#open relating

[lavitaloca36]

What to do When Your Partner is on a Date?

This is a pretty standard beginner question you see come up in polyam and non-monogamy groups.

First, I have personally been working on reframing my thoughts around my partners being with others. Think about it. You rarely hear people ask “What do you do when your partner is at work?”, “What do you do when your partner is at the gym?”, etc. The reality is that we don’t spend EVERY WAKING MOMENT with our partners. They are off doing things all the time that don’t include us. This is no different. If you stop elevating date time/romantic interaction time that your partner has with others above any other time that they spend doing something apart from you, it takes some of the edge off. So now my answer to that question is the same thing I do any other time that I’m not with him. Whatever I want.

Here are some actual tips that have helped me in the past (and in the present) when my partner was out with someone else, especially as I am someone who is prone to jealousy and envy:

1. Feel your feelings. It’s ok to feel jealous or envious. It’s not the end of the world. And the quicker you just allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling, the faster it moves on. I say to myself things like “My partner is on a date and I’m feeling jealous. What’s for dinner?” It’s not a big deal and it doesn’t make you “bad” at polyamory. It just makes you human.

2. I read this thing once called a “date sandwich” where you and your partner are intentional about spending quality time together loving and affirming each other before and after your partner goes on the date. It really helps.

3. Do things you LIKE to do. If you use your partners date time to balance the checkbook or do the laundry or some other adulty thing, you’re going to associate the time your partner spends with other people with drudgery (unless you enjoy doing all of those things in which case rock on!). I like to do things I like to do that my partner doesn’t particularly enjoy that way my brain begins to associate my partner being away with others as pleasure for me, too. Watch that show your partner can’t stand, eat that stinky cheese they gag over when they see you eating it, go see that weird movie your partner would be miserable sitting through. Reconnect with your ability to bring pleasure to yourself all by yourself.

4. Set up a support system if you need it. Schedule time with your own partners if that’s available. Set up a phone call with a polyam friend who’ll understand. Video chat with a person who’s important to you that may be far away. Use that time to reconnect with the other important people in your life.

5. Don’t blow up your partner’s phone while they are on a date. That’s inconsiderate to the person they are on a date with and them. If there’s an emergency, of course reach out but if it can wait, wait. If you are struggling through some feelings and need to share that, write it down and share it with them when they return. Try to give them the space to enjoy themselves.

[lavitaloca36]

Discomfort

“Poly” does NOT mean “Be ok with everything”. If you’re uncomfortable with something, that’s valid. It’s ok to bring that to your partners and ask them to “partner” with you to see if there’s a way that that discomfort can be mitigated, especially if you are acknowledging their autonomy to do as they please and aren’t trying to control them.

For example: it’s ok to be upset if it’s your birthday and your partner decides to keep their standard date night with another partner instead of spending it with you. It’s ok to ask your partner if they can reschedule their date night so you can spend your birthday together. If they choose not to, it’s ok to be upset about that. None of that would make you “bad” at polyamory.

We need to stop acting like folks just got to smile and giggle about everything their partners do in these poly screets and if they don’t, it’s a problem.

[lavitaloca36]

“He Only Wants Her For Sex”

So I may not articulate this well but I'll try. There is something I have noticed in my polyam journey in relationships comprised of a man and a woman that date separately. The woman may be dating and her husband/nesting or "primary" partner will feel a way if she is engaging a man that he feels "only wants her for sex". Often times, this comes from a place of love and protection, I get. They don't want to see their partners hurt by fuck boys. They see immense value in their partner and want others to see that, too. I often imagine, too, that for men, watching your woman partner date men can be a whole new way to see the bullshit that women deal with from men.

The trap is that this can have a undertone of being paternalistic to your partner. Your woman partners are adults and capable of making their own choices about whom they engage. One of the hardest things to deal with in non-monogamy is letting your partners learn their own lessons when it comes to dating and relating.

