Victor would never say that. Or would he.
I'm in a very bad place rn and the little guys in my head are trying to keep me sane.
(Ignore that he grew by like half, let's say he drifted closer in the realm of my mind)
Big vent about childhood abuse and other fun stuff below
The place is luckily not bad enough yet to make me turn to substances. I know the consequences well enough, so it'd have to be life endingly extremely bad to make me abandon every hope. But if I could numb it all without even worse consequences, I would without hesitation. I took my prescribed Xanax today to try to deal with the worst day I've had in like a month (with my partner of 6 years ending the releationship around a month ago, on our anniversary. And it was the worst kind of breakup, the logical one. I can't even be mad at him, I'm just by myself, miserable, no friends, no partner, no job, no money to live if I don't get something this month) but all it did was making me slower but still miserable all the same. The slowness may have contributed to me fucking up even more than I fucked everything up already.
I'm this close to actually going back to self harming, but I'm too scared everyone turning away from me forever for being an unstable freak. Because the people I most care about right now would. And they would take it as emotional blackmail and just throw me fully away.
Recently I started truly learning about RSD and it's super great to know that I have a brain disorder that is incurable that makes me feel unexplainable physical pain whenever I feel rejection. And it turns out it's behind most of my fucked up behaviours. That and it also turns out that my family was not as normal as I thought it was. That being beaten with a belt, sometimes resulting in huge colourful bruises, was not everyone's experience. That being hit in the face when you eventually break and express your frustration from being mistreated and not taken seriously gets internalised, even if you always knew it's wrong. That being told from the youngest age whenever you are interested in something, it is somehow wrong or stupid fucks you up for life. I thought it was because of my own fault that I felt so much shame and embarrassment over everything I did that I enjoyed. It's even worse that it was inflicted upon me. I resent the people who have had supportive families or at least someone truly supportive in their life, who have the audacity to tell me that I should just try harder, that I have control over how I will live my life. All my life I've been stripped of even most basic control over myself. Invisible abuse on so many levels which I'm truly starting to see at age of fucking 31. And my parents still gaslight me whenever I have courage to speak up about how what they've said to me made me feel. This is the fucking worst, because I truly believe that they care and are not malicious on purpose. I want to be able to be mad at someone for what's been done to me, FUCK
