#phaedrawayland

[theparselmouthvh]

Sports in Slytherin: Quidditch Game III / Dueling Tournament

So, this year we lost all of our Quidditch matches. Game III was a snore. I let in two goals but we managed to catch the snitch for the third game out of three this year - I guess that counts for something? I'm not really sure what to say about our Quidditch playing other than that with new captains we STILL suck. Maybe next year will be better but I doubt you all want to read about a losing Quidditch team and I don't really want to write about a losing Quidditch team either. Now, on to something more important: the dueling tourney. Once again we had a disappointing year of sign ups, and because I didn't sign up for personal reasons I guess I could be included in that. But really, there wasn't many Slytherin duelists at all. There was only Dylan Weasley (WHO IS REALLY AWFUL, COME ON, JUST STAY ON THE PITCH NEXT YEAR), Rhys Knightly, Emory Kettleburn, Kelly Ashcroft, Carter Kennedy, Lucy Thomson, London Greensly, and Vaughn Knightly.  That was it. IT. Not even ten people in our house entered into the dueling tournament. The one who got the furthest was maybe Vaughn in any of their respective tiers but I honestly stopped watching because all of it was so pitiful. London did a decent job too but almost everyone was out after round three or four. So what about next year? I don't know. Just don't suck. Sports in Slytherin is just pathetic. I don't have much else to say except you all suck. written by Phaedra Wayland

[theparselmouthvh]

Sports in Slytherin: Quidditch Game II

Actually, you know what? Forget everything that was said before. Slytherin really does still suck. Game II of this year set Slytherin house against Ravenclaw and I have to say... we have not improved. Not that this is a surprise, really, because I was probably being too optimistic in the first place. I should have reviewed Game II before I made a false judgement on Game I... We let in four goals (I guess you can blame me for this) but aside from that the game was really just a blatching match. I, Phaedra Wayland, was blatched by Jacen Braelin-VonHaus during the game while our captain Henry Chamberlain attempted to blatch Alexandria Super-Long-Last-Name twice. Those instances were really the only highlights of the game. The rest of it was total crap. I mean really. Dylan Weasley and Avara Burrich were seekers and Burrich was better because she caught the snitch - which means that while Slytherin sucks at making goals, we still seem to be good at catching the snitch. Then again, that doesn't really seem to help us since Ravenclaw still won. You know, the nerds beat us. We should be ashamed of that but really, after captaining a losing season myself and now seeing how we're repeating much of the same this year, how can you guys even come out and support us? Obviously you must be more diehard than I am about this team because even I've stopped caring. I'm not even sure what strategy Norda and Hank have because really, did you see how we played? Our chasers weren't even passing the quaffle properly which allowed Ravenclaw to blurt at every possible opportunity. Even when I captained we lost badly, but at least we made shots - even if they were kind of pathetic. This game's most pathetic shot goes to Dante Denton, who is still the fattest player on the team. A whopping 40 – 0 score isn't anything to be proud of and the snakes probably could do better. But here's hoping that during Game III no one falls off their broom and hopefully manages to pass the quaffle to the right people... written by Phaedra Wayland

[theparselmouthvh]

Sports in Slytherin: Quidditch Game I

Anything that Vaughn Knightly previously said about Quidditch is a lie - or, was it even him? Whatever. I can honestly say that after an abysmal performance last year (in which I lead my team to straight losses alongside Daniel Snyder) there has been a slight improvement. Slight. As in, we're still losing - but not as badly. Our team is now under the leadership of Norda Tawni and Henry Chamberlain and Slytherin Quidditch has definitely improved. Slightly. I only say that because I honestly think Hank is a tad bit better than me as a captain. Welcome additions to the team this year include Avara Burrich, Abigail Goodfellow (who has mad skills with the hippogriffs, I must add), Carter Kennedy, Dylan Weasley and Tricia Whitehorn. Returning players include Vaughn Knightly, Voldric Tagnikzur, Lucy Thomson and myself, among others. We also saw the loss of both Aubrey and Daniel Snyder, though I'm unsure if we miss both of them (maybe more the latter than the former). The first game of the year against Gryffindor was simply our way of announcing that Slytherin has improved, and I say this from an objective point of view because playing the role of keeper gave me a good view of the pitch the entire time. Even though we had no goals and everything was scored by Gryffindor (I know all of you will see that as my fault but I'd honestly like to see you try and defend the hoops), we can still gloat because our newest player - Carter Kennedy - managed to catch the snitch, beating out that failboat of her childhood best friend, Linus Paddock. The other two star newbies happened to be Burrich and Goodfellow, who were both brilliant as chasers. But, unfortunately, Weasley made her debut as a beater and as a second year I must say she has a horribly weak arm. She couldn’t even hit bludgers properly! Therefore, I still expect a losing season for the year - sorry snakes - but maybe next year we can try for the cup? Hopefully more of you will come out to watch us lose. I mean, what better way is there to spend your Saturdays? That or we will get better if more of you come watch us. Support your snakes. Really. They need it. written by Phaedra Wayland

[theparselmouthvh]