I also think that sometimes....and this one might smart a bit.....it has an air of "I didn't treat her like that. I valued her and saw her as more than just sex and here this dude comes along and just gets to fuck her without dealing with all the other stuff that I deal with." It's a little judgmental. Like, yeah, you can feel a way about dude for just wanting your lady for sex but if you're a "good dude" who doesn't treat women like that, what does it matter if there are other men that do? You being good is about you and not them. And she may WANT just sex from him. That may be ok for her. I think sometimes that it can result in you subconsciously devaluing your partner a little if you are not careful. The ills of slut-shaming misogyny are deep-rooted and not always visible to the naked eye within ourselves.

Remember, you have the relationship that you CHOSE to have with your partner. If you wanted just sex from her, you could have asked for that. If you saw more "value" in her, then that's what you wanted. Focus on what YOU want to have with her and let her deal with what she wants to have with others.

I hope this isn't harsh because it's not intended to be. It's just something I have noticed considerably and wanted to highlight. Just like I hear women say "It's not fair that I have to wash his socks and pick his pants up off the floor meanwhile his other partners get to just enjoy him.", I feel like this is the other side of that.

[lavitaloca36]

A Personal Dating Story

I met a new transgender person yesterday. It wasn’t a “date” but we did meet on OkCupid. We just sat by the marina and smoked and talked in the rain. I ran down a sand bank to scare some seagulls like a little kid. We had dope conversation. We had this moment where I was telling him about my weight loss. He said he would have never guessed that I was larger and I replied that if he saw my body beneath my clothes, he could tell. I shared with him that I feel like my body lies in clothes but tells a different story when I’m naked and he looked at me and was like “Yep. I understand that.” And immediately, I knew that he did and we shared this moment of my being cisgender and his being transgender being relevant and irrelevant at the same time because even though the understanding of that experience came from different places, the reality is that we’re both just two human beings working ourselves through our human bodies. It was a dope bonding moment.

And I think I liked him.

[lavitaloca36]

KTP or Die

So in 2020 can we stop forcing people to be around people they clearly don’t enjoy under the banner of “Kitchen Table Poly”? Like, I’m all for crafting the polyamorous experience that you want and I appreciate the people I can have KTP with but think about it. We don’t force our friends to be friends with all of our friends so why do we HAVE to have all our partners connected to each other? Half the time I don’t even feel like people be caring about KTP, they just want to stunt for the gram that they can “do poly well”. Let people have the relationships they want to have with the people they want to have them with. If it’s KTP, great. If it’s parallel, great. Just focus on making sure YOUR relationships are good with your partners and let them figure out how they want to engage one another. Not having KTP doesn’t mean that there has to be drama and ill will behind that. Some people just don’t vibe. And if there IS drama, then why would you want to force people to have to sit in that with someone?

I refuse to do it. If ION like someone ION like ‘em. I’m not concerned with what that makes me look like to people or how they judge my ability to “poly” because of it. I’m the one who guards my peace. And people my partners date are allowed to choose how they wish to engage ME. I think people feeling like it’s perfectly acceptable to dictate that a person their partner is seeing HAS to interact with them how THEY want them to is weird as fuck.

[lavitaloca36]

Boxes

One of the things I have learned in non-monogamy is that the boxes we build around our partners and what they do with others are boxes we build around ourselves. I like having the maximum amount of freedom available to me so that then means that I have to afford the maximum amount of freedom I can offer. I don't take liberties I am unwilling to afford. That's why I do the personal work that I do.

When creating "rules" and "agreements" it's all well and good until YOU are the one that wants to do the thing. I try to remember that. Ain't no fun when the rabbit got the gun. So when you are creating rules and agreements around what makes you comfortable it's cool until you find yourself in a place where now YOU want to do the thing and YOU'RE the one being restricted. It's easy to say you don't want to do a thing until you find yourself wanting to do it and now you're in a pickle. Too many couples have found themselves in the place of making agreements to restrict certain things and one of them upholding that even when they experienced times of wanting to do it but they chose not to and then the other partner comes asking to change or get rid of the agreement. The person who followed the agreement and restricted themselves usually ends up feeling resentment about that. All bad.

Polyamory, to me, feels best when I focus on what *I* want to do and how *I* want to move and then aligning myself with people that feel similarly. That way I won't feel the need to create rules and agreements because how we feel things should be conducted are congruent.

