This blog is for explaining romantic attraction things to aros in ways that hopefully make more sense than what you normally get when you ask these things to allos. It is the partner blog to @acespectips.
Please read the full rules and FAQ before sending an ask!
Obviously be respectful and ask things in good faith.
If your question mentions sex (e.g. how your experiences with sex or sexual feelings intersect with your aro identity), please include a content warning at the beginning of the ask. It is a trigger for one of the mods. Something like “CW: sex mention” is good enough.
If your question is long, please include some paragraph breaks!
We try to answer questions within a week or two, but sometimes it takes us longer, especially if the questions are long or complex. Keep checking, we’ll get to it!
FAQ (will be expanded as we receive more questions)
“What is romantic attraction?” “How do I know if I’m feeling romantic attraction?” “What’s the difference between romantic feelings and platonic feelings?”
For all questions in this vein, please take a read through the #romantic attraction tag before asking. If you can’t find anything helpful there, then ask.
Mod bios
Mod Will
Hello, everyone! My name is Will, and I am the owner of both @acespectips and @arospectips. I’m quoigender and pronoun indifferent, minus it/its (I’m okay with all others, though!). I’ve been identifying as part of the LGBTQ+ community since around the end of 2018, but have learned a ton about it since then. I didn’t start identifying as aspec until mid-2020, and it has since become a huge part of my identity. I’m asexual, quoiromantic, and aromantic. I’m generally romance averse, though there are still times in which I find myself to be romance favorable.
I won’t be very much help when it comes to differentiating between the different types of attraction, but I can be very helpful with supplying all sorts of other knowledge about a variety of things. Although I can’t really differentiate between types of attraction, I know some methods that have helped other people differentiate between them.
I’m a writer, so from time to time I may share some aro/arospec related/themed works or chunks of writing of mine. I haven’t done much of this yet, but I’m planning on doing more of it as time goes on : )
Mod Artemis
Sup homies I’m Artemis and I use they/them pronouns (xe/xem/xyr is also cool). I identify as aroflux and ace and nonbinary. I’ve identified as aroace for like 7 years now. I have been in two romantic relationships and I actually can tell the difference between romantic and platonic attraction! (Most of the time!) Currently feeling like romance really isn’t for me though.
I am also the sole mod of @growinguparo, a blog for collecting stories of experiences aro folks have had.
Mod Twilight
Hi, I'm Twilight, they/them. I'm demi/quasi/bi/panromantic, romance favorable, nonbinary, ace, and polyamorous. I've identified as arospec for about 2 years, following a long period of intermittent questioning. I've been in several romantic relationships, and a couple queerplatonic ones, and have gained insight about attraction from those experiences that I hope can be helpful for others as well.
Hi, I've been confused about this for some time now. I identify as demiromantic but I want a queerplatonic relationship. I don't want to date but want the things that come with dating, I had a crush on a boy some time ago and didn't really want to date him, I just felt attracted to him in a platonic way but different. And I'm kinda confused about if it was romantic attraction or something other than that.
If you don't feel like you want to date the person or anything else you'd perceive as romantic, it's probably not romantic attraction. If it still feels different from your usual platonic attraction though, it's possible you're feeling something in between. "Alterous attraction" is a term you can use for this. You could hypothetically call this an alterous relationship, or you can stick with queerplatonic relationship if you'd prefer.
hello! i've recently discovered that i myself am ace, and am likely on the aro spectrum but am having trouble finding where i lie on it.
i know for certain i'm not aromantic straight up, and am stuck between being gray/greyromantic and demiromantic.
i've never felt genuine romantic attraction irl, just aesthetic attraction but it's really dispersed across my life. however, i've felt aesthetic and romantic attraction to fictional male characters. though, it's very specific and dispersed, only 7 in total to this day. yet at the same time, these fictional characters were love at first sight.
i have no idea if i'm grey or demi. could you help a trans ace guy out? thank you and have a great day!
Demiromantic means you need to form a bond with someone before you can experience romantic attraction. We typically don't relate to the "love at first sight" experience.
