Discover Top Posts Tagged with #nothing gets better

Guess who got rejected for my second half of hrt and will be abusing drugs until I overdose because there's no point in being alive at all!

#nothing gets better #it only gets worse

I'm sad.

I hate it

I hate everything.

#chaos journal #nothing gets better

#It was naive of me to think that a week long break would magically solve all of my unexpected problems #nothing is solved #nothing gets better #but at the same time if I don’t pick up my pace back at reasonable rate I would turn off the only outlet I have left #and god knows when I would be able to get it back #I’ll try to get my shit together at least in that department #but it’s more of a hope than an actual promise #if I disappear for a while again - it’s probably because I need more time still

I’ve spent the whole day on the verge of a panic attack I just want it to stop

#things are going so badly #nothing gets better

I want to help myself but it doesn't get better..

#emotions #too young for this shit #too much #painful #regret #pasttime #heartbreak #heartburn #broken #nothing gets better #dont want remember #dont want to think #dont want to be me #idontwannabeyouanymore

i’m just tired y’all.

#ooc.#im so tired of ppl being stepped on for making poc characters #im so tired that this is still going on and how it just comes in waves #nothing gets better #let us have some gd diversity in the characters we play #the way we want to play them #maybe so we feel a gd connection with our heritage #or maybe we want to share a part of ourselves through these characters #idk man im just tired and cynical about all of this by now #im not even surprised it's happening again #and it's always going to keep happening #but good on everyone who keeps fighting #who keeps trying to make sure our voices are heard #i see you all

Number two please?//2. “Stop this. You’re just hurting yourself.”

Sirius’ head hurt.

His head and his hands and the rest of his body, aching in pounding, vicious waves. He wanted to scream but there was no air, wanted to choke but he was drowning and all he could do was slam his fists against the wall, again and again and again.

He was too young. The though repeated in his head like a prayer, to whatever cruel God lay up there because this was not goodness. This was not mercy. This was punishment.

He knew his hands were bleeding, could see the streaks that they made on the hard brick wall, and he was pretty sure he was about to break a finger but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Again and again and again, his heartbeat pounding in his throat and his body screaming. He was too young.

“You might be able to carve a new corridor, soon.” Sirius glanced up, where Remus leaned against the stairwell, his hair a frizzy mess around his head. The light from the shutters hit him in slanted rays, making him look like he was carved of glass, the scars glowing like silver inlayed in his skin. He was beautiful and glorious and sometimes it was only the thought of Remus that made Sirius get out of bed in the morning.

“I’m working on it.” He almost cringed at the sound of his own voice, low and rough and vicious, sounding like a devil had forced its way into his body. “Pound my way to hell. They’ll be happy to have me early, don’t you think?”

Remus was off the banister in an instant, standing in front of Sirius, his eyes golden in the dimness of the room. “You’re not going to hell, Sirius.”

Sirius laughed, the sound sharp and acerbic, like the broken pieces shattering inside of his chest. “Oh really? All the things I’ve done, all the things that have been shattered inside of me and to top it off, I can’t...I can’t even...”

Remus’ voice was quiet, but firm. “Regulus’ Death was not your fault, Sirius.”

“Isn’t it?” Sirius spat. He whirled, slamming his fists into the wall again. “I was supposed to protect him. Fuck, I tried, I tried for so long and I thought that maybe it would be enough, for me to live my own life. Maybe I had a chance at redemption or forgiveness or whatever shit you want to call it, maybe I had given enough.” He laughed, bitterly. “Of course. It’s never enough. I give and give and give until I think I might bleed out from it and it’s still never enough. The world keeps taking and taking and it’ll drain me dry and no one will care.”

Hurt dances over Remus’ face but he doesn’t say anything and Sirius loves him even more for it. He kicks the ground, shaking blood from his torn fingers into the floor, Remus’ presence at his side reassuring. “And I just left. I fucking left. I ran away and left him to deal with another and Father and God they would have taken it out on him, just to get back at me. He pretty much told me himself. ‘What was I but some puppet to get back at you?’ And I know my mother, she would have torn him to shreds, my father too - “

He was hyperventilating, the panic and pain and despair pouring off him in waves. With a snarl he whirled, about to punch the wall again when he felt a cool hand wrap around his wrist. “Stop this.” Remus said. “You’re just hurting yourself.”

It was like the fight evaporated off him in an instant. Silently, Sirius collapsed, his legs giving out from underneath him. He expected Remus to grab him, to help him stand upright but instead Remus sank down onto the floor with him, wrapping his arms around Sirius. He knew he was shaking, trembling, really, his muscles clenched and rigid. Remus brushed his hair off from his face. “Shhh. It’s okay.”

“I left him,” Sirius whispered brokenly, and Remus closed his eyes. “Nothing I can say will heal it completely,” he murmured. “The pain will stay with you for the rest of your life.”

“I don’t want the pain,” Sirius spat bitterly. “God. I was my mother’s fucking whipping boy for 16 years of my life. I’ve had fucking unforgivable curses put on me and I thought it was over. Why can’t it be over?”

He knew he was rambling but he didn’t care. Remus swallowed, hard; Sirius stared up at the delicate veins tracing his throat. “What can I do, Sirius. Tell me.”

“I don’t know,” he whispered back browknly. “I don’t know anymore.”

Remus’ hands settled on his shoulders and then he was kissing him, softly, more a brush of lips and a promise then anything. I promise I’ll stay with you. I promise I’ll always believe you. I promise I’ll never let you go.

“It gets better,” Remus said. “It gets better from here.”

Sirius just closed his eyes. “God. I hope so.”