#numbedout

[bluetypes]

They drink They cheer And they say It's a day to celebrate With loved ones I am disconnected Unwanting to 'celebrate' Another year passing with triggers Another year passing with flashbacks Another year lived in fear Being numb is bearable It's the realization, That you used to be able to feel And they still feel every day And you just don't Feel Anything Ever.

[bluetypes]

Numbed out

I still can’t feel emotion

I searched for weeks now

My brain stutters

Their glances brew gossip in my mind

It’s almost reassuring

Like a lover’s caress

When I blackout

When I relapse

Horror plays with my subconscious

No one can see my scars

They seem invisible 

They’ll judge and pry

Shut down

Your brain warns you to cover it

My cover 

Gets thinner

Every single time

I wonder when they’ll catch me

Save me

And call for medical help

I won’t even try

To say I’m okay

I need help

It’s not improving..

[threefortyone-blog]

I've numbed myself to emotion so well, all I can feel is physical. I crave the physical feelings to make up for what I lack emotionally, I reach for the escape. I use others to get through it. There's no way back now. For when he closed that door. My corridor turned into a blackhole. No one can enter my abyss. It's beyond the point of return They say I'm better now That last time it was worse. No. I've just learnt how to pretend How to look like I'm coping How to fake stronger walls Even when my world goes up in flames. I look fine on the surface Like a porcelain doll. Placid as ever. No one knows when I freeze where I go, but it's a place you can feel nothing at all. And it seems far more familiar than reality..