Grayromantic is a very broad term that can be inclusive of any kind of rare, conditional, or otherwise atypical romantic attraction on the aro spectrum. A lot of other arospec microlabels can be considered subtypes of grayromantic.
Fictoromantic also sounds applicable, which means only being romantically attracted to fictional characters.
hi loveless aro here. personally i'm mostly fine with being sent "much love/sending love" cause it's like a simple thank you can suffice but "ily" feels the need to reciprocate it so i'm deeply uncomfortable with that being sent in my direction. that said each person has their own experience and things they're comfortable with, so if that anon knows a loveless aro/ someone love repulsed/etc.. it's best to ask them what they're comfortable with
okay so im aro and i say i love you/much love/generally use love all the time. to me it just kind of has a different meaning.
anyway ik no one loveless aro can answer this, but if there is even just one person out there who is uncomfortable with this then it is worth talking about—but does any loveless/love-repulsed/etc individual feel uncomfortable with people saying ily or “sending” love as a general thing (without expecting anything in return)? two different examples being:
messaging them specifically, and ending the message with “much love”/“sending love”/whatever or responding to some sort of iconic statement or something with “ily”
a general post/message to multiple people, same as above
this isnt really an ask mostly just a Talking out loud but like. Shoutout to people who are aro and poly! I'm aro and poly and it's kinda weird and complicated but also nice. It's like. Lemme just have a couple of Significant People in my life where we dont have any defined labels or anything we just vibe and check in and make sure our wants and needs are lining up with each other and its good!
hey:) idk if this is a basic question but is there a difference between celebrity crushes and irl crushes? i can’t think of a time where i’ve had an irl crush, i don’t think i ever had, but i’m pretty sure i’ve had celebrity crushes/ fictional characters, i don’t know for definite or if i just had it confused with aesthetic attraction but i’m pretty sure i have. i guess i’m asking if this is a common aro experience?
thank you for all your help:)
i think the main difference is that celebrity crushes are crushes that can never amount to anything. there is a layer of separation between you and the celebrity that will never be crossed, and you know that. in a way, it’s “safe” because there’s no way for you to act on your feelings and therefore there’s no pressure to do so either. same with fictional characters.
you can also think of it like this: with celebrities you only know their public image, you don’t know them as a real person. with fictional characters you know them as this static body of work rather than a real person. you have a crush on the idea of them. if they were a real, regular person who went to your school or worked with you or something, would you still be romantically attracted to them? would you want to date them and do cute romantic shit with them? might be hard to know for sure but it’s an interesting thought exercise i think.
also, if the answer is no, that doesn’t necessarily mean that your attraction to them is purely aesthetic. it could be, but for example if you’re attracted to a character in a book that’s pretty clearly not aesthetic. but having that barrier can allow you/your brain to explore romantic feelings with no weight attached.
i’m not sure how common of an experience it is but i have heard of it before.
Hi! I’ve recently started questioning if I might be aro-spec. Before my current relationship, I would just choose to have a crush. Like, I would be like, this person seems cool, I’ll have a crush on them and I just thought that was how crushes worked? But with my current partners, I became friends with them and then suddenly had what I am confident was an actual romantic crush, which is making me wonder if I’ve ever actually been romantically attracted to anyone before. I’ve also just figured out I have what I think is my first platonic crush on my best friend which is also an experience. Idk, does it sound to y’all like I might be aro-spec?
ya dude choosing who you have a crush on and thinking that’s how it works is a very common arospec experience. allos don’t choose who they’re attracted to and they also can’t choose to simply stop having a crush.
the whole [suddenly being sure that a new experience is what romantic attraction is actually supposed to feel like] is something i relate to as well, i had the same experience a few years ago. it just clicks and you’re suddenly like OH I GET IT NOW.
it sounds like you might be demiromantic or somewhere else on the grey spectrum.
