i am not a faker: how i know i’m not making all this up. probably. | 03.05.18
I remember once, a few months ago, on the bus ride to school, I was thinking about gender. I remember thinking something along the lines of, “It would be cool to be nonbinary, that would be a nice thing to be, I wish I could be nonbinary” and reflected on it, briefly, but I concluded that yes, I was 100% cis. Ha. If I wanted to be nonbinary back before the gender crisis started, that must mean something.
3 of my best friends are girls. We have ‘girls’ nights’ a lot, and they are so much fun! But for a really long time, I’ve always felt left out, somehow, and for so long, I had no idea why. I thought I was just weird. I chalked it up to us having different interests; they always talk about skincare, and hair, and about other girls at school that I don’t know, just to name a select few examples. I have never had a problem with any of the stuff they’re interested in/they talk about, because why would I? There’s no reason to. But I always feel alienated from them. For a long time, I thought it was just because I’m not a feminine girl, or because I’m gay. I convinced myself that was it, but it never really justified how other I felt from them. I know now it’s because I am, in fact, not a girl at all, and it feels so good to finally have an explanation for something that made me feel so horrible. I know I’m not cis because this particular experience showed me that I was different in a very fundamental way from girls before I even considered I might not be one, so I couldn’t have made it up.
In January, I got these Sens pajamas from Walmart, because they were on sale. I didn’t think much of it, but when I put them on, I was so happy, you have no idea. They’re men’s pajamas, or at least they look like it. Something I never noticed about women’s pajamas was the waistbands; they almost always have a drawstring or something. These pajamas have no drawstring and the waistband is just. Gray. You can see the black seams. I have no idea how to describe it, but it felt so masculine, which was such a CHANGE and I felt euphoric. It makes sense now, why I felt that way. I’m wearing them right now, and I still love them to death.
This is kinda a mess and these are just a limited amount of examples, but I really do have to sleep now, but I needed to get this out, and it’ll be something I read when I feel down about gender stuff. Peace out buds.
