#3 of 4 in this @probablyvampirerpgideas series. Why? WHY NOT!
Want different insults? SEND SOME IN, YO!
Today’s bag of mixed anachronisms coined by @nuttersincorporated
[image description: a red card on a tan cloth background, with “You are an unrighteous, bastardly gullion. heaven truly knows that thou art false as hell. When you die, I will face God and walk backwards into hell just so that i can beat your ass in the afterlife, too” written on it in loopy modern cursive in white ink]
Interested in owning one of these ridiculous pieces of questionable art? $3, with US shipping included (ie, I will slap it into an envelope, put a stamp on it, and mail it), $4 for non-us addresses. Just slide into my DMs or hit me up on PayPal, tell me which one you want, and include your address.
I’ve just read your It Devours! liveblog. What if the book takes place in one of the other Night Vale’s that all fell into each other when Huntokar tried to save her own Night Vale? It would explain the inconsistences with the podcast
I wondered this myself! The timing does work out, since it’s set before the end of year five. There’s just two problems:
1) There are no other hints that this is an AU besides the inconsistencies, which is frustrating and conflicts with Finknor trying to make the novel accessible to new audiences
2) There’s no payoff for it? Literally nothing in It Devours! is changed by it being in an AU (the characters and basic set up of Night Vale are identical) and none of the current episodes of WTNV are affected by it either. I suppose they could be building up to something, but that’s a weirdly long time to wait for a resolution. Like, when they tied in with the last novel, the episode came out before the book.
So either they didn’t care about being consistent with canon, or they didn’t care about making it clear it was an AU and have it tie in with the plot in a meaningful way. Neither of which is really satisfying, lol.
nuttersincorporated reblogged your post and added:
Okay, while this makes a lot of good points I disagree about that last one. I think if you’d asked Neville at any point which teacher frightened him most, he’d always say Snape.
McGonagall was tough but fair and never singled Neville out in class to be laughed at by the other students. Yes, he was intimidated by her but not in the same way he was scared of Snape. She’d tell him off, dock him points and give him detention but she didn’t bully him or threaten him.
Also, there’s no why Neville’s grandma didn’t tell him everything about his parents straight away. Yes, it’s very telling that he didn’t want the bogart to turn into her. From what we know about her, she would have told him very early and in excruciating detail about his parents. She was the sort of woman to say things like, “Your parents were tortured into insanity because they were powerful and good. You can’t even do simple magic. If they still had their sanity, they’d be disappointed that you’re not trying harder.”
so i dont want to reblog that entire post again but i do want to say that mcgonagall literally abandons neville to a potential mass murderer bc she’s irritated he wrote down passwords...... so like neville might be more scared of snape than her but i’d disagree that she necessarily treats him that much better.
and like we really dont know that much about augusta, but even if neville knows that his parents aren’t there or are in the hospital, we don’t know for sure that neville knows a whole lot of detail about their torture (e.g. the kind of detail that would make it a real/terrifying experience for him instead of something that is just... normal in his world?) you know, like it’s one thing to know your parents were tortured to madness, but for neville to actually be afraid of it enough to make it a boggart, he would have to have some pretty specific level of detail about what happened. i feel like people are suggesting that bellatrix should be neville’s boggart instead which makes even less sense.... since a) augusta may not have told neville WHO tortured his parents and b) bellatrix is locked up in azkaban? neville’s never even seen her? never met her? (can you even HAVE a boggart of someone you’ve never seen?) even tho she’s the woman who tortured his parents, that doesn’t mean she’s necessarily a real figure to him..... much in the same way that harry doesn’t consider voldemort, the dude who killed his parents, necessarily a real fear, but instead focuses on the dementors, which (at this point) affect his day to day life way more. if that makes sense?
If it helps, the sequel has a gender fluid character who uses he, she and they pronouns.
oh, that’s cool! i mean, i was already interested in reading the sequel, since aside from the gender stuff, i did really like the first book, but if there’s canon nonbinary characters, i’m definitely even more interested.
When the first promo pictures for the new series of Samurai Jack were released half the fandom was going, “there’s no why he’s 50 years older,” and the other half was going, “he’s just aged really well.” I’m glad the trailer for the series addresses how he’s still looking so young.
Sportarobbie prompt: Sportacus and Robbie have a weekly chess game. Robbie taught Sportacus to play. It’s the only sport he’s better at. If Robbie wins, other than saving people, Sportacus has to relax and keep the noise down the next day. If Stoptacus ever wins (he hasn’t yet), he gets to make Robbie’s meals for a week. Robbie started playing chess against Sportacus because it was nice to win at something. Now they both look forward to their games as they let them hang out without being enemies
If anyone recognises the match I’ve used for Robbie and Sportacus’, I salute you.