if u guys r okay if i talk out loud for a bit 👉👈 and if anything resonates or if anybody has thoughts and advice im extremely open to hear abt them!! 👉👈
i think im litho/akoiromantic bc i think love is like rlly cute (i try not to idealize love asldls, i think i just want someone i feel safe with, i have a small circle of friends anyways and theyd probably be 1 (one) person id feel close to) and i still get romantic crushes but i never bothered to pursue any bc ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i honestly didnt feel the need. i like our friendship better yk, or like i didnt see our relationship deepening or going further if i were to. even just like imagining going into a romantic relationship w someone i have a crush on akdksl makes me feel less romantic feelings???? but perhaps i may just have a fear of intimacy :'3c because i would like to have a romantic relationship but i genuinely cant imagine myself in one and ik qprs r a thing abd i think theyre lovely if they work, altho i worry abt dating friends bc if something bad happened idk if wed be friends :(
im just 😪 abt it, and im kinda just it is what it is yk but i think this one person has a romantic crush on me and i feel pressure to know what i am so i dont lead them on :( i havent consented to a romantic relationship so i hope he knows there isnt anything going on, but if im aro in some sort i think itd be good to tell him soon but im just akdla i dont know yk
imo not being able to imagine yourself in a romantic relationship doesn't indicate that you have a fear of intimacy. a fear of intimacy would feel like ..well, a fear. for example, being scared of getting close to someone and having them subsequently abandon or reject you, or being scared of having an unhealthy relationship dynamic, or being scared to share your thoughts with them because they might judge you. i think if it just feels like it wouldn’t work for you or you can’t picture yourself in that kind of relationship, that is more indicative of being arospec, and i think lith/akoi sounds like it could be a good fit. BUT you know yourself best so if what i’m saying doesn’t make sense to you then trust yourself.
for this person who has a crush on you, it may be helpful to tell them you are questioning whether you’re aro(spec) and that you aren’t interested in a relationship right now. if you feel uncomfortable telling them directly, maybe see if you can work it into a group conversation, if you have mutual friends you’d be okay coming out to. it’s okay to be questioning! you don’t have to rush to figure yourself out so you can tell them the “right” answer. questioning is a fine answer.
I’m aroflux and I’m worried that I’ll never be satisfied with my life. If I keep fluctuating between feeling romantic attraction and not feeling, and fluctuating between whether or not I desire a romantic relationship, how am I ever going to be able to commit to a lifestyle? If I think I want to pursue a relationship with someone, how can I commit to that knowing my desire and attraction could cease to exist at any time? Sometimes I love the idea of being alone and I like the freedom of being single, but sometimes I think falling in love, getting married, and starting a family with someone is worth the work and effort that that takes. But if I choose the latter, it’s not like I can decide to back out or change my mind. And if I wait too long to commit to a relationship but then decide I do want one, then that could be a problem. What if I wake up when I’m 60 and decide to pursue love and a family? I know it’s possible, but I’m just scared of my whole life passing me by and then wishing I’d done something different. And on the other hand I’m scared of getting myself into a relationship, and then ten years down the line I’m married with kids and I decide it’s truly not what I want anymore. And let’s go with this hypothetical— let’s say I just get divorced. Perfect, now I’m alone. Except what happens when I change my mind AGAIN and want my old life back? Is this making any sense? I hope so lol. Basically bc I’m afraid that the fluctuations in my relationship desires and attraction will render me unable to choose one life path and stick to it. Do I choose to listen to the part of me that wants to be alone forever, or do I give into the part of me that occasionally whispers about how nice it would be to be in love? Basically, there are two desires that I’m constantly fluctuating between: being alone forever, and falling in love and starting a family. I’m young and I don’t have to worry about choosing a path right now, but what if I can never commit to a relationship because I can’t ignore the part of me that doesn’t want romance? Every time I think “maybe being in love is worth it,” my brain is like “but also being alone is superb” and those are both true! I’m afraid of giving up my independence and freedom, but I’m afraid of missing out on the fulfillment of a family. And because I’m aroflux, I can’t make up my mind. I feel stuck between two paths.
i am aroflux too and i totally feel this. unfortunately i don’t have any real answers because i’m young as well. for now i’ve determined that my experience of romance is not stable enough for me to be able to maintain a long-term relationship so i’m better off single even if i want a relationship sometimes. but who knows, maybe i’ll change my mind - after all, a couple years ago i was thinking maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to get married. so yeah it is super hard to be aroflux sometimes. i often find myself wishing i was just aro.
