My boyfriend and I are in an open relationship. After a challenging two weeks, I was full on sharing him, tired of dealing with jealousy and getting triggered from our sex with others. I wanted him all to myself. I got a brilliant idea and claimed him as mine!! It was true in our hearts, and so I named it. It's true that i didn't want to deal with other makeouts over his visit to NYC and it's equally true that I love this man and wanted _all_ of his attention. All to myself. This was actually an edgy play for me.
He was a little freaked out but mostly turned on by my request. We agreed to a week of monogamy. I was ready to own him! We were coming up on a NYC coaching weekend with lots of friends. He started canceling his planned makeouts. I felt powerful and was turned on. I cancelled my makeout for Friday night and when I did, my friend Tom said, "Noah is a blessed man." It felt grounded and warm in my heart. It was just him and me.
It was mostly downhill from there.
I picked him up from the airport on Wednesday and the sex was sweet, loving and connected. Thursday was lovely too and then the strangest thing happened. We didn't have sex Friday or Saturday. I noticed a place in myself of feeling comfortable and a little lazy. Like I didn't really want to go to the party we planned on attending Saturday night. Chinese food and a movie on the couch seemed perfect and falling asleep during it was okay too. I thought about wearing my yoga clothes all day to class, like it didn't matter if I looked and felt sexy. This self observation surprised me and thank god I remembered I am responsible for my own turn on!
By Sunday, I could feel him pulling away. We tried talking in the morning before class, but didn't have time to sink in. What we needed was a roll in the sheets and there was no time for that, either. As the day went on, he wasn't attentive or turned on with me the way he always is. It hurt and I directly asked for his attention. I didn't get it and that hurt more. I started creating stories in my head and getting angry. I could feel our connection dissipating. I felt stuck.
I looked over to smile at him during class and just at that moment he looked over and winked. At someone else. I just happened to look up at _that_ moment?! What is going on? I was brewing.
That evening after class, we were ready to talk. We went to the basement to have a fight. We were going to have it out! Except when we got there, it was more about sharing the vulnerabilities of what came up for each of us. Monogamy fucked with both of our heads. Not surprising since we both left long monogamous marriages to pursue sex and relationships with others. After some talking and crying (me), he shares that he does not want to be claimed.
My heart hurts. I knew this.
There was a moment over the weekend when I felt like I was holding him back from his true desires. My body felt heavy and sad with the truth of that feeling. Like he was "mine" the way you'd put a cricket in a jar. The cricket's not going to sing anymore the way you had hoped. You loved its song so much that by capturing it to listen to it all the time, you killed its beauty.
And what I am feeling now is embarrassment and shame. Shame that I was not enough. Sadness in questioning the validiity of our love, that the hypervolatility of our openness is what creates the electricity between us. Is the love real? Shame that I made such a bold request and it flopped. Shame that I couldn't hold monogamy for one short weekend, and how ill-equipped I was in a long term marriage with endless amounts of foundation holes.
Despite all that, there are gifts, too. I am clear that we are both not ready for a relationship of the magnitude that monogamy calls for. We got really fucked up from it. It's all too soon. And yet we love the love we are creating and feeling. We have often shared that the reason we can go so deep with each other is because we also have the freedom to wander and explore.
It is challenging and frustrating sometimes. I don't always want to share him, and yet, I want the freedom to be with someone else when my desire arises. In the meantime, I am learning so much about myself, him, love, connection and desire. How to love another and truly love _all_ the parts of him, even when his desires take him in a direction away from me. To have a love so solid and strong that I can share my deepest vulnerabilities with him and he loves me there, even when I am erratic and messy. To be loved in those messy spots and that he loves me anyway feels like pure magic.
And the crickets sing again