Looking back at the time they had spent together,Robbie couldn’t exactly point out when he had fallen in love with his nemesis.
It had been a gradual process, starting, he figured,some time before they had begun with what he secretly considered to be the bestthing each week. Today was their twentieth game of chess and Robbie realised hewas fucked.
They had started playing chess because Sportacus hadwalked in on Robbie playing against himself – a game he had been winning,obviously – and had asked what he was doing. After the explanation Robbie hadexpected the elf to leave, but no, Sportacus had wanted to learn it.
Chess.
Sportacus, who could barely sit still for more than aminute without bouncing his leg, wanted to learn a game where matches tended tolast ten minutes, sometimes bordering the hour mark. Hell, Robbie once hadplayed a game that had lasted three hours, a match Sportacus, if he tried tostay still, wouldn’t survive because he’d surely implode due to the lack ofmovement.
Robbie had made it very clear there would be nobouncing, no flipping, no handstands and other ridiculous moves during thegame; Sportacus would have to firmly plant his (arguably very well-formed)behind on the chair and not move for the duration of the match.
He’d expected Sportacus to say no at those terms, butif the hero was good at one thing, it was surprising Robbie.
Sportacus was a fast learner, Robbie had to give himthat, but little could compare to more than two decades of experience and asuperior intellect. Not to mention the first few games Sportacus moved his pieceswithout much consideration, basing decisions on impulse, which naturally led tohis quick demise. Robbie was far more patient.
Over time, he had got better, but nowhere near beatingRobbie.
The villain took insane and immense pleasure inwinning against the elf at a type of sport. So much pleasure, he willinglyagreed to meet up with the hero again the next week, and the week after, andthe weeks after that too.
Somewhere after the tenth game, he had to admit it wasmore than the thrill of being better that made him invite Sportacus over againand again. That still was a lot of fun, but not his main motivation, notanymore. No, he was looking forward to spending time with the elf, away fromthe brats and everyone else, where he could be just himself. Sportacus was muchmore pleasant to be around when he wasn’t flipping all over the place, preachingabout the dangers of sweets and the benefits of eating healthily.
Don’t get him wrong, he still tried to convince Robbieto eat the occasional healthy meal or two. He even brought apples and otherkinds of fruits to snack on during the game, just in case Robbie would cave inif he just kept doing it.
Robbie wasn’t about to do such a thing, but theconstant ‘sneaky’ comments and suggestions had been getting on his nervesenough for him to offer a deal. A bet.
If Robbie won, Sportacus had to keep the noise downand relax unless there was anemergency. If Sportacus won, he’d get to cook meals for Robbie for a week andthe villain would have to eat everything.
Apparently Sportacus’ sense for unfair bets was allbut non-existent, because he had happily agreed. It wasn’t Robbie’s fault Sportacuswas oblivious and couldn’t see through Robbie’s trickery.
No more comments about maybe trying to eat morehealthily during matches. And the chances of Sportacus ever winning were belowone percent.
As far as Robbie was concerned, he’d won the jackpot.
Their deal did not, however, stop Sportacus frombringing fruits with him to eat. Most of the bananas, apples and peaches he atehimself, but the ones he didn’t he left with Robbie who kept them fresh untilthe next game to present them to the hero. It was common sense and basicmanners, he’d tell him but that only made Sportacus’ already ridiculous smilegrow wider into a beam. He certainly hadn’t cleared part of his fridge to storethe fruits so they wouldn’t rot, nor was he doing it so he could see Sportacussmile at him like that.
Who was he even kidding.
Today wasn’t any different from the previous matches.Sportacus arrived at eight o’clock, having pushed his sleeping schedulebackwards a bit to make time for their matches, sticking the landing like theshow-off he was. He thanked Robbie for the fruits, immediately biting into oneof the apples, and gave Robbie one of those smiles that made his heart jumparound more than Sportacus on a good day.
Then they sat down and the match began.
Though it literally was the same as the weeks before,Robbie felt more nervous than he had any reason to be. He kept on sneakingglances at the elf as they set up their individual pieces, Robbie’s white andSportacus’ black. At one point their eyes met; Robbie nearly squeaked and lookedaway with heated cheeks.
Sportacus, if he had noticed, didn’t say anything. Hejust smiled, sitting perfectly still, hands folded in his lap. “Shall we begin?”
Robbie nodded and cleared his throat, hand hoveringabove the board before he moved a pawn to e4. “You and the brats weren’t asnoisy as usual today,” he commented once he set the piece down and leant backagain.
What he had learnt after the fourth or fifth game wasthat Sportacus, when he was concentrating hard, stuck his tongue out betweenhis teeth. Before he had found this sight adorable, but right now it made himfeel hot all over. Sportacus took his time, far from the rash, thoughtless moveshe had made when they started, then moved his pawn to oppose Robbie’s. “Weplayed hide and seek for a few hours. That’s usually more quiet than the othergames.”