i think all we can do is take life as it comes and choose whatever we think will be best at each crossroads as they come up. i know that doesn’t alleviate your anxiety, but at this stage of our lives there’s no way to know what will be best for us.
this is kinda long and i don’t know if it makes much sense but i think i identify as aroace, for a while i thought i was bi/pan because i always felt the same way about any gender but recently i found out about identifying as asexual and aromantic and i think this fits me as well as identifying as bi/pan (i’m still not sure about that either). to start with i thought i was only ace but now i think i also identify as aro. i think i find it hard to identify with all of these because i’ve never had any romantic or sexual experiences and i thought that it was always because i was a late bloomer and my time would come or that nobody liked me so i never had a chance to experience anything but now thinking about it i’m not sure if it’s something i want. i always liked the idea of romantic relationships and i always loved love stories but i recently had an experience where someone liked me and it made me uncomfortable and i pushed him away so i honestly think it’s something i don’t want but i find it hard to accept i guess because of societal norms. i always wanted to fall in love but i think it was just the idea of it and i would just be happy with a person, who i have a proper connection to, i always think like what dan and phil have. someone who will go stargazing with me and have deep conversations and bake and watch films, but have boundaries and our own time and space. i would be happy with that and without romance or the rest of it
hey so since you’re new to the aspec community, you might not know about queerplatonic relationships (aka QPRs)! it’s basically exactly what you just described - a person who you have a connection to and you do things together, but it’s not romantic and you get to decide what kinds of boundaries you have and there’s no societal expectations around it. if you don’t like the idea of romance but you still want a committed relationship or a “person”, i definitely recommend doing some research on qprs. (watch out for the Discourse though - lots of people will tell you qprs are “just friendships” or “just romantic relationships” but don’t listen to them. qprs are whatever you want them to be! and they vary a lot from person to person.)
personally i am a lot more comfortable in qprs than i am in romantic relationships because i feel stifled by all the expectations imposed in romantic relationships. i don’t perform those expectations naturally so they feel forced and awkward.
and yeah it can be hard to accept being aro because of societal norms. the aro community calls these norms amatonormativity: “the widespread assumption that everyone is better off in an exclusive, romantic, long-term coupled relationship, and that everyone is seeking such a relationship” (Elizabeth Brake). society really makes you think that getting married is the only way to be happy in life, but it's not true.
questioning is hard but it sounds like you’re doing a really good job! it sounds like you’ve done a lot of introspection and separated out what you want from what society expects of you. that’s a really big accomplishment!
the aroace community welcomes you with open arms :)
I've had crushes before (albeit very few), but I'm perfectly content with not asking them out (when I say crushes, I mean in a romantic sense. My sexual crushes are virtually endless lol).
Speaking of sexual crushes, sex/kissing is a big turn off for me. I've seen snippets of porn, and the only feeling I feel towards it is "wtf".
I have several friends of my preferred sexual gender, so there have been times where I'm unsure if I'm in love with them or not.
I have also fantasized about being in some sort of dangerous situation (car crash, drowning, and skydiving seem to be my most popular choices) and having one of my romantic crushes visit me in the hospital. That being said, I have no clue what to fantasize after that lol. I've also tried to imagine what I would do if I were to be dating someone, but all I can come up with is just what I would describe as the ideal friendship for me. Either that, or I have no clue what to imagine lol.
I'm probably forgetting something, so feel free to ask questions.
I can see why you're drawn to both of these labels. One covers having a hard time distinguishing romantic attraction, and the other covers not wanting to act on it if you do feel romantic attraction. As far as I am aware, there's no reason you can't use both. Plenty of people use more than one microlabel.
If you're also confused about sexual attraction and labels, you might find the acespectips blog helpful.
