Hi! I hope you are doing well. I’ve been questioning if I’m aro and your post about how to tell if what I’m experiencing is romantic attraction was really helpful. I only have one issue. I’ve been looking at things that most people think are romantic and I just don’t see any of them as romantic. Is this aromantic or is this something else? Have I just not thought of the right things? Sorry for bothering you with this. I couldn’t think of anyone else to ask. Anyway, thank you for your blog!
Hello, dear anon! Thank you for the ask!
The moment I read your ask, I immediately went “aha! I know what they’re talking about!” I know at least one thing that could be happening, though there would be something else I’m not thinking of, so please don’t get too frustrated if this doesn’t sound right.
The problem you’ve run into is the exact problem I have when I try to think of what I consider to be romantic. I find the idea of dating to be romantic, but what you’re actually doing while dating? A lot of that... hanging out and crap? I just consider it all platonic. The only other thing I can think of is kissing, but that’s much more sensual than romantic in my head.
One label I’ve found to be really helpful is the label quoiromantic. It’s a super vague label and it covers a bunch of different experiences, which I think is pretty cool. “Quoi” is French for “what,” which when you put it with the rest of the label it literally means “whatromantic,” which happens to be another (older) name for the label, along with wtfromantic.
Since I can never remember all the definitions for quoiromantic, I’ve taken this quote from https://aromantic.wikia.org/wiki/Quoiromantic, which by the way is a super helpful site.
“Quoiromantic experiences may include:
Being unsure if you experience romantic attraction or not
Being unable to understand attraction as a concept or feeling
Finding the concept of attraction to be inaccessible, inapplicable, or nonsensical
Being unable to pin down a clear understanding of romantic attraction, so being unable to say whether or not you experience it
Having a difficulty distinguishing romantic attraction from other types of attraction, or being unable to distinguish them at all
Questioning romanticism for such a long time that the questioning itself becomes the identity, rather than a path toward any other more stable identity
Struggling with romanticism because it feels too complicated
Simply not feeling that any other romantic orientation label is applicable”
The definition in here that I feel might be of the most help to you is “Finding the concept of attraction to be inaccessible, inapplicable, or nonsensical,” where you would probably identify most with finding it inapplicable. You just don’t really have anything in your head that sounds romantic, so the term “romantic attraction” doesn’t really apply much at all to you. It’s inapplicable.
There’s also a bunch of other example experiences in the quote above of people who identify as quoiromantic, and who knows, you might find another one you relate to. I identify with like 3 of them, but you can identify with however many you want.
Some quoiromantic people also identify with another romantic attraction label, like aromantic or biromantic or whatever. Often, when quoiro people identify with another label, it’s often what they can pick out of what they feel to be romantic, and maybe still are interested in relationships or whatever. I’m quoiromantic greyromantic and omni-oriented, because from what I can pick out of the little romantic attraction I feel, I sound greyromantic. I say omni-oriented because I’d still like a relationship (probably a qpr), and I don’t really care what the gender of the person I’m with is, but I’m not very gender blind.
If being quoiromantic sounds at least semi-possible, I definitely would consider checking it out a little more online, maybe going to the link above and seeing what else it shows.
I really hope this was helpful!
