#personal revelations

[augustxthexid10t]

Personal revelation pt2: I am shit at bowling 🎳

[woodpengu]

Therapy always goes hard for me. Not because of what my therapist says (though they do say some awesome things and validate my tortured existence on the regular), but because of the unfiltered revelations that come out of my mouth in session.

Example: "I'm realizing that the way we [the current generations] are learning and practicing how to parent our children needs to extend to how professionals engage with their clients/patients. [...] I want to feel safe enough to approach a doctor with a question or concern, no matter how minor or non-inconveniencing, and be met with curiosity and intrigue/interest, not rejection, invalidation, or judgment. Because the latter is why I avoid going to doctors no matter how badly I need it. And they treat the lack of approach on my end with not actually needing help when really I'm not as healthy as they assume me to be."

It's not just the Boomers on the personal level that unjustly pulled the "You can come to me for anything, so why don't you? (has history of harshly judging questions, concerns, discomforts, issues of their children)" trick. Every PC doc I've dealt with over the last... 6 years has been quick to ask vague questions about pain scale and met my responses with 'why are you here, you're fine' judgment.

Mayhaps... do as the Jungian psychoanalysts do: be curious, not judgmental. I'm looking to approach you with all the unhinged questions of a seven-year-old totally invested with knowing how the world works and don't want that snuffed out by rejection... especially since that determines if I'll come back at all.

[dua-duat]

The smell of the elderly, the dying and old -- while it brings me sorrow and grief, it is an aroma that reminds me too dearly of beloved Yinepu.

Long, endless hallways dressed in white, his temple among hospitals and funeral homes.

Floral arrangements and formaldehyde, the libations of mourning tears.

Rend me an incense of cremations, stir the soil from the grave and send my soul aflight.

[redeadepression]

You ever just look at someone you love and get amazed by the fact that they’re a whole separate person to you with a different set of likes and dislikes? I think blue is the ultimate colour but they might think it’s ugly. I like dark chocolate but maybe they think it’s too bitter. Maybe they don’t even have a sweet-tooth at all. Humans are crazy.

[scarecr0e]

Panera Bread is the Waffle House of the bourgeoisie

[simplymiles]

So . . . kanina after lunch, I was playing my ukelele and decided to jam out some of my favorite gospel music. Wala naman intention for anything, I just wanted to practice and jam out. So pili lang ako ng kahit ano sa chords list ko tapos tumugtog na. I was singing “To Worship You I Live” by Israel Houghton. Paulit-ulit lang yung song . . . pinili ko lang just to warm up. Pero, di ko namamalayan tumutulo na pala yung luha ko . . . without any intention na mag-worship talaga, gusto ko lang mag-jam, pero naramdaman ko yung Holy Spirit today. Ang bigat and He was speaking to me, comforting me. This past week kasi, mejo mabigat yung sitwasyon namin ng dad ko dito sa mindoro. As per usual kami lang yung nagsasaluhan. I’m trying to be strong for him and letting him know that I support him in everything he does . . . he’s going through a lot lately and nararamdaman ko yung bigat ng kalooban niya. Last Thursday, a possession of his with great sentimental value was taken . . . just because of some stupid papers saying that it belonged to someone else. I felt his spirit crashed. He wasn’t talking much and he was trying to smile and shrug it all off in front of me pero ramdam ko yung pain and yung pagiging devastated niya sa nangyari. I kept checking up on him. Tapos around 1 in the morning, I went inside his room to use the bathroom, and also just to check up on him . . . ayun, gising na gising pa siya. Wide awake, lights are all turned on and he was reading . . . so after ko mag-cr sabi ko sa kanya .. “Matulog ka na daddy, wag ka na masyado magisip at baka tumaas pa bp mo!” Then went to my room. He called right after, tapos nagusap kami. Nag-oopen lang talaga siya ng nararamdaman niya, I felt pain in every word he’s saying. Di ko na idi-detail yung pinag-usapan namin, basta ang summary lang nun is that he’d just let go of it and we won’t worry about it anymore and let the other people worry and talk about this legality stuff. Sabi niya wala naman daw siya magagawa . . . so basically he’s telling me that he’s at peace with it and we just had to let it go para hindi na kami ma-bother. Ang sabi niya, mahihirapan lang tayo, napaka-incovenient para sa atin. I assured him na walang problema sa akin. Sabi ko I’ve been through harder times. Kayang-kaya ko naman, wag niya ako alalahanin. Pero, syempre, bilang ama, hindi mo maiaalis sa kanya na mag-alala sa anak at sa mga apo niya, because that’s how he is, he is a good dad. He is a good granddad. He wants to provide us with everything and hindi siya mapakali kapag hindi niya maibigay yung kailangan namin. Kung yung sa ibang tao nga, he would move the mountains and valleys to help them, paano pa kaya kaming mga anak at apo niya? He’s such a great person, and it’s so hard for me to see him like this. I admire him so much because he is so quick to forgive, kahit na yung mga tao na nakakasakit sa kanya, kahit kelan hindi niya siniraan sa akin. Kahit na pwedeng-pwede niya naman gawin kasi ako lang naman nakikinig, pero he’s not like that. He’s a man who speaks life and blessings to others! Wala na akong hihingin pa sa pagiging dad and mentor niya. 