HAHA!!!!!!!!!!! *PULLS YOU INTO A MASSIVE TWIRLING BEAR HUG* You are awesome and magnificent, may you have a magical everything friendo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I'm aro but since I'm 14 I'm not sure if it's too early to say or if i'm just a late bloomer, I don't think I had a crush before and all my friends seems to so Idk??
ok here is my manifesto on late-bloomer-ness.
so what if you do end up being just a late bloomer? you're still allowed to identify as aro.
i know how exhausting it is to be constantly waiting, expectantly, for the day you get a crush. to be always questioning and feeling like you're incomplete because you're just waiting for something you aren't even sure is going to happen. i went though that until at 15 someone told me it's okay to identify as aro even though i was young, even though i didn't know if that might change, because aro described my experiences right then, at 15 and every year prior, and that's valid.
if you identify as aro today and you suddenly get a crush tomorrow, it's not that you were "wrong", it's that your experiences changed. you can never predict how your experiences will change in the future. you can only describe the experiences you've had in the past and present.
even if you were to realize tomorrow that you've actually had crushes your whole life and just not recognized them, that's still not you being "wrong", that's a new realization, a new experience or lens you didn't have before.
14 is young, sure. but as you say, all of your friends have had crushes already - probably lots of them! and you haven't. your experience thus far is quantitatively different than theirs. you could wait several more years to be "sure", or you could start identifying as aro now and let whatever happens in the future happen. either way is fine, there's nothing wrong with waiting to be sure, but in my experience claiming the identity can help dispel that anxious feeling of incompleteness. then if you have new experiences later and want to update your label, whether to a greyspec identity like me or to stop identifying as aro altogether, that is also fine and you won't make the aro community look bad by living your truth.
Is it normal/socially acceptable to be in multiple QPRs? Or does it depend on whether or not it's closer to a romantic relationship or a platonic one?
there’s nothing wrong with that. it’s like being polyam or having an open relationship. as long as all parties involved understand the nature of your relationship(s) and consent to that, it’s fine and it doesn’t matter if it’s “closer” to a romantic relationship or a platonic one. you can also be in a qpr and a romantic relationship at the same time, that’s pretty common.
is it okay to find it hard to be accepting of yourself because of the standards and norms in society. like i know that i identity somewhere on the aroace spectrum but i find it so hard to accept as i’ve been taught always that you will find someone and fall in love and have sex and i find it hard to accept that i won’t have that even though i don’t want it and feel that way about people:)
Hello anon! Thank you for the ask!
I’ve been dealing with exactly what you’re describing for about a year. I’ve struggled with misconceptions about asexuality and internalised arophobia, and it’s made it difficult to get places. In an amatonormative society, it can be very difficult to break away, but once you do, you’ll feel so much better.
One of the things I’ve seen people recommend is talking to other aspecs. Talk to people who identify similarly to how you identify (or at least how you think you might), and they’ll be able to explain how they came to grow of acceptance with themselves and how they’ve come to where they are today.
Another thing I’d say might be helpful would be to immerse yourself in the “culture” for an amount of time every day. Maybe you’ve only got five minutes, maybe you’ve got five hours, but whatever the case, researching, looking at memes, talking on forums, doing creative projects associated with your identity, or seriously anything related to the aspec community can help. I find that looking through aspec meme pages on instagram is extremely helpful, and there’s generally at least one or two memes you can relate to, even if it’s an aro page and you’re only arospec.
The last thing I can think that may or may not help could be a sort of short… isolation. Nothing big scale, but maybe for the hour or so before you fall asleep, don’t touch or interact with anything that has to do with amatonormativity (so like no romance books, movies, media, that sort of thing). Instead, look for literally anything else. Maybe you just took up a new hobby and want to get a bit more into it. Great! Go do that hobby. Maybe you’ve found an amazing new book series that has essentially 0 romance. Amazing! Go read it. Just do anything you can that doesn’t have you interacting with amatonormativity. Try not to think about it, either. If this is really too difficult, try doing shorter periods of time, but if that doesn’t work, then this might not work for you, and that’s totally okay. There’s all sorts of other resources out there that could be of more service.
If anyone else has other ideas, feel free to add on with a reblog or add them in the comments! I know there’s probably a ton I missed, and your assistance could help someone out :)