Polyamory/Non-Monogamy isn't about more love for me. It's about freedom.

[lavitaloca36]

For the “Emotional” Partners

For the people that experience more "emotions" in polyamory. Yes, your emotions are valid and yes, you have every right to bring them to your partners and want them to care about your feelings, however, YOUR work is to bring your emotions up WELL.

As a person who has large emotions herself, it is very possible to bring up your emotions in such a dramatic, caustic, volatile way that it makes it impossible for your partner to get anywhere near them to be able to help with them.

It is possible to bring them up in such a way to where you are making your partner RESPONSIBLE for them. It is possible to bring them up in such a way that you are insinuating or even accusing your partner of being "wrong" for what they are doing or that they should feel guilty about what they are doing or that they don't love or care about you because of what they are doing. It is possible to have emotions that are SO large and difficult for your partner to deal with them that they instead choose to navigate polyamory in all these weird ass ways so as to not have to deal with the hurricane that is your emotions. SO! From one hurricane to another, some tips:

Cool down. If you are really triggered, take a step back for a bit and don't try to engage in the middle of an emotional storm. It's ok to say "I'm really upset about this and I need a minute before I talk about it."

If your partner has not broken any agreements between you, THEY ARE NOT WRONG FOR WHAT THEY DID. You might not LIKE it, but they aren't WRONG. Try to remember that.

If they DID break an agreement, examine that. Was it that they broke it or was it vague enough to be loosely interpreted? Was it reasonable? Did they WANT to agree to it or did they just concede to it because you were upset about the issue at hand?

Assess what is REALLY bothering you first. Are you REALLY upset that your partner went to see a horror film with their other partner or are you upset because horror films are something that they enjoy that you don't and that makes you feel threatened? Often times, it's not the initial trigger but what's underneath it. Dig a little deeper and if you can, it's best to do that on your own AWAY from your partner.

Is it jealousy that you are feeling, is it envy, or is it a mixture of both? Those two feel similar but are two distinct emotions and have distinct solutions to them. Learn to differentiate between the two.

Try to maintain a reasonable timeline for discussing issues and also be mindful of your partner's bandwith for emotional discussions. I used to drag shit out for DAYS sometimes on end. It was too much. There is such a thing as talking TOO much about an issue. At some point, you have to make a choice to do something about it or let it go.

Work on yourself and how you show up in polyamory. And honestly this one ain't gonna be nothing nice but I don't care. At some point, the shit should get easier. I'm not saying that feelings should go away because mine still haven't but they do get easier. If it's not, why? Is it that you really just don't need to be living non-monogamously? Is it that the way you and your partner conduct non-monogamy is incompatible and you may need to determine if you can continue to do this together? Is it that you are still holding on to monogamous mindsets that you haven't rooted out? Only you can answer that for yourself but expecting your partners to go on this consistent roller coaster of emotions EVERY time for some shit that y'all BOTH signed up to do is unfair.

Your partners also need love and compassion in the midst of your emotions and it can be very easy to be self-centered when we are going through things emotionally in polyamory. They can become scared, too. Scared that you will be so upset about what they are doing with someone else that you decide to end things or change things with them and now they have to choose not to lose you or to lose the other person. If you can, let them know that while you don't love what they are doing, you love THEM and that you are struggling to reconcile the two concepts.

Be vulnerable. It may sound silly to say, "I'm scared that I'm going to lose you to this new person. Can you remind me that you still find me desirable/attractive/loveable?" but that's usually exactly what you need. IF YOU HAVE A DECENT PARTNER, they should be more than willing to offer you the assurance that you need.

Resist the urge to be petty, sharp, rude, sarcastic, unkind with your words and when you are, own it and apologize. Your partner will be more inclined to want to help you if they are not dodging blows to get close to you in the first place. Take it from me. I am sharp as hell when I'm hurt. It makes it hard to absorb what a person is saying if the delivery was intending to be offensive and incendiary.

This is a lot, I know, but these are just some of the things that I did and can STILL do on occasion and they were counter productive to helping my partners and helping myself.