“I bet they were hiding in ingenious hideouts such asbehind a tree or in bushes,” Robbie huffed. “Knowing you, you probably let themthink they had found good spots anyway.”
“Why cut their fun short by finding them immediately?”
“So they learn how idiotic their hiding places are.”
Sportacus rolled his eyes with a fond look and Robbiemoved his knight. The elf, in return, moved a pawn one square.
Robbie considered his next move for a few moments,hand on his chin and eyes narrowed in concentration. Unlike Sportacus, whoseforesight reached maybe to the next three moves, Robbie liked to map out theentire match, adjusting it as necessary.
“What were you doing all day?” Sportacus askedcuriously, breaking the silence.
‘Stuffing my face withsweets and staring off into space as I realised I’ve fallen in love with you.’ Robbie thought. Outloud, he said “Lazing about, of course” and shrugged. He picked up one of hispawns and moved it forward to d4.
“Of course,” Sportacus chuckled, moving his Bishopfour squares. “Why did I even ask?”
Robbie shrugged. “Because you were secretly hoping I’vebeen exercising or something, you can admit it.”
“I’m always in awe at how well you know me, Robbie.”
Something about Sportacus’ intonation made Robbieblush. He resolutely stared at the board, not at Sportacus’ face, waiting untilhis blush was gone again before he reached out to capture one of Sportacus’pawns. “You’re easy to read.”
“Am I?”
“Please, your face is an open book.”
From the corner of his eyes, Robbie saw Sportacusshake his head and move a piece, his Bishop, to take Robbie’s knight.
The silence between the two men was amiable,comfortable. The next few moves went by without a word spoken: The White Queencapturing Sportacus’ Bishop, one of the black pawns capturing one of Robbie’s;white Bishop to Bc4, black Knight to Nf6; both Queens being moved, white Knightmoved to Nc3 while Sportacus moved a pawn one square to c6.
Robbie looked up at Sportacus after pushing his Bishopto Bg5, their ninth move. He shamelessly took advantage of the fact Sportacuswas looking at the board in concentration, oblivious to Robbie’s staring.
Most of the time, Sportacus was smiling, a soft faceput on for the children. It was rare that he frowned or looked sad, but Robbiehad seen that too, a handful of times. He’d like to think he was the only onewho had ever seen Sportacus’ current expression. Eyes narrowed, mouth silentlymoving as he went through possible moves in his head, concentrated and focused.It made Robbie wonder how the elf would look like in bed, if he had the samedetermined face when trying to coax noises of pleasure from his partner.
Robbie’s traitorous brain, of course, imagined it washim writhing under the elf’s body, and he was very glad Sportacus couldn’t seehis crotch.
Face red, he turned his head away as Sportacus, aftermoving a pawn two squares, leant back and looked up with a challenge in hiseyes.
One had to give him credit for his optimism and beliefhe could actually win.
“Your turn,” Sportacus said and Robbie rolled hiseyes.
“You don’t say.”
Though he had no clock anywhere in his lair, Robbiecould tell they’ve been sitting here for a while. It still surprised him howSportacus didn’t seem to have any problems with doing nothing; the first fewtimes, the elf had looked like he’d explode any moment because of pent-upenergy. Right now, he didn’t seem bothered. He didn’t look like it pained himeither, no. He looked relaxed, content, the sight doing funny things withRobbie’s stomach.
Robbie cleared his throat nervously and turned his attentionback to the board. He captured a pawn with his Knight, only barely biting downthe grin that threatened to make the corners of his lips twitch up whenSportacus, as predicted, immediately captured it.
“You’ve improved greatly,” he said, anyway, because heloved the way Sportacus would beam proudly when he complimented him.
“Thank you, Robbie!” Sportacus said and there it was,that smile that made Robbie want to take a picture of it and hang it on hiswall so he could see it whenever he needed to.
Robbie looked at him for a few moments, soaking up theview, before he forced himself to stop staring and make his next move. Hecaptured Sportacus’ pawn with his Bishop, simultaneously putting the Black Kingin check. “Check,” he said in case Sportacus hadn’t noticed.
Which the hero apparently had not, because he, themoment Robbie said it, leant forward to look at the board more closely,practically vibrating with adrenaline. How someone could get so excited playingchess was beyond Robbie, but he didn’t complain.
“Not anymore,” Sportacus said after a minute or so ofthinking and moved his Knight to block Robbie’s Bishop. He grinned, so proud ofhimself that Robbie almost considered letting him win.
But only almost. He castled queenside, a delightedsmirk tugging on his lips at Sportacus’ surprised face. Impressing the elfnever failed to make Robbie practically glow.