Sports in Slytherin: Phaedra’s Take on Our Dueling Problem

In this year's Welcome Back article we gave a number of tips on how to improve your dueling in preparation for the term two tournament. So now the dueling tournament is fast approaching, and you budding snakes are in need of help more than ever, our dear writer and resident duelist Phaedra Wayland is here to offer her own take on the sport and give you her own top tips. Sometimes I find myself asking why I'm even in this house. I probably hate about half of you, I don't care about the other half and seeing as I am the only person qualified enough to talk about sports I have to. And I assure you, I am fully qualified to do such a thing so I will get started by first saying this: Slytherin is not a sports-oriented house. I've looked at past trophies - quidditch, dueling, wizard's chess (who even plays that?), gobstones and some weird faux version of exploding snap that was played awhile ago. You know what I noticed? We used to be great, I guess, not that I'd have any house pride in that. And I also wanted to point out one major thing I've noticed in the past few weeks. We have no duelists in the chamber. None. Well, I take that back. I've seen few. Very few. In a house supposedly famed for ambition and determination, where is your determination to even duel? The only duelist to get a trophy since Adora Crawford left us was me and Emory Kettleburn. Although I didn't manage to snag a first place trophy, I at least got a second and Emory placed third. What about the rest of you? You don't enter the tournament and you certainly don't duel. Are you going to let nerds and badgers get the better of you? Apparently. I want to see more of you out there on the platform. I don't care what it takes. If I have to drag you by your hair kicking and screaming into the dueling chamber I will. The tournament is coming up and the sign up rosters better be bleeding green. I may not like this house but even I, a girl who has never liked being a Slytherin, has avidly dueled. Really, what is holding all of you back? Is it a lack of wanting to win? You should be some of the most feared students in the school but instead you aren't. So as a duelist, I'll give you three tips to improve your dueling. 1. Practice. Seems lame, right? But yes, that's a key. Practice. And while you're at it, go read that book by that weird muggle guy, 'The Art of War'.  Obviously he got something right. 2. If you need someone to practice on, try ickles. They're good target practice. 3. When you're ready for the big dueling leagues, duel me. I have no problem wiping the floor with all of you. There better be more of you dueling soon. Just go out there and duel and, if you do, I'll stop losing house points. Seriously. written by Phaedra Wayland

[theparselmouthvh]

Meet the Professors - Part Three: Urguy and Mendelssohn

Finally, Slytherins, The Parselmouth is proud to present to you the third and final installment of our Meet the Professors series! This time we’re looking at our last two Professors, Urguy and Mendelssohn. PROFESSOR URGUY URHGA GHARUGH AHGAR GHARUGH HGHAIR! These are the trivial sounds that one hears every time they cross the Hogwarts grounds, the new howl in the night that has ickle firsties shaking in their boots at the prospect of taking Care of Magical Creatures. Urguy. One name. Whether it's his first name or his last name, we can't exactly guess. We can't exactly be sure he can say it, because the man can barely string together an English sentence. There isn't even a record that he attended Hogwarts at all that this reporter can find. The only thing we know for certain, my fellow snakes and snakettes, is that Urguy is really, really good with animals. Despite the putrid stink of rotting Hippogriff flesh emanating off the creature that Weasley deemed fit to educate us, Professor Urguy has this inexplicable talent of making full flocks of Diricawls follow him. There's even been a rumor that he domesticated a Nundu, and learned how to communicate with dragons. Which must have been quite the feat, considering he can barely communicate with his own students. Urguy likes nonhumans. Urguy likes mud. But most of all, Urguy likes Urguy. He is the happiest clam of a caveman that the naked eye has ever seen, and if your olfactories can take it, you'll probably like him too. Plus, he's got a banging tree house in the Forest. 5 Galleons to the person who breaks into it first. PROFESSOR MENDELSSOHN Are plants really her best friends? Considering she teaches Herbology, anyone may hazard that guess. What really is the enigma behind Professor Mendelssohn? Maybe it’s the fact that ever since she started teaching Herbology, everyone and I mean everyone has started paying attention to a class that usually contains deadly plants that can strangle you when not handled properly. However, there is one thing we all agree on: she makes Herbology fun. Why? Because Professor Mendelssohn is cool. Just look at her. She dresses better than most of the other Professors at Hogwarts. She actually doesn’t look like an old lady and really, she isn't bad on the eyes. I would rather take lessons from a former professional Quidditch player than anyone else at this school. I also know that as a Slytherin she can probably use that beater's bat to hit anyone in the head when they aren't paying attention. That's reason enough to want to do well in her class. She is definitely the better looking of our new Herbology duo. Just how does she achieve those flawless curls? She probably uses the tears of the first years to get that glossy shine. Just appreciate that as Slytherins we have a fabulous Professor like her and, oh yeah, don't be late to her class. She'll let the devil's snare eat you. ————————– Well, that concludes The Parselmouth's three-piece on the wonderful Slytherin Professors! Please be aware that repeating any of the information contained within this article is entirely at your own risk - we doubt you'd want to be caught out plotting to invade Urguy's tree house, after all... written by Henry Chamberlain and Phaedra Wayland