“My disability has made me aware of a level of suffering that was unknown to me and, while I would not wish this knowledge upon anyone, it has made me mindful of how much compassion is sorely needed in this world. In a strange way my accident has made me realise how lucky I really am – it has given me the chance to see the very best in my husband and our children, even while I was at my lowest point. These are beautiful insights for which I am grateful, despite their appalling cost.
I was so consumed with anger and regret after my accident that almost nothing positive got through to me. I was certain I would never smile or laugh ever again but thankfully, in the end, I was proved wrong. I don’t pretend to know everything about spinal cord injury, and I appreciate that everyone’s situation is unique. But I can tell you that the icy cold fear in your heart that you will always be a freak, that the best of your life is over and that the real you is gone forever... that’s all normal. The thoughts of suicide and wishing you were dead – that’s normal too. There was a long spell when I nursed an irrational hatred for almost everyone and everything related to my paralysis.
Likewise there will be a period when almost anything anyone says or does will make you feel incredibly sad or angry or both. For a while I became toxically jealous of everybody who continued to lead a normal life; watching girls running down to the beach with surfboards under their arms would reduce me to a puddle of angry tears. I knew it made no sense and wasn’t remotely healthy, but I still felt this way.
Talking through what you are feeling can be helpful, if you can bring yourself to talk about such things. After a glass of wine I can be quite chatty but I am naturally very quiet, so I found that keeping a private diary of my highs and lows was a good way to put things in context and deconstruct my negative feelings. But though this was helpful, I found that nothing is better than saying things out loud. There’s just something about putting your fear and your anger into words that robs these horrible feelings of their power over you.”