For the “Emotional” Partners
For the people that experience more "emotions" in polyamory. Yes, your emotions are valid and yes, you have every right to bring them to your partners and want them to care about your feelings, however, YOUR work is to bring your emotions up WELL.
As a person who has large emotions herself, it is very possible to bring up your emotions in such a dramatic, caustic, volatile way that it makes it impossible for your partner to get anywhere near them to be able to help with them.
It is possible to bring them up in such a way to where you are making your partner RESPONSIBLE for them. It is possible to bring them up in such a way that you are insinuating or even accusing your partner of being "wrong" for what they are doing or that they should feel guilty about what they are doing or that they don't love or care about you because of what they are doing. It is possible to have emotions that are SO large and difficult for your partner to deal with them that they instead choose to navigate polyamory in all these weird ass ways so as to not have to deal with the hurricane that is your emotions. SO! From one hurricane to another, some tips:
Cool down. If you are really triggered, take a step back for a bit and don't try to engage in the middle of an emotional storm. It's ok to say "I'm really upset about this and I need a minute before I talk about it."
If your partner has not broken any agreements between you, THEY ARE NOT WRONG FOR WHAT THEY DID. You might not LIKE it, but they aren't WRONG. Try to remember that.
If they DID break an agreement, examine that. Was it that they broke it or was it vague enough to be loosely interpreted? Was it reasonable? Did they WANT to agree to it or did they just concede to it because you were upset about the issue at hand?
Assess what is REALLY bothering you first. Are you REALLY upset that your partner went to see a horror film with their other partner or are you upset because horror films are something that they enjoy that you don't and that makes you feel threatened? Often times, it's not the initial trigger but what's underneath it. Dig a little deeper and if you can, it's best to do that on your own AWAY from your partner.
Is it jealousy that you are feeling, is it envy, or is it a mixture of both? Those two feel similar but are two distinct emotions and have distinct solutions to them. Learn to differentiate between the two.
Try to maintain a reasonable timeline for discussing issues and also be mindful of your partner's bandwith for emotional discussions. I used to drag shit out for DAYS sometimes on end. It was too much. There is such a thing as talking TOO much about an issue. At some point, you have to make a choice to do something about it or let it go.
Work on yourself and how you show up in polyamory. And honestly this one ain't gonna be nothing nice but I don't care. At some point, the shit should get easier. I'm not saying that feelings should go away because mine still haven't but they do get easier. If it's not, why? Is it that you really just don't need to be living non-monogamously? Is it that the way you and your partner conduct non-monogamy is incompatible and you may need to determine if you can continue to do this together? Is it that you are still holding on to monogamous mindsets that you haven't rooted out? Only you can answer that for yourself but expecting your partners to go on this consistent roller coaster of emotions EVERY time for some shit that y'all BOTH signed up to do is unfair.
Your partners also need love and compassion in the midst of your emotions and it can be very easy to be self-centered when we are going through things emotionally in polyamory. They can become scared, too. Scared that you will be so upset about what they are doing with someone else that you decide to end things or change things with them and now they have to choose not to lose you or to lose the other person. If you can, let them know that while you don't love what they are doing, you love THEM and that you are struggling to reconcile the two concepts.
Be vulnerable. It may sound silly to say, "I'm scared that I'm going to lose you to this new person. Can you remind me that you still find me desirable/attractive/loveable?" but that's usually exactly what you need. IF YOU HAVE A DECENT PARTNER, they should be more than willing to offer you the assurance that you need.
Resist the urge to be petty, sharp, rude, sarcastic, unkind with your words and when you are, own it and apologize. Your partner will be more inclined to want to help you if they are not dodging blows to get close to you in the first place. Take it from me. I am sharp as hell when I'm hurt. It makes it hard to absorb what a person is saying if the delivery was intending to be offensive and incendiary.
This is a lot, I know, but these are just some of the things that I did and can STILL do on occasion and they were counter productive to helping my partners and helping myself.