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Mom's birthday, and we haven't talked in two years.

No words in my head. I often pray for her but today, I can't bring myself to. I think about her all day. I listen to videos about codependency and about adult children of alcoholics. I grieve, and think about how much I love her and how much I wish she would recover someday.

I cook and bake, a lot. I make all the things I wish a mother would have taught me how to make, complicated recipes, quick and easy recipes.

I fight with my brother and we make up again. He says he only has disgust left for her often, so I don't want to talk about her today with him.

I think about how in another life, in another reality, I'm sure my mom would have been proud of me. The mom who confronted her parents about all the abuse she went through in her childhood that was so much worse than mine in some ways. The mom who was stronger than her mother and left her abusive husband to protect herself and her children and who got help. This mom would be proud of me, I'm sure of it.

I'm proud of myself because I didn't have a nervous breakdown today, unlike last year.

The grief is there and will stay but alas, I don't want to hate her. I hate her trauma and her sin but I love her to pieces and always will. She's my mom, it's as simple as that. I'm allowed to love my mother, despite the bad things she did. Anyone who has ever met me can imagine how much I loved that woman and I'm over pretending that I don't... But defending her and keeping her secrets is something that I'm not willing to do anymore. Other mom would approve, I'm sure ❤️

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Day 15: How to End Codependency Now

Day 15: How to End Codependency Now: To learn how to end codependency, you must first identify if you are codependent. Codependency is perfectly expressed right here in this quote from Dr. Menije's blog #endingcodependency #overcomingcodependency #coda

To learn how to end codependency, you must first identify if you are codependent. Codependency is perfectly expressed right here in this quote from Dr. Menije’s blog: “I don’t recognize myself anymore. I don’t know this person who is so controlling, so angry, so obsessed about what other people think. I don’t even know where it all went wrong. I wasn’t always like this. The relationship wasn’t…