personal rant about gender and sexuality and that kinda stuff (maybe a little nsfw and also some censored swear words)
it feels like people are expecting me to be some fucking cishet girl who like guys in a striaight girl kinda way and in a romantic & sexual kinda way. But I can't. I just f*cking can't. I'm not a woman. not at all. I'm transmasc and (probably) nonbinary (there's a slight chance I'm just a binary trans dude but I doubt it). The idea of me liking a dude in a straighr way is just ugh. Not to mention I don't like them sexually. I do like dudes, but in a romantic way. And of course alao in an aesthetic and sensual attraction kinda way but that's not the point. The point is I'll never like guys in a noraml cishet romantic+sexual way. Like, when people is talking about guy things, and cis guys things involving like dicks and stuff, and like straight guy stuff, imaging myself as the girl just feels so weird. Like, I usually imagine myself as the guy unless it is like a purely romantic thing and not nsfw. But even then, I wouldn't imagine myself as a straight girl having a boyfriend. Just like as someone having a boyfriend.
Idk, maybe it's just because my sexual attraction is like 90% women and definitely 0% men so obviously if there is any nsfw mention I ain't gonna imagine myself f-ing a dude. But still.
F*ck idk where I was going with that.
I wonder if I can stil be sapphic now idk. Cuz I am definitely not a woman.
Like, I' wearing a dress right now and it feels good because I like wearing dresses and it shows off the muscles on my arms, but like at the same time I know it will make people that more likely to think I am a cis furl and I'm just like. ugh. Can't a closeted transmasc wear a dress without being assumed to be cis? But like I don't want people to assume I'm trans either because like I'm not ready to come out.
Oof. idk. Like how is that possible? Like do I want people to not think of my gender until I come out? What if I never come out? Like, I'm nonbinary and at least my immediate family seems to thimk there are only 2 genders and they can barely understand binary trans people.
sh*t.