In Which Jeff Tries to Forcibly Adopt Spider-Man
The Results Will Probably Not Surprise You
concept based off of a few fics where Jeff takes one look at new Spidey and goes That Is A Child What The Hell
Jeff didn’t know it was happening at first. And, to be fair, neither did the other officers. Spider-man was always awkward around the precinct or at crime scenes, quick to disappear at first and oddly familiar and distant at intervals.
“I love you, officer, look behind you,” became a running gag whenever someone said goodbye to him. Miles thought it was hilarious.
But Spider-man, he was a kid. Jeff caught on to that fairly quickly. That both made things a lot better and a lot worse.
A lot of his misgivings about how Spider-man worked, well, that was mostly Parker’s flippancy he didn’t care for. The new one, the tiny one - he tried very hard not to inconvenience officers. And Jeff, begrudgingly, realized over time that the kid was very helpful with cases and dangerous situations that they just couldn’t handle alone.
The kid makes a twitter. He makes it a point to thank emergency personnel and to warn people off staying near a fight. He checks in with victims. He has little, quirky conversations with tentative fans and doesn’t respond to hateful trolls after the first one.
Spider-Man Official @ doeswhateveraspidercan
Hey @ PDNY there’s, like, at least three muggers tied up on the roof of a particular undisclosed building.
That was code he’d worked out with the officers - “particular undisclosed building” meant the roof of the fire department building closest to the Brooklyn precinct. It was a good system, but finally, it became evident that they needed a private contact with Spider-man.
Everyone voted for him. One hug was all it took, apparently.
Police Department of New York @ PDNY
@ doeswhateveraspidercan We’d like to set up private communication with you via one of our officers. Stop by a particular undisclosed building when you get the chance.
Spider-man’s lenses went wide when he spotted Jeff.
“Uh, hello, Officer.”
“Spider-man,” he nodded. “How are you, kid?” Ah, wrong thing to say. The hero bristled.
“I’m not a kid,” he argued in that fake deep voice.
“Yeah, no, even Parker would have been ‘kid’ to me if I’d known him, so yeah, you’re definitely a kid. I’ve been asked to give you my personal number so the world doesn’t have to know every detail of the cooperation between PDNY and you. Would you prefer a different officer?” He knew sometimes he could be intimidating to troublemakers or victims, so they usually sent out a younger female recruit. It sucked that it had to be the case, but he’d rather have people be comfortable than not when dealing with officers.
“No, sir,” Spider-man said.
“Right. Well, do you have a phone on you, or can you give me your number?”
“Uh, I’ll memorize it, sir, and I’ll add it to my contacts as soon as I get home. That sound all right?”
Jeff just nodded - the kid was careful about his secret identity. That was fair.
“You going on patrol tonight?” he asked the kid.
“Already did my rounds.”
“Well, be safe going home, and make sure you get your homework done before you go to bed. Don’t count on your alarm in the morning.” The kid spluttered.
“I - uh -” Jeffe laughed.
“I’ve got a kid that I think is about your age. You just be careful, all right?” Spider-man nodded vigorously.
“G’night officer. Love you.” And he disappeared. Apparently that was one of many new things this Spider-Man could do.
New Number: Uh hi this is Spidey
Me: Good to hear from you, Spider-Man. Are you all right?
Save Contact As: Spider-man
Spider-man: yeah just wanted to check that this would work. Got my friend from another school to hack into my phone and give me a separate number, kind of like another profile, to text you from so I won’t have to buy another phone for this and get reverse-searched.
Me: I couldn’t do that, son, let alone would.
Spider-man: I know, but your phone could get stolen if it gets out that you’re the contact. Plus my friend also hid this conversation so it’s password protected so even if someone stole my phone and got in, they’d have to want to look at a dumb fake game and unlock my profile there.
Me: Your friend know who you are?
Spider-man: Do you really want to go digging, officer?
Me: No. I’m just worried you don’t have anyone that’s got your back.
Spider-man: ...
Spider-man: You do. That’s pretty great, all things considered. TTYL
Me: Talk you you later, Spider-man.
From then on, it was mostly business - getting him a police scanner built into his suit, contacting May Parker for other resources. It was slow-going, but it was enough to be friendly with the neighborhood Spider-man.
The jokes didn’t stop at work, and Jeff was starting to wonder. Spidey was a kid, and he likely hadn’t told many, if anyone, who he was under the mask. May probably knew, but he did confess to Jeff that his parents didn’t.
Jeff added more than just mission talk to their texts, then - how are yous and such, followed by longer conversations in person, followed by an actual phone call where he pulled Rio into the room to explain to the hero how to make a splint. (God, but they were teaching a child how to make a splint for a finger he’d broken while punching a supervillain. How messed up - )
“Dios,” grumbled Spidey. “Those . . . armored suits aren’t a bad idea, huh. I could use one of those.”
“You could use an actual doctor’s visit,” Jeff chided.
“You and I both know I can’t do that, officer.”
“Do your parents notice that you’re hurt at all?” Spider-Man snorted.
“They do, but I’m pretty good at excuses. Plus, I heal quickly, so it’s not like they notice them all -”
“You ever need a place to crash, you can stay at ours,” said Rio firmly. “If you need to sleep off a long patrol, or you need to heal but can’t go home right away, you come here, understand? Jeff will give you our address.” Now this made the hero splutter.
“M-Ma’am, I, I can’t ask that of you - “
“I’m offering.”
Everyone at work just gives him looks. Staying over to recover had turned into visiting for meals after school. It had turned into Spider-Man visiting an awful lot. Enough that Jeff was starting to doubt his parents knew he was missing. Even Geoff, who was a hardass on his best days, had helped find and arrange adoption papers with Spider-man logos all over them. It was funny right there and then, but . . .
“I’m going to talk to Miles about it, but - I think Spider-man ought to live with us,” Jeff sighed. “Am I crazy, Rio?”
“No,” she shook her head. “The boy is never home. He’s at a school like Miles’, he said last night, where he’s there during the week, but he’s still here so much. I think Miles might like the idea of living with Spider-man.” Jeff laughed.
“You’re right.”
But Miles looked horrified as soon as Jeff suggested it.
“You can’t - you can’t adopt Spider-man. You don’t even know who he is!”
“He’s a kid your age, Miles,” Jeff said gently, “And he’s not home often. I’m not getting the adoption papers out; God knows his parents might not mind, if he’s spending so much time here. But he needs people at his side, Miles. We don’t want to replace his family; we want to expand it.” He wasn’t sure what was going on with his son’s expressions before he sighed.
“This has gone too far. I-I’m sorry. I.” He bit his lip before shifting his sleeves at his wrists and -
Thwip!
His son was crouched upside down on the ceiling. Rio was gaping and Jeff had dropped his fork and knife with a loud clatter.
“You are grounded,” Jeff declared, “Until college.”
He disappeared. Not out the window, not in a puff of smoke, just - vanished.
“Come here where we can see you. Get down from the ceiling, mijo,” Rio said, “And we’ll talk.” His son reappeared, sheepish as any of the times he’d been caught drawing on his walls with crayons when he was little.
“So,” he started. “There were multiple dimensions, and I met another Peter Parker, and - well. Let me start from the beginning. Just once.”