So kanina, it was a special moment between me and the Holy Spirit, dahil sobrang bigat nga ng nararamdaman ko . . . naiyak na lang ako. Through out the whole song umiiyak na ako and I ended up just worshiping God. I wasn’t uttering a single word, I was just playing my ukelele and I was crying but I know and I feel the Spirit was moving. Then I remembered this verse:

“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.” - Romans 8:26-27 (NIV)

It was an indescribable moment. Mabigat yung pakiramdam ko, pero patuloy ko lang nare-release yung nararamdaman ko without uttering a word. Hindi ko kinailangan magsalita, hindi ko kailangan sabihin yung nararamdaman ko out loud . . . God knows, the Holy Spirit knows and I just had to LISTEN. It was like the Holy Spirit was comforting me, and assuring me that everything is going to be alright, that brighter days are ahead, that there is a blessing in and after the storm. Parang ang sinasabi Niya is, ilang beses mo na napatunayan na God is in control over everything. Again and again, you have overcome, ngayon ka pa ba magda-doubt? And I just kept playing and worshiping and then after a while, I stopped and there was complete silence. All I can hear was the fan and myself sobbing, and I just felt it. Hindi ko maipaliwanag, pero through that silence, I heard it. It was loud and clear! I heard it, God is in control. God is in control. GOD IS IN CONTROL. Paulit-ulit! I felt the assurance that everything is going to be just fine. That I just had to continue and keep fighting and keep trusting God through everything that’s happening. After that silence, I felt peace. 

I found peace that passes all understanding. Thank You, Abba. 

I know You got us. 

[rollerskatinglizard]

So I spent much of yesterday reading through a corrections blog, and I think I learned something I hadn't fully grasped before. Everyone knows you have to be careful with the information you run into online, on tumblr as elsewhere. People can make mistakes, they can misremember, they can blow things out of proportion, and sometimes they just straight up lie. That last one is the one I realize now that I didn't actually believe. Like okay, politicians lie, people lie to protect themselves, nasty organizations like PETA or white supremacists lie to further their causes because the truth wouldn't work. The rabid tumblr mob promotes pretty much any nasty accusation anyone can imagine about BNFs who draw or write the wrong thing. But -- people just randomly lie, too. They'll take a graph about one thing, remove the text, and say it's about something completely different that proves their point about x. They'll take a quote with vastly fallacious information and attribute it to a doctor who did not say that (because it's extremely incorrect and I trust he knows better). And I realize that being startled by this makes me, idk, naive or something, and everyone else knew this already, but. It's really weird. I understand lying to protect yourself, and twisting or weighting the truth to make your side look better, I get that. But making things up out of whole cloth just... idk, at random, or to win an argument? How... how can you allow yourself to do that? How does it even work? Any information I run into out there could be a lie because some people just do that, apparently. That's why fact-checking and thinking about the source and so on and so forth is important. ...How incredibly weird.

[scarecr0e]

Ah, hotboxing: the dutch oven of weed