Why is coming out so hard? | 06.15.19
In the past year, I’ve wondered whether I’m really nonbinary. But I just read a book (I Wish You All The Best by Mason Deaver) and it really solidified how I feel. I haven’t really thought about my gender much for many reasons, namely:
I just Do Not have the time to be thinking about it constantly
My close friends call me by my name and pronouns; I’m too afraid to tell anyone else
I don’t know, it’s just less *present* in my mind when I’m not actively thinking about it, it’s hard to explain...
But now that I’m thinking about it again, it’s difficult to not think about how right it feels compared to being a girl. But, it’s so hard. I think part of the reason I’ve been avoiding thinking about it is because it’s easier. It’s weird to be nonbinary; no matter how accepting the internet or my friends are, on the whole, most of the people in my life wouldn’t really get it, even if they tried to be respectful. I would just feel constantly self-conscious, if I were out. I don’t like having attention on me, I don’t like people having to be careful around me; that would be my reality. But I want it so badly. And also I just changed my name again, to Blue. And I told my internet friends and they’re great, but I’m fucking terrified to tell my IRLs. I know they would be so accepting, but it’s just a Weird Name. I love it, but it’s weird. And I’m scared of what they’ll think. I just hate caring about what people will think.
I’ve considered being more ‘out’ at school, at least, but the more people know, the more likely it is that it’ll get back to my parents. Like, if I came out to the general school population, my instagram would still have to be my deadname because my mom and family follow me. And I’m so scared to come out to my family.
I know for a fact I wouldn’t get kicked out. My parents wouldn’t react badly, per se, but they wouldn’t react well. They would think I was weird, and probably a phase. It’s so outside of their realm of knowledge and comfort. I don’t think they would ever get used to ‘they’ pronouns, and don’t even get me started on my extended family.
I just hate being so embarrassed by my identity. I feel like I’ve internalized so much hate about how being NB is cringey, and now I can’t get past it. One of my friends is a trans guy and he used to identify as agender and used they/them pronouns and not a lot of people respected his pronouns. I don’t want that to happen to me, I don’t want to have to fight to be respected. It’s so exhausting.
I think the root of the problem is that I hate explaining my identity to people. I know I’m going to have to one day, and I know it’s usually not someone’s fault if they’re just not educated, but I really hate it. I hate that I have to explain to people how to refer to me and correct them and teach them and navigate their delicate, bigoted sensibilities. I just hate it.
Anyway. I think there’s one other IRL person who I feel comfortable coming out to and I might start with him. Maybe next year will be different.