could best help our community. And I'm so honored to hear how much we've helped ya'll.

We're so sorry that you feel so trapped. I want so badly to promise you that it won't be like this forever, that we'll all get to live freely and be accepted and celebrated for who we are as people. But I will not lie to you. This fight is hard, it is often thankless and painful...however, I will stop fighting this fight when I'm cold and dead, and I am here to hold your hand when it becomes too much. I love you, please take care of yourself <3

[queer-confessional]

You guys are okay with nsfw posts right

I am finally looking at all the bottom surgery options (ftm) and fuuuck do I want a lil penis to fuck people with

That sounds so affirming I need it so bad I’m gonna ask my providers about it asap

Yeah, go for it!

That's awesome, bud! I hope your path to getting a penis is smooth, your recovery short, and that fucking people with a penis is everything you wanted and more <3

[queer-confessional]

I recently started dating a friend of mine who is aroace. It's weird territory for both of us. I've never dated an aromatic person and they've never dated, well, at all. We've agreed to take things slow, and I'm really trying. The core issue I guess is that my partner keeps saying he's scared he's not offering enough. Being aro, he doesn't feel the same feelings I do. But me, I'm scared I'm too much. I love very loudly and openly. I'm scared I'll push too far and break this. This whole relationship dynamic feels delicate. It's not like it's a burden, I don't feel trapped. It's more like a piece of art I'm trying to make. I have to be careful and slow so I don't smudge anything. I'm just not sure I'm a talented enough artist in this case. And another thing, I don't even know what the finished painting will look like. We fantasize about our future together all the time, but I can't tell what's a real future plan and what's just daydreaming. I don't know how to have these kinds of conversations, how to ask what's too much and what's good without the conversation itself becoming too much. I want to just live in the moment. I just worry that I won't see the mistakes I might be making until the moment is over.

Your fears are valid here. In fact, I think these are fairly universal fears, with regards to relationships. We just love the art metaphor you used, it's so poignant! It's wonderful that ya'll're so determined to make this work, and I'm rooting for ya'll.

Sometimes, these conversations are too much. But they still need to be had. I would suggest both of ya'll writing out an outline of what ya'll want this conversation to look like. It'll give you both a good idea of how to start, and can lend some much needed structure once the anxiety hits. To me, it sounds like ya'll really enjoy each other, but become shy and anxious about having more serious conversations, which is more common than you'd think. However, it's still incredibly important to take those deep breathes, count to 5, and just dive in. It's scary, putting faith in someone else to catch you. But it's so rewarding when you find someone who catches you, time and again. Someone who rewards the faith you give them.

The only ones who need to define ya'll's relationship, is ya'll, but you do have to define it. I recommend doing this repeatedly throughout the relationship as well - little check-ins, like taking the temperature of the relationship!

[queer-confessional]

My lil' broh used to he/him me because french is hard and he didn't find the "right", pronouns. I never corrected him so to him I'm a girl who's find with getting he/himed wich is fun. He also seem to be as confused by my gender than I am (calling me his brother and/or his sister).

At some point I was worried that it might worsen his struggle with french (using he/him for everything (in french almost every word is gendered and yes, misgendering a washing machine is an issue/j) — something he still struggle a bit with) but I don't think it make the problem that bad, he don't systematically he/him me anymore, he understood that I just don't care.

Just so I'm understanding correctly here....your brother uses he/him for you, when you are Unspecified Gender, and struggled with finding what [pronouns] to call you, correct?

As someone who's multi-gender, and familiar with Spanish, I totally understand the "everything is gendered" bit! There's been an interesting language shift over the past decade, where instead of using "-o" or "-a" to denote gender, people have been using "-e" to be a non-gendered alternative. Is there something like that in French? I read that there's been quite a bit of language evolution in the past decade or so for ya'll as well!

I'm glad you and your brother came to an understanding about the pronouns <3 it's wonderful when families learn and grow together.

[queer-confessional]

im goin to kill my dorm roommate. like literally murder with my bear hands!!!!! loathe aint a good enough work for how i feel about this absolute piece of shit!!!!!!!!!!

I'm bumping this to the top of the queue, for obvious reasons. I am seriously urging you to NOT lay hands on this person. Do not use tools to harm this person. They are not worth your sanity and freedom! I have been to jail, several times, it's horrific. I know more than a few people who've been locked up, for some serious time, and they are deeply scarred from that time. You will be forever changed, to go through this. I understand this anger you're feeling, how it can feel so overwhelming Right. But I swear to you, on my father's grave, that the consequences are just. not. worth. it.

This will pass, I promise. It'll hurt like nothing else, and you'll have to be strong, but it will pass. You can be stronger than yourself, I believe in you, and you don't deserve to experience the atrocities happening in jails and prisons.