There would never be a day he wouldn’t soak upSportacus’ praise, verbal or not. “If I were you,” he said in asing-song-voice, “I’d protect my King. Just a suggestion.”
Sportacus hesitated, fingers hovering inches above oneof his pieces, his eyes narrowed at Robbie as if trying to tell whether thevillain was trying to trick him. Then he moved his Rook.
“I’m hurt by your mistrust in my advices,” Robbiesaid, voice laced with mock-hurt. “I would never tell you something for my ownpersonal gain.” Sportacus raised an eyebrow at that. Robbie scowled. “Alright, notwhile playing chess.” The eyebrow wandered higher, nearly disappearing underSportacus’ hat. “Alright, not today!”
Sportacus, seemingly pleased, relaxed his face againand gestured to the board. “Your turn.”
The way he said it made Robbie question whether he wastalking about chess or something else. The moment that thought crossed hismind, Robbie questioned his own sanity.
‘I must bereally desperate.’
Thankful for the distraction of the match they wereplaying, Robbie moved his Rook to capture Sportacus’ Knight, rewardingSportacus with an eye roll as the hero immediately captured his piece with theBlack Rook.
He’d have to scold him later for putting a temporarywin before actually winning the game. No future-oriented thinking whatsoever,Robbie thought, moving his Rook. Face passive, not betraying what he wasthinking, Robbie watched Sportacus move his Queen to Qe6, then leant back tothink.
Sportacus watched him the whole time Robbiecontemplated, sitting perfectly still, arms crossed in front of his chestcomfortably. Robbie nearly jumped out of his skin when Sportacus’ foot suddenlybrushed his own. He blushed, the faint pink turning deep red when Sportacuschuckled. The sound sent shivers down Robbie’s spine.
“If you’re hoping to distract me,” Robbie said, proudof himself because his voice wasn’t trembling or sounding nervous, “then you’dbetter re-think your strategy.” He captured Sportacus’ Rook with his Bishop,putting the King in check.
“I don’t know what you mean,” Sportacus saidinnocently and captured the Bishop with his Knight.
Robbie just hummed. Maybe Sportacus had just stretchedand their foots had brushed by accident – yes, that was most likely it. ‘Way to go’, Robbie thought grimly, ‘interpreting too much into something asinnocent as feet touching.’
He just hoped Sportacus hadn’t noticed. Robbie would diefrom embarrassment if Sportacus called him out on his unrequited crush.
Robbie worried his lower lip between his teeth, a wet pop echoing through the lair as hereleased it again. He moved his Queen, thus putting the Black King in checkagain, and smirked.
Sportacus’ “Hah” nearly made him start giggling inglee, but he managed to swallow down the noise, trying his best not to giveanything away as the elf moved his Knight and captured Robbie’s Queen.
Robbie let Sportacus enjoy his ‘victory’ for a few momentsbefore moving his Rook. “Checkmate.”
The self-satisfied grin dropped from Sportacus’ face.He looked from the board to Robbie and back again with wide, lost eyes.
“How?” He got out. Robbie couldn’t hold back any longerand began laughing so hard his sides started to hurt. His laughter stopped,however, when Sportacus turned the puppy eyes on him. “It’s not nice to laughat other people, Robbie.”
Robbie had the decency to look apologetic. “I’m sorry?It’s just… you looked so sure you were winning… and I could see you weren’t. Itwas funny!” Robbie grinned.
Sportacus shook his head, but was smiling, so Robbiehoped he wasn’t too offended or hurt. The hero slowly got to his feet,stretching his limbs after sitting without doing anything for a while. “Nexttime I’m winning, you’ll see,” he said. “Then you’ll have to eat healthily.”
“Keep thinking that,” Robbie snorted and stood up aswell. He was fully aware Sportacus could find the way himself, but it was partof their ritual for him to accompany the hero to the exit, so he walked himover, hands in his pockets.
There they stood and moments passed. Robbie’sconfusion only grew when Sportacus started grinning with a mischievous sparklein his eyes that made Robbie take a step backwards instinctually, just in case.
Seemingly unbothered, Sportacus stepped closer again,bringing them only inches apart.
Then, he suddenly leant forward, kissed the villain onthe cheek and, with a wink and a “See you next week, Robbie!”, disappeared fromthe lair, leaving the other man frozen in place, his usual white skin tinted brightred.
He stared after the elf and lifted a hand to hischeek, pressing curious fingers against the spot Sportacus had just kissed.
“Did that just happen?” He asked in awe, worried hewould wake up any moment to discover it had just been a dream. Robbie pinchedhimself hard, flinching at the pain. “Not a dream, okay.”
Which meant…
Robbie’s grin could have rivalled the brightness ofthe sun.
With a bounce to his steps, he turned to put the chessboard away again.
